the many sides of ........ ME

This week i have worn so many different hats i think i have a permanent headache....... i have been nurse, teacher, administrator, boss, friend, mom grandma ....... no where in that list though is "submissive". Ohhhhh i know i have been submissive in my caring for Sir... BUT it has been difficult to "see" or "feel" that submissiveness...

i had great plans of how i was gonna sit by my Sir's side until they took Him down for the surgery, i was gonna be sitting by His side when they brought Him back to recovery......... after all.. the paper from the day surgery department said i could !!! Only thing is that was someone else's reality.. sure as the devil was not mine.......... For nearly 5 hours i sat by myself in a waiting room just waiting to hear some word on how Sir was doing.. no one came to tell me anything.. and when i asked .. i was brushed off and basically told to go and sit down. It was a long long day......... Over 7 hours long......... BUT He is home now and i am fetching and carrying and caring......... which is submissive right????

In the midst of that turmoil... i also had an audit done at school this week........ not my first one.. won't be my last one.... but i hate how the woman who does these audits seems to delight in finding errors.... looks for them with a magnifying glass.. is not happy till she actually finds one...........IF we taught the children the same way.. we would be turning out a group of children with very low self esteem and no confidence in themselves as learners....... (btw.. she didn't find any errors in my audit.. and i just felt like sticking my tongue out at her!!)

And then there were a couple of serious crises at work that required that i listen and listen and listen some more.. until my ears hurt..

And then to top it all off nicely.... Sir and i have been watching a relatively new BDSM relationship develop between some friends......... and this relationship has made me question my level of submissiveness.... Now Sir has set a task.. i must write an essay for Him - by the end of March - that details "what i want out of being His submissive". This is going to be a daunting task.... it is going to force me to look at past demons and ghosts .. get past them and see what lies ahead ............

i am feeling an awful lot like a leaf blowing about in the winter winds....... lost and alone and fragile............