Monday, March 29, 2010

a submissive is?????

i used to call myself "submissive".

i used to know what a "submissive" was.. what a "submissive" looked like .. what a "submissive" did.. how a "submissive" behaved.

Now i don't know any more. i am confused.

A submissive doesn't question

A submissive obeys

A submissive puts her Master's needs/feelings first

A submissive doesn't argue

A submissive doesn't lie

In the beginning i was learning how to be a "submissive". i worked hard - very hard to be the very best i could be. In the beginning i wasn't owned.. nor did i own. i know that last bit may raise a few eyebrows.. but when a submissive is owned.. doesn't she also own - in a way - the Master. Shouldn't she hold his heart close to hers??? Shouldn't she care for him.. protect him.. love him too???

In the beginning i was just a casual play thing.. once or twice a month.. fairly regular evening training sessions on line.. morning journals... in the beginning.

Then slowly the relationship changed and it was once a week .. then weekends... then it felt like we were joined at the hip......... and there were vanilla activities.. and plans for the future.. for retirement.. for growing old together.

But somewhere in the middle there were things...."things"...... that hurt me. and i closed my eyes and grit my teeth and told myself i had to accept these things BECAUSE i was submissive.

i thought i had been clear... about my hard limits.. about my needs... i wanted only him.. i wanted him to want only me. monogomy is the word.

The worst thing i remember.. the most humiliating event ......, ropes brought to me to wash. Ropes soaked in menstrual blood .. blood that was not mine. and i washed them... because i was a good submissive and because he ordered me to. That is not to say i didn't throw a fit..... i did.. and then i chastised myself and beat myself up for not being a good submissive.

There were other events that cut me - worse than any carving he did to my skin... those healed.. the cuts to my heart didn't heal as well.. they left scars that hurt... but still i tried to be the best submissive......

and i laid there and took it all.. and told myself i was submissive and this was the lot of a submissive....

yet i could hear my grandmother's words echoing in my head... "you won't be a doormat for anyone - IF you refuse to lie down"

So now i am starting to stand up again.. tall and straight. And now i want to know.. am i no longer submissive???

i can see myself one day .. being a play thing for someone.. because i am a masochist and i will one day crave the pain again. (and NO despite some whispering in my ear - i will NOT become a Domme - been there .. done that.. got the Tshirt and threw it away) But i keep asking myself will i ever be "submissive" again??

And the answer keeps coming back NO ....... i can't ever lie down again.... i can't ever again become a doormat. And i think that makes me sad - despite how dumb that sounds - because there was something about being a "submissive" that felt so right deep inside me.

Can someone ..... anyone...... help me here?? please?? what IS a submissive??? can i ever get back there again???!!!


and yeah this is the second post today.... the one i have just written has been eating me up inside since Friday when that nasty hateful email arrived.. pointing out how bad a submissive i had been....... and the seeds of doubt were planted... and they have been growing and choking me..

someone please?? can i ever get back there again??


  1. Anonymous11:20 am

    Don't let anyone tell you that you're not submissive or you're a bad submissive. Submission is a very personal, private state of mind. If you think you are submissive, then you are, and in all likelihood you'll find a partner who agrees with you.

    Being submissive does not mean being a doormat. Some of the strongest women I know are submissive, and not one would dare to call them doormats. In fact, I think you have to be self-empowered to be a submissive.

    But remember that thing I said about submission being very personal. Some submissive might get off on the humiliation of washing ropes that had been used on another woman. Other submissives would respond with a resounding, "Fuck you." I think a considerate dominant partner knows how that request would affect his partner. Is it going to humiliate her? Hurt her? Piss her off? And what kind of response does he want it to provoke in his submissive?

    I can't say what your master expected when he made that request. But that fact that it upset you and has made you now question your submission...I don't know your former master, but I doubt that's the consequence he intended.

  2. I am submissive to My Sir but he is not and NEVER will be my MASTER,this sub does not play that way. I am sorry that your relationship died,but being a doormat is not being submissive,your grandma was right. Each Sir and sub has their own relationship,you will find the right fit someday and I wish you luck on your new journey of discovery. :)

  3. Anonymous12:00 pm

    I've been reading your blog for a while and never commented, but this time I think I have to.

    I completely agree with what submissiveinthecity said. Being submissive does not mean being a doormat. I too have played doormat and know how much it stings and the thoughts of having to just take it. I was wrong, and you are too right now. Being submissive, giving up control and power takes more strength that most people have. Just because you refuse to be a doormat or take whatever injustice is done to you does not mean you aren't submissive.

    I am submissive to my master in every way... but if he over steps a boundary, he hears about it. If the overstepping is too big.. if I'm being taken advantage of and steamrolled, then I will leave. It doesn't mean I'm not submissive, it means I know myself and what I can take and what I can't. Sometimes like I did, you have to take a lot of crap before you find out what you refuse to deal with again.

    Best of luck,


  4. I just have to agree that a submissive is not a doormat. A submissive is getting her needs met. You need to find the right person to nurture your submissive side instead of treating you like a doormat. Good luck.


  5. Well I've never been a submissive, always a bottom (Submissive only when playing), so I do not have personal experience of life style submission but I was always given the impression that the style and depth of the submission was the choice of the submissive. Is it wrong to think of it like that?


  6. Anonymous4:33 pm

    Don't worry, I'm a nice anonymous. :)

    What is a submissive? Whatever you want it to be. It is really no one's business but you and your partner's.

    And what you feel is submissive may not match another's idea of what it is, there IS no "one size fits all" when it comes to happiness and sexuality and all the intricate, various ways that human beings like to relate to each other.

    Sometimes I think the internet has been destructive when it comes to this kind of thing. I mean, it was great running across all this information online that solidified for me my vague feelings. And in reading about other couples and how they related, we discovered a lot of ideas we'd never thought of before. Some of those ideas did NOT work out for us at all, some did.

    I wonder if your hard limits became blurred because of the pressure so many of us put upon ourselves to try and "keep up" with others. We think we're missing out, we think we're not being "enough" sub or ENOUGH dom and next thing you know, you're resentfully washing out another woman's period stains from ropes that weren't even used on you.

    And instead of protesting right away that you hated it, you questioned your own feelings instead. You forced them down and told yourself you didn't have the right to complain, because you're the slave and he's the Master and blah blah blah.

    Never question your own feelings. I'm betting that you agreed to his having another woman because you wanted to please him and THAT idea was very hot, or maybe you were thinking you were being a "good" sub by doing this, possibly comparing yourself to other subs who say they are just ECSTATIC at washing out another woman's period blood, etc., etc.

    It doesn't work, though, going against your own beliefs. Making yourself unhappy like that. Doesn't work for long, eventually something gives.

    Truth is, you have to put yourself first. Yes, even as a sub. Because, as you know now, you were a resentful sub because you went against your own beliefs.

    You can't do that. It's not fair to you or to him.

    You're still submissive, you just lost track of what made you happy about expressing it. You can do it again but this time, you must remain 100 percent honest with yourself and as a matter of course, with him too.

    And if something is making you unhappy, then it is not working and when it stops working, you work on it together until you *make* it work.

    I hope I made sense. I'm trying to help, you are asking for help and you sound so sad. I can relate to that; it's scary and sad to think about not having such a personal and intimate part of yourself as *you* anymore.

  7. It seems to me you're in a transition period where you are taking the time to embrace and own yourself. Take time to master your own needs and wants, submit to them, re-evaluate and see where you are at then.

  8. I am finding, as I think about this, that I have a lot of ideas / thoughts rolling around in my head. I fear I will ramble here, so let me go over to my own place and write for a bit and see if I can make something sensible to put there.

    Hugs, swan

  9. My reactions are immediate and remarkably brief (for me....typically not the essence of brevity.)

    You'll find no better or truer submissives tham my two............neither is a doormat ever...not would I tolerate their being that.

    Submission is a reality when you encouter Dominant love that stimulates that. You will know it when you have it and then it will not be work or a stretch to attain....but undenialbe and unavoidable.

    It will be for you.


    Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you've imagined.

  10. I can't help grinning, not at you dearest morningstar but Tom- Tom, dear Tom, you are SUCH a dominant LOL - "nor would I ever tolerate their being that" ....sorry, just struck my funny bone.

    Morningstar, darling girl, you ARE YOU - and my own take is that your submissiveness is a BIG part of that; and I've come to the conclusion it is BECUASE we are submissive that we tend to look for - and inevitably FIND the "problem" in US - it is WE who somehow failed, it is WE who let down others, it is WE who are not "submissive enough, obedient enough, acquiescent enough'' it goes on forever.

    having been through this journey myself, I promise, you can and will come out the other side one day knowing in yourself that you ARE who you are, and yes, submission which feels so right is part of that - which doesn't mean you have to 'be' that part of you all the time. You can't change the essence of a person.

    Does a tree make a noise when it falls in the wood? YES. Is a submissive a submissive without a Master? YES.


  11. Anonymous10:44 pm

    I think that the person who should question their motives is your dom. What kind of reaction was he looking for by having you do that? Was he looking to secure your relationship and make it grow through our submission? Or was he looking to just exercise control without thoughts of consequences? I think that every dom must thoroughly think through requests and be sure that the results are in the best interests of the sub, otherwise they risk losing their sub. And sometimes they deserve to lose their sub.

  12. I am not a regular reader to your blog, as I just found it today, but I feel compelled to comment on this post.

    Any relationship that is not a "two-way street" is a failure as a relationship. By that I mean that in any relationship, if the needs of the partners are not mutually met, then the relationship is destined to fail.

    That is any relationship, not only a D/s one, and yet in D/s it can be so easy for a Dom to forget that a submissive's deepest need is not always HIS PLEASURE, but rather to be needed to fulfill his NEEDS. If a submissive stops feeling needed in the way she herself needs to be needed, then it is the responsibility of the Dom to find out why, evaluate the situation to discover if he is willing and able to meet those needs, and make appropriate adjustments.

    I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well or not, but we submissives are usually the ones who "monitor" the relationship's emotional aspects, and take responsibility for the emotional stability and constancy therein. But the reality is that it is the Dom's responsibility to do so, and often they don't want to do it, or sometimes don't even know how as it requires a lot of open and honest communication (which means *hearing* things one doesn't want to hear, often times, and not simply *talking*).

    I know I didn't address "what is a submissive?" because I honestly don't feel your submission was to blame for the ending of this relationship. You are a very intelligent and introspective woman, from what I have read, and you will figure out what you may wish to do differently when that "one" comes along, so I really don't think that was the real issue you had - I really believe it was more a way to work through some negative so that you could find the cheekiness that wasn't hidden between the couch cushions after all, but rather, between the cushions of "self-doubt" and "questioning".

    I am going to read further, and I admire your openness and honesty here. Thank you for sharing.

  13. I decided to mull this over before commenting. Engage brain before putting mouth (fingers)in gear?

    Seems to me that once we hang a label on ourselves we are shoved into a little niche where others with like labels are shelved. We become part of the herd, so to speak. Of course, herds need rules and definitions to rules. At least that's what the herd decides.

    When you meld yourself into that morass of label-driven commonality you begin to lose your individual identity. Gradually the individual begins to accept herd-think as the gospel. What you really think, who you really are, is only a nagging little feeling of discontent and guilt.

    There are no freakin' rules. We each are what we are. There is no right or wrong. You are what you, and no one else, defines yourself to be. If it trips your trigger, float your boat, or lets you get your kink on ... do it and fuck someone else's rules and definitions.

  14. hunny being submissive doesnt mean you have to give up your own mind to make him happy. He should cherish and respect the gift of submission you've given him. you can have a perfectly functional "monogamous" relationship with a Domme. its just about if you find the right person that can balance it. and by balance the lifestyle doesn't mean you have to be a 24 hr. you should both still enjoy "vanilla" activites together and be able to have real conversations and be happy with each others company. as a sub.myself i know its hard to find the right ones out there. So many fakes and fonies but if you do ever go back to it i truly hope you find someone who will adore you and be thankful for the wonderful person you are. Dont compromise your own mind. It will only make you loses yourself, and in the end you'll make yourself unhappy. Good luck sweetheart xox


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