silly songs

It always amazes me where my mind goes after a session (and yeah yeah i know one has to HAVE a mind to have it go anywhere ........ ) i think it was Friday night...... i was all warm and fuzzy and dancing with the fairies from the hairbrush episode.. when i suddenly for no apparent reason decided to sing "Alice the Camel had two humps"........

The look on Sir's face was priceless.. which just kinda wound me up further and i asked if he knew the song ... "loop loop goes the little green frog" ...... and before he could answer one way or another.. i bounced up and was singing the song complete with the actions for his viewing pleasure!!

Sir kept saying "where is my video camera when I need it??!!" Nothing deterred me from completing the entire song and then launching into "Picture a Cowboy all dressed in red"............

i finally collapsed back in the chair ... humming away Alice the Camel had 2 humps..... and giggling furiously.........

mind fucks and other painful things

Last evening Sir told me to fetch the needles.. and present myself..... usually needle play calms me and soothes me and makes me extremely horny !!! Usually it is done on Friday night after a particularily stressful week at work........ rarely is it done on Saturday.......i don't think i was much in the mind set for needle play....... honestly i don't know what was going on in my head but this is what happened..........

i got the needles and laid myself out flat on the living room floor with a pillow under my head... the very first touch of Sir's hand (not the needle BUT Sir's hand) had me whimpering and pleading ...... it was GONNA hurt.. i just knew it was gonna hurt ..... (and yes i know this sounds dumb.. considering having needles shoved in your ass SHOULD hurt.......but that is what i was whimpering)

i can't say the needles hurt any more than they usually do....... i can say they made my ass as overly sensitive as they always do.. making the muscles jump and clench and my lower belly tighten and my juices drip......... yet i was still whimpering......

At one point Sir leaned in to me and asked me what was wrong.. i didn't / couldn't answer him.. first off i didn't know what was wrong... secondly i didn't want him to stop .. despite it not feeling like it should.. always does.. (there is absolutely NO explaining my subbie brain sometimes!!!)

Usually after Sir has finished 'needling' me He then moves on to some sensation play ......... touching my ass.. running his fingers between the needles - wiggling the needles .. dragging his chain up the crack of my ass (god it is cold when he first starts with it) and then running it around and between the needles.

Now if you look at this chain.. you will see it has very little substance.. it is only meant to be used for sensation play (oh and to hold a medic alert information stick around Sir's neck ) BUT oh how that chain can have me wiggling around at Sir's feet.. flopping about .. legs opening and closing.. pleading quietly for some relief........

BUT not last night..last night the chain felt nasty and evil and it felt as though it kept snagging on the needles.. Last night Sir used it to flog me (gimme a break !!! how nasty could that lil chain be?? on a normal night i would say not nasty at all but last night........ well last night was different) i yelped i cried i begged i pleaded.. i was so damn sure that the chain was going to catch one of the needles and just plain rip it out....... i was shuddering from the expectation.......

Sir was checking my mind set.. waiting to see if the 'fairies' were near...... but nothing... i was clinging to the edge of the pillow willing myself to endure..... So Sir picked up the hair brush.. the same hair brush from Friday's punchy feelings.. from the first hit to the last i was sure i was doomed.. those needles were gonna be pounded deep into my flesh... my mind was not allowing me to sort out where the needles had been placed and where i was being hit.........

clinging to the pillow .. sobbing into the pillow .. Sir finally ended the session with a hug.....

Seconds later i was explaining to him how scary the needle session had been this time.. S C A R Y ... it had not been a session in sensory play.. it had been a major mind fuck.. i shook my head looking at him.. i didn't get it then.. i don't get it now.. i KNOW Sir would never EVER do anything to permanently damage his property .. yet i had been petrified....... go figure..

Seconds after that realization.. i knew what i needed / wanted... i whispered to Sir.. "may i ask for something please Sir??" He nodded and waited.. i asked - can you believe this??!! i ASKED for the knife to be used on my breasts... Sir willing agreed .. but said TWO knives not one... He is after all ambidextrous.. no point in wasting a perfectly good knife or perfectly good hand !!! i was so intent on feeling the knife i didn't much care if Sir decided to use his hands and feet and wield all 4 knives ..............

And it was everything i had hoped for.. pain.. burning / searing pain sliding up and down my breasts... points of knives simultaneously pricking at my nipples .. moving them left and right.. lifting them.... knives sliding down to my thighs.. spread open for them .. for Him.. sliding down the delicate skin .. making patterns along the inner skin..........

no mind fuck now.. just glorious endorphin producing pain...... and marks.. wonderful red knife welts up and down my breasts........

and of course fairies who danced me up to bed .. to sleep.. to dream..

knee jerk reactions

(i know i know - i should be squeezing 30 minutes on the treadmill in - instead of writing in my blog.. BUT if i don't write this i think i will explode .. and oh god that would be messy..... so i am writing......)

Some of you may remember Freedom's Place - a blog of many contributors .. mostly vanilla folks where i wrote on occasion about BDSM - and it all didn't go well and i thought the better part of valour was for me to quietly pack my bags and move back here......... Wellllllllll.. the decision has been made to close it down permanently - which on one hand is a pity.. and on the other hand totally understandable... it was (in my opinion) a lesson in sociology.

It intriqued me how personalities that i see daily in the school yard reared their heads in an adult blog....... it re-affirmed for me that our personalities really don't change much from birth to death...... perhaps some of us learn to manage the ugly bits better, some of us learn to cultivate the good bits better.. but still the basis of who we are.. continues from birth till death..... AND it has always seemed to me that there are only so many "types" of personality and they are re-cycled regularily.... the bully.. the victim.. the quiet thinker.. the defender .. the pacifist.. the types just keep getting re-cycled .. and for some weird reason it fascinates me.

In my parting comments on Freedom's Place i wrote just that.. about the personalities that made a group blog difficult.... but my final wish was that we all learned something and took that learning with us when we left..........

Today i checked to see who else from the original group had posted a good-bye comment.... and lo and behold there was a comment directed at me........ at BDSM ....... and of course my knee jerk reaction was to spit back a comment...... it always does amaze me how the ones so quick to defend the rights of those who fight injustices, who stand up for the "other ones" are so quick to put us down. (shaking head) i guess one can defend the underdog ONLY when that underdog does not use whips and chains and floggers - oh my !!

There is so little understanding out in the big wide world of what it is we really do...... we are seen as perverts - and worse (if it is possible) .. and it really bugs me how the submissive ones are seen as weak and a victim and open to any form of "abuse"..... god it makes me angry......

And so i have once again come to the conclusion that we are best left in the shadows.. safe and undisturbed to do what comes naturally........and forget trying to educate the masses about consensual behaviours... about contracts..and negotiations and trust and respect and not conforming to some pattern of behaviours that are seen as "normal" just to fit in......... we ARE different...... and i think we scare people.

scheduling......

i am not "micro managed" like some submissives.. and i am not left to my own devices entirely... After the January hiatus.. Sir gave me a schedule of sorts.. i am to stop cleaning the whole house in one or two nights .. i am to clean one level of the house a week.. one room a day..... that bit i really like.. i was killing myself trying to get the house done completely top to bottom every week......

i am supposed to work out every day.. (6 out of 7 days a week) ... one day treadmill the next yoga.. (remember back in January i was doing it with my dvd player and how well it was going until i got pneumonia and flu and various other complications?? ) Well i am not entirely sure how i did it back then...... but since i have recovered from my various bugs... i just don't seem to have time..........

AND i am feeling overwhelmed.. there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything accomplished... what AM i doing wrong?? !!!

i am up every morning by 5:30 - it takes me a good 30 minutes to wake up... which i do hunched over the pc (cursing the earlier hour) writing a journal to Sir.. and reading my email as i gulp down a cup of coffee.. then shower and all the other little tasks that must be done before work and out the door by 7:00 ..

Most days i am home between 4:30 and 5......... check in briefly with Sir.. strip out of my work clothes.. read some blogs as i unwind from work.. or have a little rest.. then clean one room and by then it is time to make dinner...... by 8 i am on line to talk to Sir for an hour before i have a bath - and head off to bed by 9:30ish....

and of course there are the days i must do groceries.. or stop at the drugstore .. or talk with my own children..

i need a new schedule .. or a day with more hours in it.. or a job that doesn't wipe me out as much....... or .. or .. or.. maybe a new attitude??

a quickie

Sometimes there is only time for a quickie........

i have posted some bondage pics to my photojournal........(click on the link at the right)

There IS beauty in ropes and the knots tied ............

looking for perfection

i had a blog all planned out in my head today...... oh i was gonna tell you all that i beat my record for rope body harnesses and actually lasted a full 8 hours in mine on Saturday.. i was going to tell you about the nasty easter bunny and easter egg clips that Sir used on me on Friday .. well i will still mention them and show the pictures for those that need a BDSM fix..........


BUT what i realized is nagging at me and needs to be written.. is my quest for perfection... and it is a bit like my addiction to endorphins - this need for perfection - it drives me.. not just at work but in everything i do..... it probably stems from the time as a child i would struggle to complete something and my parents would always say "if you are going to do something - then do it RIGHT!"

i have been struggling with being a perfect mother (god if they only came with instruction manuals!!)..... a perfect granny.. a perfect employee.. a perfect boss.. a perfect teacher.. a perfect submissive (my god i wear an awful lot of different hats don't i ?? and seek perfection when wearing each and every one of them)

My latest quest for perfection - well one of them - is the "care and feeding of my Sir". Believe it or not....... i don't do lunches... well i do eat them.. but i more likely will eat whatever is left over in the fridge........ or grab some crackers and cheese.. or something. i don't exactly P L A N lunch. Over the last few months it has become a major issue in my lil subbie mind......... i am failing Sir (somehow or other ) by not feeding Him interesting lunches.

Believe it or not.. last week i made up a spread sheet thingy that will allow me to plan menus and chart them.. and keep a shopping list. This weekend was the first trial run on the new regime and i think it went quite well. i didn't have to THINK what to make for any meal... i just looked at the spread sheet on the fridge.. et voila a meal plan was there... and best of all ...... the ingredients were in the fridge.

(and yes i know this makes me sound very anal and obsessive - and no smart assed comments - please about the reference to anal !!)

BUT it gets even worse..... for those of you who read me regularily .. you know i have been working on the scenery layout for Sir's trains. First i built a mountain.....
Then i tore it out - because i KNOW i can do better - and better means a stone face mountain and a tunnel which the train can run through!! (all of which is still in the planning stages in my head)

Then i built an equestrian farm - and i sorta liked it .. but it bugged me..

i KNEW i could do better..... so i ripped it out and started again.. i added a hay field - which since this picture was taken - i have modified so there are a whole lot less bales of hay.. i hand painted stalks of corn for my corn field and made a pumpkin patch for fun .......


Then........ can you see the brown patch just in front of the farm?? well i wanted to build a bog there.. that would flow from the nature / campsite ......... i could see it in my mind's eye and i created it on Sunday....... every stone i added.. every bit of swamp grass i added .. the feeling grew inside me that i could do better........ why i didn't stop then i don't know..
Sir took pictures of the gluey mess just as i finished and had gone upstairs to make one of the meals from my spread sheet..........


And after dinner.. i went downstairs and pulled all the swamp grass out.. i didn't like it.. and i knew i could do better
Perfection is gonna be the death of me i think...... Sir scolded me - gently - for ripping out the swamp grass.. He just kinda gave me that look........ the one that says He knows no matter how good He thinks it is.. i am gonna strive to make it better............

And i am !!! i am going to work on that bog or wetlands or whatever you want to call it until i know i have done my BEST.... "good better best.. never let it rest.. till the good is better and the better is best" (just another lil saying i was raised on)

And so .. i am off.. to dig out stones and moss and somehow drain the wetlands.. and start all over.................seeking perfection...... never letting better be good enough..........

spring rituals

i am washing windows today. i am pulling out dead plants from the garden. i am cleaning up the patio ready for my secret garden. i am wearing a full body rope harness.

When i reach up to catch the upper most corner of the window the ropes tug and pull on my clit, the stretch pulls the ropes tight through my pussy rubbing it, continues all the way around to my ass and up my spine.

As i step down from the chair ( i rarely if ever use ladders - i am terrified of heights) i feel the ropes slide up into me.. rubbing inside me..

When i went outside to work on the patio and the garden i had to pull on a pair of track pants (there were children playing out in the warm spring sunshine) and as i bent over to tug out dead plants the ropes slid into my ass rubbing it.. feeling for all the world like the worst wedgy imaginable.

i got hot in the sunshine sweeping the dead leaves and wee small stones from the brick patio....... the ropes rubbed against my sweaty body and chaffed...

it has been 3 hours that i have worn my Sir's ropes... and i am finished my outside chores..i don't want to remove the harness.. the tightness (though not my Sir's usual "can't breath or move tightness") holds me secure and touches a part of my soul that nothing else does....... it is my cage.. my cupboard under the stairs.. it is what sets my mind and holds it still...........

Just a new spring ritual - right of passage from winter to summer.. It is spring... new hope .. revival.. joy..........

awards....

Remember how i was trying very hard to get back to basics with my blog?? not worry about what others thought .. just write for me?? remember?? sighhhhhhh..i must confess.. i have had a set back... BUT i think it was / is a good one!! honest i do!! i know maybe i should close my eyes and pretend i didn't see it.. maybe i should just move along and not let it tickle my ego........... BUT... i tried and i failed.. i am so weak !!!

Anyway.......... i was up before the birds this morning (ok ok sometimes i get UP before the birds but i most definitely do NOT go to bed before the birds - stern look in a westerly direction!!) and i was reading blogs.. and came across one that announced i had won "The Thinking Blog Award"??!!!


It turns out that a subtle slave girl decided that my blog made her think!! and as per the prescribed rules for this meme/game.. a) i was awarded the award..... b) i have to nominate 5 blogs that make me think..and c) link back to the original blog that started it all..........main blog site

It was kinda nice to know my blog makes someone think..... more so that i stumbled upon this award given to me... wow! and because i didn't really KNOW about the award.. because it wasn't sent to me per say.. i thought it would be ok to be proud of the fact.. and to write about it... (follow my subbie logic?? )

The tricky part comes now.. according to the rules i must now/ should now nominate 5 blogs that make me think...... oooooops i don't mean i can't come up with 5 blogs .. i mean it will be difficult to come up with ONLY 5 blogs and not hurt anyone's feelings.........oh and btw.. my 5 blogs are NOT in any order - that would be too difficult to do.......... all the blogs i read are #1 thinking blogs.. and no i am NOT sucking up!!!

and i am going to start with a qualifier.. i am NOT nominating my Sir's blog .. because HE makes me think.. not His blog... (god i hope i am not hurting His feelings.. cause ya know what is gonna happen if the Dom's feelings get hurt .............. i can only dream!!! cheeky grin)

ok.. here we go.....


#1 is Buffalo’s blog.. i can't remember when i stumbled upon his blog.. sometime before he started on his great adventure "The Ride about".. this man makes me laugh, cry and stamp my feet with his writings...... the blogs about every day life in Friendly Manitoba are probably my favourite!!!

#2 is swan’s blog ...... when swan writes i always pay close attention.. her blogs parallel to some degree some of the struggles that Sir and i have had.. that i have .. and she gives out some of the best advise i have ever received - on line or in real life....... i am hoping against hope that one day swan and the Clan will be able to visit the Great White North so she and i can sit and talk for hours about our beliefs .. our desires.. and our Doms.. (cheeky grin)

#3 is magdala’s blog - as much as she doesn't post too often.. she always makes me think.. sit up and take notice... she has a wonderful way with words and describing life....... and she has been most patient with my emails asking for further explanations and clarifications..

#4 has to be my cheeky sub friend - drakor’s blog. i love to watch his threads unravelling (cheeky grin - sometimes without any effort at all) he writes from the male sub arena - which sometimes is very different from the female sub perspective. AND he does come up with some interesting challenges ..

#5 - it is hard to chose the last one of my "thinking" blogs..... but i think it has to be an an american geisha’s blog... if for no other reason than this girl DOES indeed write for herself....... i should try and emulate her a little bit more !!

and finally i have to thank .. again.. a subtle slave girl for letting me know i am doing something right with this blog.. making it a thinking a blog....... even if i am the only one doing the thinking.. (that is ok too!!)

spring time thoughts

The Great White North can have some really weird spring weather.......... On Monday we had nearly 15 cms of snow (which is almost 6 inches of snow for anyone interested) winds that knocked roofs off buildings and downed trees and power lines. Today the sun came out and it was 15 degrees C (which is almost 60 degrees F). Yesterday i took off my winter boots... tomorrow i will (if the weather man is correct) be in shirt sleeves.

This change in weather has pleased a friend of mine who has (though he probably wouldn't admit it ) a shoe fetish. He loves .. and i do mean LOVES.. strappy sandals - especially if there are painted toe nails to go with them. (maybe a foot fetish too?? )



i have one pair of strappy sandals.. or what i lovingly refer to as strappy sandals.. and they HURT! i don't know why it is i can't wear heels of any shape or form for any length of time.. and most definitely NOT strappy heels.......

It is .. to me.. kinda like singing.. i can't carry a tune in a bucket (as my grandmother used to say) but god i love singing......... i die when i wear heels.. but god i do love them! There was a woman at school today who was wearing - hell they must have been 3 inch high heels. She wore them all day. i was jealous....... heels do something to a woman's posture.. and to her legs.. have you noticed?? yeah i was jealous.

My favourite foot wear is nothing... well some days i do add a pretty little anklet just for fun. i think i might just paint my toe nails - a pretty pink... because...maybe just maybe.... spring has arrived??!!

Many years ago i had a poem stuck to my fridge.......i think it is way past time to pull it out and stick back on the fridge.. the end bit went:

If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot
earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.

If I had it to do again, I would travel lighter next time.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

by Nadine Stair

just hanging around

For Christmas i gave Sir some plastic wrap - the stuff they use to wrap up huge boxes for shipping.. OR to wrap around pallets of bricks ( i watched the workmen last week wrapping the bricks they had just pulled out of the sidewalk in front of the school with a roll of the same plastic wrap) i was sitting staring out the window watching this guy wrap layer upon layer of wrap around the bricks and i couldn't help daydreaming.

On Saturday it was like Sir had been reading my daydreams.. He brought out the hammock swing we have and hung it from the eye hooks in the ceiling.. He had brought out the HUGE roll of plastic wrap.. And had me come downstairs to be wrapped. It was fun getting wrapped.. well fun watching Sir get dizzy as He moved round and round me wrapping me tightly in the wrap....... then of course when He got dizzy i got to go round and round while He wrapped and i got dizzy (ok ok.. more dizzy than normal thank you very much !!)

i was a little bit cheeky (yes just a little bit !!) and was tugging hard on the tension and managed to snap the plastic wrap. i was wiggling my shoulders around trying to create bigger shoulder space so that when He was finished i would have wiggle room (i LOVE having wiggle room dontcha know !!) BUT of course Sir caught me and tightened the application of wrap. At one point i was laughing and pointed out to Sir that the more He wrapped.. the tighter He wrapped i was folding inwards. And i was!!

When i was nicely wrapped from my neck to my toes.. i felt like a solid roll of human flesh.. totally unable to move.. barely able to keep my balance.. and most certainly NOT able to sit down lady like into the hammock. Sir had no patience with gentle sitting or lady like positioning... He just pushed and i fell .. into the hammock swing. i had a moment of sheer panic that i wouldn't be able to breathe - the plastic wrap had squished my chest cavity so that my breathing consisted of small shallow breathes... but i needn't have worried.. i could breath fine in the hammock. Sir picked up my legs and with a swish of rope had my feet tied to an eye hook in the ceiling.. He yanked my ass up and pulled the hammock securely under me.. then He walked around the back and pulled the hammock securely up around my back craddling my head and neck. Then He just walked away.. turning the lights off.. leaving me to sway in the suspension and adjust to the feelings.

It was an amazing feeling.. i couldn't move at all.. i had hair hanging down in my eyes tickling me and i couldn't even get enough breath to blow it away.. i was squished and feeling crampy.. for a minute or two i was sure i couldn't breath .. i was one step away from panic when it all came together and i just relaxed the muscles and went with the feelings... i did notice that i had some pins and needles - prickly feeling in my upper right arm - i tried to move the shoulder to straighten it.. because in all my fooling around i had managed to turn the shoulder inwards towards my body and i had one of those subbie moments of clarity when i realized i probably had pinched a nerve... compressed a nerve.. done something to a nerve in my shoulder. BUT i was bound and determined to enjoy the sensations of bound and floaty as long as i could.

It wasn't long before Sir showed up armed with the needles. i was whimpering even before He got the lid off the container.......... BUT i had to giggle when Sir suddenly dropped from my line of vision onto the floor and squiggled under the hammock... oh my !! how i wish someone had been there to catch THAT moment on film.. how domly is it to squiggle under a hammock??? It didn't take long before i felt the first sharp prick of the needle.. i yelped loud.. and Sir stopped. i was begging Him not to do my ass.. why ?? i haven't a clue.. i think i was worried about the ropes of the hammock somehow catching on the needles and pulling them out... i was just plain scared. Sir squiggled back up and put two needles in my breast.... i wanted more it felt heavenly.. but He explained later that He was concerned because the breasts were squished all tight down and He didn't want to hit vital breast tissue. (good thing cause i have grown rather attached to these breasts)...

Then just for fun .. and because Sir knows how much i love cold (NOT!!) He went and brought down the chain flogger which is always kept in the freezer - some days i wish i could hide it well behind the frozen hamburger or veggies....... but Sir always manages to find it. He carefully laid the chains across my body.... and i shivered. Did i mention how much i HATE the cold???

i figured out how to use my legs.. strung from the ceiling.. as leverage and gently rock myself. It was just so damn good !!! Unfortunately though..... the right hand was feeling dead..i tried to wiggle the fingers but it hurt too much. i called out to Sir who was working in the train room.. and He came immediately. The hand was a problem.. and because of the type of wrap He had done.. the whole thing had to come off.. NOW. Trust me when i say i held my breath as the scissors snipped through the wrap - especially when they got to my private pink bits and my breasts ... but in no time at all the hand was rescued. OH MY GOD it hurt as the blood flowed back into it !!!

Next time Sir promised to work out how to wrap my arms and especially the shoulders so that they don't turn inwards....... i think if they were wrapped separately then only my arms could be released .. and i could continue to rock myself to oblivion..........

the joys of menopause

Over the past few weeks i have openly stated "IF i wasn't post menopausal - i would SWEAR i was pms'ing" ... only difference is my "pms" (for lack of a better word) seems to be ongoing.. not a monthly event.

None of the women folk in my family went through menopause.. not naturally anyway..(so i don't have anyone to talk to about this from a family point of view) even my mother who like her sisters had a hysterectomy very young went on HRT and stayed on them for years - until her death from breast cancer. Her sisters did the same thing.. HRT till they died from cancer in one form or another.

i decided early on... on this menopause journey... that i was going to do it naturally. My doctor fully supported my decision. All in all it hasn't been that difficult a journey....... i read books about menopause (best one was "Off the Rag") and decided to laugh about the hot flashes.. the night sweats etc.. make a joke of it and it couldn't be that bad. And i was right.. i virtually sailed through those symptoms.

The big problem was my blood pressure - did you know that hormones help control blood pressure?? But even my blood pressure the doctor managed to get under control with some pills..

BUT now.. now i face unstable and bitchy (as the cartoon at the top indicates) and i am trying to laugh at it.. but somehow it isn't all that easy. PMS daily .. 24/7 is something rather daunting to face. i had an epiphany this weekend when i had a meltdown and couldn't stop crying... (ohhhh i still believe i had a damn good reason... subbies - as discussed in previous blog entries - do NOT do well with promised sessions and then have the rug pulled out from under them.......... fear factor is an important element of any good session) Sir didn't know what to do to help me.. i asked Him to please give me some time alone.. some time to cry and not have to worry about protecting Him from the tears.. i felt as though i had been holding it in forever.......... and so .. graciously .. Sir left me .. and i had a damn good cry....

My grandmother used to maintain a good cry .. a really good cry .. cleans the soul and makes the world bright again. i believe she could be right. While i was alone and crying.. i had this epiphany...... there is nothing wrong with Sir.. with our relationship... i DO love the man with all my being.. what is wrong is that my body/mind is playing tricks on me.. reading fairy tale blogs is playing havoc with my mental stability (not being able to differentiate between the real and the not so real - i seem to have lost the ability to cut to the chase along with losing my hormones)

i realized no matter what anyone thinks.. or advises........ Sir and i are really the only two who can work on this relationship.... sure some Doms - when with their subs - play for hours and hours ... but then that works for them right?? would it work for us?? i did a very honest soul searching look and realized ....... no it wouldn't work for us... One of the reasons is we are together 24/7 for the weekends.. not just for a few hours here and there over a monthly period. We are living BDSM not playing at it occasionally.. life has many facets to it.. and we must live through all the facets.. the good the bad and the ugly..... AND i realized that i would panic if Sir and i didn't have an excellent session of some sort or other to report here on my blog....... how WRONG is that???!!!

So i wiped my eyes.. blew my nose and told Sir that all was right with the world once again... welllll until the next time... This part of menopause seems to be a bitch to deal with.. some days i honestly think i am losing my mind. This weekend helped me to remember it is what it is.. MENOPAUSE. i am not going crazy (well not crazier than i am normally).... i am just limping along without any hormones.

AND there is a bright side to this.. first - i don't have those monthly periods to deal with any more (well it has been 5 years now and i have finally - in this last year - realized it IS over - everyone say "HALLELUJAH !!") secondly all the horror stories of losing my sex drive and natural lubrication has not happened to me (wellllllllllll not yet anyway) .. and thirdly - i am still a vibrant cheeky woman - underneath the bitchy unstable-ness......

working again...

For those folks who were worried because The Journey was "out of order" ... rest assured it is slowly returning to working order.......

The problem started when i realized i had gotten away from the raison d'être of this blog.. it was not set up to please other people.. it was not set up to see how many people would come.. it was not set up to be a popularity contest...........

This morning i revamped the look.. (about time too as the second anniversary of this blog is April 28th) and revamped my attitude.

This Journey is about the ups and downs of my relationship with the world around me... both the vanilla world and the BDSM world.. If you want to read fairy tales of flogged subbies getting loads of sex and giving loads of blow jobs and living happily ever after in some fairy tale BDSM land then i suggest you look elsewhere.. this blog is about my life.. the good the bad and the ugly.

Bitchy

IF you are not in the mood to read a bitchy rant.. i suggest you move on for today.......

Today is the last day of my Easter break (a break i think i richly deservered!) i had plans.. nothing that would excite too many folks BUT i was gonna go out and purchase my all time favourite perfume ........ just smelling it makes the day bright (if you are interested i only wear 'angel' by Thierry Mugler) .....BUT before i could even digest breakfast i got hit by one of my killer headaches. i crashed on the sofa and have barely moved since........

and while i was lying on the sofa cursing this damn headache .. cursing the sun shining in my eyes.. cursing the world in general... i got to thinking about the monthly munches that are organised here in the Great White North ..... and the time and effort it takes.. the time and effort we go to try and bring out folks.. play parties.. different restaurants around the city...... and still on a really good month we get 15 - 20 people.. most of the time it is more like 8 - 10. AND despite the fact we ask for RSVP's so we can notify the restaurant ahead of time.. most of the time folks don't bother to RSVP.. or they DO and don't show........ what is wrong with people???!!! Trust me when i say...... if it was left up to me our munch would go the way of the dinosaur.

AND then i got thinking about this blog.. and how many people drop by each and every day....... this blog averages over 200 visits a day!?? and then i got bitchy over that.. i get that many visitors and only 3 or 4 comments on a good day??!! i don't believe i write that well that it leaves the reader speechless......

AND then i got thinking about my ISP and how bloody stupid they are....... i have been fighting with them for over a week now....... i want to download (actually i have downloaded) their security manager (an anti virus program) i tried to upgrade over a week ago to the PLUS so that i would also have spyware protection (as my current spyware was running out) and BINGO there was a problem.........ohhhh they put it on my bill alright.. BUT everytime i downloaded the software i got the same damn software i originally had.. without the spyware! i asked them (via the net) to send me the CD so i could upload it without problems and they agreed (that too was done via email) and today the CD arrived and it is for MSN Premium which i never ordered and don't want .. but guess what??!! i am also being billed for. i tried reaching their Customer Satisfaction department.. now this department is an interesting lesson in Customer relations.. first off they don't seem to follow office hours.. twice now i have called at 4:30 to hear a recording that the offices close at 5 but ooooops sorry we closed early today???!! Today they called me .. not to try and fix my problem.. but to tell me that unless someone in technical support or some other department refers me to them they won't talk to me....... huh??????? Customer Satisfaction does NOT want to talk to unsatisfied customers.... what is THAT about??

So after 5 days off.. 5 days might i add that i had such high hopes for.. it comes down to me lying on the sofa with a bitchy headache.. being bitchy....... this is only one of the many reasons it is smart that i basically live alone........ i will now crawl off and find a nice deep hole and pull the top in over me.......... the rant is over.

Sensory Deprivation

my dear 'friend' swan wrote a comment on my entry "being invisible".. it was a good comment. it was a sit up and take notice comment.

swan wrote:
"I imagine, if you are like me, you KNOW your place. It is just that you cannot FEEL it when your body does not get the feedback it craves. It is the sensory deprivation that is difficult to manage if it goes on for very long... a feeling that comes to resemble the beginning stages of starvation...."

swan was right..... i DO know my place. i am - for the most part - quiet when i should be quiet, i try extremely hard to NOT top from the bottom, i follow task lists left for me for the days when i am alone, i bow (most of the time) to Sir's needs and wants and ignore my own... because after all any good submissive/slave will tell you - her needs are always secondary to the Doms.

BUT should they be?? what happens when the sub's needs are so far down the list of priorities that they seem inconsequential?? When the only time left for her needs are late at night.. or squeezed in between this and that?? what happens then to the submissive's mind set?? Is this not a form of sensory deprivation??

Sensory deprivation is something that is often used in BDSM circles.. hoods, white noise, gags, blindfolds, cupboards. It is all quite exciting and fun. BUT the type of sensory deprivation swan was talking about and made me sit up and take notice has very little to do with toys.. it has a whole lot to do with just being ignored.... or the submissive part of me. And that submissive part of me is having a major melt down.

i feel anxious and cranky and am prone to tears. Sir HATES with a passion all 3 of those emotions in me.....and yet i have no idea how to control them. My body's need for endorphins is rising proportionately higher and faster than the pain i am receiving. And then i am feeling guilty for the wanting / needing/ yearning.

Saturday evening scared me. Scared me silly. Sir brought up the wooden paddle with the holes.. the one that hurts like the dickens and leaves my ass as hard as a rock with deep tissue bruising.

He also brought up the crop .. the one that stings and bruises (if i am ever gonna be bruised that is the one that will do it!)



He started with the paddle .. pat pat pat .. WHALLOP.. pat pat pat .. WHALLOP......over and over. At first it hurt.. but i didn't cry out.. it was making me angry. It was making me mad. And then it made me cry... not because it hurt.. but because i wanted more and more and more and i knew from the clock i wasn't gonna get it.

Then Sir switched to the crop and it wrapped a little bit and caught the side of my thigh a couple of times and i yelped and pulled away. But i quickly went back to my place over the footstool - because i just didn't care. and that scared me. And i think my reaction was worrying Sir too because in mid stroke He stopped and told me to come and hug Him.. and i did.. and i asked if it was over and He studied me and told me to resume the position and i did. And it started all over and in my head i kept thinking "why doesn't this hurt??" because it wasn't. and that scared me. It was like the pain inside of me was so much greater than the pain Sir was giving me. And that scared me.

i don't know what is wrong with me.. i do know swan's comment about sensory deprivation makes as much sense as anything else i have come up..............

i also want it noted - publically - that i love this man i call Sir with my whole being...... i know His faults and His foibles and His good sides... and love Him because of all of it, despite all of it.

poker face

If i ever believed that i have a poker face - time and experience has taught me otherwise. i have been accused of clearly telegraphing my emotions and thoughts. In fact a few years ago a member of my staff filed a grievance against me.. mainly because i "rolled my eyes" at her. (Of course the whole thing was thrown out BUT i was advised to try and keep my emotions / feelings concealed).

My children have always complained about "my faces".
My Sir complains (and punishes me) for "my faces"
Friends have complained i "roll my eyes" - which is just another way of saying "my faces".

This is obviously becoming a big problem for me. The interesting thing for me - though - is when i work really really hard at controlling "my faces" i am then asked repeatedly by everyone what is wrong??!! It is the same when i bite my tongue and work very hard at not being cheeky - everyone thinks i am angry or sick or upset....... go figure !!

What i think is wrong....... though i may be totally wrong here.. is that everyone places wayyyyy too much value on what i think/feel or how i look. Some people need to be a whole lot more comfortable with who they ARE... and not worry so much about what i think.. if indeed i am thinking about them. (did you follow THAT bouncing ball??) Just because i am sitting opposite you in a room full of people does not mean that i don't hear other comments and perhaps.. just maybe?? my rolling eyes are in reference to something other than what You have said??? or maybe i am bored and thinking about something that happened yesterday or the day before that.. and my face shows my reaction to THAT.. ok ok i know that is rude and if i am with company i should be hanging on their every word........ but hey..sometimes my mind wanders........ and shit happens !!!

Anyway...... i am feeling very much caught between a rock and a hard place.. i think perhaps i need to change my attitude to one of simpering devotion to every one and every thing that is said.. smile politely and nod a lot......

And if there is any doubt .. right about now.. about what i am truly feeling.......

alls well

It was THE best weekend !!! In the grand scheme of things it wasn't anything spectacular..but it just felt terrific !!

On Friday night Sir needled my ass and i was cringing and yelping and crying.. god it hurt!! He was sliding them in ever so slowly and it hurt like the dickens....... hurt sooooooo good!!

On Saturday morning Sir went off to the train store and left me home to get some much needed cleaning done.. relaxed .. no stress.. (god it is so easy to see the fur balls in daylight .. instead of by lamp light after work.. after dinner when i am pooped) Saturday afternoon Sir brought up two toys.. and had me over the foot stool for a session. It hurt too.. hurt sooooooo good! Sir stopped for a second or two to tell me that the needle holes were re-opening and i was bleeding again...... it was more an observation.. almost like discussing the fact that it is raining after a day of sunshine.....
Saturday night we met up with some friends from the States and had an "interesting" pizza supper....... gotta love hotels with menus for restaurants in different cities !!! (but that is another whole story !!)

And Sunday was laundry day .. and quiet day.. recharge the nearly dead battery day.......

nothing spectacular.. but it was warm and fuzzy and just plain nice.............

OH yeah..... and i actually managed to play an April fool's joke on Sir - something i am never very good at.......... BUT .. if you go to the Fictional Journey.. and scroll down past the recent story.. You will find an April Fool's announcement........ (which was put up bright and early on Sunday morning) and for those of you who don't understand french...... Poisson D'Avril is the french translation (rather literal) for April Fools..........

Tasks

i don't have many tasks.......... but the one i must abide by is that on the first of each month i must have a new story posted on the Fictional Journey....... please click the link on the right ..........