....... except when it isn't so glorious........
I have had a difficult relationship with food for most of my adult life.... except believe it or not - I didn't actually know it until about 10 years ago........ I think because until 10 years ago I always lived with someone... never alone. Living with someone means preparing meals .... at meal time .. cause ya know the other person/persons want/need to eat - even if you don't feel hungry.
BUT 10 years ago I was on my own - during a difficult time in my life... food didn't interest me - and I was never hungry! So I would pick. I would go grocery shopping and wander up and down the aisles trying to find some food that peaked my interest. During that time I lost 75 pounds......... I was eating about 900 calories a day (on a good day!)
Then I moved in with Sir Steve and started cooking for someone else...... and I was happy... so I started eating properly again. and yes some weight did go back on.. not much thank goodness - but about 20 pounds. (over the 4 years) And I continued merrily along my way. Weight gain or weight loss was never the driving force behind my eating disorders
About a year ago I started to notice a total lack of interest in food..... I would test out ideas about what I wanted to eat - anything I craved ...... and based my menus on what appealed to me - thankfully Sir Steve and the lil one were quite happy with their dinners so nothing much changed outwardly.
Now - ugh - I am picking at my food - pushing it around my plate like a kid. I am eating about half my meal and saying I'm full. I AM actually full - well I feel full - just cause I have no interest in food.
They say (they being doctors) that food disorders are a way of controlling your life... which is weird cause I have control over my life....... so I struggle with that... and yet - maybe? I know I am more than a little obsessed with this pandemic and lock downs and restrictions and feeling the world is out of control.
I have no answers .......... but at least I am aware of the questions........
Welcome to the wonderful world of eating disorders! It's a lovely club having been a member since my early teens/late childhood.
ReplyDeleteControl can be so wonderful and so insidious in your life.
I am here if I can help at all...although I don't know how.
Hugs
Boo
Hugs Boo ! as you know there isn't anything anyone can do really ..... I write about it from time to time cause it makes me 'see' it
ReplyDeleteHi Morningstar, as you said, the good thing is that you are aware of the changes in your eating habits and desire for food. Everything in the world is so out of whack at the moment. It could be playing a big part.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
you know Roz you are a pretty remarkable woman...you ALWAYS find something to say on all our blogs... this one was a difficult one to write - to read I'm sure - and to comment on ! Yet you still find some positive words.
DeleteThank you !!