YIPEEEEEEEEEE

Summer vacation started at exactly 4:00 pm today............

see me do the happy dance.

Amazing

Know what that thing is in the above picture??

Well if you have ever done any home renovations... you will recognize it as the plain ordinary necessary paint stirrer.

BUT you might be wrong............

Sir used it this past weekend as His handy dandy spank the sub stick.

Paint stirrers - at least the one Sir used - are flexible. They bend when they hit... they sting when they hit......... AND they can be used to spank the smallest of spots..like my clit.......... over and over and over again!!

After a Saturday of spank the sub's ass with the white teflon spanker that magically molds to the ass (and after use returns to it's normal flat shape) and leaves bruising............ (yes yes Sir actually managed to bruise this leather ass of mine!!) Sunday was deemed cunt day...........

Sir had me lying on my back - legs spread wide........ with one hand He held open my pussy and with the other - used the now infamous paint stirrer to slap away at the inner lining of my pussy, and with a tug on the jewelry - my exposed clit. and no i am NOT complaining.. it was amazing............. i love pussy torture in any form.......... (don't ask why - i have no idea........... come near my tits the same way i run screaming from the room)

Besides all the spanking - there were two phenomenal orgasms... (after a month or so of none.. my pussy felt stretched, bruised and ohhhhhhh so used)

On the service side.. let's see.. i dead headed Sir's hanging baskets (actually they are hanging bags ) caught and released two really weird flying bugs (no i did NOT kill them geeeeeeeeez !!! if you can catch and release you should) ... i cooked an ok make shift Saturday night dinner - as the steaks never did defrost.. supervised Sir barbequing sausages on Sunday......... of course i did all the washing up........

oh yeah.. and for good measure and to make sure Sir got enough protein .. i sliced my thumb up into the salad on Saturday..........

i declare this weekend - AMAZING !!!

Fright or flight

i am working off the lap top today.. a lap top that seems to be thinking it should be allowed to go on summer vacation (insert eye roll) so be patient with the quality of this entry..

BUT i have these thoughts rolling around in my head and if they don't come out.. my head may very well explode.

i was reading some blogs this morning (before the lap top packed up and left for the beach) ... and one specifically rattled my windows and shook up my calm......

On Darklight Stables Cloud wrote;
"I want them to scurry about because they fear my disappointment, my anger and my discipline
in other words they fear me. "

ok .. whoa.. stop..


those words "they fear me" punched me in the gut.... took my breath away.... made my heart pound and my palms sweat.

Fear has nothing to do with respect.. or trust. Synonyms for fear are ...... fright, dread, terror, horror, panic, alarm, consternation, trepidation

"Fear is the parent of cruelty" (J.A. Froude).

Fear causes the body to react with a flight response....

i am left wondering why any Dominant would want His minions to fear Him??? i am wondering why any submissive/slave would stay with a Dominant they feared??

i am not saying i have not experienced fear with Sir.. cause i have.. fear of the knife sliding inside my cunt.. fear of the flame licking at my body.. fear of the whip cutting through the air... fear of disappointing Sir....... but i have never feared Sir Himself. i respect Him.. i trust Him.. otherwise the knife wouldn't be sliding anywhere on my body.. the flame wouldn't be lit, and the whip would hang on the wall...

And that is just my 2cents on the subject....

Excited..

What a difference a day makes ya know??

ok ok so it is more than a day.......... but still i am so excited............

First off.... a fellow blogger and i are working out plans to meet........ to meet face to face !!! over coffee next week.... she will be in town and i will be on summer holidays.. and coffee is calling............. i can hardly sit still...........

Second... i only work a half day today and will be leaving from work to go to Sir's for the weekend.. my bags are packed - including the lap top - and by mid afternoon i should be safely tucked away in His house.......

Thirdly......... well..... this one is a mix of emotions..
i have applied for a transfer to a new school............... a tough school (like mine isn't tough now!!)
i have been making lists.. pros and cons.. ya know what i mean...... the lists you make when you can't really make up your mind......... cause i wanna go.. but i wanna stay........ i am the girl who HATES change......... yet i applied for a big change.......... what the hell was i thinking???

i will be leaving "my kids" behind..
but i will for sure find new kids that will need my special talents......

i will be leaving behind the problem staff members who are driving me f--king nuts !!! bitch bitch bitch is all they seem to do........ and then despite what i ask.. they do what they want anyways........ i am leaving behind the blow ups and the melt downs and the back stabbing.........
but i don't know what i will be walking into....... my grandmother always used to say "better the devil you know than the one you don't" and i hear there is little programming or direction in the staff i am going to .........

it will be a 10 minute drive on city streets - so much closer to home.. even - maybe - allowing me to run home during the day for lunch and a rest...... and no more highway driving in the dead of winter before the sun rises..

BUT everything is just about ready for the new year at my school - i have done all the ordering.. the registrations are 90% completed - my staffing is done - i was getting a new lap top and a smart board.. i could do the job blind folded.. i love my new principal... i was thinking i could quite literally take the whole summer off knowing everything was ready - even 90% of my programming for next year.......
in the new place - god only knows what is ready and what isn't.. what i am walking into and what i am not walking into... i most definitely won't have a new lap top or a smart board.. i will be on my toes.. challenged .. every single minute of every single day - till i get the hang of things.. names.. kids.. rooms.. routines...
i have 5 years left till i retire.. WHO opts for a new challenge with 5 years to go.. don't most people coast to retirement??

WHAT AM I THINKING??

and worse than that... why i am worrying NOW.. i don't even know if i will be considered for the job never mind get the job !!

Anyway............ because you made your way through my angst to this point.. i think you deserve a prize.. and i did promise i would get back to posting to the "other" blogs.. so go check out the Photojournal - i have posted some summer pictures...

Pet Peeve......

Ok.. so enough of the self flagellation.. hair shirts and public humiliation.......


my dear friend swan - over on the Heron Clan - left this comment for me yesterday.....
"I was struck by the RED color references in your post, and I wondered what it might mean to be so immersed in a particular color... So I checked, and here's what I found:

Red is the color of fire and blood, so it is associated with energy, war, danger, strength, power, determination as well as passion, desire, and love.

Red is a very emotionally intense color. It enhances human metabolism, increases respiration rate, and raises blood pressure. It has very high visibility, which is why stop signs, stoplights, and fire equipment are usually painted red. In heraldry, red is used to indicate courage. It is a color found in many national flags.

...In advertising, red is often used to evoke erotic feelings (red lips, red nails, red-light districts, 'Lady in Red', etc). Red is widely used to indicate danger (high voltage signs, traffic lights). This color is also commonly associated with energy...

Light red represents joy, sexuality, passion, sensitivity, and love.
Pink signifies romance, love, and friendship. It denotes feminine qualities and passiveness.
Dark red is associated with vigor, willpower, rage, anger, leadership, courage, longing, malice, and wrath."

i will credit her .. and my day in the summer sunshine.. for my desire to move on here on The Journey.......... close the back stage curtains... and come out front stage and get on with "things" :)

(phewwwwwwwwwww aren't you all glad that spasm / hiccup is over??)

While i am on the topic of comments........... and before i get to my Pet Peeve... there are no words to describe the out pouring of support, caring, and virtual hugs that i have received over the last couple of weeks....no words to properly thank you all for your comments and emails. No words to tell you how much they touched my heart.. or how they made me cry.. thank you each and every one of you !!! and please forgive me for not writing to each of you individually - i was just not up to writing........ and when the sky started to clear - well i just didn't know what to say........ (but i am working on that !!)

Ok.. so now... my Pet Peeve........

i really do hate .......... HATE ........ back stabbers.... people who look you in the face and say one thing.. then the minute your back is turned .. say something completely different..

i encounter people like that a lot........... at work mostly.. but yeah in my private life too....

Most of the time i try to let it all run off my back like water off a duck's back....... except for a comment the other day by the infamous "anonymous" who wrote "you have hurt others"........... no name.. no connection... just 4 little words. And it isn't the first time that the infamous "anonymous" has left such comments on my blog... usually i dump 'em....... but this time i left it.. mainly cause i had every intention of touching on it......... ok ok more than touching on it.

Enough already with the sneaking around like a thief in the night...... all of you ... for god's sakes grow a back bone.. stand up and be counted !!! IF i have done something to hurt you.. or if you don't agree with me.. for god's sakes face me and tell me....... stop whining about it behind my back..... leaving inneundos around hoping i might see them or hear them.. Grow a back bone i say !! stand up to me and tell me what you think........ honestly and openly..........

And give me the chance to explain .......... or apologize......... or tell you to go to hell.. but give me a chance.

ok.. getting down off my soap box.. putting it away...from now on.. i will go back to dumping anonymous comments that spew forth hurt and disdain.....be warned !!

Now i am off to work.. 4 more working days till my summer officially begins !!! and then .. with all that time on my hands........who knows.. i might just turn out an installment or two for the Fictional Journey.. find a picture or two for the Photojournal.........

A Day off.....

i am sitting out here in my secret garden... on my wicker chair with the red cushions.. under my red umbrella.. enjoying my red accent flowers in the garden.,.. listening to the birds singing.. the squirrels playing tag....... and realizing summer is so close i can taste it.......

There are a whole mess of words/thoughts flying through my head... but i am hesitant to write some of them... because when i am working things out... when the hurt is done and the work begins.. i tend to go inwards and quiet.

BUT i did want to say a word or two on 'rules' ....... something i have alluded to in past blog entries..

we all use words/terms that have meaning for us.. but may not hold the same meaning for you.. or others...

A good example is when i talk about the voices i hear... no i don't actually "hear" voices.. i do however remember words spoken in past relationships...which .. if i start on that topic will end me up on a tangent meant for another day.......

So back to rules

Perhaps they aren't rules so much as expectations Sir has ........

an expectation that i won't argue with every single thing He suggests/says..

or the expectation that i will wear the leather collar He had made for me..

or the expectation that i will report when i am home safe and sound..

or ask for permission to spend money on trivial items..

or take care of His dietary needs as well as His medicines ...

or do what He asks of me immediately without a debate..

or have interesting meals ready at the proper time..


in a nutshell .. to be gracious and graceful and submissive.

Once upon a time.. .a therapist suggested that perhaps my relationships were all pretty much the same.. because i kept repeating patterns....

Once upon a time.. my mother used to say that i couldn't be right all the time and everyone else wrong all the time..

i think my mother had it right.. and the therapist wrong..



It isn't easy to admit to the 'world' that i have screwed up in a big way.. it isn't easy to admit to Sir that i have (once again) screwed up in a big way........ but it is even more difficult to admit to myself that i have been wrong.,, more than once.. and it is time to suck it up.. take responsibility for my mistakes and bloody FIX them !!


And that is what i have been thinking in my secret garden.. under the red umbrella surrounded by red flowers and singing birds.......

words and words are all i have.........

"this world has lost its glory
let's start a brand new story
now my love
You think that i don't even mean
a single word i say

it's only words...........
and words are all i have"

Of all the caring supportive emails i have received over the last 2 or 3 weeks there was one... one that dared to say it as it is........... (or how they saw it.. which as it turns out is pretty damn close to how it is) ..........
if you go back and read your posts I am betting you will see you spend a whole lot more time wanting him to serve your needs rather than the other way around.

Sir said almost the same thing this past Sunday........ almost... not quite as bluntly but still .. almost the same thing..........

i cried on Sunday........ because i didn't recognize the woman Sir was describing...and yet in my heart of hearts i did... shrew comes to mind.. YES shrew!! or spoiled... self centered... gimme gimme... not graceful .. not gracious .. not even submissive... i have lied............... to everyone including myself.......

i have begged...... yes begged..... to be forgiven.. to be given a chance to redeem myself...

For both of us.. yes both of US........ to start again.. to knock down all the mess that has accumulated on the foundation that was once US...... and try to rebuild from the foundation up....... a better relationship..

It is going to be a long road... a hard rocky road........ there are things in front of me that scare the living day lights out of me.. push my limits.. make me grow... teach me to be stronger in my submission.... teach me to be stronger period.

AND hard limits aren't just kinky.. hard limits can and are vanilla things too.... it will be my job to take care of me .. in some ways.. not close my eyes... shove my head in the sand and hope it all just goes away.. the bad things..the tough things.. the scary things...... stand up and be counted

AND it will be more than words..... more than empty promises... and it will be me..working hard... changing improving... listening... and doing... showing that it is indeed more than empty words.. more than empty promises...

And i have started... from something as simple as wearing the leather collar tight around my neck... to coming back here to the blog.... and writing......... i didn't know.. i honestly didn't know that this was important to Sir.. my writing... there was a lot i didn't know mattered.. i know now...

And so .. a brand new journey begins....

tears

Once again .. i come here in the quiet stillness of the early morning......... listening to the rain tap against my window like some elf trying to come in.......... and wonder if the words will come .... if they will make any sense to anyone other than me....

For two weeks now i have had this deep deep sadness inside of me... eating away .. tugging at my heart and my stomach and making them hurt....... not pretend hurt.. but real hurt.. i fight with the tears that well up in my eyes and threaten to spill over and run down my cheeks...

i fight back at that hurt.. because that is part of who i am... and i go about my daily business .. taking pictures... doing paper work... managing staff problems.... doing budgets and data bases.. and finally when i can escape i run home to the quiet and the stillness of my lil home and wrap myself up tight in a blanket and let the tears spill over and run down my face.... making it puffy and blotchy ... and oh my god!! so ugly....... and i wish my heart would stop hurting and i wish my stomach would unknot itself.

It all started off with whispered voices from my past.. voices that said i was fat.. and ugly and had way too much interest / need/ desire for sensuality and just plain sex......... and this pain has morphed into the realization that i am failing at being a submissive...... and no no.. don't bother writing to argue the point.. because i know it is true.. Sir has pointed out my failings.. and He is right.....

It would seem i have forgotten the rules........ most of the rules....... and i shouldn't have ... Sir shouldn't have to reinforce them should He? i should remember them.. and follow them and be proud i have rules............. be a graceful gracious subbie.. i keep telling myself swan wouldn't forget the rules.. leesa wouldn't.. kaya wouldn't........ drakor wouldn't......
BUT i have !

i do remember a time when i was frustrated cause i felt as though i was subbing in a vacuum.... and what was the point?? i do remember stopping a lot of the more difficult rules to follow.......... and now .. quite truthfully i have just forgotten them........ how could i do that??? But it doesn't matter how.. it only matters i have.........

Sir says He wonders about this thing called BDSM.... but i know secretly.. He is only wondering about it with regards to me......... because i know He has had no trouble finding energy and interest in whooping another submissive...........

And so it comes back to me......... to my failings and failures ...... and my stubbornness... and my weaknesses... and my wants and my desires and my needs.........

i have failed.

And so i sit and listen to the rain tap tapping on my window............. and wonder what now?

In the quiet of the early morning

It is very early morning... the sky is lightening and the birds are singing (and oh yeah .. the damn cat in heat is screaming outside my bedroom window)

and i have come here... to write... because it seems in the early morning quiet is when the words come.........

i have been thinking these last few days that it has been 8 1/2 years that i have been following rules and routines and protocols set down by Sir... 8 1/2 years !!! i hadn't realized how much of an integral part of my life they had become......... until......... now

i can't honestly tell you what has happened.. what IS happening... perhaps if you read Sir's blog (here) you will get a better picture........ all i know is that for now i am alone....

i sat yesterday staring at the computer - like it was gonna tell me what to do..... sat staring at it frozen like......... and my mind went off on a little tangent...... and i thought to myself .. how many people ... no not people.. how many submissives talk about the shock to the system it is when suddenly with virtually no warning... there are no more rules .. no more protocols.. no more routines to follow. Not many.. there are no suggestions how to make it better.. it is worse than sub drop...... 100 times worse !!! Someone should write about it... talk about.. find some way through the mire....

OH i know Sir would say i am still collared therefore i should still follow the rules .. the protocols .. the routines.......... but why?? that is where i am on this journey right now.. screaming into the computer WHY???

Sir is navel gazing... does He have time for me now?? i think not!!! does He have time to worry if i follow the rules the protocols the routines??? i think not !!

And so i am left without an anchor .. without expectations...

i looked at my favourite vibrator yesterday and thought to myself .. i could.. COULD .. play with myself.. i COULD give myself multiple orgasms if i wanted to.. but i didn't..........

When i go to bed i look at the nighties i have and i thought i could.. COULD .. wear one now if i wanted to........ but i didn't

When i get dressed in the morning i think i could wear a tshirt and shorts and UNDERWEAR if i wanted to....... but i haven't.

i catch myself stopping before entering the living room and think to myself - what the HELL are you doing?? but i still stop.....

the clock ticks off the hours and i find myself planning Sir's next meal...... but i don't cook...........

i have the television clicker to myself.. but i don't watch the shows i would like i find myself watching what we always watch together.........

And i am doing all these things for Him.......because He taught me to........ He beat them into me.........


But now the sun is up... and the words have dried up........ if they were meant to go somewhere i have lost the direction.........

Decision

i was thinking last night....... as i re-read the blog i posted yesterday and all the caring comments that were left........ that i really do show all my bumps and warts on this blog... the good the bad and the ugly - i should change the name to just that The Good .. The Bad.. The Ugly.

And i once vowed that if i couldn't say something nice.. then i shouldn't write here........ cause truthfully .......... my sad tales of woe doesn't make for interesting reading........

And there hasn't been a whole lot of BDSM content around here.. the blog or the house.. for a long while now...........

And there hasn't been any sex around here for a long while now.......

And i feel like i am grasping at straws to come up with some interesting topic

And .. as much as i hate to say it.......... the numbers have dropped off here... which says to me.. The Journey is becoming boring .. repetitive..... and just not worth the space it takes up ........

And so.............. in a knee jerk sort of reaction.......... (which i do do very well ) i have decided to stop writing here ............ mostly...............

Maybe when there is something of interest...... something more than woe's me ........ i will come here in the quiet of the early morning and write...............

But for now............. i will devote my time to closing out the year......... to licking my wounds and taking care of me......

It's been fun folks.......... it has .......... mostly.......

Bumps and warts..

i hear voices... in my head... they have discussions and arguments... and go out of their way to show me how undeserving i am.. how useless i am.. how fat and ugly i am..how old i am... how stupid i am.

i get them all packed up and shut up and hidden away... but somehow they always seem to find a way out .. into my head.. talking and discussing.. and interrupting my life.

When they are holding one of life's .. my life's .. great debates.. i could just stay home.. lock the doors, turn the phones off.. and hide...

BUT ya know .. i can't hide from voices in my head.. no matter how many doors i lock or how many windows i close.. how many walls i hastily throw up.... they are still doing the great debate in my head.

AND it would seem they are onto something this time...

Stupidity......... yeah well who makes 100 certificates without checking the date?? huh huh?? who?? someone stupid does that... yup.... someone stupid..
Fat ........... who would start so many diets they should name one after her and never quite reaches her goals... and falls off the wagon more than she stays on it??
old and useless....... who lets her body fall apart over 50+ years so that a simple task of walking backwards up a set of stairs is like climbing Mount Everest??
old.......... ya only have to look in a mirror to see the effects of 50+ years.. check out the body.. check out the face.. old i say.. very old.. as old as dirt......
sexually unappealing........ take a look .. how many are lining up to "do" ya ?? huh?? HUH?? no one...... absolutely no one... old ugly out of shape and sexually unappealing..

oh yeah the voices are great debaters..... great at stating the obvious.


"i am fighting with myself to get you out of my head, but i am hanging off every word you say"

Nemesis

This appears to be my nemesis this weekend..........





The routine is.. hit till i cry... stop... hug and stroke...go do laundry... hit till i cry .. hug and stroke.. check laundry ..

Do it all again............

Your Mind on drugs..

i really am not sure what has got me on a safety first theme these days....... perhaps it is the re-reading of On The Safe Edge - in preparation for a book review - that has me thinking all about safety and past experiences..

Once a while back.... i was with a Mistress... and ok i admit here for one and all to see... i am a bit naive (ok ok !!! a lot naive) ...... i never realized in the year or so i played with her that she regularly took uppers and downers and other drugs to enhance her BDSM experience. i do know that i have never ever played with anyone who played as hard or as long with little or no thought to me - until it was all over. (thank god i was/am a masochist - cause i could take 99% of what she doled out) It was only after the fact that 'friends' told me she was a regular drug user.

i am thinking it was probably my experience with her that made me very leery of playing with anyone who had to use drugs to enhance the BDSM experience. i remember a submissive who always - and i do mean ALWAYS - smoked up before going out to play ...... as she put it.. she wanted to be half way there before the whooping started.

The worst scene i ever had ....... a few years ago........ was at a private play party. At private parties it is not unheard of for Sir to invite other Doms to play with me. It is something i rather enjoy. But at this particular party, i was in the kitchen with a couple of female Dommes and a couple of other submissives...... and i watched as they all toked up. They even offered it to me. i remember just shaking my head no and being a little - no - a lot!! uncomfortable with the whole thing.

Later on in the evening the two female Dommes wanted to play with me. Sir (who probably wasn't all that aware that they had smoked up ) offered my ass to them. i quickly requested that the play happen right there .. in the middle of the party... with lots of people witnessing it. NOT because i was feeling particularly exhibitionist but because i was feeling very uneasy about 2 high Dommes swinging anything against my ass.

It was - to put it mildly - one of the worst scenes i have ever encountered. No matter how hard they hit.. i could not let go and fly....... i held on with every ounce of determination i had to reality .. cause they scared the hell out of me. Afterwards Sir and i had a long talk ... and He promised i would never have to play with someone who was under the influence of anything !!

Now.. booping around the net... i am reading more and more about something called "poppers" being used to enhance kinky sex scenes.

i tended to read and feel sorry for them that they needed something to enhance an orgasm that for me is soooooo damn good i can't imagine anything making it any better.. nor do i wish to try.

However ....... in this book On the Safe Edge ... i read about poppers. Honestly i didn't have a clue what they were........ but i do now.

The book says: "The effects generally last only a few minutes and include sharp decreased blood pressure, dizziness, and increased body temperature.

Because of their strong dilating abilities, the volatile nitrities are dangerous when used by people with low blood pressure. The after effects include headaches, imparied breathing, and, in some cases heart attack."

WOW !! a simple orgasm isn't enough anymore?? Naturally released endorphins aren't enough anymore??

i don't know folks........ maybe i am just getting old.... (cause there was a time back in the day - when i would toke up with the best of them) but i found my thrill - and not on Blueberry Hill - but at the end of a flogger or whip........... why is it so many need some extra thrill?? some extra danger??

When you or your Dominant is flying high on some chemical stimulant no one is capable of really knowing what is going on.......... to your body.. to your mind........

So thank you but no thank you........ i think i will stick to my good old naturally produced endorphins to find my thrills..........

Old wives tales???

Sir and i are scheduled to go and see a movie this Saturday afternoon......... and last night He made a comment about my wearing clamps on my pussy during the movie..........

What initially hit me over that command was a sadness that i have not lost enough weight yet to get back into my skirts or dresses - clamps and slacks just don't work.

Then this morning while i was drinking my coffee .. i was remembering all the warnings i heard when i was first starting off in this lifestyle.......

like..........

* one should NEVER wear clamps on any part of the body for more than 15 minutes at a time.. then they should be removed .. the blood allowed to flow back for 15 minutes at least before putting the clamps back on........

* one should never insert needles into breast tissue as you run the risk of damaging said tissue and causing cancer cells to form

* one should never bind breasts so tightly that they turn purple - because of the risk of damage to the breast tissue and/or blood clots

* one should never bind the wrists so tight that the hands become blue .... if it should happen then the bindings should be removed immediately.

And on and on the list went.........

In the beginning all these warnings didn't stop me from doing everything... and enjoying it.......... about the only warning that worried me and did stop me .. was the warning about hitting near the spine.. the base of the neck .. and the kidneys...

BUT now i find i am becoming a worry wart............ and yeah yeah i know i should trust Sir to make the right decisions...

BUT .... truthfully here folks .. He isn't a medical doctor.. and in fact most of the warnings weren't written by medical folks...

So ........ are they old wives tales ?? or sincere warnings??

i have taken more than one First Responder's course .. St John's Ambulance course.... and back in the days when we were being taught to use tourniquets we were lectured over and over about making sure we released the pressure every 15 minutes to allow blood flow........ so maybe there is some truth behind the releasing clamps every 15 minutes to prevent blood clots??

i do know i have a growth - a cyst - on the back of my left hand. When i asked the doctor what it was and how i got it... she responded with "you must have banged the back of your hand very hard.. or somehow stressed the tendon in that hand, causing the cyst to grow."

Well it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what i had done........ Sir would bind my wrists to the chains in the ceiling and a scene would start..... if the scene went well (by my standards) i would virtually be hanging by my wrists....... sometimes even dropping suddenly jerking the hands/wrists........ so there ya have it.. severe stress to the tendons in the hand.......... and the resulting cyst that will one day have to be removed.

So ......... getting back to clamps and things..... old wives tales??? or truth??

And what's to be done about it.......... 15 minutes in clamps never feels all that long......... does one roll the dice and go for it?? throw caution to the wind?? or does one err on the side of caution???

It is weird .. the older i get .. the more i want to err on the side of caution.. and the more i bemoan the loss of youth....... and daring adventure......

Memories.

It was 15 years ago today that my mother died.


Despite everything i have gone through .. during her illness.. and immediately following her death........ i felt for some reason ... that this year.. i had to acknowledge her ...........





Rest in peace mom.

Green eyed monster

i am not entirely sure what got me going the other day......... about being a sex slave.. some blog i read.. or some article.. or some book........ But it has been playing on my mind a bit (ok ok a lot!!)

i have always had a little fantasy about being a sex slave - not to many - but to one. i always day dreamed about how exciting it would be to be used and abused .. constantly.. all the time.. every day.

i used to think that when Sir and i had time alone... without outside influences that it would happen...... i daydreamed about going to BDSM camp cause well if you can't be a sex slave at BDSM camp where can you be one???!! i even brought vibrators and dildos the first time we went. BUT it didn't happen.

As time has passed... that fantasy has dwindled i guess. i think about it less and less.... and the wanting has dwindled.

Until the other day when i read whatever it was that i read about being a sex slave and whooooooosh the feelings were back.

Then to add insult to injury i read a couple of blogs that talked about how much sex they were enjoying/getting......... and god forgive me but i had a little attack of the green eyed monster.

Today i did some major rationalizing........ slapped myself upside the head a couple of times.. and thought about something i had read on kaya's blog. She was talking about being under the desk. Now for those of you who don't read kaya and don't know about "under the desk".. i will explain......... when her Master is horny and reading porn/looking at porn.. He throws her under the desk.. between His legs.. and fucks her while He reads/looks.

i have always thought how wonderful that would be....... to be fucked senseless with no lovey dovey stuff.......... until kaya talked about how boring it can be.... and how she wishes she could take a book with her when she goes "under the desk" .

Whoa........ a book?? and i caught myself thinking... 'damn girl you don't know how lucky you are...... to be used and abused at His will'........... BUT then i realized.. maybe too much of a good thing is indeed boring !! and maybe i would be moaning for a book too........

So i am trying to stuff the green eyed monster back where he belongs.. buried deep inside .. behind all the other crap that doesn't need to be looked at constantly and moaned over...

i am trying................