As much as I may have "bitched" about the care/confusion in the hospitals, it was a comforting place to be.
I realize that now I am home. If I had a pain there was someone who would come at the press of a bell, if I wasn't hungry there was someone to come and try and tempt me to eat, and bring me food - food I didn't have to think about, plan or make. If I was tired I just curled up in the bed and didn't feel guilty about not trying hard enough - because after all I was in hospital and one was expected to get tired and need rests.
There were blood tests every morning that kept everyone abreast of my healing - my blood levels - the healing of the infection. There were antibiotics dripping into my arm to make sure it kept healing. There were doctors galore to come and poke and speculate on what was wrong and how to fix it......... even if/when they didn't get it right.
In a way it was comforting being in the hospital.
Now I am home - and the excitement of being home has worn off - it is a wee bit scary. I didn't come home to heal - all fixed - just needing time to finish off the healing process. No I have come home with a problem (still not completely diagnosed) that I will have to return to hospital for and all their tests and poking and prodding to fix.
And so when I wake in the night with a pain in my gut, or a listlessness I worry. I almost wish there was a button to push so I could share my worries/my ailments. There is nothing comforting about lying awake at 4 in the morning listening to the dead silence of my lil home. I almost wish I could hear the nursing staff giggling and chatting in the hallways. A safety net just outside my door.
Yesterday Sir came and took me out for about an hour - I was exhausted when we got home. My body shook from weakness. I slept for the rest of the afternoon. I am not used to being that weak. I want......... WANT........ to be my old self again... full of piss and vinegar and energy. It is scary to be this weak.
And I wonder - in the dark of the night - in the recesses of my brain - if I will ever be able to find my way back to some sort of submissive nature - the one I was working on finding before all this happened. How can I serve someone else if I can't serve myself??!!
It's all just a little bit worrisome.