The Junkie

Hi - my name is morningstar and I am an addict.

I am addicted to pain - to edge play - to the endorphins these activities produce.  

The interesting thing (well to me anyway) is that once I am past the craving for pain I don't even think about it........(but it takes weeks and months for that to happen) and well if I do think about it - it is with fear and trepidation.  Pain hurts - and the pain W gives me can hurt real bad. 

But despite that.........  promise me pain........ give me a sniff of pain - and I am like a junkie - I want it I need it .. I sleep eat and dream pain.  And then get cranky (if you can call that mood cranky!?) when I don't get it.

I had gone months without any pain (real pain) before moving here.  And yeah I admit it I had visions of (daily) floggers and whips and needles and knives dancing in my head at the thought of living with W........... daily - hell I would have liked hourly.  

But we have been busy 

We have had contractors in and about for 2 months

We have had well meaning friends drop in for coffee

We have had just plain off days

Which means - 

no pain 

Yesterday W brought out the new carpet beater he bought in China Town on the weekend.  And almost from the first hit to the last I cried.  At first I cried cause dammit it hurt !!  And then I cried from relief. I needed this - I craved this........... pain and the ensuing endorphins center me - ground me - and - weird as this may sound - make me feel loved.

But it was a hard fought battle to get me to the crying from sheer relief and feeling love.. 

In the interim W had to bring out a flogger and a whip and a knife...........

 
but it happened and those feelings of being grounded in my own skin - of feeling loved rushed through my veins - along with the endorphins..... and all was right with the world again

BUT

I am a junkie........... and the need will come again..........