Monday, March 21, 2011
I have had a nagging thought for the last few months...... a gut feeling....... nothing I could really put my finger on.... and certainly nothing I could prove.
Last March when I walked away from Sir... just turned my back on everything that had been me for almost 10 years - no one really understood. To be perfectly honest I don't think even I fully understood. I just knew I had to run. I felt very alone.
Since I have started coming back..... I have heard whispers - just whispers - of others feeling lost ... of others scrambling to keep from running away.
Over these last 2 weeks at home I have had loads of time on my hands and so I have done a bit of a "walk about" through blogs I don't normally read - new ones - old forgotten ones.
And I keep bumping into the same under current.......... slaves/submissives who are angry or unhappy or confused ....... some are brave enough to say they feel lost. Words like "invisible" "stranger" keep coming back time and time again.
On Saturday evening I spoke with a female Dom that I know and like and admire. She has been pretty invisible recently - not attending events - not posting. She tried to explain to me what was happening.......... what I understood was that she felt like she had lost who she was in the dynamics of BDSM.
Warren and I have often wondered what happened to folks we knew who just disappeared - went "poof" - from the community. We have heard rumors of people who left the lifestyle.
The niggling thoughts/feelings I had back in March - and through the summer have solidified a little bit. I think that sometimes we let BDSM swallow us up whole. We loose our identities in trying to be the best Dominant/submissive/slave that we can. We try too hard to prove ourselves to the real life community and to the virtual community. And in doing so we loose our true selves.
I also believe that when one is a strong person - this loosing one's true identity can work for a little while - but then something happens. I am not entirely sure what IT is that happens. But it is like an internal revolt. The strong independent soul breaks with the submissive soul - and havoc reigns. A psyche broken in two. And the pain that can cause is heart rending. (for all involved)
In May last year I tried bottoming ......... and I loved it. It fulfilled the need for pain. But unfortunately it didn't fulfill my need for companionship and intimacy and romance.
In September Warren and I decided to try it again.......... as friends........ then it evolved to dating partners. And this weekend it evolved yet again to Sir and bottom.
I don't believe I can ever .. EVER...... go back to being a submissive/slave. Following silly orders and protocols that are only a measure for others of how good a submissive I am .. how good a Dominant Warren is.
I have to wonder IF this BDSM lifestyle is something that most of the population can maintain for any length of time. Because I have a feeling that at one point or another someone is going to land up feeling lost invisible and hurt.