Monday, July 26, 2010

The changling

I have been with the Heron Clan for 7 full days now. I came for a holiday and I am going to leave a 'changling" .
This time away has been hard ........... not because I am home sick.. or don't like being with the Heron Clan - nope not at all. But more because this time with them has opened my eyes... made me really evaluate my life and how I have been living it for all these years!!
When I first started reading the Heron Clan - I couldn't get my mind around 'poly' anything.. couldn't figure out how it could work.. assumed (yes makes an ass out of you and me - but in this case mostly me) it would never ever be something I could live.
But I have seen it in action - this poly family - and I have a deep appreciation for how smoothly it works... how everyone feels included and appreciated and loved and cared for - even this outside Canadian who just sorta parachuted into their lives.
The other night Raheretic and swan were talking to me.. about life in general and my life more specifically. I found it very difficult to discuss - as I do with anything that requires me to open up ........... I honestly don't remember everything we discussed .. I do remember them suggesting I read "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. They had the book.. and I started reading.........
The book may be what they consider a so/so handbook on poly relationships... for me it was a book on living one's life honestly and openly. It is a book that is teaching me how to deal with emotions - all of them - and how to broaden my horizons.
I have always been quite happy being a bit of a loner.. having one or two friends.. but nothing to strenous or time consuming. Just folks out there that I could socialize with when I felt the need to socialize.
I most definitely am not a social butterfly!!
But I have been slogging my way through The Ethical Slut - and feeling scared and challenged ... this book may be a poly handbook for some.. for me it is challenging me to change the basic tenents my life has been built on.
From the simplest of actions - making more friends - to dealing with the scary emotions that seem to plague my life and be the reason it is so much easier for me to be a "loner".
It is teaching me how much fun life could be if only I could let down my walls...
the other night I read something that rocked me.. a light bulb moment that will probably make you all go DUH !! (I was gonna quote it .. but for the life of me I can't find it now... so you will all have to make do with a paraphasing ) It said something to the effect that 'when you are feeling most vulnerable - that that is the time to share those feelings... because in sharing feelings of vulnerability is the time the bond deepens and friendship grows.'
I am still reading.. still learning.. still feeling mighty scared and yeah vulnerable... but it is time for change.. it is time for me to break out of the cocoon that has kept me wrapped up tightly .. feeling safe... while all the world around me has gone marching by..............
"another fucking opportunity for growth"

1 comment:

  1. You mean even after 20+ years in the lifestyle there is more to learn?!? ;) Man- I am just an ignorant baby with my 4 years of experience!! LOL


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