Into Every life.............

A little rain must fall............ 

And for the last few days there has been more than a little rain - both figuratively and literally.  

BUT it's enough now....... 

I am a very lucky woman - I have friends - some whom I have never met - who wouldn't let me wallow in my angst without giving me a kick in the butt....... those are truly good friends :)  They didn't give me platitudes - but rather straight talk.  Sometimes we all need a little straight talk........ I most certainly do.......... 


And I got these sayings............ they whispered in my ear and went straight to my heart........
There was this one.............. 

and this one.........

and this one was actually going to be a header  for a blog I was thinking about writing........... cause ya see..... I have changed my mind.. and it has nothing to do with being a woman.. or not knowing what I want... it has to do with being insecure and unsure but mostly embarrassed .... 

embarrassed by my behaviours last summer - when I was single again.. and trying to find my way in a frantic way - almost sub frenzy.  When I totally lost touch with who I really am..... when I lost touch with my center - with what IS me.  When I allowed myself to be pulled into a whirlpool of opinions and ideas that didn't quite "fit".


And I was too embarrassed to say I made a fool of myself... made mistakes.. and would very much like to take it all back.


I am not saying that I shouldn't have asked to be released - and removed my collar...... no no.. I think I needed to do that.. and I believe that W needed to know I wasn't happy (ok ok maybe I could have found a more delicate way of getting him to understand that - but hey !!  I am nothing if not impulsive) I honestly and truly believe W and I needed some space - we both needed to re-evaluate the relationship - and find what was important.  Was the relationship important enough to save....... to work on........ to tweak and improve??? 

A couple of weekends ago - when I was at Oubliette - I got talking to a Dom - mostly it was joking around.......... but he said something that struck me to my core.  He said that when the contract he has with his sub comes up for renewal he will add a couple of things................ I asked if he was serious ... did they actually have a contract that had to be renewed??? He said yes - every year they sat down and had an honest talk about what was working and what wasn't.  

That made sense to me........... cause what works today - may not work in a year from today........ things you want to try may not be as good - as wonderful - as it seems on the net........... and knowing that you can and will sit down and discuss it again.. review so to speak ... makes a whole helluva lot of sense.  


And some may say - why have a time stamp on it?? why not sit down and talk the minute things aren't working?? Why?? because we don't.  At least W and I didn't.  


Every year - on the anniversary of my collaring - W would crave the number into my body........ that was it............. we never asked each other if we were happy...... if things were working......... even when we knew they weren't.


I personally think it is a great idea....... on the anniversary ...... sit down and talk about the last year in concrete terms.. get it out there.. lay it on the table... dialogue - not one person bitching.. but two people having a meaningful discussion.  Hell that would even work in a marriage.. in any type of relationship.. Instead of celebrating 'surviving' another year - spend some time talking how things could change to make both parties happier.  


shrug - works for me.


So ........... I have changed my mind....... AND.... I am not the same person I was yesterday or last year........... now it is time to work out a new beginning (maybe - W??)