Monday, March 21, 2011

walk about

I have had a nagging thought for the last few months...... a gut feeling....... nothing I could really put my finger on.... and certainly nothing I could prove.

Last March when I walked away from Sir... just turned my back on everything that had been me for almost 10 years - no one really understood.  To be perfectly honest I don't think even I fully understood.  I just knew I had to run.  I felt very alone.

Since I have started coming back..... I have heard whispers - just whispers - of others feeling lost ... of others scrambling to keep from running away.

Over these last 2 weeks at home I have had loads of time on my hands and so I have done a bit of a "walk about" through blogs I don't normally read - new ones - old forgotten ones.

And I keep bumping into the same under current.......... slaves/submissives who are angry or unhappy or confused ....... some are brave enough to say they feel lost.  Words like "invisible" "stranger" keep coming back time and time again.

On Saturday evening I spoke with a female Dom that I know and like and admire.  She has been pretty invisible recently - not attending events - not posting.  She tried to explain to me what was happening.......... what I understood was that she felt like she had lost who she was in the dynamics of BDSM.

Warren and I have often wondered what happened to folks we knew who just disappeared - went "poof" - from the community.  We have heard rumors of people who left the lifestyle.

The niggling thoughts/feelings I had back in March - and through the summer have solidified a little bit.  I think that sometimes we let BDSM swallow us up whole.  We loose our identities in trying to be the best Dominant/submissive/slave that we can.  We try too hard to prove ourselves to the real life community and to the virtual community.  And in doing so we loose our true selves.

I also believe that when one is a strong person - this loosing one's true identity can work for a little while - but then something happens.  I am not entirely sure what IT is that happens.  But it is like an internal revolt.  The strong independent soul breaks with the submissive soul - and havoc reigns.  A psyche broken in two.  And the pain that can cause is heart rending.  (for all involved)

In May last year I tried bottoming ......... and I loved it.  It fulfilled the need for pain.  But unfortunately it didn't fulfill my need for companionship and intimacy and romance.  

In September Warren and I decided to try it again.......... as friends........ then it evolved to dating partners.  And this weekend it evolved yet again to Sir and bottom.  

I don't believe I can ever .. EVER...... go back to being a submissive/slave.  Following silly orders and protocols that are only a measure for others of how good a submissive I am .. how good a Dominant Warren is.  

I have to wonder IF this BDSM lifestyle is something that most of the population can maintain for any length of time.  Because I have a feeling that at one point or another someone is going to land up feeling lost invisible and hurt.


abby said...

Morningstar, very interesting post. i have not worked it all out yet, but I tend to agree with you. When I frist was brave enough to actually explore my fantasies, and lucky enough to find Master, I always wanted more and faster! But,I finally have realized life is about balance, I am still the strong woman I was, but I have added a new dimension!

alyson said...

I'm a bit fan of organic relationships. I consider myself a slave/sub because that's the label closest to where I tend to end up in relationships, but I've found from experience that if there's any push to do things within the relationship that are forced (emotionally) for both of us, it just won't work. So if you can maintain the 'BDSM lifestyle' (whatever that means to you) organically, great. If not, I think it's worth exploring to find what is organic for you and your relationships.

So in short, I tend to agree with you. I think it's one of the places where the internet is a double-edged sword. It's great for community, but it's also a lot easier to find out what 'everyone does' (or says they do). My best BDSM relationships have been with people who don't care what other people are doing and just want to do what works for us. I read blogs because I like the feeling of community (I'm not on fetlife), but I rarely feel any sense of 'need to be like x'.

selkie said...

morningstar, I think people can get very hung up on defining with words what is ultimately a human experience - one unique not just to the individual but to the dynamic which is engenderd by their interactions with OTHER individuals (whether one "special" one or more).

Honestly, even though I considered myself in a STRONG D/s relationship for many years (like 20+), I never looked outside for most of those years for a definition of what I was living. Had I been asked, I think at the time I considered myself a committed and caring and intense submissive (and in hindsight, think I WAS), BUT .... my own understanding of what I was did not ever jive with a narrow definition of what was 'submission' - and certaintly was FAR from those "ideal" ones you see out here in the cyberworld. But then I never believed in many of them.

Because submissive or not, I am feisty (eh, fellow feisty girl?!), opinionated, in my case, quick tempered and in all other respects (like you) a LEADER ... i guess becuase doug and were so long-term I never questioned it has you did - although I, of course, like anyone, went through my share of insecurity and questioning.

And frankly, as much as peopel "related" to being a "slave" my logical mind just couldn't encompass that as a 24/7 reality ... becuase bottom line, in this world -the real one - you are only a slave until you choose to walk away ...don't get me wrong, I believe ANYONE has the right to call themselves any damn thing they want and to believe in it - no skin of my nose - just I couldn't then and can't know really believe in it.

Which is not to say a slave/Master dynamic doesn't evist - any more than I would deny a submissive/dominant one doesn't! they DO - and believe they can and often are genuine and in the moment, real - it's just people are complex, we don't live in a novel and real life issues ALWAYS come into it...

viemoira said...

I find it extremely difficult at times to balance the M/s dynamic with other aspects of my life. Life obviously gets in the way and that can throw off consistency and that is where I find I feel very alone.

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