A while back my profile on Fetlife said something to the effect of "I don't mind being #2 or #3 or even #4." Meaning I wanted to play and was quite happy fitting into someone's schedule. A tentative step towards poly I think........
Then I met Daddy Dom who said I deserved to be someone's #1... and it had a really nice ring to it... BUT I wanted to play and at that moment in time being somewhere down someone's list of priorities seemed ok.....
And then - things started to pick up...... Daddy Dom was playing with me - but he always said he wanted "poly"
Then I met The Sadist - and he only wanted someone to play with - no strings attached.
And so - for a while now I have been struggling with old terms like slut ..... but I didn't really feel that term fit ....... not the "slut" i had been taught not to be (did you follow that one?? LOL)
And I realized - most of the time - I am very happy with the relationships I have formed. I don't mind not being someone's #1.
BUT I didn't really have a word for what I had...... and I do like things explained, labelled, and wrapped up neatly with a bow. And so I struggled.
Then ...... wow ........ I read something over on Fetlife that talked about 'solo polyamory'. And another piece to the puzzle - that has become my life - fell into place.
From what I understood from the writing - I didn't need a primary partner to be poly I could be poly with myself as #1. I certainly don't lie to the men I am playing with and I feel connections to each of them - different types of connections - but still connections.
So maybe being my own #1 is enough.
and there's more to come Part 2 and Part 3 - the words just kept coming :)