Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Bumps and warts..

i hear voices... in my head... they have discussions and arguments... and go out of their way to show me how undeserving i am.. how useless i am.. how fat and ugly i am..how old i am... how stupid i am.

i get them all packed up and shut up and hidden away... but somehow they always seem to find a way out .. into my head.. talking and discussing.. and interrupting my life.

When they are holding one of life's .. my life's .. great debates.. i could just stay home.. lock the doors, turn the phones off.. and hide...

BUT ya know .. i can't hide from voices in my head.. no matter how many doors i lock or how many windows i close.. how many walls i hastily throw up.... they are still doing the great debate in my head.

AND it would seem they are onto something this time...

Stupidity......... yeah well who makes 100 certificates without checking the date?? huh huh?? who?? someone stupid does that... yup.... someone stupid..
Fat ........... who would start so many diets they should name one after her and never quite reaches her goals... and falls off the wagon more than she stays on it??
old and useless....... who lets her body fall apart over 50+ years so that a simple task of walking backwards up a set of stairs is like climbing Mount Everest??
old.......... ya only have to look in a mirror to see the effects of 50+ years.. check out the body.. check out the face.. old i say.. very old.. as old as dirt......
sexually unappealing........ take a look .. how many are lining up to "do" ya ?? huh?? HUH?? no one...... absolutely no one... old ugly out of shape and sexually unappealing..

oh yeah the voices are great debaters..... great at stating the obvious.

"i am fighting with myself to get you out of my head, but i am hanging off every word you say"


  1. Perhaps you r voice should improve their vision so they woudl see your accomplishments. Then they just might see the beauty in you , the vitality and the inteligence. But if not and they want some thing to look at tth is pretty I cold always come over and wash a floor or two then you can see my pretty ass, lol lighten up kid there are many more who smile beacuse of you we are just not as vocal as your voices.

  2. morningstar .... where you see stupidity, I see just an *oops*, where you see fat I see a body that is exquisitely rounded and all woman, where you see old and useless I see wisdom and eager to share of your experiences and teach, where you see old I see maturity and a life LIVED, where you see sexually unappealing, I see a very sexual and sensual being.

    But, it matters not what I see, but what you see.
    If I could, I would hold you up to mirror and let you see, through my eyes, how beautiful, insightful and inspirational you are ... inside and out.

    Be kind to yourself ...

  3. You must be talking about someone else.

  4. Perhaps they are not voices "in your head" but voices from outside -- the same voices that tell us all that thin, young, inexperienced, naive, selfish, and self-absorbed are the traits that add up to beauty and worth.

    You know, in the moments when you are sane and serene, that those unfriendly and dishonest voices are not to be accommodated. So, I'd imagine you are feeling "off balance" just now. Hang on, my friend, we "old broads" don't stay wobbly for long. You know your beauty and your worth. Nevermind the mistakes and nevermind the signs that you've done some living. What those who love you see is far more interesting than all that airbrushed and plasticized "beauty" could ever be.

    Hugs, swan

  5. I wish I could offer words of wisdom - words which would take away the hurt, assuage the self-loathing - becuase if it were someone else, you would be the FIRST one to point out all the obvious things - like how insightful you are, how your sense of humour is utterly dlightful, how your submission is to be admired and your continued exploration of your limits, your willingness to keep reaching are just awe inspiring And your skin is lovely, your hair so pretty, you ARE lovely - and I wish I could convince you of that.

    But those same voices are in my head and when we're feeling that way, no one can convince us.


  6. Anonymous7:30 pm

    ah little one -- you aren't old -- if you are, then i am (i'm older than you), and heh, i AM NOT old. i'm dancing to Nickelback!

    You are getting a wonderful beating then taking care of the laundry, repeat until all clothes are clean!

    It's not easy, but it's so much fun!

    Try to ignore the voices, and if you can't, drown them out with your fave dance music. i'll loan you my iPod shuffle!

    hope things are better soon.
    Sir's pet


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