Yesterday i wrote a tongue in cheek blog about the expectations and subsequent crash when the expectations of a hard scene aren't met. i wrote it tongue in cheek because i wasn't sure if i was the only one who experienced the cranky needy bitchy weepy subbie phenomenon. It turns out i am not alone (which is one of the reasons i really LOVE blogging.. there is always someone out there who 'gets' what you are feeling!!)
kaya wrote a long excellent comment on that post...... and i would like to discuss it with her (the rest of you can read along or move along - depending on your interest in the subject matter)
" And how do you not let yourself feel the build? "
i haven't a clue kaya.... i have promised Sir time and time again that i will get it all under control.. only to lose it the very next time.. then i beat myself up for being this cranky needy bitchy weepy sub. After the fact it is so easy to feel angry at oneself for the emotions.. so easy to promise to improve..... but then it happens again....... and again .........
Do you think the Men In Charge are fully aware of the psychological process that proceeds what we think is going to be an intense scene, and the subsequent 'crash' of not getting it? I do think it is uncontrollable. It's a drop in hormones, or something.. has to be.
First .. no i don't think the Men in Charge (as you so aptly put it) have any idea of the psychological process we go through...... i don't see how they can... (though Sir and your Master can jump right in here and slap me upside the head if they wish.. or any other Dominant out there)
Secondly.. it can't be a drop in hormones - because dear kaya - i no longer have any (which is another whole story!!) BUT .. i do believe there is a rise in .. maybe ?? the endophins before they even pick up that first flogger?? i agree with you that something happens to a sub's physiology........ and the crash that follows is nearly as bad as any sub drop i have ever experienced.
Or does this simply fall under the realm of getting what They give, dealing with what They aren't giving... and "uncontrollable" is a cop-out.. or topping from the bottom.. or something equally shameful to us poor, neglected submissives?
That statement is why i have always beaten myself up after an unsuccessful scene (for lack of a better term or repeating myself ). i do NOT want to top from the bottom...... and i try so damn hard to just accept what Sir gives (or doesn't give) me without complaint... so when i do turn into the sub from hell i figure it is all my fault.......and i must be a bad sub.... a terrible sub.. a terrible horrible sub!!
Thinking that it might be a little bit like sub drop....... well that makes it a little easier to accept ..... know what i mean?? Sir never gets cross with me if i have sub drop.. i don't ever get cross with me if i have sub drop.. and i know what to do to make the sub drop go away / get better...... (in your case kaya i would say eat chocolate!! grinning) So maybe you are right... maybe this sub from hell attitude is something we have no control over...... just like sub drop. And maybe i shouldn't grade my submissiveness based on something i have no control over.
However having said all that.. it doesn't make it go away or never happen again.. it just kinda excuses the behaviour..... and i am not a big one for excusing any sort of bad behaviour......... sighhhhhh.. so where does that leave us??
I know you were being somewhat silly and I'm totally going off the charts here.. but it is a serious issue, don't you think?
and no you aren't way off the charts here kaya.. not even a little bit. It is a very serious issue and i was (as i said at the beginning) just trying to work it through using a little bit of humour.
Any and all comments are most welcome not just from kaya but from anyone and everyone who has read through to this point!!! Surely together we can work out what this is.. how to deal with it.. and turn into more complacent loving subbies.......
and one last comment to kaya...... i hear you have offered to pick up some really BIG clamps for Sir......... that is so sweet of you kaya........ but please!!!! don't put yourself out!! i am sure i can do without those particular clamps...... (smiling angelically)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
oh yeah.... and i promised (mainly Buffalo) to post today about the "ordeal" i went through last evening.......... but as i have continued the discussion of Anticipation....... it seems only fair that anyone wanting to know about my "ordeal" will just have to deal with their own anticipation.. i will post about it (probably) tomorrow.
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I'm honestly so relieved to have found a 'kindred spirit' that I could just cry. It's such a lonely feeling to know you are being "bad" or " a terrible horrible sub!!" as you put it, and not feel like you *can* stop it or fix it.
ReplyDeleteThis gives me hope.. immense hope.. that it *is* something physical or hormonal or chemical, and it's not necessarily a negative reflection of my character (or lack thereof).
Just that realization alone could prove making it easier to deal with. Does that make sense? Like sub drop, or having pms, I know it's not something I'm deliberately doing to be difficult so that alleviates the guilt a bit. But no, excuses don't sit well with me either. Chemical in nature or not, it's still a 'behavior' that is less than stellar.
Thank you so much for posting this and I hope others will weigh in with feedback.
kaya
ps. Truly, it's not trouble at all to send those clips. I'm delighted to be of service *snicker*
I'm thinkin' ol' Buffalo will keep his comments to himself - especially since he doesn't have one or the basis to form an opinion.
ReplyDeleteIn all relationships there will be needs from all parties involved along with expectations which can lead to anticipation and ultimately fulfillment. Your body does indeed undergo physiological changes dependent upon which stage you are in and how intense your relationship is. That is just fact.
ReplyDeleteFrom my viewpoint, as a mere voyeur peering into your world, I think we all experience very similar things, but to varying degrees. And you don't have to publish this comment if you do not want. I probably don't really have a clue about your lifestyle.
However, I think your relationships and lifestyle can be so much more intense and that is very addictive and alluring, emotionally and physically. I think in many cases you make a much bigger commitment to your Master than others do in regular relationships. I mean you are placing "everything" in your Masters hands and control. That is HUGE in the relationship world. That is why you have those head games being played in your mind every time you don't get what you need to stay high/charged/intense, physically satisfied, etc....whatever you want to call it. Because if you don't get it...part of you feels guilty because you are thinking that makes your Master look or sound bad...because they for whatever reason...did not provide for you what you needed. So you dog yourself and feel bad and say you are a bad sub.
BUT..did you ever stop to look at it this way.... That perhaps Master is actually doing the best job...and in turn you are being the BEST sub....because by perhaps NOT quite taking you there sometimes and leaving you "wanting and needing more"...that leaves you exactly where you need to remain in order to be the best sub for them?
SO the end result is....you are the best sub......because all of your aching and pouting and neediness proves that they have been the best Master, ultimately providing for you both, what you genuinely need in the end. The end result will be so much sweeter when it finally does all come to pass in complete fulfillment.
Unless you are talking a complete revolt on your part...which would be another story. I did not read where that had happened here. You just said you needed more. You wanted more. You expected more. You HAVE to have more. SIGNS of a good sub I think...and the BEST Master!
Again....only from a voyeuristic viewpoint. Truly.
and again...you can delete the comment if you like and it won't hurt my feelings. I sort of feel like I am speaking out of line here...but I did want to let you know how I see it....or WE see it....on the outside looking in...
ReplyDeleteSorry...I forgot something...I wanted to also address this specific point:
ReplyDelete" And how do you not let yourself feel the build? "
If it were me...(and again it could be different for me)...I would allow myself to "feel" the build.
Experience every damn ache and need even if I did not want to. That is all part of the whole experience isn't it? To me looking in....that is what makes you a good sub! YOU DO feel it all....ache for it all......want it all...always. That is what keeps you a good sub.
Is a sub NOT supposed to FEEL the build?
and sure they know what psychological ramifications that come into play in your heads and bodies...
ReplyDeletethat is what makes them the Master! ;)
That was.......
ReplyDeleteGreat, a bit like everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask....
And here is me wondering whay i come here...
What a dick!
I've been wandering in this same territory... sort of. We had a scene last Saturday that, while not "broken" exactly, was radically different from my perspective than it was from His. The repercussions of that have been reverberating ever since, and are still not resolved. I can't even find words to explain what happened, and so it sits there between us, causing trouble... Damn!
ReplyDeleteI, like you, know THEY really don't get what happens to us when this thing goes awry. It is a complete puzzlement to their Dominant souls.
Thanks for opening the door.
swan
I believe that your Doms know precisely the psychological and physiological processes involved.
ReplyDeleteRemember, THEY are the Doms ... THEY make the decision when, where and just how hard a session will be.
Do not underestimate what your Master (s) know.
The 'crash' is just another part of Masters control.
Or maybe i'm wrong.
This is just how I've always viewed it.
Oh yeah .... in regards to making Buffalo wait: The subbie becomes the Master?!
ReplyDelete*giggle*