I have a problem. My woman's bits and pieces have dried up. So the doctor told me. And is the reason I bleed after sex. The doctor talked me into using some estrogen cream once a week to re-vitalize my womanly bits and pieces.
I didn't really want to.............. it made me angry I guess. I went through menopause without any HRT because of my fear of cancer. And here I am happily sitting on the other side of that fence - safely through menopause - and now I need hormones. Doesn't seem fair to me........... honestly it doesn't.
No one talks about this drying up process - shriveling up in my mind. Growing old and just shriveling up.... good for what???
The other problem is - my womanly bits and pieces may be drying up - but my desire - my need - has grown stronger. Now that makes sense right??? Shrivel it all up - make it useless but let the body still crave it. Yeah - some big joke on me.
That is not to say it hurts to have sex - it doesn't. But bleeding for days afterwards is not much fun............. bit of a turn off to be honest.
Anyway I have been on the cream for 3 weeks now and the other day I asked for permission to masturbate. I got it...... and I did it... and .. lo and behold I didn't bleed. That was a pleasant surprise.
But masturbating is not like it used to be........... cause now W is around .. and it embarrasses me........... and it doesn't help that W tells me not to make too much noise. So when I did it I was as quiet as a church mouse...... but the vibrator sounded loud - like a giant cement mixer........... and when I asked / joked the next day about whether or not I was quiet enough.......... W said he heard me. and I just kinda dried up inside. Not the womanly bits - but my soul.
W doesn't use me for sex anymore - and masturbating is now embarrassing - so now I am wondering do I really need this damn estrogen cream anyway??? Maybe if I just don't think about it... my need.. my desire will dry up like my womanly bits......and that will be the end of it.
Old ... dried up....ugly ... not desirable/sexy anymore...
just not a very pretty picture in my mind.