In the very early morning

My eyes opened and I squinted at the clock - WTF!  4:45??!!

It's that time of the day when the world is still black - and quiet - mostly sleeping.

I tried to settle back down under the covers - tried to slip back into that safe warm place called sleep - with no success.

I got up and sat on the balcony with my first cup of coffee - watching the dark windows of my neighbours - soaking in the peacefulness ............. 

I wonder what the day holds for my neighbours - for myself

Self Image

  Last week I posted about losing weight and crediting my fitbit with this accomplishment.

Some of you offered to challenge me on the fitbit.  If you still  want to - email me (there is a link on the right)

And yes Ordalie I did notice my clothes were too big - but hearing if officially from the doctor still made me very happy - and feeling proud of myself.

Since then a couple of things happened re my struggle with my weight..........

One came up with  the therapist - when I was blaming myself for the break up - I honestly believed (back in January) that if I lost all the weight NOW - that W would find me sexy and  desirable again. I couldn't even look in a mirror - cause all I saw was a "fat ugly old woman".

Then when I was with the therapist actually - I got a call from the doctor's office.  My blood tests were back.  My blood sugar numbers (A1C I think they called it) were a bit high!  Suggestion - keep doing what your doing - diet and exercise and we'll see you in 3 months.

WOW!  IF I need more incentive to lose weight that was it!  IF I can do anything to stop the development of Type 2 diabetes I am gonna do it!

And then - on Saturday  youngest daughter took a selfie of the two of us at the ballet and posted it immediately to Facebook.  On Sunday I logged onto FB and had a shock!
Who was that woman?  I blurted out (without thinking) "Hey I look pretty good" and my daughter looked at me like I had a screw loose.  "Of course you look good Mom !!  Why wouldn't you?"  

Simple answer - cause I only saw a fat old ugly woman - till now.

So going to the gym seems easier these days - I am losing weight - fighting diabetes - and am not that woman that I have been thinking I was.....

Why oh why do we measure our self worth on what others think? or what WE see in the mirror?  Like I said the other day - I have some hard work to do.......

Kintsukuroi

 Yesterday lil monkey left me a comment that I really had to share with you all because it had such a positive impact on me. 
   
"Have you heard the term "Kintsukuroi"? Your comment about gathering all your broken pieces up made me think of this. I imagine you will become more beautiful for having been broken. That's my wish for you. Google the word for images. :) "
  
I had heard about Kintsukuroi but couldn't for the life of me remember what it meant.  So I did just what she suggested - I googled the images and immediately went "ah HA!  I DO remember that"  (in fact I do believe I blogged about it - once upon a time)

I have been feeling "broken" and undesirable because of the brokenness.  But after seeing the images - reading the explanation/definition of Kintsukuroi - my heart lifted.  

Thank you lil monkey for the comment!!! It has given me hope and a stronger desire to mend myself ............. 

And for those of you who are scratching your heads - and don't have time or inclination to google Kintsukuroi - here you go...............

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
NOTE to lil monkey - I have lost the access to your blog :(  could you email me (see the link on the left) with permission - again ???

The Work Begins

When I saw the doctor last week - I asked him for a referral to the therapist I saw when I first moved here and had some adjustment problems.  I told him I was not adjusting well to the end of my relationship with W.  He agreed and said it would take a month or so.

I was lucky for a couple of reasons....... the therapist remembered me and so when she had a cancellation yesterday she called me right away and asked if I wanted to come in after lunch.

I jumped at it.  Besides adjusting to living alone in an apartment - I also had just been told that my blood sugar levels are elevated and I am facing diabetes - that was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

She was very generous and let me go over the hour.  There seemed to be so many different things that were bothering me......... so many emotions just came tumbling out.  One of  the things that worry me - I have a tendancy to be agoraphobic (or someone who hates/fears going out).   I told her I don't want to leave the apartment - it feels safe here........ And she said it was ok!!!  She said I was suffering from a very common reaction - I forget what she officially called it - but something like stress fall out.  She said it was perfectly normal to cocoon when one is recuperating from very high stress levels.  To let my body tell me what it needed.  to listen .. to obey.  It would pass when my body had healed enough.  On my good days - go out see people be with people - but on the bad days - stay home safe inside my apartment .   It was nice to know I wasn't totally falling apart.

The one thing I blurted out at the end (of course at the end right?? ) I said "I am so angry at myself !!!  I blame myself !!!  god I am angry with myself.   I didn't realize how angry I am with myself for the ending of the relationship.  Of course I can't tell her everything behind the feelings of failure - can't share that I feel like I was a terrible sub - cause logically IF I had been a good submissive he wouldn't have dumped me by the road side (that's how it feels) ....... BUT I can substitute not good enough "partner" to keep him happy....... that worked.  She spent a few minutes going over why I stayed - asking me for MY reasons - then telling me from what she knew of me she could come up with 7 more reasons ........ and they were all valid and very true.  Things like I believe in commitment - I don't believe in giving up - that I am loyal and forgiving ............ and more.  Lots of things to think about - mull over - till I see her again in a month.

So I am starting to take all the broken pieces - looking at them - and piecing them back together ........... and being in control again.    

 

Special Weekend

This past weekend was my birthday.  The build up to it was a bit sad - I wondered what I would do to acknowledge this milestone in my life (and trust me this birthday was a milestone!)

My youngest daughter called me a week before and asked if I would like to go and see the ballet "Kaguyahime" at Place des Arts (in Montreal).  I was tickled and said yes what an exciting way to celebrate my birthday.  So I drove to Montreal on Saturday and spent the weekend.

Kaguyahime is not traditional ballet - in any way shape or form.  It is a traditional Japanese folk tale about the moon princess who comes to earth and is born out of the bamboo........ there are many suitors for this beautiful princeess - challenges for the suitors to complete - fighting and war for the princess's hand - an Emperor who tries to capture her - but it ends happily with Kaguyahime returning to the moon.

It was the most amazing ballet I think I have ever seen!!  It was (if you can picture this - very Zen like)  no sets to speak of - the stage and dancers were all black and white - it flowed from one scene to the next - it took my breath away.

There were no cameras allowed but I did find some pictures on line that give you just a little taste of the beauty of the show......................

 Opening scene Kaguyahime appearing in the moon above the bamboo fields.........

Kaguyahime slowly moving down to the bamboo.............. 

During the war - the Japanese drummers created the mood......... it was truly heart pounding.......

This is from the scene with the Emperor - created with miles of gold coloured fabric.... absolutely breath taking !!


When the show ended we headed home to bed...... Youngest had promised me brunch in the morning before my drive home.......... 

Sunday morning I was feeling very lazy and very spoiled - having my coffee served ... surrounded by my kids and grandkids...... breakfast cooking AND smelling so very good!!!

There was a knock at the door  and in walked my eldest daughter and her significant other.  They had driven down from Ottawa to celebrate my birthday.  Then my ex and his significant other showed up....... and the table was full !!  There was much laughter and chatter - and I could not stop thinking how loved I was - how special I felt!

What an amazing birthday I had!!!  What an amazing family I have !!!
 

The 7 Logics

I do rather like #6 -- "Stop thinking too much, It's alright not to know all the Answers"

 

Thoughts on Sex

I was thinking yesterday - as I do from time to time - how long it has been since I had sex - And I was running some scenarios through my head.......... mainly finding a "fuck buddy".

Now this is not a new thought for me - fuck buddy that is.

But I have read all the studies that say for most women "fuck buddy" is not as easy as it is for a male.  Woman - they claim - become emotionally invested in someone who has sex with them - well more emotionally bonded than men do.  

And I know myself - I fear I would become uncomfortably emotionally invested in someone who is only supposed to fuck me - not wine and dine me.

And then my mind wandered (as it frequently does) to the thought - WELL - if we women become emotionally attached/bonded/whatever to whomever we fuck - then why in god's name am I not more emotionally involved in myself??!!!  

Someone's theory is flawed............... 

Probably mine.

 

10,000 steps

I mentioned the other day that I went to see my doctor for my yearly check up and to bitch about how crappy I have been feeling.  
 
I didn't mention that there was a plus side......... when they weighed me I had - officially - lost 30 pounds!! which is a very good thing and has been a long process.

It started a long way back when Kaya from "under his hand" was talking about having to walk (under orders from her Master) 10,000 steps a day - the one post that stayed with me was how she was on the treadmill late at night trying to reach the goal. That little nugget of information just rattled around in my head ........ for months - maybe longer.

Then I saw my doctor and bitched that I couldn't lose weight - and he suggested walking - 10,000 steps a day.  

Do any of you have any idea how hard it is to do 10,000 steps a day??!!!  

All that to say I bought myself a fitbit late last winter - one of those fancy bracelets that monitor your footsteps - your heart rate - and your sleep.  I have the basic version - the fancy one does a whole lot more - but I just wanted steps and sleep.

I guess it was April or May before I really took the whole thing seriously.  Let me describe how difficult it is to get 10,000 steps.  I go to the gym every morning and spend one hour on the treadmill - going 3mph - panting and sweating.  That gives me approximately 6,000 steps.  ONLY 6,000 !!!  Apparently -- I have learned - it takes 2000 steps to walk one mile.  

BUT to compare - since I retired I don't walk nearly as much as I did when I was teaching -- duh!!  On average I was only walking 1800 steps a day - sitting around the house doing very little.  SO I needed the gym and incentive.

I have been pretty faithful to the gym and the treadmill since June I guess it was.  I would pull on my cute denim runners and off I would go.  I noticed somewhere around August that there were tiny splits on each side of each runner.  and thought then that I should buy a new pair.  BUT I hate shopping and the thought of investing in a good pair of walking shoes was too much for me.

Well - all of that to say --  about 3 weeks ago I noticed my legs were really hurting after 15 minutes on the treadmill - until the last day I could barely stand the pain in my shins after 20 minutes and had to give up and come home.

The doctor scolded me.  Apparently I really do need to invest in good walking shoes if I am gonna work out on the treadmill every day - and strive for my 10,000 steps.

I have spent the last 2 weeks not setting foot in the gym.  Just walking down the hallway to the laundry room made my legs ache.

Yesterday I had my blood tests  -- the ones to make sure there is nothing physically wrong with me.............. and I decided I would go find a decent sports store and see how much these new walking shoes were gonna cost me.  My incentive - the weight had started to creep up again - ok ok - it was only 2 ounces but I saw the writing on the wall.  And besides my birthday is coming - and I would buy myself an early birthday present. (it feels a lot like "socks and underwear" but the skinnier version of me is the BEST birthday present)

I went to two different sports/shoe stores.  And finally settled on a pair that weren't glow in the dark - look at me shoes!!  and didn't totally break the bank!!  who knew proper walking shoes cost that much??!!!

Today I am gonna head back to the gym - gonna walk my 3 miles - gonna start feeling better about me again....... HELL I lost 30 pounds just walking every day - it's  one small step in taking back my life  


 

BANG!

I was sitting outside on my balcony - having my morning coffee and a smoke.  It was quiet.  Miss Ashes was surveying her domain......... 

And then I heard a BANG!  

And right in front of me a tiny bird fell to the ground.  I realized it must have hit a window on one of the floors above me - hit it hard - BANG hard!

It sat on the ground looking stunned - Missy thought she should go and investigate (I held her back)

Then it just sorta slide down - till it's little head was resting on the ground and it's tail feathers were stuck up in the air.  It didn't move.

We came in.

I kept thinking "it's just like me - I keep banging my head against the wall - when am I gonna learn???"

Not a particularly good way to start my day........... 


 

Dirty Word

Yup "budget" seems to be a dirty word around here........ 

BUT let me explain - I have always been very good at budgeting my money ... in fact when I saw my financial advisor during the summer he said he wasn't sure why I had booked an appointment - I had done everything he would have told me to do to figure out if I could afford to "live" on my pension - on my own.

AND I have been working part time - doing junior web design.  Now there's my problem... I knew it was temporary - that the contract would come to an end around the end of October... but that was back in June...... and during the summer months - especially in August when I moved........ It was lovely to have extra cash flowing in every month. 

And that's where my budget fell apart.  

I had extra money every month to spend.  Oh I did put a portion of it away into a savings account - just in case money.  BUT I could still toodle around -- going to munches in far flung parts - using gas -- spending money on food that was not in my budget.... and I knew I was gonna have to tighten my belt eventually -- but having extra cash every month -- and a need to be out and about and seeing people -- I just ignored the calendar and the end of my contract drawing closer and closer.

Well yesterday I got my last project.  AND the reality of the end of my contract came home and slapped me upside the head.

This morning I did my budget once twice three times - trying to find extra cash somewhere - anywhere.  Now other than selling my body - I am faced with the reality there just isn't any extra cash any more.  

I think I am a little angry at myself - I had plans for that extra cash - mainly buying a new computer and I didn't do it.  I whittled the money away on god only knows what.  That's where I don't do well with budgeting -- sadly.  and I am angry with myself.  

So reality sets in ......... I have enough money to live on -  I do NOT have extra money to play with anymore.  There will be no more road trips to far flung munches.. there will be no more splurging on trinkets I want.. there will be no more grandiose ideas of fancy parties........ I can make my budget work.....

I think I am a little jealous / angry?? of those who haven't worked hard their whole lives -- haven't scrimped and saved for their senior /retirement years and still seem to have money galore to come and go as they please... to buy trinkets AND new cars - and anything they seem to desire.......... 

What the hell did I do wrong???? !!!

Ahhh well - I will work my budget again - cut more corners - and live in my lil apartment - and make it work -- cause that is what I do -- make stuff work.
 

Today has FINALLY arrived

Today is Election day here in Canada - FINALLY!

I am fed up with suffering through the attack ads (though I have to admit some of them amused me) .... and fed up with the promises (that we all KNOW they won't be able to / or be bothered to keep)

BUT most of all I am tired of folks getting all worked up over this election - pushing folks to go out and vote.  It seems to be the chatter every where I look - and facebook is probably the worst. 

I read an editorial that rocked the proverbial boat the other day.  I kept my tongue between my teeth because I am sure my approval of it would have shocked/angered/pissed off so many good folks.  Basically all it said was "you have the right to vote.............AND you have the right to NOT vote".  

We keep hearing about how we should vote because so many people in the world would love that right and don't have it.  Reminds me a lot of the mother saying "eat your dinner there are children starving in China"........  It is a shame some people don't have the right to vote - I agree.  BUT we do have the democratic right to vote - OR not to vote.

People get bent out of shape when folks share that they "spoiled their ballot" ... shrug.. I don't understand why you would waste the energy to go to a poll stand in line  and then spoil your ballot - but HEY!  it's your choice........ 

I admire the folks (especially the young ones) who are trying to understand where each party stands.....not an easy task!  but hey they are trying.... 

Being old enough to vote used to be a passage - a rite of adulthood.  I remember the first time I voted -- it felt like I had some how or other "made it".  Now after many years of election campaigns and elections I am a little more jaded.  I wonder if there is an honest politician........ I think they start off with the best of intentions ........ and then something happens to them between the polling station and the government buildings.

I never quite worked out what it is...... but the truth of the matter is - no matter what promises they make to get elected - the chances are they aren't gonna keep them.

But I will go out this morning and I will vote.  and no I won't spoil my ballot.  I will do it because it has been instilled in me that it is my right to vote - and in my humble opinion rights are more important than duty.

I won't watch the election returns tonite run on ad nauseum till the wee hours of the morning.. I honestly don't much care who wins.  Because as I said at the beginning - they all make wonderful promises and have such high ideals - until they reach the government buildings.

Tomorrow the sun will rise - and the days will run on - and the country will continue - maybe a bit bumpier than before - maybe less bumpy - but it will continue - and in four years we will do all this again........ 

Wash Rinse Repeat......... trust me when I say - after almost 12 elections I know the routine and the basic generic outcome 

Happy Election Day Canada!

Sunday Sentiments

5 Steps.........

So - over the last 3 - 4 weeks my health has gone down hill.  There were a number of things that scared me - like my limbs being cold all the time - not chilly - but freezing cold.  Thick wool socks on my feet with warm snuggly slippers - and they were still ice blocks.  My hands so cold I could hardly type.  

I wasn't hungry - ever!  I chart my food intake and noticed it had dropped from 1200 calories a day down to 800 - 900 a day.  My body had no energy and my legs would tremble from walking to the laundry room.

Exhaustion - god the exhaustion !!  I would sleep 7 hours a night and still need a nap in the afternoon......... and I mean NEED - my eyes would get so heavy I couldn't stay awake....

Nothing major per say - but worrisome.

So yesterday i went to the doctor's with a list of ailments.   They checked everything - especially the pulse and blood pressure into my legs.  It was fine btw.

The young resident was all smiles and sunshine and rainbows.... her suggestion "eat more - your body needs energy to function".  My doctor talked about the break up - which brought tears to my eyes immediately.  I blurted out I was angry - but why was I NOW angry - life was settled for me - supposed to be good for me ............ why was I angry NOW???

He quietly and calmly pointed out that all summer had been one stressful day after another - my trying to "fix things" find a solution -- then when the solution was found and it involved moving -- then my life became frantically busy finding an apartment -- finding movers - organizing the move - and getting it all done in less than 2 weeks.  

Then there was the "busy--ness" of settling in - organising - adjusting ....... learning a new way to live (have I mentioned I have never lived in an apartment??)  

And then ......................... 

Nothing.

My mind quieted down - my body stopped running from one thing to the next.  Quiet.

And that's when it was time for me to deal with this break up.  

And the deep tearing pain

And the disappointment

And the fear

And the anger.

I have come to the conclusion there are no 5 simple steps through grief - they criss cross and mingle and when you think you are done with one - days later you find yourself back there..... how bloody frustrating!!!

I told the doctor I don't want to talk to my friends/support group about it anymore - I think ( I fear) I have talked them all to death and they are bored now of my struggles.  When I tell my girls something their reaction is all emotional - mom hurts let's fix it ....... 

And so I find myself talking to myself in the early hours of the morning - or late in the evening - talking and crying and feeling very alone and lost and not much good for anything.

Yesterday with the doctor I was back at angry - and I AM angry about a whole lot of things........... so angry I want to do harm - I want to throw things and yell and do worse. 

I like my doctor - he is calm and rationale,  (thank god cause I need calm and rationale) He is sending me for blood tests to make sure there is no physical cause for my symptoms........ and he is going to find me a 3rd party to rant with / at.  Someone who has no stake in what I say.  Someone who won't be influenced one way or another by what I say.  Someone I can bare my heart to .. lay all the pieces out on the table - examine the broken bits - and help me piece them back together.  

Someone who will help me see I am much more than what I have come to believe I am - someone worthy of love - someone who isn't useless - someone who will one day be strong and independent again............ and not afraid of the things that go bump in the dark.

I don't expect it will happen over night....... I don't expect it will be easy.  

BUT

I do expect to find my way back!

Friday

Well I am off in a couple of hours to see my doctor and have my yearly check up and hopefully get to the bottom of what is wrong with me!!  IF indeed there is anything wrong with me that a good kick in the ass won't fix.............

Hangin in

I don't know when it happened - but I do believe I have become a hypochondriac. 

Three weeks ago I called to make my yearly appointment with the doctor for my "check up"  Three weeks ago I was fine - in fact so fine I had forgotten it was time for my yearly.  Since I made the appointment I have developed a list of ailments that I am sure I am dying from - from pains in my legs (especially when I go to the gym on the treadmill) - my body seems to get chilled easily - to the bone - I don't feel like eating -  I have pains in my stomach - I have pains in my joints - I get tired so easily ................. I don't want to go anywhere because what if I get worse??? What if... what if... what if... and logically I know that's all it is - a bunch of what if's............ 

When people ask how I'm doing - I say "fine" with a big smile - I LOVE living alone - I love my apartment - I love life - cause who wants to hang around with someone who is always complaining or feeling ill - or is miserable - Happy people attract friends - not sad/grumpy/complaining people.  But the truth of the matter is it is getting more and more difficult for me to get dressed and actually leave the apartment ..... I feel safe here behind the locked closed doors.  AND I know that is wrong - just so wrong on so many levels!!!

I don't know what the answer is - don't know what will pull me out of this funk I seem to have fallen into - but I do have to find a way out ... I want to wake every morning with a joy and excitement and joie de vivre that I seem to have lost.......... somewhere between packing everything up in Montreal - moving to Kingston - and then moving here to my lil apartment.  I've lost it and I need to find it !!!

 

Hauntings

I have been slipping under the weather for just over a week now........... by Friday I was so far under I couldn't see a way up.......... This morning though my head is clear - my belly doesn't hurt - and I even managed two cups of coffee  -- but I will say I AM glad I have a doctor's appointment on Friday -- cause I just feel something isn't quite right ....

But what I really want to get out of my head - shoo be gone!! - are 3 dreams I had on 3 consecutive nights........... I wouldn't exactly call them nightmares -- but they weren't sunshine and lollipops and rainbows either........ and though they are gone -- they are haunting me..............

The first one - 

I was standing beside a bed - and my ex-husband was lying on the bed with a towel discretely draped over his private parts.   I was turning to leave the room -- and heard myself say "I'll be back in a minute and then you can give me a blow job" ............. now as I am someone who NEVER asks for anything of a sexual nature - EVER!!  -  that was weird .............. I keep wondering what brought my ex into my dreams??? He hasn't ever - EVER - been in one of my infrequent dreams before............. 

Second night - second dream - the one that has upset me the most -

I was standing in a kitchen - and my mom was there - she was standing on a small stool reaching to put something into a top cupboard...... I felt something squishy under my feet and looked down........ There was this plastic bag with channels in it - and the channels were filling up with blood -- I looked and this strange bag seemed to be hooked up to my mother.  I said "are you losing weight" and my father appeared out of the corner of my eye and said in a whisper "yes".........  And then we were packing to go to the "cottage" yet my parents never had a cottage - and it was all wooden with steep stairs -- and I was reassuring myself it would be ok 'cause I would have my own room - and I looked up to see my mom walking in front of me with some sort of back pack on (my mother would have died before she ever wore a back pack in real life!!) And I realized that the this weird plastic bag of blood was folded neatly and stored in the back pack.

Third night -- final dream (I hope!!)

I am sitting at the table working (for those of you who don't know - not sure I mentioned it here - I have changed career paths now I am retired and am doing "web design" at a very junior level!!)

So in the dream I am working on a project -- there is this "story line" looks kinda like a tree - hard to explain - but it is real -- I work from it every day.......... there are the top 2 boxes and then lines leading down and branching out  to 4 "chapters" or individual rows of boxes lined up vertically all connected to the top 2 boxes by lines... and I can't find - can NOT - find the box I need - I know it is hidden inside one of the other boxes..and I am getting so frustrated - and feeling stupid - and then just before I wake up - or as I wake up - I go "eureka - the box is inside the one marked "journey" ........... 

Thank god with this last dream when I wake up I don't feel scared - or worried - or confused - I feel satisfied I found it!

But these 3 dreams have haunted me ....... I can't figure out what they are telling me - or why I had them.  I virtually never remember my dreams...... and when I do they are so life like I can't shake them for days!!!


And on top of all that -- today is Thanksgiving  here in Canada.  I was supposed to be in Montreal with my youngest and her family -- but had to cancel cause I don't think I am strong enough just yet to be driving - and I know definitely a full turkey dinner is not what my stomach needs .............. but I am feeling a little sorry for myself.......... I have looked forward to trips to visit my kids during the holidays without any guilt -- and here it is the first one and I can't go .......... I miss my kids ...... miss the family holidays... miss it all........  

Bloomfield contd

There are many small towns around this neck of the woods (more that I want to get out to with my camera as long as the weather holds) BUT Bloomfield boasted  having a Quaker cemetary.

And for some reason - god only knows why - I LOVE cemeteries especially old ones.

I wandered around Bloomfield - poking into almost all the small shops - before I went looking for the cemetery.  The tourist information had said it was on the main street.  I had walked it from one end to the other (or so I thought) without finding this cemetery.  I finally gave up got in my car and decided to zig zag my way back to civilization.  I drove down the main street for a bit - just checking there was nothing more I had missed...... and spotted this small sign between two houses that said simply "Cemetery".    I did a U-turn and came back.  

The sign was there - but honestly no sign of any cemetery.  I stopped the car.  There was a driveway -- which appeared to belong to one - if not both of the houses - and I shrugged and thought what the hell - if anyone questions me - maybe they know where this cemetery is........ 

Slowly I made my way down the windy driveway - and there - behind the houses - was an iron gate -- and just beyond that the cemetery!!

I drove slowly in............ it was a cemetery alright -  but all the headstones looked newish........ I followed the car tracks around - and there on the far side of the cemetery - under some very old trees were obvious old headstones.  I pulled the car off the car track as much as I could - and got out.  I wandered over ............ and yes - the neat rows of headstones dated back to 1820's ............ 

I wandered up and down the rows - reading as many of the headstones as was possible - it's amazing the history you can learn from headstones.  Whole families buried together - side by side.  That doesn't happen too much anymore.

I think the thing that amazed me the most -- was the longevity of these folk.  I don't know the average life span back in the 1800's but I sure don't think it was as long as today..... yet headstone after headstone proved me wrong.  There were more 80 and 90 year olds buried there -- then young folk.....

For some reason - in all my visits to old grave yards - I always feel a deep abiding peace.  My soul feels quiet - I feel comforted and safe.  Weird eh???? 

Anyway - here are some pics of the Quaker cemetery..............

 

Sunday's Great Adventure.

 Sunday morning I awoke to sunshine and almost no wind.   The wind has been howling around here for the last few days like some monster awakened early from his nap.  Even Miss ashes had decided the better part of valour was to stay indoors -- just in case -- better safe than sorry right??!!

I googled small towns -- ran my finger down the list -- hit one that showed promise -- packed up my camera gear and headed out.  

OH wait -- before I headed out I posted a cheeky status update on Facebook saying I was off on a big adventure - and IF I wasn't back in 12 hours send out the search parties. (and thought nothing more of it)

Now I do enjoy a nice drive in the country - on a nice sunny cool day.  BUT honestly this drive I took was a bit tiresome.  My GPS said turn left in 400 meters then immediately turn right....... I go on for a bit and then it would say in 300 meters turn right and then a sharp left.  All the while I am driving down country roads between farms.  ARE they serious??!!  No direct route to this lil town of Bloomfield??? 

It took me just over an hour to zig zag my way into Bloomfield.  I am thinking if you look up "small town" in the dictionary you might just see a picture of Bloomfield.  I wondered how this town survives - I didn't even see a grocery store!!  There were lots of little (and I do mean LITTLE) gift shops offering various gifts...... and even saw a sisal rug I toyed with purchasing for my front entrance way.  BUT I figured all my ropey friends would be fighting over who got to stand on it - wrap themselves in it - and have multiple orgasms (cheeky grin).  Besides they didn't have a pattern that appealed to me.

I found the ice cream shop - way too cold for ice cream (in my opinion) .. lots of B & B's and art galleries. I took pictures galore ......... and actually found my "arty farty" side that has laid dormant for all these many months!!

Before I share with you some of the pictures I took -- I have to tell you the end of my tale.....

While I was having a late lunch - I received an urgent phone message from a friend - that went something like this " I know you are on an adventure - but please call me or text me and use the nickname I have for mini me - so that I know you are ok!!!"  I had a good giggle.  I texted her back saying "my great adventure" involved driving back country roads with my camera -- NOT some stranger with whips and chains and floggers - oh my!!"

Now finally - here are some of the pictures I took on my great adventure...............

 this is NOT an actual quilt - but a sculpture at the edge of town....... 

This was a picture of main street

This was the ice cream shop 

This  -- believe it or not -- was an art gallery

Can you imagine trying to wade through THAT??

BUT this art gallery had stone sculptures from Zimbabwe around the yard that I loved!!

There was more to my trip to Bloomfield - the main deciding factor - but I will save that for tomorrow............I have bored you all enough for today :)

 

Sunday Sentiments

Commentary on Opinions

I wrote a really long -- out spoken blog about the above picture this morning -- but my damn computer just ate the whole damn thing mid sentence.  I give up.  I do believe the fates are telling me it's not worth it.......... to get bent out of shape by someone else's opinion of me.  

Someone who (in my humble opinion) is quite sketchy at best.  

Maybe what I should take away from this exercise in futility is that really no one much cares what my opinion of munches and their locations............ and I should just let things crumble under it's own weight.   

I do NOT have to be Don Quixote tilting at windmills.

I'll just work harder at not letting sketchy people's opinions of me affect me as much as they have in the past.  

*I* will chose who I will be - and not be let myself be affected by *their* opinions.  As the saying goes - "opinions are like ass holes - everyone has one".