Thoughts on masochism

I was sitting here this morning - mentally preparing myself for a 3 hour long workshop on "tax preparation" that I must attend at the school Board ( I have to prepare tax receipts for all the families that attend my programs)  And it made me think that I am truly a masochist because I absolutely HATE anything to do with math.

And that got me to thinking about all the toys W has ........ and how my likes and dislikes have changed and evolved.  

I was remembering the days of wooden paddles that used to break over my ass and how proud I was that I could take that kind of pain........ how I used to hate whips and floggers.  How I loved needles stuck into my body..... How I loved clamps and clothes pegs and various other items of torture attached to my private pink bits.  As time passed (and illnesses hit) I found myself happier with a whip than a hard unforgiving paddle.  I found myself hiding my private pink bits for fear W might want to perform some torture on it....... I just really wanted a nice whipping.... a floaty feeling .. and thank you very much I am done.  Gone are the long one hour sessions - sometimes followed by another hour long session - all in one evening.  Whip me ......... snuggle me... and let's move on.  That seems to be the way life has morphed.  Maybe back in those days I felt I had something to prove - to W ...... to myself (push those limits) ...... and to anyone watching. But not now.

I also noticed about 8 months ago I guess - that I didn't drip from the thought of a session with W........ hell I barely got damp even from a whipping.  I moaned I was broken.  I wondered wonder if the lack of arousal from a session had a bearing on how much pain I could handle.  Somehow it seemed that when I would get sexually aroused it made the pain exquisite and wonderful - and left me drained and shaking and more than just a little floaty.  And hell if I had an orgasm just from the pain I was gone for hours.  Orgasms became harder and harder to achieve - even with W fucking me for all he was worth......... I just couldn't seem to have those earth shattering - gut wrenching - squirting sort of orgasms. 

Now I discover I have this "thing" growing in my uterus and I wonder if this is the reason.  I wonder if the doctor can make it all gone if my desires will return.  I wonder if I will ever be the masochist I once was........ or is that only to be a memory.

And I wonder if it is really all that important......... to be the masochist I once was.  I wonder if W will be a little disappointed - though I doubt He would ever say anything.  I wonder if we can forge a new way of doing this BDSM thing we do............I wonder what life will become when I manage to cross the stepping stones.