A Day off.....

i am sitting out here in my secret garden... on my wicker chair with the red cushions.. under my red umbrella.. enjoying my red accent flowers in the garden.,.. listening to the birds singing.. the squirrels playing tag....... and realizing summer is so close i can taste it.......

There are a whole mess of words/thoughts flying through my head... but i am hesitant to write some of them... because when i am working things out... when the hurt is done and the work begins.. i tend to go inwards and quiet.

BUT i did want to say a word or two on 'rules' ....... something i have alluded to in past blog entries..

we all use words/terms that have meaning for us.. but may not hold the same meaning for you.. or others...

A good example is when i talk about the voices i hear... no i don't actually "hear" voices.. i do however remember words spoken in past relationships...which .. if i start on that topic will end me up on a tangent meant for another day.......

So back to rules

Perhaps they aren't rules so much as expectations Sir has ........

an expectation that i won't argue with every single thing He suggests/says..

or the expectation that i will wear the leather collar He had made for me..

or the expectation that i will report when i am home safe and sound..

or ask for permission to spend money on trivial items..

or take care of His dietary needs as well as His medicines ...

or do what He asks of me immediately without a debate..

or have interesting meals ready at the proper time..


in a nutshell .. to be gracious and graceful and submissive.

Once upon a time.. .a therapist suggested that perhaps my relationships were all pretty much the same.. because i kept repeating patterns....

Once upon a time.. my mother used to say that i couldn't be right all the time and everyone else wrong all the time..

i think my mother had it right.. and the therapist wrong..



It isn't easy to admit to the 'world' that i have screwed up in a big way.. it isn't easy to admit to Sir that i have (once again) screwed up in a big way........ but it is even more difficult to admit to myself that i have been wrong.,, more than once.. and it is time to suck it up.. take responsibility for my mistakes and bloody FIX them !!


And that is what i have been thinking in my secret garden.. under the red umbrella surrounded by red flowers and singing birds.......