I came to "Heron clan land" with a bit of an ulterior motive. I really truly needed to step out of my world - walk away for a little bit - get a different perspective and then go back.
But it would seem ever since I got here I have been stuck on one aspect of life/living.. stuck as in cement and cannot see my way around it.. over it,... or through it.
I am old.
I have lost that "come hither" teasing flirting part of me ........... where did it go?? cause I know it is gone. At least on the outside.
Inside I still feel very sensuous and sexy and yeah horny too!! But it doesn't translate to the me that the world sees. When did that happen?? How did it happen???
Last night I had 2 glasses of wine.. the music was playing and I was laughing and moving to the music and Raheretic made some comment about how I should have wine every evening.. how relaxed I looked how much younger I looked. It was meant as a compliment I know that !! But when did I need a glass of wine to look relaxed and young??? WHEN THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN???
In my head I am still a 30 something... with all the drives and needs of a 30 something... in the mirror there is a woman looking back at me that I don't recognise.. When did she appear??? Can I make her go away?? I don't much like her.. this woman I have turned into..........
A few weeks back Sir F was having a discussion with me about males.. and how it is really easy to have a one night stand - a no strings attached sexual encounter. And all I could think was "yup easy for you - young and perky and fresh and daring" but definitely not easy (maybe not even possible) for me - this older woman.
And so I am left wondering ......... am I destined to grow even older with my cats.. and my masochism.. and be labelled that crazy old masochist????
Is it too late to become the poster girl for "In praise of older women"???
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Morningstar - that was a provocative post, and one that hit home with me. I am in all likelihood your age or older. I'm happily in a monogamous relationship, but it something were to happen to my husband, I doubt that anyone else would find me at all desirable, either to spank or to love.
ReplyDeleteAnd I feel thirty-something too, as does Ron.
Getting old is, well, better than the alternative.
Hugs,
Hermione
Ah, this post so resonates with me. Let me know the answer when you figure it out!
ReplyDeletePaula
I understand the older woman who looks back at me from the mirror concept. As for the flirt thing, it seems for me to get better with age. I have always been shy when meeting people and when it came to flirting so when I was younger I would keep it bottled in. Now that I have almost 53 years on me I kind of have that "what the hell" attitude and give "fetch me fuck me looks" where deserved :)
ReplyDeleteI feel this way all the time, and although I'm not willing to look like I'm not my age (dressing inappropiately), I'm not willing to act like the old lady so many expect us to either. Life is fun, and as it gets shorter I'm going to squeeze as much fun out of it as I can. I must be doing an okay job because when we're doing something silly my daughter (26) often remarks "mom, I think you get more fun out of this than any of us!).
ReplyDeletemorningstar, I think all of us who are at a certain age go through similar periods of self reflection - often negative in tone. I know from myself that we tend to put far too much emphasis on what we see as the negatives and realities of aging verus the positives (there ARE some - I know that I worry less and less about other opinions, I'm working hard to understanding what I want- as opposed to what everyone wants from me, etc) -
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having met you, I think you are a beautiful, vibrant woman and I am always astonished that what I SEE when I look at you and what you SEE are so very different.
I do know that once I'm back on my feet (both of them) I'm going to work hard to get back in shape simply because I always feel BETTER mentally, physically and emotionally when I am. I have refused for a long time to allow dictates of society to tell me how to dress or how to have my hair or how to act - so intend to work hard at understanding that how I feel about myself is what matters - not how the outside world and those who do not see me through the eyes of friendship, love or affection see me...
this too is just another part of the voyage sweetheart... I know how easy it is to feel despair but only you can decide whether to look up into the stars and realize there is still so much to learn.
If you figure this out- please let us know...we will all be there someday and I have sadly begun seeing someone else in the mirror already at 32 :( not 'cuse I am all whinny about perfection but just the changes from having a early hysterechtomy and getting fibromyalgia...kinda feel like I am being raped of my "good years"...
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