Tuesday, September 20, 2005

on feeling protected

Once upon a time i was like this little turtle.... alone in the world .... and the best way i had to protect myself was to pull into my shell and shut the world out. i had learned (like so many) that the world could be a big bad place to live. i felt small and insignificant and very alone.

Then i met Sir .. and i remember saying to Him so many times when the world would nip at my heels and He would ask "are you ok?" i would laugh and say "yeah i am fine.. i am a tough old bird".......... He never believed me.. ever! He could see the hurt hiding just behind my eyes. BUT He knew until i was ready there was nothing He could do except stand beside me......

i also remember the turning point.. i was going through a particularily bad patch..... fighting the system.. feeling like for every step forward i slipped back two.... time was of the essence .. and i had no one to help me.. BUT i did !!! i picked up the phone and called Sir.. and though He couldn't be with me in body...... He moved heaven and earth from far away to make things happen for me. To give me the strength to fight the system .. to fight hard for someone i loved more than anyone else ever in the whole world... to fight for her right to die.
After when it was all over.. and she was finally at peace.. it was Sir who stood beside me.. walking me through everything that had to be done.. listening quietly while i still dealt with nasty lil thorny issues.... He never left my side... and i learned i wasn't alone anymore.

Last night Sir popped by unexpectedly.. and W/we talked long and hard about "stuff".. about my feelings.. about the “hussy” ...about my issues with privacy.. and as i lay in bed waiting for sleep to arrive, i realized how unprotected.. vulnerable i have become. For me it was easy to turn over my body .. do with it what You wish....... but it was a completely different matter to turn over the emotional vulnerable side of my being.....

It has taken 4 long years for me to be this open.. this vulnerable... like my little turtle only now with no shell. It can be a scary place - this vulnerable place i am in - BUT as i wrote yesterday .. i am safe under His hand...........

1 comment:

  1. It take so much strength to be as open as you are....thank you for that.

    All my best,
    ling

    ReplyDelete

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