"pity party"

A submissive who's blog i read regularily posted recently she was having a "pity party" ... very descriptive term isn't it??? Maybe that is what i am having today.. yesterday.... who knows when it started?? BUT this is MY pity party......

i finished work on Thursday .. celebration time... well it always used to be a time of celebration... but do i deserve a celebration this year?? i couldn't hold it together for the 10 months.. actually i only lasted 7 months total.... do i deserve a celebation that the year is over?? i want one though.. i want to go out to the little inn in the country.. sit by the water at sunset.. eat a leisurely dinner.. watch the boats on the river.. and feel the sweetness of summer freedom flow through my body, just like all those other years at the end of June.

Friday was our National holiday.. Canada Day.. a time that has always concided with the end of my working year - part of my celebration. Originally W/we had 3 different activities to participate in on Friday....... By Thursday night the only activity i was allowed to participate in was cleaning the house.

Friday i cleaned and organised.. W/we were having a party for friends in the lifestyle on Saturday.... the house was sparkling.. even the addition to the playroom was completed on time.. painted and all the framed pictures hung. i was pleased.. i hoped Sir would be pleased as well.... Sir arrived hot and tired ... W/we had a quiet afternoon.. quiet supper.. and then surprise surprise late in the evening Sir told me to fetch the needles.... there was a small needle play session.... then off to bed..

Saturday was last minute shopping /running around in preparation for Saturday night's festivities... and then 20 people arrived and were entertained. A swap meet/play party. my stomach was in knots .. would it work?? something like this really hadn't ever been tried before.....Final analysis.. everyone seemed to enjoy themselves and some even did some swapping. Sir had taken me down and put me on the cross late into the party... but i guess neither one of U/us was really into it......... it lasted a total of maybe10 minutes... then He took me down off the cross whispering in my ear .. that there would be more.. a promise of fun on Sunday..

Sunday.... tired .. feeling as though i was hung over (even though i never touch liquor.. i do manage to suffer the feelings of a hangover from time to time :(
Sir seemed playful.. spraying me occasionally with the water bottle reserved for the kitty cat's training.... playfully i asked if i was His kitty cat. A little sexual teasing ....
my body felt like it was wired .. electric currents running across the skin.. inside the need was so big it hurt !!!

Then the invite to go to a friend's house for coffee and a swim....... and i knew .. i was doomed.. doomed !!! There would be no further play.. no release from the need that clawed at my guts like a living being.

Ya know... i can understand orgasm denial... if i was told that is what was happening i could accept it.. i would even enjoy it !!! If i was told that i was gonna suffer from endophin withdrawals to please my Sir i would accept .. i would even enjoy it! It would all be part of a big plan....... BUT that is not it.. there is no planned withholding of pleasure.. there just isn't enough time or energy left for me..... and so today i admit i am having a pity party. Just for me.. no one else is invited.

Maybe one day i will really and truly get this... but for now.. i will simply celebrate my pity party.