Saturday, March 18, 2006

the many sides of ........ ME

This week i have worn so many different hats i think i have a permanent headache....... i have been nurse, teacher, administrator, boss, friend, mom grandma ....... no where in that list though is "submissive". Ohhhhh i know i have been submissive in my caring for Sir... BUT it has been difficult to "see" or "feel" that submissiveness...





i had great plans of how i was gonna sit by my Sir's side until they took Him down for the surgery, i was gonna be sitting by His side when they brought Him back to recovery......... after all.. the paper from the day surgery department said i could !!! Only thing is that was someone else's reality.. sure as the devil was not mine.......... For nearly 5 hours i sat by myself in a waiting room just waiting to hear some word on how Sir was doing.. no one came to tell me anything.. and when i asked .. i was brushed off and basically told to go and sit down. It was a long long day......... Over 7 hours long......... BUT He is home now and i am fetching and carrying and caring......... which is submissive right????



In the midst of that turmoil... i also had an audit done at school this week........ not my first one.. won't be my last one.... but i hate how the woman who does these audits seems to delight in finding errors.... looks for them with a magnifying glass.. is not happy till she actually finds one...........IF we taught the children the same way.. we would be turning out a group of children with very low self esteem and no confidence in themselves as learners....... (btw.. she didn't find any errors in my audit.. and i just felt like sticking my tongue out at her!!)

And then there were a couple of serious crises at work that required that i listen and listen and listen some more.. until my ears hurt..


And then to top it all off nicely.... Sir and i have been watching a relatively new BDSM relationship develop between some friends......... and this relationship has made me question my level of submissiveness.... Now Sir has set a task.. i must write an essay for Him - by the end of March - that details "what i want out of being His submissive". This is going to be a daunting task.... it is going to force me to look at past demons and ghosts .. get past them and see what lies ahead ............

i am feeling an awful lot like a leaf blowing about in the winter winds....... lost and alone and fragile............

5 comments:

  1. Anonymous8:11 pm

    huggggg

    alluring red

    ReplyDelete
  2. I understand this one... I do. It is hard when the strong foundation is leaning on you, when the world seems to be buffeting you from every side, and when others seem to be living the dream in ways that you cannot envision ever reaching...

    I know no answers except to keep on putting one foot in front of the other, to keep trusting, to keep fulfilling the promises made the best way I know how.

    Wishing you the very best,
    swan

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh gosh. i cannot tell you just how much i feel myself the fragile leaf right now. just know you aren't alone

    *hugs*

    Master's little pet
    @---}-----

    ReplyDelete
  4. You had a big week.. and the subject of your task is a very hard one... I wouldn't know what to say... really... as I'm not even sure about His expectations... I wouldn't like to have to do that...;-(
    Good luck!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm wishing your Sir the best, littleone. We Doms break on occassion. That's why we need you so badly.

    ReplyDelete

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