The Work Begins

When I saw the doctor last week - I asked him for a referral to the therapist I saw when I first moved here and had some adjustment problems.  I told him I was not adjusting well to the end of my relationship with W.  He agreed and said it would take a month or so.

I was lucky for a couple of reasons....... the therapist remembered me and so when she had a cancellation yesterday she called me right away and asked if I wanted to come in after lunch.

I jumped at it.  Besides adjusting to living alone in an apartment - I also had just been told that my blood sugar levels are elevated and I am facing diabetes - that was like the straw that broke the camel's back.

She was very generous and let me go over the hour.  There seemed to be so many different things that were bothering me......... so many emotions just came tumbling out.  One of  the things that worry me - I have a tendancy to be agoraphobic (or someone who hates/fears going out).   I told her I don't want to leave the apartment - it feels safe here........ And she said it was ok!!!  She said I was suffering from a very common reaction - I forget what she officially called it - but something like stress fall out.  She said it was perfectly normal to cocoon when one is recuperating from very high stress levels.  To let my body tell me what it needed.  to listen .. to obey.  It would pass when my body had healed enough.  On my good days - go out see people be with people - but on the bad days - stay home safe inside my apartment .   It was nice to know I wasn't totally falling apart.

The one thing I blurted out at the end (of course at the end right?? ) I said "I am so angry at myself !!!  I blame myself !!!  god I am angry with myself.   I didn't realize how angry I am with myself for the ending of the relationship.  Of course I can't tell her everything behind the feelings of failure - can't share that I feel like I was a terrible sub - cause logically IF I had been a good submissive he wouldn't have dumped me by the road side (that's how it feels) ....... BUT I can substitute not good enough "partner" to keep him happy....... that worked.  She spent a few minutes going over why I stayed - asking me for MY reasons - then telling me from what she knew of me she could come up with 7 more reasons ........ and they were all valid and very true.  Things like I believe in commitment - I don't believe in giving up - that I am loyal and forgiving ............ and more.  Lots of things to think about - mull over - till I see her again in a month.

So I am starting to take all the broken pieces - looking at them - and piecing them back together ........... and being in control again.