Three weeks ago I called to make my yearly appointment with the doctor for my "check up" Three weeks ago I was fine - in fact so fine I had forgotten it was time for my yearly. Since I made the appointment I have developed a list of ailments that I am sure I am dying from - from pains in my legs (especially when I go to the gym on the treadmill) - my body seems to get chilled easily - to the bone - I don't feel like eating - I have pains in my stomach - I have pains in my joints - I get tired so easily ................. I don't want to go anywhere because what if I get worse??? What if... what if... what if... and logically I know that's all it is - a bunch of what if's............
When people ask how I'm doing - I say "fine" with a big smile - I LOVE living alone - I love my apartment - I love life - cause who wants to hang around with someone who is always complaining or feeling ill - or is miserable - Happy people attract friends - not sad/grumpy/complaining people. But the truth of the matter is it is getting more and more difficult for me to get dressed and actually leave the apartment ..... I feel safe here behind the locked closed doors. AND I know that is wrong - just so wrong on so many levels!!!
I don't know what the answer is - don't know what will pull me out of this funk I seem to have fallen into - but I do have to find a way out ... I want to wake every morning with a joy and excitement and joie de vivre that I seem to have lost.......... somewhere between packing everything up in Montreal - moving to Kingston - and then moving here to my lil apartment. I've lost it and I need to find it !!!
oh honey- you are being SO hard on yourself! To me, what in essence you are experiencing right now, is a period of mourning. A long-term, what you thought was forever relationship has ended - and harshly - and cruelly. It will take time for your mind, body, soul to process the emotions engendered by that - for you to recover spiritually. I think it important to be aware - as you are - of the potential to cocoon to the point of danger - but because you are aware - I don't think that will happen. You are allowed to nestle into what feels like a safe place and allow your body, mind and soul to process your emotions. I believe, truly, that with time and that incredibly fighting spirit of yours, you WILL eventually make your way through the dark tunnel into the light. xoxoxox
ReplyDeleteI'll help in whatever way I can. Maybe we can help each other.
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