looking for perfection

i had a blog all planned out in my head today...... oh i was gonna tell you all that i beat my record for rope body harnesses and actually lasted a full 8 hours in mine on Saturday.. i was going to tell you about the nasty easter bunny and easter egg clips that Sir used on me on Friday .. well i will still mention them and show the pictures for those that need a BDSM fix..........


BUT what i realized is nagging at me and needs to be written.. is my quest for perfection... and it is a bit like my addiction to endorphins - this need for perfection - it drives me.. not just at work but in everything i do..... it probably stems from the time as a child i would struggle to complete something and my parents would always say "if you are going to do something - then do it RIGHT!"

i have been struggling with being a perfect mother (god if they only came with instruction manuals!!)..... a perfect granny.. a perfect employee.. a perfect boss.. a perfect teacher.. a perfect submissive (my god i wear an awful lot of different hats don't i ?? and seek perfection when wearing each and every one of them)

My latest quest for perfection - well one of them - is the "care and feeding of my Sir". Believe it or not....... i don't do lunches... well i do eat them.. but i more likely will eat whatever is left over in the fridge........ or grab some crackers and cheese.. or something. i don't exactly P L A N lunch. Over the last few months it has become a major issue in my lil subbie mind......... i am failing Sir (somehow or other ) by not feeding Him interesting lunches.

Believe it or not.. last week i made up a spread sheet thingy that will allow me to plan menus and chart them.. and keep a shopping list. This weekend was the first trial run on the new regime and i think it went quite well. i didn't have to THINK what to make for any meal... i just looked at the spread sheet on the fridge.. et voila a meal plan was there... and best of all ...... the ingredients were in the fridge.

(and yes i know this makes me sound very anal and obsessive - and no smart assed comments - please about the reference to anal !!)

BUT it gets even worse..... for those of you who read me regularily .. you know i have been working on the scenery layout for Sir's trains. First i built a mountain.....
Then i tore it out - because i KNOW i can do better - and better means a stone face mountain and a tunnel which the train can run through!! (all of which is still in the planning stages in my head)

Then i built an equestrian farm - and i sorta liked it .. but it bugged me..

i KNEW i could do better..... so i ripped it out and started again.. i added a hay field - which since this picture was taken - i have modified so there are a whole lot less bales of hay.. i hand painted stalks of corn for my corn field and made a pumpkin patch for fun .......


Then........ can you see the brown patch just in front of the farm?? well i wanted to build a bog there.. that would flow from the nature / campsite ......... i could see it in my mind's eye and i created it on Sunday....... every stone i added.. every bit of swamp grass i added .. the feeling grew inside me that i could do better........ why i didn't stop then i don't know..
Sir took pictures of the gluey mess just as i finished and had gone upstairs to make one of the meals from my spread sheet..........


And after dinner.. i went downstairs and pulled all the swamp grass out.. i didn't like it.. and i knew i could do better
Perfection is gonna be the death of me i think...... Sir scolded me - gently - for ripping out the swamp grass.. He just kinda gave me that look........ the one that says He knows no matter how good He thinks it is.. i am gonna strive to make it better............

And i am !!! i am going to work on that bog or wetlands or whatever you want to call it until i know i have done my BEST.... "good better best.. never let it rest.. till the good is better and the better is best" (just another lil saying i was raised on)

And so .. i am off.. to dig out stones and moss and somehow drain the wetlands.. and start all over.................seeking perfection...... never letting better be good enough..........