Tuesday, September 06, 2005

emotional storm

i am tired tonite... so very very tired....and feeling just a tad emotional. Once upon a time i could blame the emotional crap on "that time of the month" but i haven't had a "that time of the month" for a couple of years now..... No i believe i have had some emotional buttons pushed ... and i am feeling shakey and just a tad emotional.

To start it was a busy weekend.. the workshops on Saturday.. coffee with friends for a good part of Sunday afternoon.. and entertaining a 'guest' for dinner on Monday. Not a whole lot of time to squeeze in any play.. though to be honest Sir did do a wax session, and another paddling marathon (not an hour but still a good long time)......... yet i feel a little under used. i have so much to offer it spills over sometimes and i am left feeling vaguely uneasy.

To make matters worse, the 'guest' we entertained yesterday was an ex girlfriend of Sir's......... very "ex" .. years have passed.. they stayed friends..... she was in town.... and the stars were aligned just right .. and Sir invited her to dinner.

i am not sure anyone will understand my initial reaction to her. When she walked through the door with Sir... it was like i was struck by some force.. i felt a tightness in my chest and i realized she made me feel very uncomfortable. This has never happened to me before.. usually my first impressions involve feelings like "shyness" or " stuck up" or " fun" or "nope don't like"... but never before have i been hit with a feeling like this one. (and before anyone tries to second guess this feeling.. it had nothing to do with her being an "ex" .. i have met a few of Sir's ex's.. and have liked them). i spent the first part of her time here cooking dinner.. which gave me an excuse to flutter in and out and around. The discomfort i was feeling didn't really abate. Over dinner Sir initiated a discussion about BDSM.. C was receptive to the discussion especially since Sir had already shown her the playroom downstairs. But i felt fidgety.......... (Sir and i had discussed.... earlier in the day... the possible chance she might wish to view a session between Sir and i.... a flogging as He called it.) It didn't happen.......... actually when Sir suggested going downstairs to see the "toys" and to discuss the differences between them...... C said fine but "she" (pointing to me) can stay upstairs. My jaw hit the floor........... i couldn't believe that C would be that forward.. that bold.. that .. that .. that...??!!! Sir then back pedalled and suggested that i take C downstairs......... but the moment passed and no one went downstairs.

This evening over dinner Sir and i discussed C... and i know i am secure in being Sir's #1 subbie........ there is no contest....... yet i can't help wondering "what if " Sir had taken C downstairs"........... "what if" Sir had flogged C....... where would we all be tonite????

An emotional storm is raging inside me........


  1. A tough ride my dear but your Sir did not go so I guess He has a sub worth having does it not!


  2. welcome home again Cloud.. good to read Your wise words .. thanks :)


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