Introspection

i am a firm believer in cleaning out all the cobwebs before moving forward.. or even AS i move forward.

i have been asked more than a few times (either in comments or emails - i honestly can't remember) if there was nothing that could be done to patch up the relationship with W. And even when i politely pointed out that all his "stuff" was out of the house - the answer was "it can all be moved back in".

Last night a couple of friends whom i respect deeply (and am so proud to be able to call them "friend") asked me a tough question. They explained that the relationship (mine specifically) was like a V. When we were together it was the point of the V ...... very close......... and they felt i was slowly moving up the V but i hadn't moved all that far....... and they asked...... "did i want to go back down the V to the point again" (ok that was very wordy and a bit convoluted - but i hope you get the gist of the conversation)

i didn't give them a knee jerk answer...... i thought seriously about the question they had posed. Actually i kinda poked at the wound and poked again to see if what i was pretty sure i was feeling..... i actually WAS feeling. And i answered firmly "NO i do not wish to go back"

See besides that question - we talked about a whole lot of other things.... things that touched home.. things that tugged at my heart .. and made me "see" what i had been feeling more clearly. i have been stuck in a time warp of sorts. In fact i believe i have been stuck in that time warp for awhile now. i kept thinking "it was SO good at the beginning - we can get back there again". But in looking back i am questioning if what we had was really a good "fit". It most certainly filled a need i had at the time. BUT did it "fit". Slowly i am starting to realize NO it probably wasn't such a good fit...... well not as good a fit as i thought.

So with that being said, i hope i have cleared any doubt anyone had....... anyone.... that i would turn around.. slide back down the V and have all W's things moved back in.

swan said in a comment on one of these recent blog entries, that for now i am dealing with the hurt and the bad stuff, but she hoped that i would be able to come around to see the good that came out of 9 years with W.

i am sure she is right. But for now i have to clear out the bad cobwebs .. before i can really look at the positives .........