tired.

Have you ever just felt so tired that putting one foot in front of the other seemed like a monumental task?? Have you ever looked at yourself while passing a window and seen your shoulders slumped so low you looked as though you were carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders??

That has been me for the last couple of days........ i felt this coming on.. i can't really explain why....... yeah i am not sleeping well.. and yeah i have had some emotional crap going on at work.. and yeah it feels as though it has been a very long winter of adjustments and changes (and oh yeah i don't do well with change!!)

Everything seems unfair and monumental and i can't seem to get passed it..... which isn't at all like me........ if i was still a 'young woman' i would say i was pmsing..... but i am not .. i am just plain tired..........

not so vanilla thoughts

All in all it was a good weekend.... despite the vanilla activities...... We went to a train show Saturday morning and i realized that the work i have done on the scenery isn't all that amateurish and the 'experts' fast water looks pretty much like my fast water - which is a white mess in the middle of the creek. i also got to buy a farm to go with my black smith shop - not at all what i had originally planned on doing..... the purchase (by mistake) of a black smith shop kinda changed the flow of the farm area......

Dinner with vanilla friends was ok too...... except i struggle so hard with the rules when surrounded by vanilla folks... example... i am always supposed to carry sweetener in my purse for Sir.. and the last packet had gotten mauled and mashed and i had tossed it out and forgotten to replace it. By the time coffee rolled around on Saturday night i had to hang my head because there was no sweetener in my purse... and it meant going out to the car to fetch the sweetener that is always kept there..... No one understood WHY i had to go....... and i felt like a child who was being scolded .. and i was embarassed .. and didn't really want to return........It is all so much simpler when we are with others from the BDSM community - they would laugh and tease me.. BUT on Saturday night the others looked at Sir like He was a "jerk" (for lack of better words) for allowing me to run and get His sweetener.. i much prefer the rules to be subtle and flow smoothly so no one notices.......

Sunday afternoon Sir strung me up from the chains in the basement.. it started with 20 punishment whacks.. with the plastic snake shaped shoe horn from Ikea.. and i was supposed to say "one Sir thank You Sir i have learned my lesson Sir" before the next strike..and i discovered to my dismay that a "FUCK - insert number - Sir thank You Sir " does not count towards the total and we must start over.. (please note i learned that valuable lesson on stroke 12 !!) i also learned that keeping my voice sing songy and rhythmical and a bit saucy helps get through the counting without too many "fucks"..

And then Sir moved on to the "play time"
i was cheeky and feisty and i did a lot of giggling and laughing.. i like when i am in a devilish mood when we play.. i love dancing away from the strokes and laughing when Sir grabs me by my breasts and or nipples and dares me to dance away..... BUT i still declare the flogger of a thousand bee stings is NOT a warm up toy.. no matter how gentle Sir says He is using it.. and the leather quirt and straps are definitely NOT breast toys.. and oh yeah since when did "we" agree that my breasts were to be played with??!! AND oh my god how it hurt when the quirt kept hitting my nipples dead on.. DEAD ON i say !!! and i listened to the "mood" music playing in the back ground..... and i kept thinking didn't we used to play right through the cd and play into the quiet nothingness at the end?? and i kept wondering why it is that each and every time Sir has me to the point that i am bent over nearly double with my ass up in the air ( a most embarassing position for me!) that the Lords of Acid ...or whatever the group name is... comes on singing "I want to fuck you up the ass".

And it embarasses me .. and amazes me that through all the pain.. i feel myself getting wetter and wetter .. till the whole room smells of my musky scent.. And Sir never forgets to whisper in my ear how drippy wet i am.. and how much i love everything He is doing to me... which - most of the time - just makes me wetter.

And when the song "I want to fuck you up the ass " came on.. i was bent over.. Sir using the wooden sword on my ass and soft spots with one hand and with the other was teasing my clit .. tugging on my jewelry .. making me back up into the spanks .. making my mind whirl and not focus anymore.. my need growing.. feeling His fingers slide into me.. pushing me way over the edge i had been teetering on .......... and then.. then.. wondering how He was ever going to get me down from the chains without my falling.. feeling like i was falling.. holding on to Sir tightly ..but still being aware enough to enjoy the cheeky thought of how He would yelp if i .. by mistake.. grabbed a hold of His nipple and tugged on IT for support........... and sinking to the ground at His feet .. a puddle of submissivness.. thanking Him for the session.. thanking Him for everything...........

And then being snuggled up under the blankets upstairs in the recliner.. feeling myself dosing off.. feeling warm and snuggly and seeing my fairies dancing just beyond my reach.........

tap tap tap

It was 9ish when Sir decided it was time to play with my lil ass......... i was so not in the mood........ BUT i pulled the footstool over and presented my ass to Him. He had the crop and the cane ........ that's it ..... that's all. Two of my least favourite toys... welllllllllllll i guess if i was gonna be truthful none of the toys are my favourite at 9 pm on a Friday after a long week at work.........

Sir started with the crop.. pat pat pat then whallop... some more pat pat pat whallop....... and on and on .. till i thought i was gonna scream. It would have felt ohhhhhh so nice if Sir had kept to the ass.. to the cheeks - to the nice fleshy easy to take area... but ohhhhhhhhh nooooooo.. not Sir.. He was determined to cover the whole ass area with pat pats and whallops... from the soft spot where the ass joins the thighs right up to the very tip top part of the ass..

And He didn't even wait for me to get "into" the pat pat whallop rhythm before He changed to the cane.. the dreaded school master cane... ughhhhhhh that is a miserable toy... toy??? don't even try to call it a "toy"... it is a wicked nasty evil pain giver......... that is what it is !! One hit compresses the skin and nerve endings.. leave the cane pressing into the skin for a brief time then lift......... skin then bounces back and the blood rushes back into the area and basically you get two painful reactions for the price of one!! (my Sir always did love a good deal !!)

On and on it went.. whack .. wait.. lift.. OUCH.. whack .. wait .. lift .. OUCH.... finally i honestly didn't think i wanted any more .. could stand any more.. and i wiggled neatly around the edge of the footstool - just out of reach of the cane and Sir........... then it happened.. something i have never seen/heard Sir do before.. He tapped the cane against the floor - in the exact spot He wanted me......... "tap tap tap" i actually had to look to see what He was doing............ tap tap tap.. i moved my lil ass back into position...

tap tap tap.. not a word .. not a command .. just the tap tap tap and i moved just as i was supposed to .. offering my ass up for more pain.. and again when it was just too much .. i wiggled out of reach and there it was .. that tap tap tap.. and i moved back.. and it started all over.. whack .. wait.. lift .. OUCH..........

When i woke up this morning i heard (in my memory) that tap tap tap.... that simple sound is embedded in my memory............ tap tap tap move your ass....... makes me think... for some stupid reason... of the poem.. someone came knocking on my wee small door.. someone came knocking i am sure sure sure.....

for the love of bondage

Your Bishop Bondage Position Now hold still. Keep that ass up, legs spread wide, weight only on your shoulders. And don't relax your neck or head. Even the tiniest movement in any part of your body will make the pole wobble and shake, easily visible. You wouldn't want to need to be punished for wiggling, or do you? How would you be tied up? Take the Bishop Bondage Test (only 4 questions)

on feeling full......

(as promised ... this post is about my monday night task)

Funny how things happen........ on Monday morning in my private journal to Sir i was telling Him about my need to feel full.... to feel Him in me. (i am trying to be polite here - mainly so i don't blush!!)

When i got home from work Monday Sir had sent me an email telling me that i was to masturbate every hour on the hour with my bestest friend (translation pink vibrator) and i was to put the nipple clamps on while i was masturbating. The clamps were to be removed after i had cum. Now it wasn't exactly what i was dreaming of......... but considering the situation it was the next best thing. So i started at 6:00 with my bestest friend and nipple clamps. It was strange because i really do HATE nipple clamps.. and Sir has been kind (that's the G.O.S. side of Him) and hasn't been doing much with the nipple clamps. i thought as i screwed them on (ok ok i will admit it.. not all that tight for the first few times... BUT by 8:00 i was feeling a tad guilty and did put them on tighter) that it would appear Sir is returning to nipple torture. i wasn't too sure (hell i am still not too sure) if i liked the idea. BUT if it meant having some wonderful orgasms i wasn't gonna pass up the chance.

i thought...... as in the past it has happened.. that by the 3rd orgasm i would be losing interest. BUT that wasn't the case on Monday. i am guessing my body was more needy than even i imagined. Each time it was amazingly wonderful... and didn't feel all that much like a punishment - which i most certainly deserved for declaring a subbie revolt - but it felt like a wonderful reward ......... for what i have no idea.

Then today i was feeling the twitching that i associate with the need for more activity of the sexual kind... when i came home to read an email about fisting.. and read kaya’s blog about fisting. i have to admit to thinking the gods were out to get me.. i was already feeling needy and then to read about fisting the twitching just got worse.

It also made me realize that that is one of my life long dreams....... to be fisted. It has never been accomplished - not for lack of trying. Every trick in the book has been tried to get a fist into me.. and even a small female hand will not slide all the way into me. It just doesn't happen. The diagnosis is that i am just too small. (shall i pout now?? ) Once it was said to me that it was surprising i couldn't be fisted - seeing as i had had 2 babies. Now i can't help but wonder what having children has to do with being fisted?? Does the birth of a baby leave you forever stretched?? i honestly don't know .. sometimes my lack of "education" surprises even me......... but you see .. i did have 2 babies .. but not by natural child birth.. i was declared too small to deliver them.

So i am guessing i am doomed to never experience the feeling of being filled ...... totally and completely filled. Am i missing something?? i think i am....... but then i would like to experience a few things that just ain't ever going to happen ......... and you just get over it right??

Anticipation....

Yesterday i wrote a tongue in cheek blog about the expectations and subsequent crash when the expectations of a hard scene aren't met. i wrote it tongue in cheek because i wasn't sure if i was the only one who experienced the cranky needy bitchy weepy subbie phenomenon. It turns out i am not alone (which is one of the reasons i really LOVE blogging.. there is always someone out there who 'gets' what you are feeling!!)

kaya wrote a long excellent comment on that post...... and i would like to discuss it with her (the rest of you can read along or move along - depending on your interest in the subject matter)


" And how do you not let yourself feel the build? "
i haven't a clue kaya.... i have promised Sir time and time again that i will get it all under control.. only to lose it the very next time.. then i beat myself up for being this cranky needy bitchy weepy sub. After the fact it is so easy to feel angry at oneself for the emotions.. so easy to promise to improve..... but then it happens again....... and again .........

Do you think the Men In Charge are fully aware of the psychological process that proceeds what we think is going to be an intense scene, and the subsequent 'crash' of not getting it? I do think it is uncontrollable. It's a drop in hormones, or something.. has to be.
First .. no i don't think the Men in Charge (as you so aptly put it) have any idea of the psychological process we go through...... i don't see how they can... (though Sir and your Master can jump right in here and slap me upside the head if they wish.. or any other Dominant out there)
Secondly.. it can't be a drop in hormones - because dear kaya - i no longer have any (which is another whole story!!) BUT .. i do believe there is a rise in .. maybe ?? the endophins before they even pick up that first flogger?? i agree with you that something happens to a sub's physiology........ and the crash that follows is nearly as bad as any sub drop i have ever experienced.

Or does this simply fall under the realm of getting what They give, dealing with what They aren't giving... and "uncontrollable" is a cop-out.. or topping from the bottom.. or something equally shameful to us poor, neglected submissives?
That statement is why i have always beaten myself up after an unsuccessful scene (for lack of a better term or repeating myself ). i do NOT want to top from the bottom...... and i try so damn hard to just accept what Sir gives (or doesn't give) me without complaint... so when i do turn into the sub from hell i figure it is all my fault.......and i must be a bad sub.... a terrible sub.. a terrible horrible sub!!

Thinking that it might be a little bit like sub drop....... well that makes it a little easier to accept ..... know what i mean?? Sir never gets cross with me if i have sub drop.. i don't ever get cross with me if i have sub drop.. and i know what to do to make the sub drop go away / get better...... (in your case kaya i would say eat chocolate!! grinning) So maybe you are right... maybe this sub from hell attitude is something we have no control over...... just like sub drop. And maybe i shouldn't grade my submissiveness based on something i have no control over.

However having said all that.. it doesn't make it go away or never happen again.. it just kinda excuses the behaviour..... and i am not a big one for excusing any sort of bad behaviour......... sighhhhhh.. so where does that leave us??

I know you were being somewhat silly and I'm totally going off the charts here.. but it is a serious issue, don't you think?
and no you aren't way off the charts here kaya.. not even a little bit. It is a very serious issue and i was (as i said at the beginning) just trying to work it through using a little bit of humour.

Any and all comments are most welcome not just from kaya but from anyone and everyone who has read through to this point!!! Surely together we can work out what this is.. how to deal with it.. and turn into more complacent loving subbies.......

and one last comment to kaya...... i hear you have offered to pick up some really BIG clamps for Sir......... that is so sweet of you kaya........ but please!!!! don't put yourself out!! i am sure i can do without those particular clamps...... (smiling angelically)

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oh yeah.... and i promised (mainly Buffalo) to post today about the "ordeal" i went through last evening.......... but as i have continued the discussion of Anticipation....... it seems only fair that anyone wanting to know about my "ordeal" will just have to deal with their own anticipation.. i will post about it (probably) tomorrow.

A subbie decree

i love my vanilla friends - i really do!! AND i love my family - honest i do!! BUT to have two engagements on the same weekend one with family one with vanilla friends is too much!!

Soooooo i decree from now on......... only one family or vanilla engagement is allowed over a one weekend period. There just isn't any other way !!! cause know what happens when there is too much vanilla and not enough BDSM?? A cranky needy bitchy weepy subbie appears.... like magic!!! she just pops up .. like a rabbit out of a hat.....

There is something that makes a subbie brain very different from a normal vanilla brain.. maybe even from a Dom brain. The subbie brain prepares... it calculates.. it imagines.. it fantasizes.. it prepares (ooooooops i said that already didn't i??)

BUT it is so very true .. the sub brain prepares itself for pain. Let me give you an example. On New Year's Day Sir and i were having some BDSM friends over for a party / get together. Sir had me fetch the new tack paddle and place it in easy reach (translate - put it in the kitchen) Then He had me fetch the antiseptic and the cotton pads and put them in easy reach (translate - put them with the paddle in the kitchen). Then sometime during the evening Sir told me to fetch the paddle. My heart started pounding, my palms got sweaty and .. well yes.. i just plain got wet. Sir had me present myself over the footstool .. ass bared for all to watch. Sir showed everyone the paddle.. He pointed out the tacks poking through...... the build up was awesome. My mind and body was ready. i braced myself for impact. Sir raised the paddle and gave me one light tap. i waited. He went on talking about what usually happened. Then He patted my ass and handed me the paddle and told me to put it away.......???!!! put it away?? But but but??? i put it away.. my hands trembled.. my knees felt weak... my stomach ached. That was it folks!

And so it is when Friday comes around.. my heart starts to pound... my palms get sweaty.. and i prepare / fantasize / calculate and prepare some more for the weekend ahead. It is absolutely NO good at all if there are two vanilla events on the same weekend. There just isn't enough time or energy left over for any decent play.

Sir wrote a lovely blog entry about the play on Friday night....... a tease i say.. a tease!! my body was ready.. my mind was ready.. i was hot and sweaty and all wet.......... and that was it.. an instant replay of New Year's Day...........

So today i decided that it was time for a subbie revolt of sorts.. a declaration .. "from now on, only ONE (1) vanilla event allowed per weekend." Do ya think it will work???

~~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely different note.. if anyone is interested.. i had my re-check of my re-check of my re-check today at the doctor's and she declared me 99% fit !!!! Yeahhhhhhhh no more yucky fungus growing inside my body........ no more meds.. yay.... i am finally cured.

BAD bad bad......

i was bad on Saturday.... bad bad bad....... BUT like all good subbies i have an excellent reason for my bad behaviour..... excellent!!

Saturday was laundry day..... Saturday was clean up get ready for vanilla company day.. Saturday was no play day.......... and Friday had only just been a tease.......... i was bad because i wanted to play.. i wanted sex.. i wanted to be noticed and used and played with and i acted badly ....... i even dissolved in tears because i felt "ignored"....... i wasn't ignored per say.. i was still expected to make the meals .. fetch the pills .. fetch the juice.. make the coffee and fetch and carry.. i was still expected to wait for permission to enter rooms (which i kinda messed up a couple of times) i wasn't ignored.. i just felt ignored ..... i was bad.

Sunday is dawning with little or no hope of any change in routine........ get showered dressed get breakfast get out the door ......... early !! Last hockey game of the season for grandson...... and well with one thing or another we haven't managed to make one game..... and we promised... so out to a hockey game bright and early........

Sunday afternoon is above mentioned grandson's birthday party......... Sunday night is ... well .. lost ........... for many different reasons.........

so i was bad bad bad..... that is the reason....... and i am sticking to it........

Lessons my father taught me.....

My father taught me most of the usual lessons one teaches their children........ like never talk to strangers..... he taught me how to be a lady..or god love him he tried to! (sit with your knees together and at a slight angle...... take small steps... hold your head high and your back straight) BUT almost as important as never talk to strangers was never discuss politics - EVER! i can remember the first time i was going to vote in an election (which was another lesson - ALWAYS cast your vote!) He lectured me forever and a day about never ever telling anyone who i was voting for.. it was private - as private as how much money one earned - or how much one spent on their new car/house/whatever.

And so i have continued following his instructions re politics........ i keep my opinions to myself - well most of the time. Another thing that has happened over the years is that i have become disillusioned with my philosophy of democracy and politics. And so i rarely if ever read a news paper or listen to a news broadcast - i just don't see the point.

Until recently............ Here in Quebec (for those of you who don't know) we have a party called the PQ.. they are your basic home grown separatists who believe Quebec should separate from the rest of Canada - i tend to pfffffffft and scowl a lot when i hear anything about them......... But they have a new party leader - who caught my interest originally because he was very young .. openly homosexual and had used cocaine.

This week he opened his mouth yet again and made a reference to slant eyed students at Harvard. He won't apologise for his comment saying the term slant eyed in french is perfectly alright - maybe even politically correct??

BUT that isn't what i really want to talk about........ getting back to my father's rule about politics...... i broke that rule last evening when i brought up this whole mess with Sir over dinner..... Sir doesn't believe Boisclair should apologise. (which doesn't mean Sir agrees with his comments - only that Sir believes a politician should not back down) and i argued the man did not need to apologise for the comment........ but he could apologise for hurting people's feelings. i said he was an arrogant SOB and i couldn't believe his attitude. i was riled ! (which is putting it mildly) Sir and i got into a heated debate about the whole issue and a few other political issues. i could hear my father whispering in my ear "I told you so" over and over.

i was pretty pissed when i got up to clean off the table and do the dinner dishes... i was pretty pissed off while i was doing the dishes. i was pissed off cause Sir didn't agree with me! HOLD ON! STOP THE PRESSES! i was pissed cause He didn't agree with me?? What is wrong with that picture!? and it has very little to do with D/s or BDSM... ughhhhh blew my belief that everyone has the right to their own opinions / theories/ philosophies and does NOT have to agree with me right out the damn window didn't i??

i did some thinking too.......... would i want a Sir who changes His mind to agree with me?? with anyone?? don't i believe one should stick to their beliefs through thick and thin?? ughhhhhhhh slap me upside the head again!!

And all those thoughts were rolling around in my head latter in the evening when Sir decided to have some fun with those bloody awful heart clips (more like alligator clips!) that i bought Him for Valentine's day....... remember them??


He put them on each breast .. after 20 minutes or so He took them off and moved them around - delighting in my gasps of pain and tears ........ after 20 more minutes take them off move em around again.

Then Sir had this brilliant idea to see how they would look clipped to my ass ......... to my ass !!!! The first one went on and the tears were automatic .. knee jerk .. unstoppable. i believe he managed to get all but one on ....... the tears flowed freely. He even jiggled them and played with them.. He even tried to get a little sex play going - which is when what little self respect i was holding on to gave way........ and i sobbed ... and begged Him to stop. And Sir did. It was over... the clips came off my ass felt pierced in 8 different places .. my nose was running.. my face tear stained.

BUT Sir didn't change His mind ........ despite my pleas........ and He didn't apologise for hurting me......... did i want Him to?? nope. of course not. How does this tie into the lessons my father taught me or the fact we have a twit running for Premier ?? it doesn't...
(laughing) it had a point when i started.. but somewhere in the writing the point got lost...........

Cleaning house.......

Well here are the pics of my very own torture devices...........

Have i told you that i HATE nipple clamps??? god how i hate them !! they leave dimples in my nipples that hurt .. i mean really HURT !! nipples are not supposed to have dimples in them !!

And i want to report i was very good........... a friend called right in the middle of my cleaning and tinkling......... (tinkling as in the sound a bell makes ....... NOT peeing!!! god !! i could hear what you were all thinking !!) and i thought about removing the clamps..... because the order was to wear them while i cleaned.. and i was rationalizing if i wasn't cleaning then i didn't have to wear them...... right?? BUT i figured Sir wouldn't see it quite that way...... so i left the clamps on and chatted away... which extended the wear time by at least 20 minutes!!

And i kept thinking about the bell (hard not to think about it .. as every time i moved it tinkled) that it was originally meant to be put on a cat's collar .. and here i was clipping this cat bell on to my clit ring........ gives a whole new meaning to belling the pussy no???

AND i never realized how much i use my upper body to guide the vacuum when i am doing the stairs!! but i learned the hard way - because the damn chain from the clamps kept getting caught in the handle and tugging .. hard!

But after nearly a month the main level of the house is clean........ my nipples are dimpled.. and my clit is twitching........ and NO i am not complaining..

Dark before Dawn

It is just before dawn and i am awake ... slow moving.. but awake... it is a quiet time of day........ none of my neighbours are up or out .. it is the quiet before the "storm" i call it. It is the time of day i love ...........

my body is returning to normal....... on two fronts. The bruises don't hurt as much and my energy levels are peaking to normal again.... (i actually managed to wash 3 sets of hard wood floors when i got home yesterday - including moving furniture to do it!! and all before dinner !!)

i cheated a bit last night when i was chatting with Sir... He is busy looking and looking for more train stuff.. so i put on a dvd on my portable dvd player that i am just really learning to appreciate....... and watched the Illusionist while we chatted. i loved it... the movie i mean. It was like a fairy tale...... happy ever after ending. And i didn't feel quite so ignored .. not like usual. The thought did cross my mind i may have created a monster with this train thing.........BUT i am trying very hard not to be such high maintenance.

i will be alone tonite..... Sir is doing some volunteer work at the local veteran's hospital ... playing bingo with them or organising bingo... something along those lines. i get to amuse myself for an evening... i am thinking cleaning the main level might be a good idea.. especially since Sir has invited some vanilla friends for dinner on the weekend......... and the house hasn't had a good cleaning since i got sick a month ago.........i could hope for some nice bdsm tasks to do instead........but i really am trying NOT to be high maintenance.. just a quiet invisible sub .. waiting to be needed..... He taught me that at the very beginning.. "a good sub is invisible"

i do like the quiet before the dawn - time to think about "things"...

It hurts

Sir played hard with me on Saturday night at the play party..... very hard. He poked me in a couple of places and said "I think you will be bruised" and i smiled. i wanted to be bruised..... i wanted to feel the pain the next day.. and maybe the day after that ... i can't explain why .. it doesn't happen often.......... and i wanted to enjoy it.

Sunday i bitched and complained about how sore my ass was.. every time i sat down.. leaned against something.. rubbed it.. it hurt. i was bruised.. just as He predicted i would be.

Today was worse. My pants rubbing against the bruises made me catch my breath... when i leaned against the concrete walls to talk to a kiddie i would wince.. when i sat on the hard school chairs i gasped.

He was right .. i am bruised. And it hurts.

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EDITED............

Buffalo asked me if i was complaining in the above post........ which got me thinking....... a lot of mixed up thoughts......... and i realized after i walked away from the computer and was just vegetating that no i wasn't complaining........ but i do feel lonely. Pain can be a very lonely thing. and then i thought how lonely i can feel (sometimes) during a session. Saturday night was one of those times.. i don't know why....... Sir made sure there was lots of physical contact between us........ BUT at one point.. Sir left me hanging around while He went to speak to a friend of ours.. to tease and laugh before He came back to me.... and during that brief time i felt very alone.......... and for some reason i couldn't shake that feeling........

And today every time i felt the twinge from the bruises i felt alone again........ there was a spill over from BDSM to vanilla in a very physical way and it felt strange and weird and lonely.

In an even more strange way i feel like i have crashed....... BUT......... we played on Saturday night.......... and usually if i am gonna crash from a session it is the day after.......not 2 days later............ yet that is exactly what i am feeling.......... pain and alone and unfocused..... it is all very weird .......... but this too shall pass...

all good things

We held a munch/play party here in the Great White North last evening... the turn out was much less than we anticipated (their loss) but still a lot of fun !!! We went to a new club (i wonder why it is now that BDSM clubs are calling themselves community centers? they sure don't resemble any community center i can ever remember)

This place was new.. brand spanking new.. sparkling clean - decorated by a female - no offense men but sometimes a woman's touch just makes it that much nicer. There were no black dungeon walls....... there were no rattling chains or scary dark corners..... There was a brightly light well equipped medical room. There was a nice small private room with a spanking bench and a book case full of videos for the choosing.... there was a smartly equipped walk through style kitchenette .. there was a lovely snuggle room cordoned off from the rest of the club by flowing gauzy white curtains.. dimly lit with everything needed to perform after care on a well used submissive.......... and then.. there was the BIG room. The BIG room was huge........... and not overly stuffed with play stations or furniture. There were more than enough chairs around the edges to allow everyone to sit and relax.. and there was a kneeling bench - the likes of which i have never seen before !! Sir put me on it.. i was leary - most kneeling benches hurt my knees and have me crying "Uncle" before the first strike .......... this one fit me like it was made for me.. there were no ridges cutting into my diaphragm .. the padded kneeling area was large and thickly padded.... the head rest was even comfy too.. though as Sir pointed out to me i tended to kneel straight up so much my head never had time to find a comfy spot....

Sir was in His glory.......... because of the sheer size of the room.. and the high ceilings He was able to use the gorean whip and the circus whip to their full advantage.

i have absolutely no idea how long i was up on the bench.. i do know a couple of times Sir stopped to ask if i had had enough.. i remember shaking my head NO NO NO.. this was what i had been waiting for for over a month of illnesses.. this felt amazingly perfect. Over and over and over the toys played their magic on my ass.. my thighs and sometimes my back ( i HATE my back being hit).... i remember Sir stopping at one point and poking rather roughly at first one spot and then another and saying "you will be bruised tomorrow!" and then it continued........... i remember thinking at one point - there is nothing else in the whole world i need or want......... i am who i am - a masochist !!

And i did get to curl up behind the sofy gauzy curtains snuggled in Sir's arms .. and i did get to watch as Sir bound up a newbie's breasts - so she could experience a rope bra.. i remember thinking i MUST be.. HAVE TO be.. better now....... cause i could never have taken this even a week ago...... i remember coming home feeling warm and fuzzy inside.. and sleeping with my fairies..........

and psssssssssssst.... this morning i have a sore ass ...marked and most definitely bruised !!!

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and for those of you who read through all this gratuitous sex talk to see if there will be a train post..... (cheeky grin)


the campsite/nature walk is coming along........ and i finally struggled with my sunflower field and got them put together... and ready for placement........... BUt come tomorrow morning i am back to work so the aging process of the site.. and the fast water.. and all the other little touches have been put on the back burner...........

What happens IF......

i just read a discussion on another blog.. about TPE (total power exchange) - well that wasn't the exact topic... but then i am known for not staying on topic on most blogs!

It was the TPE that jumped out and rattled my brain. i once knew a slave who lived a total TPE relationship. She had no job but serving her Master. She lived completely and totally in the BDSM world. Even when she ventured out in the vanilla world - it was under her Master's orders or with Him at her side. He thought for her 24/7 .. made decisions for her, she didn't have a charge card to her name, didn't have a bank account, she ate what He gave her to eat .. even the clothes on her back were bought by Him. It all sounded very fairy tale-ish and like so much fun !! How i daydreamed about being able to live such a life.

BUT in the back of mind was the one thing i always stressed with my daughters - never ever rely on anyone! to support you - always make sure you have the means to support yourself - because life can throw you some pretty mean curve balls.

Anyway getting back to TPE......Occasionally i come across a blog where the submissive is being groomed to be a total slave.. totally and completely dependent on her Master. Part of me is a little bit jealous...... but another part of me niggles at the thought. Today at lunch Sir and i were discussing how happy i would be if i never ever had to go work again.. and He made some comment about / apology for not being able to "keep me in the way i wished". And i choked. Is that what i truly want?? a total TPE??

i thought back to my friend the slave in a total TPE....... and i remembered what happened when her Master died suddenly. She was totally and completely at a loss. She had been in this relationship for going on 20 years. 20 years of not thinking for herself !! 20 years of not owning anything.. not a bank account.. not a credit card.. nothing. The death of her Master sent her spiraling down - she didn't know how she would live from day to day...... The worst of it was how she couldn't function without being told what to do.. what to wear.. when to get up and when to go bed. i found it very difficult to visualize. i found it even more difficult to imagine.

But - when Sir took His "retreat" last month and i was left with no rules to follow..... no structure .. i was lost. i was devastated. Every morning i sat in front of the computer screen and stared at it aimlessly (usually first thing in the morning i send Sir a private journal)... at 8:00 each evening i was lost - no chatting with Sir on msn... everything was out of kilter. Everything except for the fact that i had to get up each morning and go to work. It became my rock on which i depended. It was a reason to get up and get dressed and get out the door.

i guess i worry about all these young subbies who have found their dream Master - one who can and does support them completely. Their only job being to serve Him. i hope with all that is me that their Masters have made arrangements for them should anything happen to Them. But even then, i worry how they will cope in a world that expects everyone - man or woman - to make their own way. It is hard enough to deal with a death of a spouse / loved one/partner without having to struggle with the total helplessness that comes from being a TPE slave. i said to Sir once.. jokingly.. when He was talking about His will.. that He had better put in a codicil and leave me to a Dominant of His choice! Not so silly a thought if one thinks about a slave with no raison d'être except for her Master.

TPE is an interesting choice and a worrisome one too.

4th Weekend

AND counting....... yup it has been 4 weekends that i have had one bug or another... which does not mean that Sir hasn't been having some fun with me... it just means the play is altered to reflect my energy or rather my lack of it..........

Last night was no different.. After dinner.. and somewhere around 9:00 pm!! Sir told me to go and pick a paddle that i wanted Him to use on me. My initial response was " are You F*^%*ing crazy???!" But knowing better than using that exact phrase.. i just smiled nicely and said "yes Sir". (SEE - i can be good !! )

So downstairs i went... and stood looking at the toy wall.... there was this paddle......


i kinda thought maybe............but then changed my mind as i remembered the awful bone rattling whallops that come from that paddle..

Then i looked at this paddle.. i even went so far as to take it down off the wall.......


But then i remembered how hard Sir likes to hit with this one.. how the holes make it more .. god i don't remember the expression aerodynamic or something.

And then i spied this one....... ( i am starting to sound like goldilocks - that one will hurt toooo much .. and that one will hurt wayyyyyy too much...... )



i remembered this one !! Master Calvin and june gave Sir this little white paddle at an event we were all at this past summer. It looked so cute hanging on the wall between the two big butt busting paddles....... and it looked like it would be "just right!!" so i took it down, and brought it back upstairs.

Sir slapped His hand a couple of times with it.. testing sort of.. while He smiled at me like i had possibly lost my mind. He even asked if i remembered this paddle?? Reminded me it was teflon......... i kept nodding like one of bouncing head dolls... i kept thinking but it is so small and so cute looking............

So i went down on my knees bent over the sofa while Sir went to work on my ass with the cute lil white teflon - just right - paddle. The first few swats WERE just right.. and i made the mistake of thinking "i could get to like this!" When the swats became harder and faster and moving .. all over my ass.. even into the "sweet spot" just where the legs join the ass.. know that spot???? and i was yelping and bopping around (as much as possible considering as Sir was holding my down) and thinking to myself .. not so cute or little anymore !!!

If anyone is interested.. teflon molds to the form it is spanking folks..... AND it doesn't break.. (trust me i know.. Sir tried!) When the session was over.. the teflon paddle had this cute lil curve in the middle where it had molded to my ass !! and my ass??!! Well it is now 12 hours later and my ass is still burning .. and sore to sit on........ AND Sir mentioned that i have 2 punishments coming this morning (at the very least!) and i think i should go and make that cute lil "just right" teflon paddle disappear....................

Genital Piercing

A few years ago i wrote an article on genital piercings - just after i had been pierced. This is just a part of that article........

Well it has been just over a month since Thanksgiving and my piercing. And now the first rush of the event has passed and i have had time to reflect.

First of all i have to say, one of the things that i researched was vertical versus horizontal piercings. W/we opted for a vertical clit hood piercing for a number of reasons…… friends who had been pierced warned me of horizontal piercings pulling and twisting and just being plain uncomfortable. Pierre the piercer told U/us when W/we arrived that He would not do a horizontal piercing for all the reasons that i had been told. They are basically uncomfortable, frequently twisting and pulling. He recommended a vertical piercing as it would lie more naturally against my body, not get caught as frequently in clothing, and would not twist or pull when i moved. Not having any horizontal piercing to compare with …. i can only say that i love the vertical piercing. i hardly know i have it … it doesn't twist or pull unless of course my Sir is doing the twisting and pulling

Secondly i want to talk a little bit about the healing process. Pierre told me that for the first 3 weeks i was to soak the piercing twice a day in a solution of sea salt. After the first 3 weeks i could go to once a day for the last 3 weeks. For the first week or so, i took full sea salt baths - as i needed to turn the piercing to ensure that the salt water was moved through the puncture and cleaned it out.
After that week i went to using a shot glass filled with the sea salt solution, and with some practice became quite good at fitting the glass over the piercing and creating a vacuum that held it all in place for the 5 minutes. i will admit to being skeptical at how well this routine would work. But after 5 weeks i have to say i have never ever healed as quickly and as painlessly as i did this time. i now have a huge bag of sea salt stored in the house for any and all wounds that need disinfecting. It was amazing!!!!!

Thirdly and finally, i want to talk a little bit about the emotional side of being pierced. i had talked with submissives who had been pierced only to please their Dominants. They talked of a painful long healing process. They talked of hating it, and feeling that their bodies had been mutilated. In the back of my mind was a small worry that i would experience the same reaction. BUT, on the day of the piercing i couldn't wait to see it, couldn't wait to turn it and play with it. i loved not only the piercing but also the jewelry. However, the first week was a long lonely week. Every time i sat down i sat down gingerly, being careful to ease myself into chairs. Once i forgot, and sat down with a, shall we say, "bang" and immediately felt the jewelry banging into my already sore and aching clit. It was not something i quickly forgot. For the first three days, i guess, i held on to the thought that this was something i had always wanted! Pleasing my Sir hardly, if ever, came to mind. On the fourth day i was tired of the discomfort, tired of sitting gingerly, tired of my clothes rubbing on it … just plain tired. The six week healing period seemed a life time. i was discouraged and feeling a bit down. That night i sat and thought how proud my Sir was of the piercing, and of me! i remembered the look on His face while He watched the needle puncturing my skin and the jewelry being put in. i remembered His arm wrapped protectively around my shoulders, and most of all i remembered His quiet words "I am proud of you!" At the end of my reminiscing i was comfortable again and happy i had decided to be pierced.

Miraculously the next day i hardly noticed the piercing. i moved freely with little or no discomfort. i jumped up and down out of chairs at work. And that day when i reached home and stripped down to my "subbie uniform" i actually felt the jewelry move and swing. What an amazing feeling!!!!!

After 3 weeks the piercing felt virtually healed. It turned easily, it pressed ever so nicely on my clit. And when Sir played with it, the only phrase i can use to describe what i felt was…. ELECTRIC !!! After 5 weeks i will say it is everything i had hoped for…. if not more!!

Now after 4 years or so.. i still adore my piercing and the sensations it gives me.

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and for those of you who missed the announcement yesterday.... there is a new story on my Fictional Journey - see link on the right.

sympathy

i was feeling just a tad sorry for myself on Thursday...... sick again!! At least ..at the very beginning.. "in the beginning there was nothing".. that beginning..... i warned Him that i was a terrible horrible patient. i can be sick for 24 hours but anything past 24 hours i am a terrible horrible patient !!

This time i didn't wait 24 hours... i didn't wait for my recheck .. i went straight to the clinic with my throat that felt like it was swollen closed.. with my cough..with my no voice - just a squeak... (and they are still perfecting line ups at our clinics.. ) i sat for a little over 4 hours in a waiting room full of sick people - if i wasn't sick going in.. i sure as hell was gonna be sick coming out.. makes for good repeat business i think ........the doctor joked about giving me frequent flyer points - 3 visits in as many weeks...... he poked .. he prodded.. he hummed and he hawed.. and finally he asked "does your throat hurt?" my god man !! that is the whole reason i was there.. and in case he hadn't noticed i mentioned again that i had no voice.. in this squeaky (not at all sexy) voice ..

Final diagnosis.. i caught a cold. A C O L D !!!! a plain old fashioned cold!! i NEVER go to the doctor with a cold !! sighhhhhhhh my throat was not going to swell up and close .. i was going to land up coughing and blowing and feeling perfectly cold miserable.. it was just a cold !!!

i rushed home to tell Sir.. no school till after break was the good news.. the bad news i had a cold.... which really in the large scheme of things isn't that bad....AND Sir was pleased.. even if He does have to contend with a sick subbie for another weekend.......... and even if there is storm marching in that just may prevent Him from arriving on schedule Friday afternoon (in like a lion out like a lamb??)

Sir was going out for dinner with friends .... He decided i needed tender loving care.. lots of sympathy to feel better.. Sir's brand of sympathy and tender loving care?? "At 7:00 pm put clamps on your pussy lips for 10 minutes...... then text message me and tell me it is done... at 7:30 put clamps on your pussy for 10 minutes then text message.. at 8:00 put clamps on your pussy and text message.. at 8:30 have a nice hot bath for the cold .. but make sure the clamps are on the pussy IN the bath...... text message it is done and you are going to bed"...

i do so love His brand of sympathy!! i felt ohhhhhhhhh so much better as i climbed into bed........now if the snow can hold off enough for Him to get here...........

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as Sir reminded me.. it is the 2nd of March and my entry on the Fictional Journey is one day late........ for your reading pleasure hit the link on the right ...