Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Worrisome

As much as I may have "bitched" about the care/confusion in the hospitals, it was a comforting place to be.  

I realize that now I am home.  If I had a pain there was someone who would come at the press of a bell, if I wasn't hungry there was someone to come and try and tempt me to eat, and bring me food - food I didn't  have to think about, plan or make.  If I was tired I just curled up in the bed and didn't feel guilty about not trying hard enough - because after all I was in hospital and one was expected to get tired and need rests.  

There were blood tests every morning that kept everyone abreast of my healing - my blood levels - the healing of the infection.  There were antibiotics dripping into my arm to make sure it kept healing.  There were doctors galore to come and poke and speculate on what was wrong and how to fix it......... even if/when they didn't get it right.

In a way it was comforting being in the hospital.

Now I am home - and the excitement of being home has worn off - it is a wee bit scary.  I didn't come home to heal - all fixed - just needing time to finish off the healing process.  No I have come home with a problem (still not completely diagnosed) that I will have to return to hospital for and all their tests and poking and prodding to fix.

And so when I wake in the night with a pain in my gut, or a listlessness I worry.  I almost wish there was a button to push so I could share my worries/my ailments.  There is nothing comforting about lying awake at 4 in the morning listening to the dead silence of my lil home.  I almost wish I could hear the nursing staff giggling and chatting in the hallways.  A safety net just outside my door.

Yesterday Sir came and took me out for about an hour - I was exhausted when we got home.  My body shook from weakness.  I slept for the rest of the afternoon.  I am not used to being that weak.  I want......... WANT........ to be my old self again... full of piss and vinegar and energy.  It is scary to be this weak.  

And I wonder - in the dark of the night - in the recesses of my brain - if I will ever be able to find my way back to some sort of submissive nature - the one I was working on finding before all this happened. How can I serve someone else if I can't serve myself??!!  

It's all just a little bit worrisome.

7 comments:

Alyson said...

*hugs*

I don't have anywhere near the experience (in time) that you have of being a sub, but what I do have is quite a bit of experience of having severe medical problems (I'm a wheelchair user, not even safe to use the stove, and have just had my physio cut off because I've been told I need some major surgery first by my specialist) and making it work as a submissive. If you're ever interested, feel free to send me an e-mail and I'm happy to talk because I know how hard it can be.

Sending good thoughts your way! (And I'm sorry I haven't commented more, I've been away seeing a specialist so haven't been around, but I have thought of you.)

Hisflower said...

i was hoping you would be getting better and better and feeling stronger with each day. im so sorry you are having such a hard time. but listen to your body- get all the rest you can. continued good thoughts for total recovery and peace of mind are being sent to you- along with lots of warm hugs~

sweetSassyT said...

Morningstar,
Do not forget that gall bladder surgery, even though it's an efficient surgery these days, is still a major surgery. It used to take 3 months to heal. Just because the scar isn't as bad, doesn't mean that internal healing isn't still there. It was every bit that long before I felt better. I pulled a back muscle in my bout. I thought for sure they left stones in me. I saw three different doctors before getting to an orthopedic. I understand your frustration. Try and come up with something you're going to enjoy being in 6 months. I am praying for you. I'm confident they will figure this out. Find some friends that never sleep either! And, talk to them. It'll be ok. And, best sub is not being in control. Think of this as remedial training ; ) ! Hugs!

a hidden slave said...

The dark of the night is a lonely place, full of worries and insecurities, things always look brighter in the daylight:)
Institutionalization doesn't take long, and major surgery is always leaves emotional scars that need time to heal too...be kind to yourself; rest , sleep, and give yourself time.
Sending wishes for a speedy and complete recovery...let people look after you too!
HSxx

Sir said...

Looking for my magic wand...

swan said...

I don't have words of wisdom or advice. All I have to offer is the gift you've shared with me so many times -- a hug and a listening ear. I am so sorry this is so difficult. Rest. Recover your strength. Be well... There will be a time for the other things.

hugs, swan

anna said...

The unknown is so frightening and you are dealing with several unknowns: what is ailing you? when will you feel better? will you ever be your old self? will you be able to serve again in the way you'd like? and problably other questions I haven't thought of. You will have answers - of this I have no doubt. I just hope you get the answers soon. So that your mind can rest too.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if there's anything I can do.