Saturday, March 31, 2012

Scared



Every evening this week - when W would ask how I was - my answer has been "so tired - so very tired".  And this exhaustion hasn't just been this week - it has been growing for weeks and weeks now............ and it scares me. 

There is nothing physically wrong with me - I know why I am tired - I have been here before.  The future looms ahead of me with more questions than answers - I want guarantees.... I want to know I am going to be OK.  But no one can answer those questions for me... 

I am like the little kid on the diving board - staring down into the blue water below me - not knowing if I will be ok if I take that final step off the board - take the step over the edge.  Will I sink to the bottom - or will I float??? (forget swim - I can't even wrap my mind around the fact I might just be able to swim!)

And the problem stems from - I want to retire.  I always said I would know when I was ready - and I am oh so ready........ now.  

But I never found time or the finances - to put money away for this day.  I always joked I would work till they carried me out feet first.  

Working is safe.  I know exactly how much money is coming in every month - I know I can pay my bills .... I know I can take care of myself.  

But retirement??? not so much.  I have worked and re-worked the budget every which way ..... trying to find a way to retire and pay my bills - cutting every single minute frivolous thing out - trying to make it work.  And for now - it doesn't......... work that is.

Maybe if I didn't have a mortgage - didn't have condo fees (extraordinarily high condo fees I might add - almost as much as my mortgage high) 

But I DO have a mortgage and high condo fees - and there is nothing to do about it.  That is the way it is.

I have to find a way of reconciling that I am not going to be able to retire now...... maybe not for a good many years.......... maybe It would be better if I put my energies into finding a way to cope with long days - and kids that tear my heart out - and systems that make no sense - and muddle along earning good money (yeah yeah I know I am lucky to have a job that pays good money!!) until I gain the courage to stop being scared and take that step off the diving board - and see if I can at least float ..... and maybe even swim.  


A life preserver would be nice..............

8 comments:

abby said...

From a recent retiree, I hear and know your fears. Luckily for me, it has worked out...and I love it. Hang in there, do you play the lottery? Maybe you are really neede where you are now, I know you have been a life savor to many children. abby

sensualfreak said...

I just spent my retirement when I quit my job. This isn't the first time so in a few years I will be thinking the same thing. Why didn't I save or plan better?

I think there comes a time when we all have those fears. I do believe you will swim...Good Luck!

Hermione said...

It worked out well for me too, but then I have a great pension. I love the freedom and the lack of pressure. Maybe you could try to pay off the mortgage by making extra payments as funds permit.

Hugs,
Hermione

Anonymous said...

The urge to retire but yet not feeling comfortable financially...like being between a rock and a hard place. Hope you can work things out. I had a friend who was in a similiar predicament. She retired then did tutoring at a good hourly rate to supplement income. Hang in there...wishing you the best.
Joyce

Ordalie said...

Do you mean your pension wouldn't be enough to live on?
What percentage of what you earn now would you have after retirement?
I don't want to sound nosy, it's just to compare with what I'm getting now since I'm retired and used to be a teacher too .

morningstar said...

@Ordalie - i would receive between 1/3 and 1/2 of what i currently earn.

Ordalie said...

Goodness me! I receive 80% of my former salary.

viemoira said...

*throws you giant fairy floaty*