Free is Better - Part 2

Or is it???

I am hoping all of you who read yesterday's blog entry got the point I was trying to make -  "things" that you work for become things you value and treasure.

Today I want to explore that premise in regards to human beings.  How often have I seen submissives chasing after one Dom or another......... throwing themselves at the Dom's feet...... offering themselves up for free.  I get it - trust me I do!! - they have discovered this submissive side of themselves and are in a frenzy to have it all - YESTERDAY.

They want to submit - to kneel - to have someone else make all the decisions - they just want to turn everything over and live in some idealistic world.  

And oh how many "Masters" leap at the chance to collar these door mat subbies.  These slaves who value themselves so low that free is top dollar.  These Masters drain the life out of the submissive - and then when she is empty they toss them aside and move on to the next whimpering/simpering subbie. 

Or on the other hand - how often do we hear of submissives who complain their Master is abusive - not caring enough - not loving enough and they whip off their collar and throw themselves at the next Master.  

Wash rinse and repeat - over and over and over again ad nauseum.

What submissives have to learn is to value themselves.  To see themselves as strong worthy women.  They have to look hard - audition even - Masters until they find the right combination of love, caring, and cruelty.  A really good Master will enjoy the challenge of a strong submissive - of watching the defiance dim in your eyes with each stroke of the whip - with each knot of a rope - until He has truly earned your submission.  

You must be willing to set your price high - to be able to earn the right Master - one filled with just the right amount of caring, love, trust, respect and honour.  

And it's not just submissives - but women in general - who feel the need - the desperation for a male in their lives and settle for much less than they deserve.  They set their value - their price way too low.  And happiness always seems to allude them.

We need to set our price high - so that the person who comes to claim us will remember our worth and hold us close - worth the wait and the challenge - a remarkable prize!

 

Free is Better - Part one

Or is it??????

When  I was younger (much much younger) if I wanted a big ticket item - like let's say a new bike - my parents encouraged me to save my pennies and put at least half the money towards the bike.  I grumbled and complained because my friends didn't have to save any of their money - their parents bought them their bikes.

When I was working I had to pay rent at home.  By that point in my life I didn't grumble or complain - I had grown accustomed to the fact that things in our house worked differently than in other homes.

When I was all grown up and had my own babies to raise - things were different.  If they wanted something (within our budget) they got it.  They didn't have to pay half or any part towards the item.  I was a good mom!

Then I started to see (realize) that all the stuff my girls got had no value to them.  The new - have to have - toy was tossed to the bottom of the toy chest once the novelty had worn off.  When it came to fancy brand name clothes (as they got older) the items of clothing weren't valued or cherished - they were worn and tossed into a pile at the bottom of the closet.  In fact one time I remember a daughter leaving lipstick in a pocket and throwing the offending item of clothing into the wash.  I remember her dad's white shirts being ruined with lipstick stains - AND her must have item of clothing as well.

I pulled my hair out.  All the shouting, lecturing, punishing did nothing to improve the girls attitude towards these luxuries - the must have luxuries.

Then I had a light bulb moment.  My parents weren't so mean after all!  There was method to their madness.  That bike that I wanted and paid half for - well it lasted me well into my adult years.  It was washed and polished and cherished.  The money I paid in rent......... well my dad had been banking it.  And when the day came that I wanted to get married - and wanted all these new clothes to start my new life, he went to the bank and emptied the account.  

No my parents hadn't been misers - they had been teaching me a valuable lesson.  And so I decided that it was way past time to teach my girls the same lesson.  So - when it came to shopping for new clothes - I gave them a clothing allowance - the exact amount of money I would have spent on them.  I took them to the clothing stores and let them loose  - and when they discovered that the money wouldn't buy ALL the brand name clothes they HAD to have - they started to learn that valuable lesson too. 

I don't know if it is human nature - but I suspect it is - that when things are free they don't have as much value as when we have to scrimp and save to buy them.  

And I think that lesson is a vital one to producing healthy responsible adults.  I also believe that that lesson carries through to all aspects of our lives.  Tomorrow I would like to look at the value we place on ourselves .......... and how it affects our well being - our life and our happiness.

Calling "Uncle"

Honestly I have lost track of the last time we had sunshine for two consecutive days.  It has been grey and gloomy and snowing for the past (at least) two weeks.  Not much snow - well not much for the Great White North.  We seem to have a major dump of snow once a week - and then the days following the major dump consist of light snow with dark skies.  I have had to shovel the front of the house every day ............ 

On Wednesday they are announcing another huge dump of snow.  And the long range forecast for next week - Spring Break - is snow every single bloody day !!!

I am about ready to throw in the towel - or in this case - the shovel!  It's enough now.  I could use a little sunshine right about now....... hell I could use SPRING right about now.. with daffodils and tulips and the smell of mud wafting through the air.

Everyone seems to be suffering from this interminably long winter - getting cranky and/or weepy.  Kids are fighting - adults are bitchy.

I am calling "Uncle" on this weather/winter.  I am calling "Red" .  I am calling "StopMotherFucker" and every other safe word I know.  

I don't think it will do any more good than when I use a safe word with W.......... Doms can be a bitch....... and Mother Nature is one helluva a Dom.  

Lucky me

 Last week Ordalie wrote to me on one of my blogs saying:   
Dear Morningstar, I do feel you're lucky to have Warren!
Who ever asked about what I hoped for? Who ever wanted to know what I wished as a sub (cause he knew nothing about that and didn't want to know), how I felt when I had major psychological or health problems?
When reading what Warren did for you brings home what my own husband never did for me, so I'm awfully glad you have him! 

 I answered her in the comment section - but decided it needed to be said out here for everyone to see/read

I am very glad I have W in my life - and realize how lucky I am to have him in my life.  When I look back on the other male influences in my life - he is definitely the best of the lot !!!

My ex husband was not exactly what you would call a "rock of Gibraltar" when there were problems - minor and major - he almost always took to his bed with a "headache".  
I decided many years ago - that I would be better off on my own - taking care of me - instead of counting on anyone to be there for me.  It saved on heart ache.  

And then when W came into my life - I was so independent - such a "tough old bird" that I couldn't (or wouldn't) ask him for help or support.  I didn't want to ask and then find out I was still very much on my own.  It has been 15 years now - and I am better at asking W for help.  And he has never - not once - let me down.  It boggles my mind - it really does.  I sometimes think that the biggest change was that I valued who I was..... and giving myself value showed W I was something worthy of his attention and love.  (but that discussion is really for another day - valuing yourself) 

I do know that there are days that I just don't want to burden W with my fears / anxieties (and god I have more than enough of those!!) and down periods.  Last night was a really good example.  For no reason at all I was down......... lower than a snake's belly.  I spent a good part of the day tearing up.  I felt very small and insignificant in this big world.  BUT when we hooked up on Skype in the evening (as is our habit) I tried very hard to put on a cheerful face.  He just doesn't need me down all the time .... worried all the time.... it is a drain on W......... and god knows the last thing I want to be is a drain on anyone!!  And there is only so much one man can do!  But I was quiet and felt the tears tickling my eyes......... so I begged off early and went for a bath and bed.  Believing "tomorrow will be a better day" ...............

And it is - mostly - a better day - cause I have a man who loves and respects and cares for me.

Sunday Sentiments

Social butterfly?

I am sitting here thoroughly enjoying my first cup of coffee in my pjs...... feeling mellow and relaxed ..... and yeah maybe even a little lazy.  I even slept in this morning to 6:45 .. which for me is WOW !!

Last night (after a very long day - hell forget day - long week) I went to a munch by myself.  Wanted to touch base with a few friends.  It was a good evening..but not as many folks out as I had hoped - and oh so many new faces.......... In my mind I am in limbo - not still here and not yet there.  So it makes it difficult for me to feel the connection to new folks.  BUT ...... I had great onion soup for dinner and some time catching up with one or two old friends.

Today I plan to start giving this old place a good cleaning - top to bottom - sparkly clean.  My plan is to start on the top level and work my way down............. (though sitting here sipping coffee in my pjs is not exactly getting much done)

Tonight I am going out for dinner again!!!  (it never rains but it pours) My youngest daughter has arranged a restaurant birthday party for my son-in-law - complete with both sides of the family (don't get me started on that) and of course my grandsons.  I never go out to dinner here anymore - and now this weekend - twice !!

For a number of reasons - this past week I have been thinking about relationships ........ and how women (not all but some) need - NEED - to have a male in their lives to feel validated.  My mom was like that.......... though she never did find anyone (settle on anyone) after my dad died....... but I do remember her talking about missing the male factor.  I have been thinking about that a lot............. and might even be able to rustle up a blog entry on how we value ourselves.......... but that's for another day,

Right now - the coffee cup is empty and the house is dirty - so I am off to clean.......... Have a great Saturday eveyone!!

Heart Stopped

I came home from work - as usual - and was having my breakfast and second cup of coffee - when my cell phone rang.

By the time I got to it the person had hung up.

I checked who called.  it was my doctor's office.  My heart stopped.  The nurse had told me that IF they find cancer the biopsy report would be back within the week, and the office would call me.

So yeah my heart stopped.

I called back immediately - they put me on hold for 22 minutes.

When the nurse finally came on the phone...........it was to tell me they had NOT called me.  WTF???!!  She said she was sure no one called.  I asked if my biopsy report had come back,  She said no.  I started to breath again.......... slowly.  My heart started beating again............. slowly.

Have I told you this stress is killing me???

Overcoming Writer's Block

 This morning I was wondering what the hell to write about when I read Hermione's post for the day and decided I haven't done a meme in ages and ages - so why not??

 
1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
closed - I'm with Hermione on this one - you never know what might be lurking in amongst the clothes when the lights go out.  

 2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
 Sometimes - but not always 

 3. Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
oh yeah!  - I always forget them at home... now W is the world's greatest coupon cutter - AND - he keeps them in a special wallet thingy in the car so they are always with him.  He would make a GREAT professional shopper !!!

 4. Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
 Bees I guess - I have already been attacked by yellow jackets and lived to tell about it - not sure I would be as lucky with a big bear. 

 5. Do you always smile for pictures?
 yeah - usually cause W yells at me to "smile".  I HATE having my picture taken.

 6. What is your biggest pet peeve?
 People who don't do their jobs properly.  It really REALLY drives me crazy!!

 7. What size is your bed?
 here I have a double - and because W and I have tried (slept) for many years in a double - we have a Queen size in Kingston  

 8. What's your least favorite movie?
 any and all science fiction 

 9. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
 not sure I have ever eaten a chicken nugget - but I do love chicken fingers and I always dip them in honey.

 10. What is your favorite food?
 Not sure I have a "favourite food"........ maybe dessert???

 11. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
 All the Lethal Weapon Series 

 12. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
 oh yeah - Brownie and Girl Guide 

 13. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
 good god NO - not now when everything is showing it's age and use - and not when it was young and perky and spanking brand new 

 14. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
 I honestly can't remember - it's been that long

 15. Favorite kind of sandwich?
 home made chicken salad sandwiches preferably in a wrap rather than bread. 

 16. Best thing to eat for breakfast?
 toasted bagels with honey 

 17. What is your usual bedtime?
 9 p.m. - I get up so damn early don't you know!!  

 18. Are you lazy?
 I wouldn't think so.... but I do have days.....

 19. Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
 Nope 

 20. Do you sing in the car?
 not usually - but W will attest to the fact that I can and do "bop" along with the music

 21. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
 Really ?? are you serious???? ughhhhhhh if I have to pick one it would be Wal-Mart cause we have one close by - BUT............ I always get lost in Wal-Mart!!! 

 22. What's your favorite color?
 Red of course

 23. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
 tucked in - can't have the monsters under the bed nibbling on my toes can I ??

 24. Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
 why would I want to??  

 25. Do you like to use post-it notes?
 OH MY GOD YES YES YES!!!  I have them stuck everywhere - even on the monitor for my computer !!!

A little reminder........

On Friday night W asked me if I wanted to get my ass "whooped".  I hesitated.  We haven't played in months.  I have been so wrapped up in this "thing" that is growing in my belly - that I kinda put life on hold.  So playing hasn't been very high up on my list of priorities.  

A few weeks ago I went back and read the blog entries from 5 years ago - when I had this "thing" first rear it's ugly head.  I am not sure what I was looking for ....... certainly not memories....... yet what I read there was important.  I wrote more than once how W tried to keep my life as normal as possible - W tried very hard to keep me distracted from the doom and gloom that seems to settle over me when life deals me a crappy hand.

So Friday night I hummed and hawed and offered a piss poor excuse "there aren't any toys here" to which he replied "I brought the new toy".  (In January - up in Kingston - we had some of our new kinky friends over for a get together - and one of the guests brought W a new flogger).  

A new toy - one never used - never experienced - intrigued me.  oh hell why not !!!  

So the new toy was found - I stripped and knelt over the ottoman - and W started to whoop my ass.  I won't lie and say it was a great session........ W was out of shape (he posted here about it - and yeah I have lectured him about that!!) But it was exactly what I needed at that exact moment in time.  A little bit of normalcy - in a world that has been spinning out of control.  

A little reminder that life can be good and fun no matter what else is going on............ 

 

Sunday Sentiments

Experimenting............

Yesterday morning when I was outside visiting with our neighbourhood skunk I had an inspirational moment.  I went to get my camera and took some shots of the fluffy snow that blanketed the trees and bushes,  

Truthfully all this picture taking just made me more determined to go back to school and take some photography classes................ 

For those interested - here are the pictures I took ............

Moment in Time

I stepped outside the front door this morning around 6 a.m. to grab a quick 2 puffs off my cigarette.  The snow was floating down covering the quietness in a blanket of white.

My mind was in neutral - enjoying the early morning quiet - when I heard a russling around the far corner of the hedge.  I lifted my eyes to see this big fat skunk working his way down the path right straight toward me.

I just stood there silent as the snow falling and watched him walk right up to me  - turn sharp left and head into the hedge beside my lil home and disappear, 

And I thought 'he must be returning from a night of partying' smiled and quietly backed through my front door..

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day !!

Thoughts on masochism

I was sitting here this morning - mentally preparing myself for a 3 hour long workshop on "tax preparation" that I must attend at the school Board ( I have to prepare tax receipts for all the families that attend my programs)  And it made me think that I am truly a masochist because I absolutely HATE anything to do with math.

And that got me to thinking about all the toys W has ........ and how my likes and dislikes have changed and evolved.  

I was remembering the days of wooden paddles that used to break over my ass and how proud I was that I could take that kind of pain........ how I used to hate whips and floggers.  How I loved needles stuck into my body..... How I loved clamps and clothes pegs and various other items of torture attached to my private pink bits.  As time passed (and illnesses hit) I found myself happier with a whip than a hard unforgiving paddle.  I found myself hiding my private pink bits for fear W might want to perform some torture on it....... I just really wanted a nice whipping.... a floaty feeling .. and thank you very much I am done.  Gone are the long one hour sessions - sometimes followed by another hour long session - all in one evening.  Whip me ......... snuggle me... and let's move on.  That seems to be the way life has morphed.  Maybe back in those days I felt I had something to prove - to W ...... to myself (push those limits) ...... and to anyone watching. But not now.

I also noticed about 8 months ago I guess - that I didn't drip from the thought of a session with W........ hell I barely got damp even from a whipping.  I moaned I was broken.  I wondered wonder if the lack of arousal from a session had a bearing on how much pain I could handle.  Somehow it seemed that when I would get sexually aroused it made the pain exquisite and wonderful - and left me drained and shaking and more than just a little floaty.  And hell if I had an orgasm just from the pain I was gone for hours.  Orgasms became harder and harder to achieve - even with W fucking me for all he was worth......... I just couldn't seem to have those earth shattering - gut wrenching - squirting sort of orgasms. 

Now I discover I have this "thing" growing in my uterus and I wonder if this is the reason.  I wonder if the doctor can make it all gone if my desires will return.  I wonder if I will ever be the masochist I once was........ or is that only to be a memory.

And I wonder if it is really all that important......... to be the masochist I once was.  I wonder if W will be a little disappointed - though I doubt He would ever say anything.  I wonder if we can forge a new way of doing this BDSM thing we do............I wonder what life will become when I manage to cross the stepping stones.  

    

Ummmmmmmmm

I do believe I have some form of writer's block. I get little unfocused ideas of things to say and then they just blow away - or I decide they really have no validity or worth.  

Last evening I said to W "I want my life back !!"  and I do.  Cause it feels like this thing in my belly has stolen it........ stolen the joy and excitement from my life.

And I hate whining - and I feel as though all I am doing these days is whining....... 

I made it to the first stepping stone (see Saturday's post) and I am stuck there... I felt so damn good Saturday - going shopping (and you all know how much I hate shopping) BUT then I had to stop at the druggist and pick up the pills I have to take tomorrow night for Thursday's procedure.  It was a simple task .......... pick up the pills and move on.  Only thing is ......... they wouldn't give me the pills till I talked to the head pharmacist.  She asked a whole mess of personal questions.......... and me - feeling like a deer caught in the headlights - answered them - instead of telling her to go to hell - it was none of her business.  Questions like "why did your doctor prescribe these pills?"  (my answer - because I am having a biopsy done) Question "a biopsy??? why??" (and I answered her - but she didn't need to know - did she??) Finally she handed over the two damn pills with a look - it is difficult to explain - but a look that said more than words could ever say.  AND the rock was back in my stomach and I just wanted to run home and curl up on the sofa and hide.

Wanna know something weird (or maybe stupid??) 

Yesterday I pulled out my Chinese fortune sticks and threw them.  The one that came out first said " You are going through a rough time right now.  But with patience your fortunes will improve. Your health will take some time to improve - but it will"  (something like that - I didn't memorize it) 

And so it goes......... I am stuck with writer's block ............ and a rock in my gut... and a vague promise that things WILL get better.

Just a little smile

This picture is brought to you by the month of February........from the calendar that hangs over my desk in my home office.

When I flipped the page to February - the saying bugged me - made me angry even.......
"Do the small things while they are easy
and do the great things while they are small
A journey of a thousand miles 
must begin with a single step"  Lao Tzu

Not exactly an obscure saying - I know it off by heart.  But reading it - actually reading the words made it sink in...... and it made me angry.  I have always tried to do things as they came along - tried hard not to procrastinate - I know that any journey begins with a single step - BUT - sometimes you aren't in control of your journey........... Sometimes as much as you want to move on something holds you back........ damn! February was making me angry.  I just curled back up into my lil ball and wished the world away.

And worse than having my nose rubbed in the saying (well that's how it felt - every morning when I sat down with my coffee - to see it looming over me - taunting me )  I kept seeing the stones.......... and I kept thinking 'road blocks' how can you take a step with rocks in your way.... having to work your way around them - or over them - just slows you down.

Then yesterday - or the day before - I am not really sure when my unconscious mind focused the picture - but this morning I am seeing it in an entirely new way.  

This morning I am seeing the ripples in the sand - to symbolize water.  I am seeing those stones - not as road blocks - BUT - stepping stones.  Yes the journey can begin with one step at a time - slowly - using the rocks over the water - one step at a time... slowly and surely working one's way from beginning to end.

I am no longer stuck (per say) at the first step but feeling as though I can gingerly work my way across into a new beginning ...... a new place - yeah yeah maybe with new stones to step across - but I can do it now.  I feel free - no longer stuck - no longer wanting to hide inside my lil house and let the world drag me along.  I am standing straighter today......... I am stepping out onto the first little stone - taking the first step in my journey of a thousand miles with a much lighter heart.   

Ring Tones

There was a time when W had the ringtone "To Sir with Love" as my ring tone (hell he might still have it I honestly don't know).  For those of you who don't remember the lyrics - OR - who are too darn young to have even seen the movie.......... the important part of the lyrics go:

If you wanted the sky I would write across the sky in letters,
That would soar a thousand feet high,
To Sir, with love. 

If you wanted the moon I would try to make a start,
But I, would rather you let me give my heart,
To Sir, with Love 

I haven't been able to get that song out of my mind these past few weeks.  Oh I am not saying goodbye to W - not even close.  BUT it has made me think a lot about what love means......... and the traits of a Dominant - a REAL Sir..... at least in my mind. 

I am not just a play thing for W......... he isn't there for me just when the times are good and my ass is in the air for him to whoop.  He isn't just there when I am serving him and doing all manner of subbie things for him.  He is there for me when the days are dark and fear is clouding my vision.  He is there for me when I am less than who I can be. 

He is there for me every single day - and he believes in me!  He puts aside his needs and wants and just every day things he needs to do to come to me - to hold my hand through doctor's appointments and yucky miserable tests.  And it isn't a short hop skip and jump to get to me either.  It involves a 3 hour drive in winter weather - but He comes each and every time.  And he gives me the strength to face yet another test... and yet another test result........ He IS my rock.  

And this caring makes me hang my head in shame that all those years ago I ripped His collar from my neck and took (what I now call) a sabbatical from our life together.  Makes me embarrassed that I didn't trust in His love and His caring and His integrity enough.  I have wanted to ask him......... to beg him....... to collar me again - for a long time.  But most of the time I don't think I deserve that right....... haven't earned that right.... haven't earned His trust again.  And so I wait............. 

And while I wait He cares for me better than any Dominant (or man) before Him.  He is more than I could hope for........... more than I deserve.

I don't need A day to tell him I love him.  I don't need A Valentine's Day .   This simple man is embedded in my heart - and will be there forever.

 




 

 

 

More please............

So........... I saw the doctor yesterday afternoon.

She wants more tests.

So next Thursday (Valentine's Day for god's sakes!!)  I am to present myself at the hospital for yet another procedure.  

 

 

Another Weekend

I think I am getting tired of blah weekends - which is probably a good sign........... 

Saturday I spent the day cleaning and some of the day vegging out watching my taped TV shows.

Sunday the girls were coming over for a small birthday celebration for eldest daughter.  I say "girls" but my grandsons came too - so the celebration was pretty even - 3 girls and 3 boys.    The boys played with their video games and we girls chatted - eldest daughter opened her birthday presents - we all ate cake .......... Then the girls packed up the kids and headed off to youngest daughter's house for a Super Bowl party - I do not DO American football - and truthfully didn't need the noise and crowds....... so I stayed home to clean up the mess and finish recharging my battery for the week ahead.

You have to see the cake I bought - mostly for the kids........... I saw them about a month ago and so wanted an occasion to buy one - just to try it !!!

Today - hopefully - W is heading back down here.  I have yet another appointment with the doctor tomorrow - to get the results from the test a week ago............. I am pretty sure things won't be settled tomorrow........ am pretty sure I am facing yet more tests that will make the diagnosis conclusive - shrug - but who knows............ 

And that was the "print out" of my weekend...............  

Sunday Sentiments

Post Script to School Humour

Just a quick addendum to yesterday's post about the "Great Kidnapper Caper"......



To recap briefly - my markers had been 'kidnapped'.  The ransom demand was 3 cups of hot coffee - sugar and 3 muffins.

Sooooooooooooo...........

When I got to school I volunteered one of my grade 6 boys to help me prepare the ransom.  We found a small square box and 2 styrofoam cups and a couple of packages of sugar.  We also took 2 small muffins (that had been leftover from the hot lunches the day before)

I had some instant coffee.  We boiled up some water.  And took the whole lot to the main office - the "drop for the ransom".  I made 1 and 1/2 cups of instant coffee.  We cut the second muffin in half - and we put 2 packages of sugar in the box.  We carefully and gently put the 1 and 1/2 cups of hot coffee in the box - without lids.  I then added a note that said something to the effect of " this is half the ransom demand - when ALL my markers and carrier are returned safely I will complete the ransom demand".  We put that in the box.   

Then I taped the box shut - with electric tape.

And we left the drop spot.


Then as more older kids came in - I explained what was going on.  I asked them if they wanted to "stake out " the drop site.  They more than willingly agreed.  

So starting around 7:45 in teams of 2 - my older kids started "nonchalantly"  walking past the main office

Around 8:30 I guess it was ....... two of my stalkers came screaming back to my office laughing and shouting that the markers had mysteriously re-appeared.  "We did it!!!"

Best part of the whole thing - besides getting my carrier back - the kids kept giggling and squirming and one of them said to me "I can't believe how much fun teachers CAN be!!!"  


Yeah believe it or not.......... we teachers can be fun (see me grinning??!!)