What now?

I have been through so many different stages/phases/trial periods in the last 6 1/2 months that you'd think I would be more settled and knowing what I want and where I am going.

I tried bottoming to one couple....... and well... that did more to tie me up in knots than any good bondage session. Way too many emotional mine fields to navigate.. too many emotions running high... too many "he said" .. "she said" and the other "she saids" to be able to feel grounded. And I do know I need to feel grounded !!

I have tried going out and being the bon vivant ... but that hasn't done much for me.... I have been left feeling like the odd man out..... a bit of an enigma.... folks don't quite know what to "do" with me now I guess... and the day after I usually land up feeling as though a huge piece of me is missing. I am not your A typical submissive... I don't kneel just cause you tacked on "Mistress" or "Master" or "Sir" to your name. nope .. sorry can't do that. In fact last weekend when I went to the closing party at one of our dungeons here in the Great White North.. I wore a tshirt that said "Bossy Bottom"........ best to put it out there and give everyone some warning !!

I have set about trying to mend some fences with Warren (don't all choke and faint away on me.. don't come screaming after me.. just don't !) I like to think we have reached the "lets be friends" stage........ but truthfully I feel a little foolish... I feel as though - maybe - perhaps - stupidly - I may have "thrown myself" at him... been a little overzealous ?? Anyway... I had my comeuppance and am now behaving myself..... being friends is good.

I have placed ads for a Top/for a Dominant........ and have had my share of responses... most involve kinky sex....... which would be nice - don't get me wrong.. but I have higher aspirations than that. I have been told I am way too serious !!??? I have been told I am not serious enough??!! I have been told I am too old (don't they read profiles??) and I have been told I am too scary - being a masochist and all.. (like I said - don't they read profiles??!!) AND don't 'they' get that I am much more than all those pieces ??? !!

I have re-discovered I love my own company..... I am content cooking when I want to eat... cleaning when I want to clean.. working till I am ready to come home... I am content running my life....... and dealing with my worries ......... but sometimes it does get a wee bit lonely.

Tonite I am going to a BDSM birthday party. I am supposed to wear something pink.. I don't have anything pink...... and have been obsessing over that fact for a few days .... this morning I decided to paint my nails pink.. that will have to do. I have been trying to organize a hook-up between myself and a Top/friend from out of town to go to this birthday party. Last night I frustrated the hell out of her in an email - trying to write down plans - and falling over myself and stressing in the process. I finally landed up writing... "I am sub.. I do NOT do plans!!" Can't you just decide??? "

So I guess I really am still very submissive. I really don't want control of things... I really don't!!

BUT I have also noticed that I no longer do my "jonesing" thing........ in fact I hardly think about pain anymore. And I rarely get horny anymore.......... because of the pain thingy...... Pain really was my foreplay. BUT even with Warren - in the last few months / years - pain wasn't foreplay then either...... sex rarely followed pain....... maybe my body has completely forgotten the patterns. And quite truthfully pain without some sort of "release" - sadly - is just pain.

So .. taking another look at the picture I put up this morning... I guess I am all wrapped up ready for the taking........ only no one is taking.

And I am left asking "What now?"