Quite a week!!!

It has been quite a week for me....... thinking thinking thinking.. i was searching my heart and my soul for answers to what kind of submissive i wanted to be.. but it was so much more than that........ and i had made lots of mistakes along the road to enlightenment..... the worse one i made was comparing myself .. my situation .. to other submissives both in real time and on the net...... i kept finding myself coming up short (in my opinion!!) ugh.. what a mess i landed myself in......

i worked through a lot of my feelings of inadequacy... and landed up with what i thought was a good essay.. a good place to start to work through these feelings of inadequacy...............

and then............ well.......... as a tag line from a blog i read says ...........
"just when i think i have it all figured out.... i live another day and life gets complicated"

i am not so sure .. now that i think about it.. if life got complicated or a whole lot clearer............doesn't really matter.... actually.. life morphed and changed again.. and i am still here.. still kneeling at Sir's feet..

One thing i put down in my essay to Sir was a "bitch" of a sort that He has backed off on the things i dislike.... a large amount of time i feel as though THIS is all about me.. and ugh.. i hate that!!! i told Him i wanted more pain that is for His pleasure not mine.. i told Him i wanted more humiliation - which is most definitely for His pleasure.... and He heard me.. loud and clear........

Yesterday we were visiting with our friend Cloud....... and the discussion came round to sex.. and orgasm denial .. and squirting subs.. and all manner of intimate details........ and Sir and Cloud were comparing squirting subs.. and i added (laughing in the remembering) how the last time i squirted.. i squirted so much i formed puddles in my slippers .. Sir turned to me and said "show Cloud".. i was dumbfounded (and thought about the first rule of being a good subbie - subbies should be seen and not heard!!! and wished i had bitten my tongue) .. i quietly pointed out to Sir that i never ever am able to make myself squirt !!!! So Sir had me stand by His side.. bend over His lap and yanked my pants down and after a couple of good smacks to the bum.. He proceeded to work on getting me to squirt............. i nearly DIED!!!! If there had been a hole to climb into i would have....... and of course because i was so mortified there was no way in hell Sir was gonna get me to cum never mind squirt.. i was as dry as the desert and as tight as a virgin. (mind you almost 3 weeks of no sexual play can do that to me)... Sir dropped the issue..... (thank goodness!!)

Later in the evening.. Sir told me to hug the chair! as He felt like some target practice.

Out came the snake whip .. and my bare ass.. and target practice commenced. And that is just what it was...... target practice.... i wasn't allowed to bitch or complain.. i wasn't allowed to fly.. i was just a target for Sir to practice on.. to get His swing arm back up and running again....

And ya know what???!!! it felt GREAT.... as the whip was cracking and landing and cutting and hurting.. my mind opened up to all the possibilities .. to all the really good stuff that goes on here .. in our relationship......... i have always known who and what i am!! i just lost sight of it for a little while .. in the glare.