Yesterday i wrote a tongue in cheek blog about the expectations and subsequent crash when the expectations of a hard scene aren't met. i wrote it tongue in cheek because i wasn't sure if i was the only one who experienced the cranky needy bitchy weepy subbie phenomenon. It turns out i am not alone (which is one of the reasons i really LOVE blogging.. there is always someone out there who 'gets' what you are feeling!!)
kaya wrote a long excellent comment on that post...... and i would like to discuss it with her (the rest of you can read along or move along - depending on your interest in the subject matter)
" And how do you not let yourself feel the build? "
i haven't a clue kaya.... i have promised Sir time and time again that i will get it all under control.. only to lose it the very next time.. then i beat myself up for being this cranky needy bitchy weepy sub. After the fact it is so easy to feel angry at oneself for the emotions.. so easy to promise to improve..... but then it happens again....... and again .........
Do you think the Men In Charge are fully aware of the psychological process that proceeds what we think is going to be an intense scene, and the subsequent 'crash' of not getting it? I do think it is uncontrollable. It's a drop in hormones, or something.. has to be.
First .. no i don't think the Men in Charge (as you so aptly put it) have any idea of the psychological process we go through...... i don't see how they can... (though Sir and your Master can jump right in here and slap me upside the head if they wish.. or any other Dominant out there)
Secondly.. it can't be a drop in hormones - because dear kaya - i no longer have any (which is another whole story!!) BUT .. i do believe there is a rise in .. maybe ?? the endophins before they even pick up that first flogger?? i agree with you that something happens to a sub's physiology........ and the crash that follows is nearly as bad as any sub drop i have ever experienced.
Or does this simply fall under the realm of getting what They give, dealing with what They aren't giving... and "uncontrollable" is a cop-out.. or topping from the bottom.. or something equally shameful to us poor, neglected submissives?
That statement is why i have always beaten myself up after an unsuccessful scene (for lack of a better term or repeating myself ). i do NOT want to top from the bottom...... and i try so damn hard to just accept what Sir gives (or doesn't give) me without complaint... so when i do turn into the sub from hell i figure it is all my fault.......and i must be a bad sub.... a terrible sub.. a terrible horrible sub!!
Thinking that it might be a little bit like sub drop....... well that makes it a little easier to accept ..... know what i mean?? Sir never gets cross with me if i have sub drop.. i don't ever get cross with me if i have sub drop.. and i know what to do to make the sub drop go away / get better...... (in your case kaya i would say eat chocolate!! grinning) So maybe you are right... maybe this sub from hell attitude is something we have no control over...... just like sub drop. And maybe i shouldn't grade my submissiveness based on something i have no control over.
However having said all that.. it doesn't make it go away or never happen again.. it just kinda excuses the behaviour..... and i am not a big one for excusing any sort of bad behaviour......... sighhhhhh.. so where does that leave us??
I know you were being somewhat silly and I'm totally going off the charts here.. but it is a serious issue, don't you think?
and no you aren't way off the charts here kaya.. not even a little bit. It is a very serious issue and i was (as i said at the beginning) just trying to work it through using a little bit of humour.
Any and all comments are most welcome not just from kaya but from anyone and everyone who has read through to this point!!! Surely together we can work out what this is.. how to deal with it.. and turn into more complacent loving subbies.......
and one last comment to kaya...... i hear you have offered to pick up some really BIG clamps for Sir......... that is so sweet of you kaya........ but please!!!! don't put yourself out!! i am sure i can do without those particular clamps...... (smiling angelically)
oh yeah.... and i promised (mainly Buffalo) to post today about the "ordeal" i went through last evening.......... but as i have continued the discussion of Anticipation....... it seems only fair that anyone wanting to know about my "ordeal" will just have to deal with their own anticipation.. i will post about it (probably) tomorrow.