fragile

i am feeling very fragile.......... the reasons aren't really important to this blog....... and i realize there is nothing anyone can do or say to make it better.......... but it is interesting to me how one's feelings can alter a session............

Yesterday Sir (without warning) grabbed a handful of hair and quick marched me down to the playroom and strung me up from the chains in the ceiling.. blindfolded me.. and just got down to "business"....... i was hurting so badly inside that it was like i didn't even feel the strokes or the stripes........ i wanted each stripe .. each stroke to hurt more than the last.. to open me up wide and let all the pain inside of me escape......... Sir obliged - though He has (i guess "had" is a better word seeing as He will know when He reads this) no idea how much pain was inside of me... how much i hurt.... how broken i felt.........

Sir was relentless .. over and over again.. using the worst of the toys... laying into my ass my back my thighs my breasts my pussy with everything He had.......... with all that was inside of Him.....i had stripes across my body........ and bruises (my god bruises! all over my ass when i went to bed)......... and i cried and sobbed.. and wanted nothing more than His strong arms around me... making everything alright again.........

He did wrap His arms around me... and did hold me tight... while my back burned and my pussy twitched.. and my ass hurt.... but inside .. deep inside there was a burning ache that nothing touched........ i feel shattered ... held together by a wisp of .. i do not know what...

i am fragile.....

Oriental part 3

On Saturday evening Cloud/drakor came over for a little visit ...he had made prior arrangements with Sir for a mini photo shoot. It was a strange evening....... something i have never experienced before.....it was all a little surreal........

Sir had received some pictures of chopsticks used as clamps and i had showed some interest in the pictures......... While Sir and drakor were having coffee and discussing life in general..... Sir had sent me off to find some chopsticks and elastics. At this point it felt a little like a game..... i found the chopsticks (3 sets) and went through the elastics finding 6 small white ones. i said i wanted everything to be esthetic.. ??!!! What was i thinking???? Honestly it was like a game.. i was being left to get things organised for my own session...... very weird!!

When we went downstairs to the dungeon... this planning of mine didn't stop.. i wanted to know where would be a good place for me to lie so that i wouldn't be in the way of the photo shoot......... i wanted a pillow so my head would be elevated and i could watch the picture taking (of drakor not me)...

Sir had me lie down... and He prepared the chopsticks and fastened them on to my pussy first.. then to my nipples..... the nipple ones hurt.. and i got a fit of the giggles - which happens occasionally when my breasts/nipples are being used and abused (sorry Lady Baltimore - couldn't think of a better description) While this was going on.. i noticed that drakor was just sitting watching.. and i suggested that he better strip........ i suggested??!! What WAS that about???

When Sir had finished arranging the chopsticks on me.. He got busy snapping pictures and oh yeah..scolding me cause i wasn't shaved......... i was told to hold my breath (which meant i had to control the giggles) and click click flash flash pictures were taken. Sir stood up and told drakor to strip so that He could get on with the photo shoot.

While Sir was taking the pictures of drakor .. i was left lying in the corner giggling over the pain.. and the mental images i had of the chopsticks on me. Every once in a while i would lift my head a little bit to catch a glimpse of Sir working with drakor. Sir has on occasion taken pictures of other subs.. He has even .. on occasion.. played with other subs while i watched.. but this was so different !!! And yet even today...... 3 days later i can not for the life of me figure out what was different.

i found it amusing to see drakor humiliated by some of the pictures.. the measuring tape one and the ass one in particular....... it was like i was reveling in his humiliation.. i have experienced this man dole out humiliation and pain to His subs........ i have seen him being used by female Dommes........... but i have never been as aware as i was on Saturday evening of his humiliation. You can read drakor's description of the session here. It made me wiggle and made my stomach clinch... and all of it made me more aware that i was being ignored... not forgotten.. just ignored.. and i adored it !!!

Too soon it was all over and Sir came and cut off the elastics enjoying the springing off of the chopsticks and my screeches .......... but i am still left feeling that the whole evening was a little bit like Alice through the Looking Glass....

For Your viewing pleasure...........

This may look not so bad.. but trust me when i say OUCH !!!! (mind you .. i am a big wimp when it comes to my nipples..... )

Now for some reason.. i do not have the same reaction to clamps on my pussy as i do on my nipples............ and honestly i was disappointed when Sir removed these chopsticks... i loved the pulsing feeling that i got from being clamped so tightly.........

(i AM blushing to post a picture of when i was hairy....... mind you that was remedied last evening - Sir ordered me to shave myself .... kaya.. how DO you get such good photos of yourself??? i must have taken 40 pictures to get one that was decent to send to Sir for His "inspection")

i have posted the original chopstick pictures to my photojournal..

On contemplating my navel.......

This morning i was scheduled for some tests at the hospital to try and pinpoint the source of my "mystery" pain.... Now the last time i had this pain was two years ago........ this time was worse - by a mile!! and lasted almost a full month - on and off.. But it has been a full 2 months without any MAJOR pains.... ( i say major cause Sir insists i had some pain a month ago........ but some pain is NOT major pain!!) and maybe it will be another 2 years before i have it again........ so this morning i wondered why i was going through the test........... i tried to ignore the fact both Sir and my doctor insisted....

Anyway.......... 10 am found me stripped naked to the waist in one of those "designer" shirt things that tie in the back.. lying on some hard metal examining table in a darkened room with lots of equipment and wires and stuff...... the tech came in and made a joke about the ultra sound and maybe finding out i was pregnant.. (not a particularily funny joke) .. then he smeared that gel........ that yucky gooey gel they use when taking an ultrasound.... and as he is smearing.. he says .. nonchantly........ "it is going to get warm." Now folks .. i have this thing (we have talked about this before) about KY jelly.. so i must like yucky gooey stuff right?? and i ADORE the new KY warming jelly... so how difficult is this gonna be???

VERY!

First of all ..no matter how hard i try to experience it as KY jelly......... i can't get past the yucky gooey feeling all over my belly ... then the tech starts using the roller mouse thing on my belly and the warm gooey yucky stuff suddenly gets HOT... and i do mean HOT! First it's lie on your left side.. and the gooey stuff gets to run down my left side.. then it's lie on your back while more gooey yucky stuff is added and then it's lie on your right side so the gooey yucky stuff can run down the right side... i am lying there staring off into space .. taking big breaths and holding it (like a good lil subbie) until the tech finally remembers to tell me to breath... just before i turned blue and passed out i might add! Then the tech is finished.. but tells me to lie still till the Radiologist comes in... and the tech leaves.. and leaves the door open............ Now i have a coolish breeze blowing across my wet belly.. chilling the warm gooey yucky stuff..... how pleasant !!

Finally i am told to dress and i will hear from my doctor in a week or two......... can i have another towel?? grudgingly i am given one .. if they could find a smaller towel i would like to see it........ and i do the best i can to wipe up all the remaining goo and get my pants pulled back up.. my sweater on.. and get the devil outta there and find my first cup of morning coffee.. (have i ever told you i HAVE to have coffee in the mornings before i can function?? )

At one point back at school i am sitting .. sorta contemplating my navel.......... when i discovered .. much to my horror.. that my belly button was FULL of this gooey yucky stuff....

tests and hospitals and mystery pains.............. and gooey stuff stuck in my navel........ Happy Monday!!!

X-rated

This is your only warning....... my post today is going to be graphic .. Xrated.. if you don't wish to read this (yeah right!!!) please move along....... (cheeky grin)

Yes cheeky grin! i am feeling very cheeky today.... it has been a good weekend so far.. Sir caned me on Friday night.. so long and so hard that my ass has ridges....and He whipped me on Saturday........

But on Saturday morning..... after i had written my private journal to Him.. i did something i rarely do.. i asked for permission (and it was granted) to crawl back into bed with Sir for a little snuggle...... Not long after i was safely wrapped up in the covers...... i heard the words "Service Me"... i looked at Sir.... i must have had question marks all over my face........ i hadn't heard those words in forever...

But it didn't take forever for me to slide down His body and bring my tongue out .... with a wicked glint in my eye i started to lick His cock like one would a lollipop... i was watching Him over the top of His cock... and mumbled out .. "yummy .. licking my lollipop" which brought an amused grin to Sir's face.. i closed my eyes and just enjoyed the feeling of His cock in my mouth........ the skin of Sir's cock is soft as silk.. (i don't have a whole lot of experience with male cocks .. so perhaps every male cock is smooth and soft as silk) i held His cock near the base.. tight.. making the blood pump through to the tip..... and i slowly lowered my mouth down over that tip...... running my tongue around and around it.. teasing it.. feeling the whole cock twitch just slightly....

i love to pull my mouth off the cock (still keeping one hand tight around the base) then bring my open mouth down barely touching the tip...and then clamping closed around the tip and sliding my mouth down the cock rotating it around the cock one way.. while my tongue swirls around it in the opposite direction... i love to bring my open mouth down the cock.. without closing my lips around it... letting my warm breath caress the skin......... then at the very last minute - before my mouth collides with my hand and the bottom of the shaft - i close my lips tight around Sir's cock and slide back up quickly.. i love to worship Sir's cock.. in my own way .. teasing Him .. feeling Him grow hard and large in my mouth...... always holding tight to the bottom of the shaft.. Sir's very own cock ring.. my hand! And when i can play no longer i look up at Sir and whisper.... asking permission to sit astride this silky cock that is vibrating on it's own.. pulsing... and yesterday Sir granted the permission...... and i slid down slowly.. feeling it enter and probe its way through me.. it was like the cock and cunt were becoming reacquainted after a long sabbatical .. i tighten the muscles that line my cunt pulling Sir's cock deeper into me... holding it tight.. i begin to move up and down .. ever so slowly... feeling every inch of the cock.. feeling every inch of my cunt ... feeling the prickly hair surrounding Sir's cock tickling my clit..

and oh my god !! it was the most wonderful feeling...

(there is more to come...... but i need a coffee... and time to regroup my thoughts)

X-rated part 2

Later in the afternoon.. after a morning filled with running messages and shopping.. i was curled up on my big cushion at Sir's feet .. lying on my stomach .. nose pressed into a book reading.......... when Sir picked up the snake whip and started to raise welts over my ass.. down my thighs.. making me squirm and wiggle and moan......... i have this "trick" when i am on my cushion.. a way of making the pain more bearable.. i rub my clit jewelry on the roughness of the cushion... wiggle wiggle.. Sir broke off whipping me and knelt down to run His hands over the welts.. feel the heat generated by the whip.. sliding His fingers between my legs.. into the wetness that is spilling out of me....




And then sliding His thumb into me... His thumb that knows the way to the dimple .. knows just the right way to rub into the dimple.. me feeling the waves and waves of pleasure building .... feeling my body twitch and jerk and wiggle even more.. and i can barely catch my breath.. my mind is reeling.. floating.. not focusing... and i barely gasp out "permission to cum please Sir" and simultaneously as the permission is granted my body is arching and writhing and i am cumming with loud moans of pleasure.......... and i am ejaculating.. and ejaculating and all my juices are puddling on the cushion and soaking into it.. and still i am arching and writhing.. and even before the last wave of pleasure is finished i am crying and turning and flinging myself into Sir's arms... surprising Him with my tears ....... my gasping breathless "thank you Sir.. ohhhhhhh thank You Sir!!" and then my surprise - always surprise - that i have created a flood and am sitting in a puddle...

But before my mind can honestly register the depth and breadth of my orgasm.. Sir pushes me back down to lie in the wetness.. lifting a leg high and jamming His hand back into me.. pounding me harder and faster.. demanding another orgasm and yet another.. until i no longer have any control over my body .. and it shakes and writhes and pounds the cushion .. splashing in the puddle...

There is a part 3 .. but not so X-rated.. more "oriental" but i will leave that for another time............

Just a little fun

Where is Your Ideal Fantasy Spanking Location?

Deep within the dungeon of an ancient castle is your ideal fantasy spanking location. The smell of aged leather... The clank of the heavy chains... Before the night is done, you will experience new dimensions of both pain aned pleasure.
Take this quiz!








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Bouncing Ball

It has been awhile since i put everyone through one of my "bouncing ball" posts...... so i didn't think anyone would mind too terribly much.........

kaya wrote an excellent blog today (gold star kaya !!) that gave me much to think about....... there was one thought from today's blog that has been nagging at me...
to quote her......... "I had expected some pictures or video clips of s&m pornography. Things that would make both of us horny, inspire sessions of pain and torture and maybe some ideas of new positions, techniques, toys, etc. " Then i took a peak at some comments on Sir’s blog and Lady Baltimore said something to the effect of "getting some ideas from my photojournal".... now why am i rambling about all this?? Because once upon a time..i pointed out something in a blog that a Master had done to His sub and kinda hinted that i would like to try it.. and Sir said He couldn't "steal" an idea from another Dom..... ok ok very honorable Sir......... BUT this subbie lil brain kept asking "why not???" Today kinda made me ask again.. "why not??"..... why the hell NOT take ideas from the net? Afterall isn't it a tool?? a way to educate oneself?? a way to entertain oneself?? Who said one person had to have all original ideas?? i am thinking maybe we need another internet challenge..... kinda like the toothpick one that never started off as a challenge.. but landed up being one.. ok who's up for a new challenge??

And then our friend Cloud put up a blog about what He is looking for in a Domme.. (ok now before everyone gets terribly confused He is a switch..) that made me stop and think .. about what i looked for in a Dominant way back when .. my greatest fear has always been that i would find someone who.. once they had strong feelings for me.. or loved me.. wouldn't or couldn't hit me anymore..(it has happened to me!!) now trust me when i say .. that can be a HUGE disappointment. Now what kind of criteria is that for a search?? someone who won't land up loving me enough that He can't hit me anymore???!!!

Then swan posted about being tickled.. and how she didn't break down and accept a paddling instead of a tickling.. BUT in the end she still got paddled.. and i couldn't help but think.. sometimes we subbies are damned if we do and damned if we don't.. and ain't that GRAND!!!

and oh yeah.. the last point ........... for this time........... i posted some more chastity pics over on the photojournal page.......... do ya think i am kinda on a theme there??
Chastity ........ sucks!

Spring a time for new beginnings

i love flowers....... i would fill my house with flowers every day of every week if i could...... Spring flowers are the best flowers .. they speak of new beginnings.. new hope............ My girls brought me yellow daisies and yellow tulips to fill the house on Easter..........

Sir brought me yet another hibiscus tree...... the third one...... i seem to have no talent for growing hibiscus.... i managed to kill the last two.......... i love them to death i think.......

And my youngest daughter brought an extra guest for dinner........

new hope for new beginnings......... due in October...

Easter is truly a time of new beginnings.. new hopes.. new life............

frustration

Frustration with a capital "F".. that is what i am feeling today. i wrote earlier in the week that i have this massive attack of spring fever... makes me horny.. makes me climb walls.. makes me want and need and crave.......... AND i have 5 whole days off from school........ AND Sir was with me from Friday until today around 3pm... which in my imagination meant lots and lots of all that good stuff.. whips and floggers and ropes and sex.. yeah glorious sex.. lots of messy wet dripping sex....

Now the reality is....... Sir does not have spring fever.. not even a mild dose....... how come we are seldom if ever on the same page???? it is so damn frustrating!!!! The reality of the situation is.. on Friday night when Sir tucked me into bed, He used the leather tawse and the small purple flogger for all of 5 minutes on my ass.. then He fucked me and gave me one amazing orgasm...... and then turned the lights off..... and i was left thinking.. "ok not a bad start for the weekend .......... i guess"....

Saturday morning we spent running some errands... getting stuff for my secret garden.... and rushing home to get ready for our Easter celebrations with the kids....... Sunday was spent quietly.. watching tv mostly.. and then sometime around mid afternoon i rolled over on my stomach to read...... and Sir got up and got some needles .. and proceeded to stick needles into all the most sensitive places He could find... He made me yelp and cry and wiggle..... BUT after only a few short minutes He removed the needles and returned to His favourite spot on the sofa.........

Monday ... well Sir took me out for lunch.......... and then Cloud came by for coffee and a visit and Sir had to leave to go to work........... and that was my weekend..

Now a good submissive/slave would not complain right?? a good submissive/slave would not be frustrated............ see where this equation is going?? ......... therefore i can NOT be a good submissive/slave....... and it makes me want to cry... silly female.. always crying........ always wanting and needing and craving........ BUT i do remember kaya saying once......... "You made me an endophin junkie.... now feed the habit" (or something along those lines)....... but now i am scared too........ i am scared i am failing in some basic way with Sir.......... and i am scared if the day ever does come again when Sir wants to use and abuse me......... i will be one big wimpering messy lump ............. i am scared ... and frustrated.. and suffering with spring fever...........

Words and Words are all we have...

Words.. they amaze me sometimes... how simple words can make me jump.. make my heart pound.. or they can make me cry .. make me laugh.. make me run scared.. BUT the written word is even - at times - more moving... especially.. when like Sir and i ..you do not live with your Master. Yesterday when i got home there was an email "task" from Sir.. He was going out for dinner.. and i guess my blog post about His not being a mind reader... and being a GOS.. kinda ruffled His feathers a little bit....... one word was used frequently in that email....... the word "cunt". Simple word really when you look at.. 4 simple letters.. yet they had the most unnerving reaction on me... my knees went weak.. my stomach clenched.. my "cunt" started to twitch. i seldom if ever use such words... neither does Sir for that matter.. yet He used it yesterday.. and it made my world spin out of control....

i went to Sir's blog .. as is my habit when i start checking all the blogs.. i always start with Sir's.. and there in big letters for one and all to see was His email task to me!!! He made the whole of me become just a "cunt" .. a horny cunt at that!! i felt myself blushing.. why for god's sakes??!! i had started the whole thing by posting that i was horny....... wasn't that more information than was necessary to put out there for the "world" to see??? Yet Sir's blog was blunt and to the point.. no nice words.. no jokes.. the truth for all to see.

NOW i know i bitched that masturbating without an order.. without some frills thrown in for good measure just didn't cut it anymore..BUT having to masturbate every hour??!! and as i explained to Sir.. every hour from when?? i started at 5:00 p.m and at 5:10 i had my first orgasm.. and i did text message Him the message......."Sir, i have fucked my horny cunt and i thank you for allowing me to cum." (god that was hard to write.. i felt such humiliation.. i was just a horny cunt.. !!! ) BUT now i was wondering do i masturbate again at 6:00 or 6:10.... if i started at 6.. it hadn't been a full hour.. (and as the first one was more like an explosion that soaked the comforter and the sheets .. i knew all further ones would be hard fought and won) if i started at 6:10 and each one took longer and longer to achieve then i wasn't gonna ever get out off the bed.......ughhhhh.. no matter which way i looked at it.. this was Mission Impossible.. Sir was right when He said .. "it would make me think twice about thinking He doesn't know my needs"......... and each orgasm was harder and harder to achieve!! (thank goodness for KY .. the warming kind.. for one of the orgasms i had to produce that warming jelly and it had just the right effect.. enough burn to grab my attention and make my insides clench ohhhhhhh so nicely never mind the fact i have this THING for KY .. ok ok i know it is weird.. but i love having lubricating jelly used on me.. makes me feel so naughty!! and no i have no idea where that came from) And folks.. do NOT .. i repeat do NOT try and masturbate right after eating... i think there should be a rule like there is for swimming.. one must wait one hour before entering the bedroom - toy in hand. i got such a stitch in my side from that orgasm!!! ugh it felt awful..........

oh yeah.. and there is one other tidbit i noticed about this hourly masturbation plan........ this morning my shoulders and the muscles in my ass ache!! i feel as though i have done a major work out!!! AND Sir arrives this afternoon for the holiday weekend......... and i just have this gut feeling that He hasn't finished with His "cunt" just yet..........(and secretly the thought thrills me!)

Spring Fever

i have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me.. (besides this spring cold/bug i managed to catch off the kids and staff at work ) ... i have been antsy.. fidgety.. and needy......i haven't felt much like reading my blogs.. i haven't felt much like cleaning the house or doing any of the household tasks......

What i have been is horny..... with a capital H. Spring is in the air.. and for as long as i can remember the smell of spring.. the feel of spring on my skin... has made me climb the walls with an almost animal desire for sex. This week my clit jewelry (which for the most part goes unnoticed ) has been rolling around and stimulating me till i am about ready to explode. Tonight Sir is out working.. He called before He left.. i almost asked for permission to bring out my favourite vibrator.. (hell i almost asked to bring out ALL the vibrators) and masturbate to my heart's content. BUT i didn't. Somehow i expected Him to know i am climbing the walls.. and of course because He didn't know.. because He didn't anticipate my need.... i am now sulking!! Yeah yeah i know... Sir is NOT a mind reader.. and it would have been so simple to ask for permission.... so why didn't i??

i have been sitting here trying to unravel that mystery. i think.. part of the reason is.. i didn't want Him to grant the permission... (yeah yeah i know .. doesn't make any sense to me either!!) And knowing my Sir.. and how everyone tends to call Him GOS ('good old Sir' - for those of you who don't know Him) i felt He would probably give me permission to masturbate .. with any or all of my toys.
The second reason i didn't ask Him was because .. well.... it really just isn't much fun to masturbate these days without some twist .. like masturbate but don't cum.. or masterbate on Mr Mat.. or some such thing..... and if Sir hadn't given me any stipulations on how to masturbate.. then it would be for my enjoyment and that just isn't any fun anymore...
(ok ok have i lost everyone now?? )

Spring fever........... anyone got a cure??

Oh yeah.. and before i forget.. i have posted to the photojournal again........

Guilty feelings

This latest meme - the 6 question one - made me realize how bad i am at commenting or interacting with most of the blogs that i read........ and i am embarassed. i love to have comments on my blog.. and yet i am not returning the favour....... Most of the time it is because i have absolutely no pearls of wisdom.. or cheeky assed thoughts to leave behind...

And so i am apologising right here .. right now.. to :

kaya who is having some troubles with mixing her vanilla life with her BDSM one... something i understand cause that is how i have always had to live it.. mixing one world with the other.. and struggling... on Friday's some times it is so difficult to change hats.. from bossy lady to bossed lady....... i know how difficult it is kaya..... and yet i have no words of wisdom.. only a "i know how it feels" to offer up to you........

swan - who is struggling with health issues.. who always seems to know just the right things to say to me to bring me comfort and some reassurance that there is really a light at the end of the tunnel...... and i have left nothing for you.... i wish you only good things.. and a promise for a return of all that you miss .. in some form or other.... i do know my greatest fear is losing the "desire" .. the wetness (to be blunt) .. the visible signs that i am still all woman.. with desires and needs..... growing old is not for the faint of heart..... and sometimes .. just sometimes .. it irks to read all these blogs of healthy 20/30 somethings ... so i find ...each time i read you.. a kindred spirit.. a woman who has lived and really understands the ups and downs of life! you have lifted my spirit so many times .. i only wish i could return the favour!

kethry who started the 6 question meme for me... and i couldn't even come up with 6 questions for you .......... i felt so guilty .. i kept promising i would come up with some .. tomorrow... only tomorrow came and went with no questions...
and i always mean to offer some support for your struggles with the baby issues.. with the weight loss issues.. with the vandals.. with all the struggles you have..... and yet the words do not seem to come.. and if they do.. they sound so trite .. i tend to erase them ... bad me!!

ling who has just been through major surgery and i didn't even find two minutes to post a "get well quick" post......... shame on me!! i am still here.. still cheering you on... still enjoying your posts... even if i am negligent about posting even a word or two.......

and magdala... who is struggling back from a hiatus from blogging.. who posted the 6 questions and i asked not a one...... not even a word about how glad i was to see you coming back......... about how much i have missed your posts... your insights into life...... no words of sympathy for the hard times you are struggling through........

Jo - who has had her own unique struggles of late..... who finds a minute or two in her busy hectic life to leave me comments from time to time... who even managed to come out to a munch and meet Sir and i in real life......... no excuse for my not leaving you a comment.. only that again i had no words of wisdom to leave behind...

and to all the other bloggers that i read - please know i smile when you smile.. and feel your pain .. your tears when times are tough........

It's Sunday??

West Wing is on so it must be Sunday night right??? which means the weekend is over and somewhere in the recesses of my mind are memories of the time flown by....

The weekend is a blur.... i remember Sir playing with me on Saturday and i remember it hurting!! god how it hurt.. and i remember Sir whispering in my ear "can't you say anything other than OUCH?" and i do remember obliging Him with some descriptive 4 letter words....... i remember not being able to identify the toy He was using.. and wondering why it was so damn important to me to know which toy was causing which sensation......... it hurt.. with a capital "H"... what else mattered??

i didn't hear the fairies but i did regress to my 4 year old alter ego.. whining and wanting juice.. i can remember thinking my ass is bruised i can feel the bruise.. and being cranky and pouty cause i also knew that the damn bruise was NOT going to show..

Sunday is always our quiet day.. right?? yes .. it is!! a quiet day. But this afternoon Sir decided that we would visit the playroom again.. only this time.. this time!! He wanted to insert the new hand carved wooden butt plug complete with horse tail .......... oh my god !!!! My legs would barely hold me as i stumbled down the stairs.. have i written about my hatred of butt plugs?? yeah i know i have!! And this one .. trust me folks in my opinion.. is monstrous !!!! HUGE!!! BIGGER than huge.. and Sir was gonna put that into me???



(now stop chuckling those of you who are anal aficionados - this IS monstrous to me!) To make matters worse .. Sir had pulled out the spanking bench........ i HATE the spanking bench almost as much as i hate butt plugs and anal play!! Sir was "kind" to me... (He said) as He did not tie me to the bench - but allowed me to dangle over the bench..

Now He did attempt to insert the above mentioned hand carved wooden butt plug complete with horse tail and i did my darndest to not cry out.. or bitch at Him.. or say any of kaya's safe words (like stop Mother blankety blank blank... or fuck fuck fuckety fuck fuck!) Sir did praise me for taking as much as i could.... and then rewarded me with another session!! It was a reward right??? sighhhh...

And remember that bruise i mentioned from Saturday that i knew.. JUST knew.. wasn't gonna show.. well i was right - it doesn't show. And Sir took extra pleasure in aiming and hitting the spot that i showed Him should be sporting a big black and blue bruise!!!! And oh it hurt......... hurt so good!!!

And now West Wing is on.. so it must be Sunday night .................

Q & A

i decided to take the questions and repost them to one blog entry (ok ok it is a rather long one) and save everyone from having to hunt to find the questions / and or answers.......... thank you everyone who asked me questions..

pet said...
1. is Sir your first Master?
yes Sir is my first actual MASTER.. i have had 2 Mistresses before Him and one trainer "Lula"

2. how were you introduced to this lifestyle?
first by reading books..... daydreaming about this "fictional" life...... then via the internet.. then meeting people in the lifestyle.

3. what is your favorite aspect of this lifestyle?
boy that is a tough one..... probably the challenges....... to keep my bratty self under control.. to accept what comes without question....... giving up control

4. what's your favorite toy?
hands down............ the circus whip

5. how did you come by your name?
morningstar to me was the last star still shining as the day dawned.. i had spent so much of my life plugging along... and i was still hanging in there........ despite everything.. so it seemed appropriate to me to be "morningstar"

6. favorite scene?
gosh.. i don't think i have a favourite scene per say......... i love when Sir pushes my limits.. i love being a little bit scared.. like the time He did wax play and then pulled the knife out and was removing the wax from my nipples........
i love when i fly high and long and hear my fairies and dance along the rainbows.. anything that gets me there is probably my favourite..

ke`chara{BP} said...
1. what's your favorite breakfast?
i HATE breakfast.. only since i have been with Sir do i try and choke something down....... usually it is a glass of juice......... cup of coffee and a toasted bagel with honey

2. what would be the worst job you could possibly do?
sitting at a desk all day .. crunching numbers.......
geeeeeeeeee .. that is what i do - most of the time!

3. if you could have any pet animal, no matter how expensive, ridiculous, whatever, what would it be?
cats..... i have two and absolutely adore them......... i love their independence .. arrogance.. and how they melt when i scratch under their chins.....

4. if you could have any book anywhere verbally read out to you, by anyone - what book would it be and who by?
"Oh the Places You will go" by Dr Seuss .. read by Himself of course!

"so be sure when you step
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act"

5. if an angel said to you: you could have anything you wanted BUT you would have to give up something that really means a lot to you, what would it be that you would want, and what would you be willing to give up for it?
Know what?? i honestly believe i have everything i want/need .. so if the angel asked.. i would suggest she go and visit someone much more needy than me......and probably a whole lot more clever........

6. if someone said to you: "purple dinosaur".. what would you think?
silliness.. and fun.. and children's laughter


ling said...
1) Favorite guilty pleasure?
Truthfully i gave up feeling guilty over pleasure a long time ago........

2) Three songs that give insight into your personality?
18 till I die - Bryan Adams
Angel - Melissa Ethridge
You've got a friend - Carole King

3) If you could be any fictional character who would it be?
Peter Pan - he didn't want to grow up either

4) What color is your hair?
i believe they call it salt and pepper - i call it 'old'

5) What extra curricular activities did you take in college?
Radio - two handed touch football - basketball

6) If you had to choose one drink for the rest of your life what would it be?
French Vanilla coffee

Lady Baltimore said...
1. Do you have any tatoos?
Yes i have 2......... i have a celtic butterfly on my right breast - to symbolise a new life and i have the BDSM symbol on the top of my left thigh that Sir had done when He collared me

2. What's your fav veggie?
ughhhhhhh .. most of the time i HATE veggies - but i do LOVE salads .. does that count??

3. What's the difference between a regular abuse session and a punishment session?
First of all.. forgive me but i hate the word ABUSE.. nothing Sir and i do is abuse!!! (that may require a rather long post at another time to define the differences)
BUT the difference between a regular session and a punishment.. the punishment is fast and immediate and happens wherever Sir is - as well Sir has specific implements for the punishment and none of the "play" toys are used. A play session is something that comes about because Sir desires to "play" with me. It generally involves a variety of toys and i get to enjoy the rush of endophins.

4. How's Sir after his surgery?
Sir appears to be doing well after the surgery (thank you for asking!) He sees the doctor next week for the final "ok" .........

5. Do you have any pets?
i have 2 cats - squirt and miss ashes....

6. What do you do with the chest of toys in the living room when you have vanilla guests over to the house?
The toy chest in the living room is a beautifully carved wooden box - that has no resemblance to a toy chest. It is closed at all times. It does not hold any of the usual BDSM toys - i.e. whips and floggers and paddles oh my!! But rather it holds things like needles and clothes pegs and vibrators (oh my!) for quieter less strenous living room sessions. Company would never know by just looking at the box what it contains... much like our lives.. no one would know by just looking at what goes on between Sir and i.

kaya said...
1. Would you unkink yourself if you could?
i lived most of my life "unkinked"... it made me miserable and cranky and not very nice....
i tried so hard to be "normal".......... now i feel as though i am finally "right" in my own skin so i would not even think about trying to unkink myself

2. What aspect of D/s is your favorite?
the caring............. i am not sure i can explain this well.. D/s is to me the absolute caring of each other... His needs / my needs. i have never before had anyone who really cared for me........ who was there for me through thick and thin....... who cared enough to make sure i took care of myself..... who stood by me no matter what. of course i do the same for Sir.. and i like to think that is something that makes our relationship special for Him as well.. the unselfish caring............

3. What aspect would you leave out if you could?
ummmm.. that is toughie kaya......... after all this time .. it is all so woven together - tightly - that i have difficulty trying to separate it in any way shape or form to even SEE what i would like to leave out............
i am thinking about the only thing i would change (change rather than leave out) if i could........ would be the hour at which Sir expects my private journal to be written and sent.. (7:30 at the latest) some mornings - when i am on holidays - i would just like to sleep in.. be lazy and not have to be up with the birds...........

4. Do you like housework?
Actually yes i do........... i love when the house is clean and tidy ... i LOVE it.. and so it is no hardship to work to get it that way....... what i dislike about housework though is the doing it when i get home from work during the week - when i would much rather curl up and relax....... but then i do NOT like having to do it when Sir is here.. the one thing i do HATE though is IRONING........... ughhhhhhhhhhh i hate it !!

5. Do you drink coffee?
Absolutely .. i HAVE to have at least one cup in the mornings to "jump start the engine" and sometimes i have one when i get home from work to keep the motor running so i can get the housework done!!

6. What was your favorite grade or class in school?
hands down.......... English... creative writing.. reading... any thing that had to do with literature..........

Goodbye

On a rainy miserable morning the family gathered to say goodbye...........

It is never easy to say goodbye.............

Tagged again......

it would appear i have been tagged again.. sort of.. kethry posted THIS in her blog and encouraged others to join in......... so here goes...........

YOU CAN ASK ME SIX QUESTIONS:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.

Now i am not too sure who wants to play this game....... but IF you have 6 questions you would like me to answer... i will do my best to do so....... However Sir and i reserve the right to ignore questions that are too personal (like real name or address etc) or inappropriate........

Death

i recieved the news yesterday that my children's paternal grandmother died. It is not the first death that has touched their lives. They have said "goodbye" to both my parents. But each "goodbye" brings a deep abiding sadness .. a realization that life is fragile and fleeting. A hard lesson for those young and full of life.

It is a sad time for my girls... for my "ex" family...... for me too... another goodbye...

More the fool.......

i don't exactly remember where i learned the saying "more the fool" or even why i know it...... probably cause more than once in my life i have been a fool.. or been played for a fool.........

one of my great weaknesses is being naive.. and trusting... trusting to a fault. And i have learned the hard way that most people are not open and honest .... it is a difficult lesson for me to learn... and it would seem i am constantly having to relearn the lesson.

Anyone who reads my blog knows that i am an avid reader of blogs....... and god only knows why.... but i do tend to form attachments to these unknown writers out there in blogland. More the fool!!! i tend to write from the heart.... and anyone who knows me in the real world knows that i write who i am.. how i speak and how i feel..... and i tend to think / believe that others out there write the same way..... truth from the heart... More the fool !!!!

This morning early.. coffee in hand.. i loaded up the computer and sat down to read some blogs while i sipped my coffee. i opened up one of my favourite blogs to read that everything i have been enjoying for the last year or so has all been lies......

L I E S !

i sat there staring at the screen feeling very much like Alice through the Looking Glass.. not able to figure out what was truth and what was lies. i do NOT like being lied to. It tends to make me very cranky !!! i do not mind reading fiction when i know it is fiction....... especially if it is well written and catches and holds my attention.......... but do not feed me fiction disguised as truth.. that is just downright dishonest!!!

Another saying that has been whispering over and over in my mind today is:

"catch me once .. shame on you.. catch me twice shame on me" so i guess once again it is shame on me.......

clothes pins and ropes and whips oh my!!!

"I have an idea" and with little more fanfare than that... Sir disappeared down the stairs to return with a pile of ropes. A chair was moved to the middle of the living room.. i was stripped and sat gingerly on the chair.. shivering as the cold wooden back embraced my body.

The blue ropes were slipped around my chest.. around the back of the chair... back around my breasts... pulled tight making them bulge and perk .. especially the nipples - perky nipples! Ropes sliding around my neck pulled tight holding me straight and upright and firm in the seat. Then Sir bound my wrists tight to the back legs of the chair.... and then wrapping ropes around my ankles pulling my legs apart forcing them to rest on the outside of each chair leg.. He bound them tight - leaving me open and exposed.

Sir moved to open the carved wooden box that sits harmlessly against the far wall of the living room. Inside are all manner of toys/implements... everything from vibrators to needles to clothes pegs. Out came the clothes pegs and the vibrator. i was whining even before Sir turned around to face me. GOD i hate clothes pegs!!!

Sir ignored my pathetic pleas for clemency...... He tried to clip the brightly coloured small plastic pegs to my breasts......... oh joy oh joy!! no sooner would He clip one on than i would feel the peg slipping and popping .. and off it would spring .. some landing across the room. This did NOT deter my Sir from His mission!! He was going to have clothes pegs on my breasts come hell or high water .. more plastic pegs were fastened .. and they too popped off !!! Sir stood back and muttering under His breath moved downwards... discovering to His joy (and my misery) that these colourful pegs clipped quite nicely to the insides of my thighs. Pinch clip pinch clip .. misery misery!!!
Then Sir slipped the blindfold over my eyes........ and i just about melted right there on the chair... the loss of sight has always played a major role in my slipping away to the land of fairies.........
Now i felt Sir's hands tugging and pulling the skin on my breasts.. more muttering then the firm clamp of a peg to skin.. and a yelp from me. More pinches more clamping more pegs and a whole lot more yelps..

Then i felt Sir's fingers tugging firmly at my pussy lips...... and then a searing hot pain as pegs were clamped ..... and i KNEW from the intensity of the pain He had managed to secure some pegs to my pussy lips. Sir then turned on the vibrator - definitely NOT my favourite one but it does do the job quite nicely - thank you very much !! - and wedged it between my pussy and my clit and the seat of the chair.

Then just so i didn't grow too bored Sir decided another little session of target practice was needed. So the whip was used to hit the perky nipples, the pegs on the breasts, and the pegs on the pussy lips.

When Sir was completely finished amusing Himself (ok ok .. i was thoroughly "amused" as well.. i admit it!) He ordered me to remove the clothes pegs......... Now folks.. if you know anything about clothes pegs you know the removal is most definitely worse than the application.......... i was quite pleased that Sir allowed me to do it.. as i had had visions of Him flicking them off with the whip........... my hands flew to the ones on my pussy first.. i tried very hard to ease it off.... but the pain shot through my body straight to the top of my head and was proof positive that there was no easing off that was going to work........... as quickly as i could i removed the others... and then tried to release the ones that were on my inner thighs.......... honest to god folks those suckers were STUCK to my skin...... stuck.. like glue......... i had to literally yank them off.. i kept rubbing the skin to make sure i hadn't pulled off chunks in the process.......

This morning all i keep thinking is... "clothes pins and ropes and whips...........OH MY!"

and for those inquiring minds.. i am thinking (if blogspot cooperates ) i will post some pictures on the photojournal (see link on right) of the event..............

OH so not fun!

Sometimes i really do wonder about Doms....... mine specifically. They let you wander around doing pretty much anything and everything you wish .. most of the time ignoring you (ok ok so it FELT like i was being ignored) and then when you least expect it They lower the boom. Now i ask you .. is THAT fair??!!!

In case you hadn't figured it out.. that is what happened to me last night...... and might i add.. LATE last night. Just when my mind and body was thinking how nice it would be to climb into bed and snuggle down for a good night's sleep, Sir ordered me downstairs. Now to be truthful .. i thought He was kidding....then i thought He was going to give me a long overdue session and so i basically said "thanks BUT no thanks". BEEEEEEEEEP went the invisible buzzer and "wrong answer" was shouted out from the crowds........ ok i get it i don't have a say in this...... so downstairs i went, grumbling all the way.

It was cold downstairs - nice thing about spring.. everything in the house warms up.. the furnace doesn't run and the basement gets freezing cold!! NO sympathy from Sir.. not one speck!!! By that point .. i should have figured it out .. but of course i didn't! Next thing.. i am stripped naked .. strung up to the chains with not even a "by your leave"......... and the paddle is taken down........ EXCUSE ME!!!??? the paddle??!!! Almost before i could process what was happening 'wham bang thank you Sir' the paddle was cracking down hard on my ass... a whole lot harder than it should have been - in my subbie opinion - without a warm up........ do you think i had figured it out yet?? nope .. not by a long shot.

Then came the floggers.. one after the other... no respite.. nothing except pain up and down my ass .. up and down my thighs... Has anyone else noticed that a fast flogging produces a cool breeze??!! thank you very much i was quite cold enough without Sir now creating a hurrican force breeze against my skin....... somewhere around the second swing of the flogger i was in tears... soft quiet tears that very quickly blossomed into a full blown sobbing and choking and snot producing crying jag!

Even when Sir was taking me down from the chains... i still hadn't figured out what had just happened............ ok ok sometimes i am pretty damn slow! subbie challenged !!! Then Sir said.. "that is what you get for being cheeky!" end of discussion........
WOW! it suddenly made sense .. the penny dropped... i GOT IT ! this had been a punishment session......... and i felt like i had a BIG duh! lettered across my forehead.

Nicest part of punishment sessions.. is when it is all over.. and all is forgiven.. and Sir wraps His arms around me and holds me close................