Just a Little News

A while back someone (forgive me I totally forget who it was) asked me what was happening with my quirky lil apartment as it seemed I wasn't using it very much.

Truth be told -- since I moved here last June -- I have not stayed overnight in the apartment once.  We had some really good / valid reasons for my having my own place.  I didn't want any possible problems with the court/custody battle.  I didn't want the government to stick it's nose in (here if you live with someone for 12 months the government decides you are married and buggers around with your benefits) 

AND I guess the biggest reason was my insecurity about once again giving up something that was mine and moving to something that wasn't.  All the 'what ifs' kept popping up in my head.  So I stubbornly hung on to the lil quirky apartment.

Last weekend Sir Steve asked me why wouldn't I move in with him.... 'let's just do it'.  I raised the government benefit questions...... the custody problems and he basically said "Screw it - move in with me!"  

On Wednesday this week I wrote up the end of lease letter for the management company.  I looked at Sir Steve and said 'last chance!  Are you positive you want me living here 24/7 ?"  (which was a dumb question seeing as that is exactly what I am doing - have been doing) And he said 'YES'.  

So the letter was delivered.  And I have to be out of my quirky lil apartment by June 1st.

I insisted we tell the lil one on Wednesday -- she seemed excited by the idea and actually said "so this will be your home too now!"
 
We told the eldest daughter last night -- her reaction was -- what took so long?!

We will tell the youngest daughter tomorrow. 

It's gonna take some imagination and work to weave my furniture/belongings into this house -- there will be a fair amount of storing furniture etc in the basement  'just in case'.  

BUT come June 1st I will officially be living with Sir Steve -- in OUR home 
AND that is a very good thing !

FFF and thoughts on size

I have never been a 'small' woman ...... and never much thought about it.  BUT then a couple of serious health issues brought my weight to the foreground.  I had a doctor actually tell me that if I had less belly fat I wouldn't have as many cancer scares.  So I made up my mind to lose the extra weight -- then I made up my mind to weigh what I weighed pre-babys then I made up my mind to get down to my lowest EVER body weight (which was when I was in high school)

I bought a Fitbit -- and downloaded a food app that tracked my calories and synced with Fitbit and told me how many calories I had left to eat at the end of the day -- joy oh joy ! 

The calories LEFT at the end of the day became my goal -- to have more and more of them leftover....... cause ya know that would mean I would lose weight faster.  I would go to the gym and burn off as many calories as possible -- I would walk for hours in the afternoon burning off more calories...... and I would see the calories LEFT start to creep up from 200 calories left to 600 calories...... I was averaging between 700 and 900 calories of food intake a day.  It got serious.  Doctor serious.

Then life changed again -- and the cancer is in remission (fingers crossed) and I found Sir Steve and fell in love ......... and obsessing over calories didn't seem as necessary.  BUT over the year I have been with Sir Steve -- the weight slowly crept back up.  I had lost 70+ pounds and in one year with Sir Steve my weight had crept up just over 10 pounds.  

I fought the panic... I fought the panic of 'Sir Steve won't love me if I get really fat again'   I didn't want to admit I had packed on those 10 pounds....... my clothes still fit so I could sorta ignore it.  BUT then Fondles started her FFF group ..... and I watched how bloggers were working on getting healthy -- and posting their results on Friday.  Not being much of one for publicly humiliating myself with my weight I stayed silent. 

BUT then I decided I really didn't want to go back to 'fat' clothes -- I really do like being able to walk into any store and buying clothes I like.  I have a summer at the campgrounds coming  up and I want to wear my shorts and lil tops and feel good in them.  I have my eldest daughter's wedding coming in August and I want to look 100% better than I did at her first wedding.  

So I have gone back to my Fitbit and food app -- and working really hard to focus on the food intake rather than the calories left over.... keeping the intake between 1000 and 1200 (max!!)  ............ oh yeah and one more step I have taken -- I have moved the scales here to Sir Steve's ..... one of the best ways I have to keep myself honest.... weight myself 2 or 3 times a week - sometimes every day (cause I obsess like that) 

And this week I am actually down one more pound!! Ideally I would like to be down 10 pounds by June -- but realistically I will settle for 10 pounds by daughter's wedding in August.  

Here's to the FFF group and finding my inspiration again.............. 

The Talk !

Sir Steve enrolled the lil one in gymnastics the other day -- her first class is today.  Tomorrow she is going to her mother's for the extended visit.  That left us last evening to talk with the lil one about courts and custody and changes.

Yesterday morning Sir Steve had an appointment to meet with her teacher .... he gave her a copy of the court order and discussed what we can all do to make this transition easier on the lil one.  

Then when the lil one came home from school -- had her snack and her 60 minutes of television -- we sat her down and started to explain 'divorce' ... 'custody'..... courts and judges.  When you stop and think -- that's a HUGE amount of information to absorb when you are 5.  

I think we did everything as close to right as possible -- explaining how mommy and daddy have to share her -- that mommy and daddy both love her even if they don't love each other anymore.  That it will be a new experience going to school from Mommy's house -- no school bus -- and a bit of a long drive to school.  BUT that she will get on the school bus at the end of the day and come home to me and daddy.  AND that she could phone Daddy on Sunday nights and say good night.  (thankfully she has learned her phone number)

There were some tears...... and she complained about pains in her tummy.  She went in her bedroom and pulled on a BIG hoody - zipped it up and pulled the hood down covering her face.  I watched her from my vantage point..... trying to judge how she was dealing ..........  slowly her tummy improved and she pulled out her colouring and sat at her desk.... slowly the hood came off........... By dinner time she was her old self again.

This morning all the talk was about starting gymnastics ..... and making new friends... and she told me her strategy to accomplish that.  "I'll just go in and say to the kids 'what's your name'? and they'll tell me and I'll tell them my name...... AND then we'll be friends!!"  The simplicity and confidence when you're 5! 

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In other news -- Sir Steve and I have a very busy Easter Weekend.  
Friday eldest daughter and fiance are coming for dinner 
Saturday we have a play party/pot luck to go to 
Sunday we have Easter Brunch at youngest daughters.

Keeping busy when life is topsy turvy is a very good thing !

It's Gonna be a GOOD Week !

The weekend was a quiet one ......... a healing time.

Saturday we did go out for coffee with a friend we've reconnected with in the lifestyle -- and that was good fun!  We parted with promises for dinner soon and more socializing.

Sir Steve had issues sleeping -- and was quiet .... and I'll say it -- a bit distant.  I got it -- get it.  BUT we have to let go of our wants .... and give this new custody a chance.  We have to talk with the lil one this week and explain the changes -- and I believe we have to be more honest with her than either of us have been..... we have to have the hard talk -- about courts and judges making decisions we don't have much control over.  That they want us to share her more..... 

BUT

also I believe we need to reassure her she has a small say in this too.  Somehow - carefully - diplomatically - I want her to understand if this isn't working for HER she needs to speak up.  If not with us -- if not with her mother -- than maybe her teacher.  I believe she needs to understand she has a voice. 

AND

as much as it scares me -- there is a HUGE chance that mother will get 50/50 and I have been tip toeing around that with Sir Steve........ 

By Sunday the mood had started to improve... eldest daughter contacted us and asked if we wanted to 'hang out' on Good Friday.  She always knows when to reach out -- even Sir Steve was happy to think they'd be coming to have dinner and 'hang out' with us.

Then midday on Sunday Sir Steve told me to go get dressed.  (ok ok!  that's not exactly what I was hoping he would say - cheeky grin) But we went out for lunch at a lovely new Indian restaurant and enjoyed some yummy food and lots of sunshine.

After we got home he headed off to pick up the lil one and we all got prepared for the new week ahead.
Sir Steve is off all week..... the joys of the type of work he does -- feast or famine it seems.  BUT it'll be nice to have him home -- even if it is a little hard on the budget.

All in all the weekend was just what we both needed.

 

Sunday Sentiments

Lesson Learned (I hope)

It was about a year ago -- a Friday evening -- I had arrived at Sir Steve's for the weekend and he told me a friend wanted to drop by...... she had something really important to talk to him about...... 

She came in and talked -- in that gossipy excited "I know something you don't know" way.  I listened intently.  She wanted to know after her tale what Sir Steve was gonna do... how was he gonna react.  

(side note -- this 'friend' had been friends with Sir Steve's ex-wife since they were young girls)  

When she left I was blunt (geeeeee me blunt !  go figure) and I told Sir Steve I didn't trust her as far as I could throw her.... she delighted in gossip -- and I was sure she was gonna take any gossip she picked up from him right back to the mother -- her friend.  Sir Steve assured me that she was on his side -- she had seen what the mother had done to the lil one -- she KNEW ! 

I backed off.  I told myself it was none of my business -- what did I know (really know) about these people -- about the friends that were now in Sir Steve's life 10 years after I had known him.
 (but as time went on -- and she didn't get information from me -- or finally Sir Steve -- she stopped being 'our best friend' - stopped coming by)

Fast forward to the summer up at the campgrounds to the first time I met the ex-wife's sister.  A tough dike -- a pot smoking hard drinking dike.  She couldn't wait to come over to our site -- to see if Sir Steve needed any help building his new deck - needed any help at all.  

At first my hackles were up -- WHY was his ex-sister in law showing such an interest in us -- in what we were doing -- in spending so much time with us?? BUT Sir Steve told me she was ok -- she had been his rock the summer the mother left -- she had spent night after night sitting on his campsite with him ... drinking with him.... helping him cope with the heart break.

So I backed off.

AND yes I will admit it -- after weeks of getting to know her -- I trusted her. I let my guard down and opened up to her.. though I did ask once how she could say those things about her sister and mother ..... but I trusted her.  

There were times she would take the lil one for a few hours and give Sir Steve and I some precious time alone.  She would sit by our campfire at night and smoke up and drink herself into a stupor.  

There were times that she was sexually inappropriate with me --  I shut her down... she made me feel uncomfortable. (though everyone else found my discomfort amusing)  When she wasn't doped up and/or drunk she was a really sweet person. 

AND she was so supportive of us.  She would give us information about what the mother was doing - when she was going away.  She told us she was advising them to keep us in the loop.  When the family came to remove the mother's belongings from the house (in the fall) -- she assured us she would come too -- she would get it down quickly -- she would keep her mother at bay and her sister under control.  She seemed to be the mediator we needed to deal with the family.


THEN
we went to court on Thursday.  

And we heard words twisted and lies told and we knew where they had come from.  Lies told how we couldn't wait to push the lil one off on her mother.... we didn't want her.  We couldn't handle her.

AND 
my head spun.
my stomach hurt.
my heart felt like it was torn from my chest.

IT was all my fault!  I trusted her -- I believed her.  I loved that she took the lil one from time to time and gave Sir Steve and I time alone -- I was selfish!  That selfishness had not allow me to see what was really happening............. I hadn't felt the knife being thrust into my back with each sweet smile -- with each offer of help. 

Some how this was all my fault!  I had shut down my instincts.  I had shut out the voices in my head.  I had ignored the red flags.  And this was the consequence.

Thursday after court and all day yesterday I have struggled with the betrayal.. with the lies told..... with wanting to cut out her heart and hand it back to her.  I have been angry with myself.... and I have been bleeding for Sir Steve -- for his pain -- for his having to deal with the lies that were told in court.

Things will be different this summer!  I will not trust anyone.  I will keep my thoughts to myself.  I will be a big strong walled fortress around our 'happy kingdom' ... I will keep the trolls and the gnomes out.  (even if it is a bit like closing the barn door after the cow has escaped)

I have learned my lesson -- I hope !

 

Naked Truth (and an FFF update)

We spent 1 1/2 hours in court yesterday -- it felt much longer than that.  Despite it being 2018 - we managed to get a female judge who firmly believes children should be at worst 50/50 with their parents -- and I am guessing -- at best 100% with their mother.  I can't get over how many people still believe that just because you spread your legs and pushed another human being out of your belly you qualify for "Mother of the Year".

SO
This judge wanted one week with Mother one week with Father.  One problem with that brilliant idea -- mother lives almost one hour away from the school.  Can you imagine what time the lil one is gonna have to get up (especially on wintery mornings) to get to school for 8:00 a.m.??!!!

We wanted status quo -- mother has her every weekend -- summers are one week on one week off -- and the holidays are shared.  

The judge decided (Sir Steve says he felt bullied into this) that the mother will pick up from school Friday afternoons and return her to school on Monday mornings.  This is for a trial period (we have no idea how long that trial is) 
The suspicion Sir Steve's lawyer has -- IF this works then the judge will rule for one week on - one week off as the final judgement.  We are gonna fight that..... Sir Steve has contacted the teacher and he's hoping to have an appointment with her next week

Know what breaks my heart ??!!  The lil one calls this place HOME...... not the mother's ... HERE is HOME!  and the courts don't seem to care.

Neither Sir Steve nor I know how to tell the lil one.......though we have two weeks to find the words.......... 

I hate to say it BUT I am hoping the lil one struggles with this change -- that she acts up in school -- at home -- that she gives us a reason to fight this ........ fight it with everything we've got......  
BUT truthfully the lil one is so adaptable -- we did such a good job building up going to Mom's on weekends (she used to call Sir Steve 3-4 times every weekend asking to come HOME) -- building up what fun it will be -- I believe she will work this out........ 

AND I want her to work it out -- I want her to be happy and adjust well to this change... 
BUT on the other hand I don't want her to be happy and adjusted -- I want the courts to say she is better off with her father... and I know that is so very wrong of me !!

Talk about 'mixed emotions' 
colour me very sad

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On the upside -- I weighed myself for FFF and I have lost all the weight I put on -- YAY!  and except for yesterday when I did a whole lot of emotional eating -- I am back recording every morsel of food that I eat and keeping my calorie intact down to my calorie burn...... 

Justice ?

Just before I left for my luncheon date yesterday I heard from Sir Steve.

It seems that all the reports for the court were delivered just before noon yesterday - exactly 24 hours before we go to court.  No time to read them or discuss them.
CAS has lifted the supervised visitation (without any follow ups) 

It just seems too much.

The tension headache hit ........ and now I suffer.

It's all up to the lawyers now......... Sir Steve wants full custody and guardianship.

Please keep a good thought for us and for the lil one.

Life Goes On

I'm sitting here this morning feeling drained........ not sure where my 'social' face is.. and needing it cause I am supposed to meet a friend for lunch........ 

All around me our world is vibrating.... humming like a tuning fork.... 
I can hear it ... and feel it.... 
It is distracting and disturbing

This 'n That

Today is the first day of spring...... temperature 0 Celsius with sunshine... low tonite -8 Celsius......... (BIG sigh)  Who knows when we'll see spring temperatures here in the Great White North......... maybe June?!

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Late last week -- abby left this comment on my blog.......  

 And..I came here to read updates...decided to try your links and was able to get into blogs that I have not been able to access...

I was wondering abby -- were you having trouble with your links for the blogs??? cause funny enough I have been having trouble accessing some blogs... I would get to that warning page that it was 'adult content' BUT when I hit the enter button -- it wouldn't open..  I was beginning to think I would have to post a "I'm sorry I haven't been commenting but........... " and then suddenly I was able to get in to them again... curious!

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The other bit of news -- which is kinda occupying our minds full time this week -- we are off to court again on Thursday for the custody hearing.  Ever watch the movie "Groundhog Day"??? cause that's what it feels like........ 

The mother has not produced her medical report or her mental health report AND the Youth Protection (CAS) has not been back for the follow up appointment and has not filed their findings with the court.  We had that confirmed yesterday by Sir Steve's lawyer. 

Sir Steve has filed his papers as required -- and we have sent them all the documentation we have on mother's neglect/ignorance........ Also how mother refuses to communicate with Sir Steve.

So -- just like in September, in November and again in January -- Sir Steve will take the afternoon off work,  he's arranged a baby sitter to pick the lil one up at the school bus, we'll get dressed up and head down to family court and 10 minutes after we arrive we'll be on our way home again with yet another postponement.  

 

Back to Normal

We had 3 FULL days to ourselves........ what a treat!!  

We ran around doing messages .... met a BDSM newbie for coffee .... took a run to Montreal to celebrate eldest grandson's 17th birthday...... AND we had lots of time in the bedroom. And the best part of that was -- it didn't have to be on our way to bed at the end of long day -- we got to spend afternoons in the bedroom enjoying each other and definitely reconnecting.

OH and I nearly forgot ... the munch I talked about the last time I posted.... we went... and yes I had HUGE butterflies (gotta love social anxiety - NOT) but all my anxiety was for naught.  They were a great bunch of friendly folks.  And as if it couldn't get any better - 2 Tops that I knew from way back when came to the munch as well... and we got to catch up.  We also met someone who holds play parties fairly regularly.
Sir Steve and I are hoping that this summer we might be able to attend a few more of the munches and we're already booked to go to the next play party.  

But all good things have to come to an end..... the lil one came home last night after a week with her mother.

Back to routine today........ school, work (but no more 9 days straight).

Sunday Sentiments

FFF

I had a mini meltdown yesterday over my weight..... instead of losing I managed to put on 1.5 pounds !!!  

No excuses allowed -- I know how and I know why........ no one's fault but my own .. and my own lack of self control.

Sir Steve and I talked about it -- he said he would do anything he could to support me which is very nice.... I don't normally talk to anyone about my weight issues -- or even blog about them....... both are tough to do... BUT I am trying to stay honest ... to be accountable -- to NOT ignore it -- so here I am on Fit Friday admitting I have fallen completely off the healthy eating wagon... have put on 1.5 pounds instead of losing it... 

I felt more confident after my talk with Sir Steve.  We went off to our munch and I ordered a smoke meat sandwich with no fries ..... YAY me right?!  The sandwich came and it was HUGE -- and I do mean HUGE!!  I thought to myself I will only eat half and take the other half home.......I cleaned my plate.................. (see my disappointed / sad face)

Today is another day........... a new start....... again........... 
Hopefully next week I will have a better report

Day 9 1/2

Day 9 1/2 because Sir Steve tells me he'll be home for lunch -- AND -- for the next 3 days..... 

So we knocked this out of the park ....... YAY !!

This afternoon Sir Steve is taking me to find an optometrist cause I really REALLY need new glasses -- I feel blind!  Then this evening we're taking a lil road trip and going to a new munch with new people -- like people I don't know -- like crowds of people I don't know -- my mantra is "I can do this ... I can do this".... (small smile)

Then till Saturday evening we're pretty much on our own to amuse ourselves.  Think we can find something to fill the time???  (cheeky grin) 

Day 8

Yup -- we are now on day 8 straight of working....... 
and I am taking stock -- 
there are oatmeal cookies in the freezer
there are were chocolate chip cookies in the freezer
there are ginger snaps in the freezer
there are oatmeal muffins in the freezer
there is a banana bread in the freezer (only 1 cause I ran out of bananas)
there are a couple dozen of meat balls in the freezer
the laundry is up to date (in fact I am washing the lil one's unicorn rug today)
the house is clean
the grocery shopping is done
and I will probably be snow shoveling today as we are pretty much snowed in right now

BUT

yesterday when Sir Steve got home he took my hand and tugged me into the bedroom....  

and my body wouldn't respond -- it was like it was on hiatus ya know? But Sir Steve can work miracles -- out came the knives....... for those of you who don't know me well -- a session with the knives is better than a sensual massage for me 

And when I pulled him to me and whispered soft sweet words of encouragement Sir Steve said "it's been way too long I have missed this! " and I almost cried -- it's nice to know that even after all this time - lust and desire still run through his veins like it does through mine.......

Day to day routine doesn't seem so mundane now...... there's still day 8 and day 9 to get through -- but then 3 days off 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just a little PSA (public service announcement)

(in our case it may not be celebrated today but one day soon for sure!)


 

Day 7

We are on day 7 of Sir Steve working......... it's got to the point neither of us knows what day of the week it is...... it's got to the point he's exhausted ... his body is hurting (after all your body needs time to re-energize) more than usual.......

And yes - to my darlin' anonymous stalker - I am being "greedy" wanting some adult intimacy with my Sir Steve and yes my attitude is "shitty" ........ dear stalker you can try pushing all my buttons (which you know so well) ....... but I will not apologize for my very real feelings...... missing him ...worrying about him.... wanting him.

The important thing is (I think) that I support him in this -- his meals are made - he has yummy baking to nibble on -- his clothes are washed -- his house clean -- he can devote his time and energy to his job -- to his new business -- I've got his back!!

And when this period is over -- and things return to normal -- we will have our adult intimacy again and we will hold each other up again........... when things return to normal.............. 

and that is a very good thing!

Holiday Time

Friday was the start of "March Break" around here..... the lil one went off to her mom's for the week.........

Sir Steve and I ??? well business has been a little slow -- so when a job came up last Wednesday Sir Steve jumped on it......... and another job came up that required him to work from Friday through till today (Monday)  I am hoping that the two jobs will be finished early this week -- and then we can have some alone time together.  BUT if not -- work is important - especially when you're trying to get your own business off the ground.

I kept myself busy doing the groceries -- then baking up a storm.  I made an interesting cheese and onion yeast bread to have with a pasta casserole.  I baked 4 dozen oatmeal cookies -- and 4 dozen ginger cookies and popped them in the freezer.  Then yesterday I made the yummiest yeast cinnamon sticky buns ever!!

My grandmother used to make them -- and I think mine were pretty close to those sinful treats from years ago....  oh yeah and I did the laundry ......... 

the question is -- what the hell do I do today???

Sunday Sentiments

Consent Violations -- Part 2

Yesterday I received a comment on Consent Violations Part 1 that moved me deeply.

 In my research on Consent Violations -- I read a study on Human Sexuality that said '3% of all BDSM players suffer a consent violation' .  I am wondering how many of those 3% reported it to police -- to anyone?  I know some have tried and have been ignored -- or patted on the head and placated.  That is NOT acceptable!

All this research got me thinking about my past in the BDSM community - all nearly 30 years of it.  I couldn't believe that not once had my consent been violated. BUT - dragging up memories of long past parties I remembered one incident where I was stretched out on the rack -- arms and legs spread wide and taut... my Top was standing over me 'guarding' me.  Suddenly a stranger appeared and announced it was not nearly taut enough and turned the crank one more time............ 

I did not safe word -- I was unable to safe word -- the pain was horrific....... I did however scream bloody murder.  The entire dungeon heard me -- the entire dungeon was aware.  The Top in question quietly disappeared into the dark....... and I was released from the equipment and my arm was immediately evaluated.  There have been a couple of other times -- but minor and always handled immediately -- by myself.

I think the main problem is how is one to protect oneself against consent violations -- when yes you can be under the influence of endorphins -- or hit by triggers or PTSD.  

Let me share what has worked for me......... 

* Never assume because someone is a "leader" or a "teacher" or has years of experience that they are 'safe' to play with.  Ask them for 'references' - for people they have played with - ask the local organisers for their thoughts on this person.  listen to what you are told !!  AND go with your gut... remember ultimately YOU are responsible for your safety.

*  Negotiate -- not just online emails that border on flirting..... but asking hard questions -- setting hard limits face to face over coffee.  This is not a job that should be taken lightly.  It is difficult in the beginning to ask for what you want -- and to be clear what you don't want/won't tolerate.  But it gets easier as time goes on.  And it is advisable after negotiating that you write down what you heard/understood and send it off in an email for clarification.

* Never play privately -- there is less chance of consent violation if it is at a public party where you can and should yell bloody murder if your consent is violated.  Another suggestion is have a play party buddy -- I had one.  Someone to go to parties with -- someone to watch over you and your partner while playing. Someone to take you home afterwards.

* Ever heard of 'safe calls' -- yeah I know they're old fashioned but they have worked a time or two in the past.

Back at least 20 years (if not more) it truly felt like a 'community' this BDSM community we love to belong to.... sort of like a small town.  I remember Tops and Doms alike keeping an eye open for indiscretions -- and submissives supporting and protecting each other.  There was open talk about Dominants (and submissives too - cause they can be a danger just as easily) who were a threat to consent -- to the philosophy of consensual partnerships.  I also remember - back then - BDSM play did NOT involve sex in any way shape or form...and therefore there was much less chance of mixed messages.

The hard truth is the BDSM community has changed.......not necessarily for the better.  There is often open sex at play parties.  The art of negotiation is being lost.  We want to try everything yesterday! and are short on patience.  We are not educating ourselves on the risks of BDSM play -- we accept labels like "teacher" and equate safe with supposed years of experience.  We are not listening to our inner voices -- our gut reactions -- we are not even listening to advise.


Consent is all we have people!  It is our word!  It is our bond! We should be cherishing consent and respecting it. Always. 

It is time for change and the change begins with you.

Consent Violations -- Part 1

I have been reading article/post after post on consent violations on Fetlife..... and then there is the #Metoo movement ... and allegations of sexual improprieties in the news all the time.

I tried voicing my opinion a long time ago -- at the beginning of this bout of discussions -- but was accused of "victim shaming" and I'll admit I was thrown for a loop.  I didn't see it as victim shaming......... BUT ... maybe I was?? who knew? so I withdrew from the discussions and kept my thoughts to myself.

Then it moved a little closer to home and I found myself asking "what the hell is consent violation anyway?!!"  thinking maybe I had a different definition for the term.  There have been a couple of rumored 'consent violations' against people I know in the community.  It was like a punch in the stomach.  I had trouble -- real trouble - believing it.... especially since I had played with one of the violators and never had a speck of trouble.

I wanted to write my thoughts (MY THOUGHTS) on the subject ... but decided before I ventured into the melee I would do some research.

Part 1 of this discussion is my understanding of the definition of consent violation (feel free to jump in with corrections or your opinion of what consent violation means) ............

The short definition is - a consent violation is anything not agreed upon during negotiations.
Consent is about setting boundaries for interactions.

Any sexual activity not included in the negotiations can be a consent violation -- that is genital touching -- oral sex -- as well as penetration.  (now that's all I thought consent violation was -- sexually based)

However - it can also be abuse -- and I use that term loosely.  Let me give you an example... if you negotiate your play time and limit the play to spanking with anything BUT a paddle .... and a paddle is used then that could be consent violation.  

BUT if you use your safe word -- and the play / activity stops then it is NOT consent violation.  IF you use your safe word and the play continues then that is consent violation. IF you don't use your safe word at all -- then that is NOT consent violation.

Consent violation does not always refer to physical force..... but it can also refer to emotional coercion.  I have heard of a Rope Top telling newbies - once they are tied up -- that it is 'normal' (expected) that they owe the top a blow job...... 'everyone does it.'   I have also heard some Tops say they are just pushing the bottom's limits -- cause how will they know what they like/can take -- if their limits aren't pushed. 
..
I believe the most important  part of consent violations -- or preventing them -- is negotiations!!! without negotiations there are no boundaries for either the Top or the Bottom and no way of clearly defining a consent violation.  

BUT 
I will stop here .......... Part 2 will be how I interpret this definition and why I believe there are more and more accusations of consent violations.

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this is a personal note to Enzo who left this comment on my blog the other day........

I would love to hear your thoughts on consent and consent violations to learn more. I would share my thoughts, but I know a lot of readers will discard my opinions simply because it is coming from a male point of view and that makes it hard to have a discussion when you are dismissed out the starting gate.

please Enzo jump in anytime -- I think it is VERY important to have opinions from both sexes and both sides of the slash AND I will not discard your opinion for any reason!

More Q&A

Day 3 of Q&A..... this is fun!!  

ronnie said...
Question: If you could relive six months of your life, when would that be?  

6 months??  Ronnie -- Sir Steve read me your question last night -- and my answer was 'WOW that one's gonna make me think!"  

I had about 6 months transition between Montreal and moving to be with W..... I sometimes wonder if I had taken that time to really examine what I was going to do if I would have done it.... but would I change it -- honestly no I don't think so.......

BUT the 6 months when I tried being poly -- when I identified myself as poly -- those months I would take back.  I was still pretty vulnerable after the ending with W .... and still pretty easily influenced.  I was seeing myself as this uptight -- straight laced -- old fashioned woman who needed to get with the times.  SO I tried poly -- and I never felt right in my skin.  My voices were probably the loudest during that time... I was probably my most insecure during that time....... BUT it was such a learning time for me -- and just as I was reaching the end of my tolerance for being someone's '2nd'.... the outsider -- Sir Steve walked back into my life........ 
I believe every stage of my life has been a learning experience -- a time for growth -- and even the poly stage taught me I am a 'one man woman' that being old-fashioned and straight laced is who I am and there is not a damn thing wrong with that!!!  So my poly stage prepared  my heart and head for Sir Steve and my commitment to him........

So basically no -- I guess there is no 6 month period that I would want a 'do-over'  

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  Eric51 Amy49 said...My favorite picture is the one of the building with all of the stairs along the outside

I love that picture of the outside staircase too.... it was taken at RMC (Royal Military College) in Kingston.  I dearly miss the photo opportunities in Montreal.  There outside staircases are the norm in the downtown section.  Tourists take pictures of them all the time as they are rather unique.  I don't miss living in Montreal -- but I do miss the photo opportunities..... there is so much history in Montreal ............. maybe one day Sir Steve and I can take a little holiday and return to Montreal and I can spend days wandering the city with my camera taking all the shots I am sorry I missed when I lived there............... 
 

Q&A

 


Right !  so March is question and answer month -- and yesterday I did get a couple of questions to answer..... and one opinion on the question I asked about consent violation........ 


Roz said...Questions: What is your favourite movie?
 Favourite movie....  well you might all be disappointed in me -- no arty farty movie for me -- no philosophical movie for me -- no thought provoking movie for me..... nope there are 2 movies PLUS the sequels that I love ... .the first is Lethal Weapon -- I LOVE Danny Glover and Mel Gibson.  The second is Die Hard..... the first one I watched (and I have no idea what number it was in the series) was the Christmas one that took place in the Nakatomi Plaza -- saw it and was hooked !! 

Favourite place you have visited? 
That would be  Albuquerque New Mexico.  I took myself there to visit a friend the Christmas that I turned 50.  My whole world had been turned upside down and I was starting all over again.... and was desperately looking for some answers and peace.  Albuquerque will always stand out in my mind as the most 'zen' place I have ever visited.... especially the morning I took my coffee out on the balcony and watched the hot air balloon festival. 

 


  lindy thomas said...What is one thing you pack when travelling?
 I would say it has to be my camera and all the lens / accessories.  I rarely travel -- even just a day trip - without it.  and because I know you'd just LOVE to see some of my photos here ya go................... 

If you could live anywhere in the world where would you choose?
that's easy - Japan.  I have always had a fascination with all things oriental -- and definitely felt a strong cosmic pull to Japan.  Years and years ago -- when Hong Kong was still British -- my husband went there to work for a number of weeks. I was SO very jealous -- I was unable to accompany him....... but he did take lots of pictures for me and shared lots of stories.  Visiting Japan is definitely on my 'bucket list' 

And with reference to my question about 'consent violations' Roz offered.... 


Everone seems to be getting on the consent bandwagon, IMHO it's in danger of getting out of hand. I'm not on Fetlife so wasn't aware of the chatter there.

 my mind literally hurts from listening to all the talk and trying to sort out what the hell is going on......... I believe it's a whole lot more than women feeling empowered to come forward.......... but I am still working on it....... trust me there will be a blog entry coming.......... (once I strengthen my armor cause I know there's gonna be a whole lot of blow back -- and accusations of 'victim shaming')