Just not me

When I was growing up -- and my parents (well actually my father) were buying my clothes..... they were very conservative -- never included jeans -- and rarely a pair of pants.  All my skirts and dresses went to mid knee.... a conservative length.

When I was on my on own -- and shopping for clothes -- I always bought the outfits I knew my father would approve of -- even after he was dead.  I always had this weird feeling -- like I was playing dress up.  I didn't fully understand that feeling -- thought maybe everyone had the same feeling in one degree or another. 

I do have a man's oversized white shirt that I wear with leggings... I have an authentic oriental jacket ..... and when I wear those two outfits I feel comfortable in my own skin.  BUT most of the clothes I own make me squirmy -- and out of sorts -- and usually I hate how I look.  

I talked to Sir Steve about my wardrobe.  I asked him to answer me honestly!! IF I decided to add one or two more eccentric style outfits how would he feel....... 
his answer......... 'will they make you feel good about yourself?'  

I started researching clothing -- and actually found a designer on line who makes clothes that look (on line) gorgeous! they touch something deep inside me........ I took a deep breath and ordered a couple of items...... a navy blue spring coat nothing spectacular ... BUT I could see it with leggings and hiking boots and wild scarves around the neck...... I ordered it..... and when it came I immediately feel in love and got the stamp of approval from Sir Steve.

I ordered another spring dress that looks a bit like a Picasso painting -- it came and I love it!!  I am now looking for accent leggings to wear with it............  

 I now have a huge list on my 'wish list' of clothing that feels more me and I want steampunk jewellery and nail decals and lots of bright coloured leggings ....... I really do want to live my life using all the crayons in the box !!!

Sunday Sentiments

Working on Me

Just because.........

I don't really have a post today -- other than we got good news on Sir Steve's test results..... the lil one now has pink eye...... and my thumb isn't as swollen but still doesn't support any weight.  (I didn't know how much I need my left thumb until I don't really have it -- le sigh)

Soooooooooo

There's a meme going around blog land and I thought for fun I would give it a go....

 Had one of your kids unknowingly pick up or use one of your implements? 
nope - unless you count ........ when I was moving and youngest daughter was pregnant and wanted to help.... so I told her to empty the bags of clothes in the bedroom..... completely forgetting that I had hidden my sex toys in one of the bags... I will never forget the moment she came down the stairs waving a dildo around and announcing I needed a lock box so that my soon to arrive grandson didn't find them and think they were microphones ........ (I nearly died of embarrassment as there were a half dozen friends helping me move who got to witness her display) 

Hidden an implement?
I am assuming you mean from my partner........ I have done it but only in good fun... I've also threatened to 're-gift' some toys to deserving friends...... but I love all the toys too much to hide any of them seriously. 

Had an uninvited audience for a spanking? 
uninvited?  no can't really say 'uninvited' ...... but there was a time we were playing at a public dungeon...... I was on the St. Andrew's cross enjoying myself -- when I opened my eyes to see this (ewwww) guy hiding in the corner very close to me ...
masturbating....... 

Had an implement break while being in use?
oh yeah more than once.  The worst breakage was a cane that splintered across my ass and left some pretty gruesome marks (mainly because the 'spanker' hadn't noticed it splintering and had kept using it ) 

Stood up or walked out from a spanking?
only once -- but it was because I felt that the spanking was being done in anger and the whole scene felt out of control........

Purchased an implement yourself...for yourself?
definitely.......  because I am a firm believer in not sharing my toys...... so I had my own toy bag and the implements could not ever .. EVER... be used on someone else.

Had a session where all the implements were used?
Nope - because I had way too many 

Had to explain "weird noises" coming from your bedroom?
Nope never -- I think if anything had been heard -- the folks hearing the noise didn't really want to 'know' ...


 Been spanked outside of the comfort of your four walls?
oh yeah - almost more than I have been spanked inside my 4 walls -- mainly because I was very active in the BDSM scene and we played publicly ...... and now of course we go to the campgrounds for the summer and I am NOT going all summer without some form of play (small stamp of foot ) 
 
Spanked your significant other?
nope never -- and now Sir Steve is a Sadist and I am a masochist -- so it's never gonna happen. 

Been spanked in a hotel room/resort?
yup once or twice.  

Been spanked with your own belt?
not my belt no....... but Sir Steve's belt yes (see me grinning?!)  and I wrote about it in more detail HERE 


 That was fun  -- if you haven't done it already -- feel free to use it..... thanks to Hermione - that's where I picked it up :)

Coming to terms...

For the longest time I have been waiting -- holding my breath and waiting -- for life to return to normal.

Normal - in my mind - was at the beginning of our relationship -- lots of private time -- no 'real life' problems -- a fantasy.  Then -- somewhere around declaring our love for each other -- things started to get complicated.  and I kept waiting for life to return to 'normal'.

I've done this before ..... many times .... when my husband started working shift work I kept saying 'when things return to normal'.... after I had my first baby I kept saying 'when things return to normal'.... and slowly the realization would hit that THIS was my new normal and I had to adjust.  I don't 'adjust' easily...... trust me not easily at all.

After this weekend it was really hard to return to 'normal' life around here... I dragged my heels -- I moaned and whined (in my head).  And this week's normal looks like test results with Sir Steve this afternoon -- the lil one's snuffy nose -- twisting my thumb yesterday and today coping with a slightly swollen VERY sore thumb that doesn't want to bend properly......... 

It would be so nice if 'normal' could look like a life with no bumps in the road... no detours.... just sunshine and lollipops ya know.......... but nah life isn't that way .. time to adjust to this new normal........

More Lovin.......

Everything I wrote about yesterday 'lovin' was foreplay for the physical loving that went on this past weekend........... 

It was like when we first met...... long long sessions of love making..... rough and strong ...... cervix hurting..... feeling stretched and sore ..... and ohhhhhhh so good!

And on Sunday it was late and spontaneous -- and I whispered 'wanna have a quickie?' ......... and he responded by telling me to get on my side and he entered me quick and hard and pounded into me -- taking what he needed from me ...... 

AND that was the best!!  knowing my pleasure wasn't necessary this time -- this time it was all for him........and that made me cum faster and harder.......... because the service side of this sub needs to please -- needs to serve..... more than making meals, washing clothes, cleaning house...... my body needs /craves to serve him.

Life is very good when you have a long lazy weekend with lots of lovin.......

Lovin'

So far it's been a lovin' sort of weekend........ 

We feasted on the homemade breads -- and I made pancakes and sausages for breakfast .... we went to a kid's birthday party without the lil one .... we ran to the shops .... and we went out for dinner to a wonderful lil hole in the wall Chinese restaurant that was amazing!!....and completed a DIY project in the kitchen to give me a little more space (and tidy it up)

I had this brain wave a while ago -- to put shelves in the broom closet (which I don't use) and add 4 shelves to the pantry ....... YAY!!  Sir Steve knocked it out in an hour or so....... the pantry got a good cleaning and sorting....... and the kitchen looks so much tidier!! 

and there was the other lovin' too - lots of it -- but I think I'll save that for another post...... 

Old Fashioned Day

I was going to bake today -- cookies to be precise.  But after I put the lil one on the bus (and off to her mother's for a 3 day weekend) I decided I wanted to bake bread.  

The smell of bread rising brought back so many memories .. mostly of my grandmother's kitchen.  I don't think she ever bought store-bought bread..... it seemed there was always bread rising in her kitchen.

I made a loaf of cinnamon bread to toast over the weekend -- it's sooooooo good.  Usually I only make it at Christmas -- why I don't know........ we're gonna gorge ourselves on it all weekend (LOL if it lasts 2 breakfasts I'll be surprised)

And then I decided to make dinner rolls........ I think we'll have pork chops with a big salad for dinner tonite and nice freshly made dinner rolls.......

 (they're going through the second rising in this picture -- if I remember -- I'll take a picture of them before we devour them)


OH yeah and I am gonna open a bottle of wine........ I think we deserve a glass of wine tonite -- and tomorrow night....... (grinning)

Devastated

and I don't have any balls.

It's been a really rough week for me - emotionally.  Sir Steve met with the lil one's mother on Monday.  It's the first time they have actually met face to face to discuss the lil one for a couple of years.  

And it was an eye opener.

When Sir Steve was telling me about the meeting..... my mind just whirled.......... the lil one has been lying to both mom and dad....... manipulating all of us.  and because no one was talking to the other one ...... she has gotten away with it for a couple of years at least.

AND she doesn't seem the least bit phased by the whole situation.... I have removed some privileges (like using my computer) and she just shrugged her shoulders and went off to play in her room.  

Believe you me -- over these last few days I have questioned how... why... I thought I could be a 'step mom'.  I feel like I have failed.  I thought I had reached her -- made an impression ya know? ........ turns out she was playing me -- I haven't touched her at all....... 

And now I feel -- I'm not sure what I feel -- hurt ... angry..... sad...... a failure. And I have no idea where I go from here............. 

 
 I hope so.....
  

It's Canada after all

School was cancelled yesterday because of a forecasted snow storm.  As it turns out no snow arrived till long after schools closed for the day.

However -- the snow did arrive........... blowing and blustering........ all night.

No school today either....... sigh..... I am refraining from saying "in my day........."

When I opened the front door there was no sidewalk...... just a lovely blanket of clean white snow.......... the back door was an even bigger joke......... and the cars ??!!!  snow up to Sir Steve's knees and higher in the drifts.  (and he's tall!)

Fortunately there's this little snow removal company...... I sent out an SOS around 7:45 this morning to please please -- when he had time -- come clear out the back parking...he arrived at 8:05!!  and by 8:15 he had cleared the whole thing........ YAY!!!

This is the front walk way -- Sir Steve shovelled it out -- plus space for the dog..... she gets quite prissy about snow up her ......... ummmm....  well you know what I mean (cheeky grin)

And this is the back ......... can you believe how high the snow is piled?? 

Ahhh well -- it's all done for now....... and who knows ...... maybe this was the last storm? maybe spring is right around the corner............

Sorry

It came to my attention over the weekend -- that I have made some visitors uncomfortable.

I had a visitors map on my blog.  I was curious.  I wanted to see where folks came from........ not their street or address -- really just what country they came from.  I naively put the visitors map on my page ages and ages ago to satisfy that curiosity.  There  was no ulterior motive ..... honest...... though why you would believe me .. shrug.. you don't even know me!  And there are a mess of dishonest people out there on the net.

I removed the visitors map as soon as I learned that it made folks uncomfortable. 

AND 

I  have added a 'contact me' form to make it easy for you to contact me.  It doesn't give me any information other than your email.........  (if you are playing on line -- on blogger -- you might want to use a secondary email address and a nickname that doesn't have anything to do with your real name....... makes it a bit more difficult for anyone to discern who you actually are.  just saying)

I AM sorry that my visitors map made anyone nervous/suspicious.

Sore bum = Happy sub

It's almost a ritual -- watching Sir Steve pull out the 'toy' bag and carefully select the implements he wants to use....... on Saturday he pulled out the quirt, the braided rope, the big flogger, the leather paddle.  

He came to me in the living room and pointed to the bedroom......... I got up and went to him wanting a kiss ... wanting the reassurance that everything was as it should be... he gave me a 'cheap kiss' and I made the 'mistake' of saying so..... 'that was a cheap kiss hopefully the spankings won't be cheap' (I do look for trouble sometimes!)  He smirked at me 'cheap eh? we'll see what you think AFTER'....... and he unbuckled his belt and pulled it through the loops.  My knees went weak -- his belt?? he's never used his belt... (in fact I don't think anyone has ever used a belt)

He cycled through all the toys at least twice -- including the belt.  can I say OUCH!  holy sh*t it has to be a 15 out of 10 ......  the worst of all the toys.  It is my new 'love to hate' toy trust me!  It wasn't long into the spanking that I realized this wasn't going to be a 'sexy let's play and have fun' spanking -- it was hard -- white knuckle hard.  Reminiscent of the style of play we did 10 years ago out at the clubs.  No sensual teasing ... just strictly pain..... loads of it.

BUT

it is the extreme pain that this masochist was looking for / needing -- it blends together to create this wonderful cocktail of happy chemicals -- endorphins and dopamine mostly -- I am a junky and crave these highs........... 

The aftermath looked something like this......................

My ass was still pink and tight and sore on Sunday........... and it still twinges today when I sit...... or when Sir Steve playfully pokes it or slaps it......... best feeling ever! 

Life is good when I get the cocktail of happy chemicals............
 

Sunday Sentiments

Weekend Fun

 
We have such fun plans for today............. It's Winter Fest at the campground.... hot dogs, hot chocolate, and skating on the lake (if you happen to like skating)

It is -8C  (17F ) with strong winds)

The wind chill is  -16C (3F)

We are Canadians so we are going 

(personally I think we are nuts)

How can anyone have fun when they have to dress in layers for this much cold?? 

Do ya think some voodoo might work?

 

Finding the lost me

I've always kinda prided myself on being submissive by nature...... and when I allow  my nature to shine through life is less stressful.... less inside out/upside down.  

I think there have been some bumps in our relationship road.  Since I started this withdrawal process Sir Steve has been gentle -- has been attentive -- has held back.  He is worried about me - he doesn't want to add any pressure.......... and his 'laissez faire' attitude has created this huge amount of insecurity in me..... I feel so out of sorts -- adrift -- floundering around.  I need him ya know?!  I need my ass spanked.  I need to feel his hand around my neck.  I need to feel him hold me against the wall and kiss me hard -- his hands fondling my body.  I need to know I am HIS... 

Yesterday I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself -- as much as I can....... and get back to doing my 'chores/tasks' ....... soooooooo I started a HUGE pot of spaghetti meat sauce....... I made butterscotch squares .... I made 4 dozen chocolate chip cookies.  (and I cleaned up the kitchen after all that cooking/baking -- cause it did look a bit like a hurricane blew through).  Today I am polishing all the wood floors making them sparkle and shine.  And before Sir Steve comes home from work -- I wanna be showered and sparkling and shining myself.

Maybe if he sees the old me peeking out..... maybe he will realize I won't break -- I may bend..... but damn I need to bend.......I need to be anchored and grounded and feeling needed........... 

I need to be my submissive self

On Being an Adult......

Yesterday was tough.  I didn't cancel the doctor's appointment cause I felt really guilty about cancelling the one on Monday -- and I really wanted to touch base with him -- and because I am an ADULT ya know and am supposed to be able to do adult things ...... right?

I didn't sleep Tuesday night worrying about getting to the doctor's....worrying about the weather.  I spent the morning checking the satellite weather  trying to judge when the storm would arrive.  I read all the doomsday posts on Facebook from friends who live west of me talking about how bad it was.

I left really early for the appointment -- cause in my warped thinking -- at least I would get there in decent weather.......... 

I had to drive home in the worst freezing rain I have ever seen........ AND all I could think was 'I just want someone to take care of me -- to drive me when I am too stressed to drive .... to take all the adult responsibilities from me and handle them -- I do NOT want to be the adult anymore!!!' 

Irrational I know -- but don't you ever have times in your life where you just don't want to be an adult -- where you want someone to take care of  you - to just bury your head in the sand and not have to worry about anything anymore??!!!

On the bright side the doctor tells me all this emotional shit is a big part of the withdrawals --  I am not losing my mind -- what little of it that is left.  I am not to reduce the dosage again till March - and he's hoping the spring weather might make it a little easier.  He also suggested I be a little more gentle with myself... and when I feel upside down and inside out -- to take care of myself.......

So last night when I felt Sir Steve wasn't listening -- or didn't want to touch me -- I took a deep breath and muttered 'just f**king withdrawals' ..... when the lil one got cheeky with me and said "your welcome!!!" after she set the table for dinner -- I didn't explode ... or implode.... or burst into tears -- I took a deep breath and muttered 'just f**king withdrawals' and let her father handle it -- and he did !!!

Depending on which google search you get -- we have either 22 days till spring or 41 days till spring............ until then -- you can find me curled up in the corner of the sofa pretending no one can see me......... 

 

Take 2

Soooooooo Monday I cancelled my doctor's appointment because we had freezing rain..... the only thing is .... the freezing rain stopped and didn't start again.... I could have made the appointment.  BUT I rescheduled.... checking the weather as I did it... Wednesday was forecasted to be the best day of the week........ so they booked me in late in the afternoon ..... 

(editorial note here -- the doctor's office is 45 minutes away - involves highway driving and country roads)

Last night they changed the forecast for today --- snow and ice pellets.  I figured I could handle that ........ this morning they are forecasting snow and ice pellets changing to........ wait for it............ 
freezing rain! 

I am not cancelling again........ I can do this !!  hell I am from Quebec I should be used to bad roads right??? le sigh

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

answering a few comments that have been left on The Continued Journey.....

A few people have suggested we move........ because of the issues that surround this apartment.  The only thing is... the pros to staying .... out weigh the cons of moving.  AND come spring they will start work on the foundation to our home........ and put in a new deck and new everything...... it will be the cutest lil home you've ever seen - once it's done.   So we are hanging on..........  water and contractor mess ups aside....... I honestly believe in the end it will all be worth it........... 

For now ....... I will prepare myself for the drive to the doctor's....... I will dump my emotions in his office........... and hopefully come home stronger to fight the fight of withdrawals........ (oh that reminds me of another comment I had...... about how long the effects are lasting........ I have not stopped the pills yet.  I am cutting back slowly to avoid serious health problems..... so every month the withdrawal symptoms continue....... and it would seem they are becoming increasingly difficult to work through..... 

Trying

 Last night Sir Steve really stepped up to the plate to ease my stress.  He is taking time off work tomorrow so I don't have to stress over meeting the lil one at the bus.... AND he helped me empty the living room for the contractors........


This morning I left the contractors painting ('cause they decided the ripples in the ceiling weren't that bad and one can't expect perfection -- le sigh) and went to the gym.  I haven't been in 2 weeks because of weather and appointments and contractors.  It actually felt good (when I got there -- getting my butt in gear to go is another story) and I came home feeling more relaxed.  

That is until I got home........  

The landlord was parked in my parking spot....... and there was no room on the street cause of all the contractors' trucks. I walked in the house and they had finished painting YAY!!!  (at least from the kitchen it looked like they had finished -- the furniture was all put back)

BUT 

when I walked in the living room -- the small strip of wall that needed to be painted cafe au lait was painted dark grey............ WTF?!!!  I should have known there was a reason the landlord was here.  On top of that -- the sump pump that was installed by some 3rd rate plumbers in the fall had overflowed and the back half of the basement has been turned into a swimming pool again. 

Welcome stress my old friend -- I've come to talk to you again.......... (singing)

I Hurt

This morning I woke with a stiff neck and stiff muscles in my upper arms and shoulders.  I have had a small headache for days now.  I have passed grumpy and gone straight to BITCH. I feel like I can't breath..... I feel like everything is on my shoulders.... 

I feel like I haven't had any time to myself in ages........ between contractors being in the house day after day -- to the responsibility of the lil one... to trying to get my new computer to work and having problems and feeling stupid......... cold dark winter days aren't helping....... Sir Steve being under the weather (between the bug he picked up and the pain in his wrists and knees) hasn't helped either -- we haven't had any play time or sex in ages....... (ok ok it's only been 2 weeks BUT it feels like forever -- especially when I need to feel grounded ... when I need to feel like something more than a nanny/housekeeper)

the pain in my neck and shoulders is getting worse

I was supposed to go see my doctor this morning over the withdrawal crap..... my bi-monthly appointment. But we woke to freezing rain and more forecasted.... I cancelled and his nurse didn't sound happy and I felt guilty........ she rescheduled me for Wednesday (I really NEED to see the doctor to talk ya know??!!)  but it's Wednesday at 2:45 the exact time I am supposed to meet the lil one's school bus......
 At first I stamped my foot and told myself 'she isn't my daughter .... f*ck it let her father figure it out' but then I felt guilty and thought I should ask the neighbour if she can watch her...... then I felt guilty cause it's not her daughter either..... 

the pain in my neck and shoulders is getting worse

The contractors were in -- and aren't happy with the patch work on the ceiling (it is pretty bad) so they are gonna cut out the work they have done and re-do it -- which means days and days of them being in and out....... creating a mess of dust and plaster -- AGAIN!) 

The pain in my neck and shoulders is getting worse....... 

I am so tired ....... can I hand in my resignation now?

Sunday Sentiments

The Week is over........

Wanna see what I got last night -- huh ??  huh?? do ya?? !!!!

Sir Steve came home from work with my favourite Tim Hortons french vanilla coffee -- an apple fritter -  AND....................... 

the crappy week is over ... the weekend is here... life just might be looking up again.........