Dark

As the end of May has drawn closer and closer I find my thoughts are more and more on the end of the withdrawal period.  Over 9 months my lil white pills have been getting smaller and smaller....... until this month when it is but a few small grains of white powder in pill form so small they get lost under my nails.  Every night for the past 9 months I have swallowed the pills and hung on to the thought that it would be soon be over -- and OH I wanted it over!!!

But now when I see only 2 small bits of white pill left in the bottom of the orange bottle - only 2 more nights - does the reality of it sink in........ and I am scared.  

What will happen ?  Am I strong enough to be done with them?   Will my body and mind crawl through this last withdrawal period to come out the other side free from the drug - finally?

Can I do this?

More Weekend Fun

We were at the camp grounds pretty much by ourselves this weekend - in that the eldest daughter and son in law didn't come up....... It felt a little weird to be honest - even the dog kept looking through the deck to their site waiting for her 'cousins' to show up.

BUT being on our own forced us - so to speak - to amuse ourselves.

Remember the BIG bed I showed you all last week....... 

yeah that bed....... 

Well Saturday afternoon I announced I was going in for nap..... I only went as far as the living area and curled up on the sofa...... Sir Steve came in and said "let's go for a nap in the bedroom"  I don't know where my brain was at cause I just kinda thought 'damn I was comfy here' and grudgingly got up and went into our bedroom and curled up on my side of the bed with my comfy blanket....completely forgetting that the joke is 'nap' is code for sex.......

He stood at the bottom of the bed grinning at me with that evil grin he gets... he reached over and picked up the knife from the side of the bed...... I got bratty and when he moved to stand beside me I rolled over to his side of the bed.......... 

He wasn't having any of that and before you knew it I was lying naked on the bed -- exposed feeling the knife work it's magic ....... especially along my pussy ...... see how the knife has a divided blade -- trust me when I say it fits ever so nicely along the lips...

 and into my jewelry....... 

After a nice play time and even better sex..... I did indeed have my nap....... 

Life is good when nap time is a thing!

Exhausted

Well I survived the dance recital -- so did "Daddy" btw....... barely.  BUT OMG I am exhausted today!!

The lil one really wanted curls in her pony tail -- but she has this bone straight - baby fine hair!  I tried...... 10 am Sunday morning she was sitting on the toilet in the bathroom of the trailer while I used the curling iron...... then I fixed each curl with a clip and sprayed the hell out of it with hair spray...... and we left it in for almost 2 hours.

Then I put on her 'stage' makeup..... dear god I was so worried she'd look like (as her father put it) a 70's porn star with the required blue eye shadow and red lips........ I didn't sleep well Saturday night worrying about it and even looked up a video on YouTube on applying make up on a 6 year old ......... everyone seemed to think I worked a miracle and she looked 'fantastic' ...... the lil one looked in the mirror when I was done painting her face and said "WOW I didn't recognise myself!"  (I think that was a good thing!)

We sat through 4 hours of dancing and awards ......... and when all was said and done it was huge success.  The lil one danced with all the confidence in the world... right on beat -- not missing a step..... we were both so proud of her!!  AND she can't wait to go back to dance class next year !!  She won a participation medal and a trophy for perfect attendance (grinning and rolling eyes).  She didn't care she felt like a STAR!

Life is good when love dances... 

 

Sunday Sentiments

Here I am.....

I decided - seeing as it is a short weekend for us - to come up to the campsite early today and take advantage of the sunshine.  (it's supposed to rain tomorrow - le sigh)

Course if it rains tomorrow...... maybe we can take advantage (again) of the BIG bed..... (king size and needs a stool to climb up into)

lots of play room !!!


Oh and while I am showing off our home away from home........ here's some tapestries that Sir Steve ordered for the living area. 

It really doesn't feel like "just a trailer" from the inside!!  and probably explains why I keep referring to it as the 'cottage'.

Everyone enjoy your weekend.......... 

Re-do

30 some odd years ago I was smack in the middle of piano recitals - dance recitals and year end school activities.  I survived those hectic days.

And now -- because that time was so much fun and no stress at all -- I am re-doing it.  
After a year of dance classes the lil one's recital is this weekend.  We have to have the lil one to the theatre (yeah you read that right -- THEATRE!) for 12 noon on Sunday.  Anyone ever heard of lunch???  So this morning I am baking oatmeal muffins that she can eat on the run with a hunk of cheese.  

This afternoon we are gonna have a 'dress rehearsal' for her hair.  Her group are turning into smurfs and dancing to the music from the smurf movie..... (who knew there was a smurf movie -- not me!)  All the children are supposed to have their hair in pony tails on top of their heads........ I got the bright idea of seeing if we can't add some curls to this pony tail.......... curls that might last longer than an hour!  The lil one is thrilled.......... so let's drag out the hair spray, the curling iron and see what we can do!  IF it works then Sunday morning I will curl the pony tail -- put clips in to hold the curls in place till we get to the theatre.

Ok -- truth of the matter I am into this dance recital...... and transforming the lil one into a smurf..... and giving up my Sunday at the campsite to go to the show........ 

Life is good when you get a 're-do'.

Networking.......

I've been in the BDSM community for almost 30 years now.  Back in the day there were many 'munches' (meals with like minded folk) and play parties and some workshops and a lot of networking.  I loved that time -- there were a lot of discussions and learning and it just felt right ya know.... being with others of the same mind set and not having to watch what you said.

Back in those days we didn't worry (or I didn't) about meeting new people.... had many cups of coffee and met many new people.  There also were a large number of blogs back in the day -- submissive blogs.  I would read avidly and sometimes drop a comment or two....... that lead to long distant friendships which were just as much fun and intriguing as the people I met face to face. 

One such long distant friendship via blogs was selkie.  Honestly she always sounded much more worldly and knowledgeable than I was........ so imagine my surprise when she dropped me a line and said she would be down visiting her mom in the city I lived in and would I be interested in meeting up for a coffee?!!!  I was delighted.  What I remember the most about that meeting was being green with envy over her long thick red hair. 

 There are lapses in my memory ....... blame it on old age........ but I remember when she told me the BDSM in her marriage was no more.  I was gob smacked -- her relationship sounded like a fairy tale to me....... I was sure it would go on forever...... so yeah I was shocked.  (not her marriage -- just the BDSM part)

Her blog stopped but she added me on FB so I still could 'stay in touch' on the vanilla side.   

Time passed -- occasionally she would leave (still does) a comment on The Journey but for the most part FB was our only contact.

Now all of this history has a point.......... 

A week ago I got a private message on FB from selkie -- she wondered if I would give her my new address here in my new city.  Of course I would!!!  She then told me she had been at an auction sale and had picked up some nice chopsticks and a fan and thought she might mail them down to me....... she knows how much Sir Steve and I love the Japanese/Chinese culture. 

Honestly there are no words to describe how touched I was.  
  
 "Of all possessions a friend is the most precious"  - Herodotus

Let's Talk about Sex

I was sitting on the deck reading on Sunday after lunch.  Sir Steve was sitting with me.  "35 minutes" was all he said.  I glanced at my watch..... 35 minutes would make it 3:00 pm.  Time noted I went back to reading......... 

At 2:55 I decided to smoke a cigarette...... Sir Steve came up on the deck... I said "I'll just finish this off and ............. " the look on his face told me the timing wasn't open for debate.. I put my cigarette out and went into the trailer....... 

It had been 3 weeks......... and I was shocked how fast my body responded to his touch.... hell even his body was more than ready.......... let's just say we had fast glorious sex........ hot messy sex....... amazing orgasms and it was over.  Phew.... let me catch my breath!!  We snuggled up and had a lovely nap.

After 10 pm we were once again snuggling into bed after a great campfire with eldest daughter and son in law.  It was cold (hell it's been bloody cold every weekend) .. thank god for heating in the trailer!  Sir Steve looked at me and asked if I was tired... nope not tired - the afternoon nap had done the trick.  

Then his hands were exploring my body.... hair tugged... hand around throat.... nipples bitten and pinched ..... and then my favourite - some clit torture... spanking tugging on my jewellery... making me weak with need and desire.  Sir Steve was bound and determined to give me multiple orgasms..... he wanted to leave my body drained and weak and satisfied.  

At one point I said something about teasing me .... and he got this evil look on his face and said 'But you like to be teased don't you?!' and I thought 'oh god he read my blog' and I mumbled 'yeahhhhhh sort of......' and he grinned

Then he was on top - pounding my cervix -- making me whimper and moan .... wanting more .... He gets this intense look on his face when he's torturing me inside and out and it's HOT ... so very hot!!  makes me moan louder and want more..... 

He pulled out and flipped me on my side and thrust back into me - holding me almost bent in half.... and continued pounding into me....... I came again and again till I thought I couldn't take anymore.... but he didn't stop.  He slowed down... almost stopped ... his cock vibrating inside me .... he started rubbing my back ... finding the spots that make me wiggle and moan ........ and then started pounding into me again... I had that moment - the one I described before - where I feel I am just being used... and god I find that SO hot!  and my body responded again..... and I thought 'I am gonna cum again - please please cum with me' ...... and he did.... and I did.......... and it was better than best.... he was deep inside of me vibrating and my muscles were holding him tight.............. (sighing)

Life is good when the sex is better (cheeky grin)
 

Teasing

It's been an interesting week and boring at the same time.

The boring part has been chores and shopping and routine.......... nothing interesting there 

The interesting part has been Sir Steve's teasing me..... sexually teasing me.  It started with some groping... quick grabs of my ass ...... on the sly cause the lil one was around..... quick peeks at his cock cause the lil one was around.......... 
and then this morning........... as he leaned in to kiss me goodbye - his hand slid up my thigh till it reached my clit ..... and he rubbed ever so gently but firmly.. leaving no doubt what he was doing....... my knees went weak and in the blink of an eye my body was like putty -- his to do what he wanted....... what he wanted was just to say goodbye and leave for work..... besides the lil one was sitting at the kitchen table watching us (from the back!) while she ate her breakfast. 

A bit later I realized I had excited butterflies in my tummy -- fluttering around.  My mind went to the weekend - 3 whole days at the campsite -- alone -- with the big bed... wondering if I was getting worked up for nothing........ 

ahhhhh well anticipation ............ only time will tell.

Working Weekend

We had a busy busy weekend -- getting the finishing touches done on the trailer... like deck boards replaced... internet installed... wood pile moved ... you know just busy tasks that needed to be done.

Each night by bedtime we were both pooped so the knife I was told to pack

sat on the dresser and never tasted my skin.  Am I a wee disappointed - oh yeah!!  I keep telling myself I have to be adult about this... and not sulk tooooo much.  But it's not easy ya know?  We haven't even 'christened' the new BIG bed.

I did get the lil one's bedroom all sorted and decorated......... and she saw it on Sunday and loved it !!!

Fairy lights around the bed that are on a timer -- so they'll come on around 7 and go off around 11 - no need for a night light this year. 

She has a 'craft area' across from her bed... and I hung clothes pins on the wall for her to display her works of art.  She'll have her books and toys and art supplies and her DVD player for rainy days.

On a brighter note I had a great Mother's Day -- youngest daughter gave me a lovely silver bracelet and small wee jewellery box for the trailer...... 

Eldest daughter gave me a lovely red purse.

AND the lil one came over on Sunday morning -- marched up the steps to the deck -- walked over to me and gave me a HUGE hug and said "Happy Mother's Day S"  she made me cry.  I guess it's official now I am 'step 
mom' !

Mother's Day

Another way of looking at this day..........

 

Packing.......

I just finished packing our overnight bag for the campsite.  On top of Sir Steve's clothes to be packed was this................. 

Maybe there'll be some kink this weekend?? 

Missing Link.....

OR -- missing kink... 

One of the really weird things about this withdrawal process is my need for kink... my need to feel grounded in something other than the withdrawals.... 

I can't really explain it -- except to say -- AGAIN -- that when Sir Steve and I indulge in kinky play - and kinky sex - I feel bonded to him.. .closer than close to him.  I feel grounded and solid....... 

AND I get - totally get -- that life has once again intruded on 'our' time together... between my withdrawals and his work and the lil one - it's hard to get into the mind set of kink.  I don't feel like kink -- honestly I don't.  But then when I sit and think about how I am feeling and what is wrong and what would fix it I have to admit a little kink would do wonders.  It would require me to really go into submissive mode to accept kinky play..... but once I was there ... I know the endorphins would lift me high...... at least for a little bit.

There was one time - a while back - he had been beating my ass and then surprised me by climbing up on the bed -- pushing my legs roughly apart and f**king me hard and long.

And that dear friends is the stuff my daydreams are made of (small smile)
 

Same Shit - Different Year

A small back story -- 
our campground is 2 down from the lil one's mother's trailer.  For the last 2 summers we (more me than we) have had difficulty with the mother's family.  Each season we hope things will be better -- but pretty much every year we have to wade through the shit and temper tantrums and keep setting limits and boundaries before we can co-exist even a little bit.

On Saturday morning bright and early the lil one showed up at our trailer.  We had a nice visit and she toddled off back to mom's.
Sunday afternoon she walked right past us without even looking at us.  She went to visit my eldest daughter's site.  She told her that mommy had said she was not allowed to visit daddy and S. (here we go again -- DRAMA!)

Yesterday when the lil one got off the bus we had a 'little' talk..... it lasted almost an hour and continued again when daddy got home.  
Apparently mommy got angry and 'yelled' at her for coming over to see us on Saturday.... on Sunday mommy said she couldn't come visit us because..... 'they don't let you visit us in the summer'.  WTF??!!  I asked the lil one (cause I thought did I do that?!)  Did I ever say you couldn't go to mommy's.  She said..... no Mommy was lying.
I was gob smacked.  The lil one saw through her mother and saw it for what it was - an out and out lie.  This lil 6 year old is wise beyond her years.  She said to me ' daddy's trailer is MY trailer too!' 

I took a deep breath - said a little prayer I was gonna say the right thing -- and then plunged ahead.  I explained that I thought mommy was worried that the lil one would love us more -- want to be with us more -- I said mommy doesn't understand that love is unlimited ....... the more love you give the more you have to give.  I explained by saying that it was like I had given my 2 girls a glass of orange juice.  Then the lil one came into my life -- did I take the girls' orange juice and pour some into a glass for her ?? NO... I poured her her own glass of juice .......... I watched to see if she got it.... I could see her working it through..... and she slowly nodded.... she got it - I hoped.

In our talk with daddy the lil one said that mommy yells and gets mad and it scares her.... so daddy said he would talk to mommy -- they'd sit down and work things out the best they could.  The lil one nodded very seriously.  We explained that that was part of our job..... helping her find solutions to problems and sometimes having to step in to help.  She nodded again.

At bedtime the lil one threw her arms around my neck hugging me tightly -- she said to me 'you have the top half of my love - daddy has the next half of my love - I have lots of love to give!' I almost cried........... wise beyond her years !

Life is good when you start to see the results of your hard / determined work.

Working Weekend

Productive weekend for sure....... 

Sir Steve cleaned out the mouse nest from the bathroom and I got busy cleaning and scrubbing and bleaching the trailer (we had LOADS of mouse poop everywhere)
I was busy trying to organise everything... finding cupboard space for all our 'stuff' and mind racing to thoughts on decorating and putting our personal touch on the trailer.... 

Sir Steve was busy building a shed out the back to hold all the garden stuff -- all his tools -- the lil one's bike and bigger toys -- and all my craft supplies.  He also managed to get the fire pit moved (our new trailer is 11 feet longer so it kinda ate into our campfire space) 

It wasn't the best weekend weather wise -- so working was a little easier to do.... No campfire on Friday (drizzly miserable night) -- good campfire on Saturday night ..... but not a long one .. it was bloody cold!

In all that busy-ness there was no room or energy for sex or play ....... stress is NOT our friend trust me on that...... 

I had hoped to be able to share loads of pictures with you today.... but somehow I didn't get a pic of the finished shed (though I was sure I had taken one) ... and the shots I took inside the trailer were off -- just didn't do it justice....... BUT I think my favourite part of our new trailer are the patio doors.....makes it feel like a home/cottage ya know............

And the dog had a blast ... weather and busy-ness  doesn't interfere with her fun........ 
Sir Steve had cut down an off shoot from a tree that was in the way of the shed... he threw it to the side and of course the dog found it!  got all excited cause ya know a STICK!!  and spent a good number of hours trying to figure out how to lift it and get it up the stairs to the deck.... (Sir Steve did eventually cut it down to more manageable sizes for her)

Life is good when the worst of the camp opening is over -- and there's hope that sex and play and sunshine will return for next weekend.

 

Sunday Sentiments

Let the good times roll........

It's finally Friday.......

And finally time to open the trailer at the camp grounds.

Finally.

AND ....... I will be spending the next 3 days cleaning and scrubbing and organising.   God give me strength!

Pictures on Monday I promise.

I think I can I think I can...

9 months ago I started withdrawing the drugs from my system.  Originally the doctor said it would probably take a year.  I started at 2mg and am at .25mg this month.  On the last weekend in May I will no longer be taking any pills.  By the end of June I hope to be finished with the withdrawals.  All done in 10 months!

It has never been a question in my mind if I would do this.. if I would be able to do this... I just knew it had to be done.

This time it's tough... I think maybe the toughest -- but it probably just feels that way.  My mind is a muddle (like I couldn't remember the months from Sept to May -- and am having trouble with my spelling) .. I am suffering with charlie horses and cramps in my feet.... and nausea.  

The other night Sir Steve said he was proud of me.  It's not the first time he's said that to me over these last 9 months.... I usually feel a little confused when he tells me that... I don't honestly feel like I am doing anything terribly remarkable. 

BUT he's proud of me ...... and in the worst moments of these withdrawals I pull those words out and hold them close....... 

He's proud of me!

Fill In

not a particularly good day here today....... cut back the drugs again yesterday..... one more month and I should be done.............