Tuesday, August 04, 2009
It just fits
Yesterday obviously my words were muddled and most seemed to come away with a muddied idea of what i was trying to say.................
so i will make myself perfectly clear here today .. now.
i have no doubt as to who i am or what i am. and i am very happy with my place in the grand scheme of things.
i am a masochist. why i am a masochist - who knows and who cares - certainly not me.
When i was very young.... i used to play cowboys and indians in the forest with my friends.. i always volunteered to be the indian.. i always made sure i got caught.. i always asked / begged to be tied up.. and i always ALWAYS complained they didn't tie me tight enough.. i would tug on the ropes and love the feel of them cutting into my skin.
When i became too old to play at kid games.. i discovered quite by accident that cutting was a wonderful game to play by myself. i can still see myself sitting in my bedroom with razor blade held ever so gently in my hand.. can still see myself carving patterns into my arms and legs......... which of course drove a whole mess of people nuts - my parents included. And they never got it.. never once did they get it.. i didn't do it to "hurt myself" i did it to bring on delicious pain. It didn't scare me .. i wasn't down or suicidal or deeply depressed when i did it.. i did it much the same way that others masturbate.. it made me feel good !!!
i learned quickly to stop cutting as it appeared to be socially unacceptable behaviour - something i didn't quite understand.. it felt right to me??!!!
i said i cut the way some people masturbated - to feel good. i didn't masturbate - honest to god, cross my heart and hope to die - until long after i was married. AND i remember feeling like i was doing something really wrong and would go to hell for doing it. Definitely NOT the feelings that i got from cutting. weird eh??
And then i discovered the whole world - wonderful world - of BDSM.. where folks actually hurt other folks and no one thought it wrong. And trust me i wanted me some of THAT.
And i got it.
And it felt just like puzzle pieces coming together in a perfect fit.
i am truly blessed that i have found a Sir who is mostly Sadist (with a good measure of GOS - good old Sir - thrown in )
So for those of you out there.. and you know who you are.. that screamed ABUSE after my (and Sir's last posting) you don't know of what you speak.
i am a masochist
Sir is a Sadist
and we fit together perfectly.