Saturday, March 31, 2012
Every evening this week - when W would ask how I was - my answer has been "so tired - so very tired". And this exhaustion hasn't just been this week - it has been growing for weeks and weeks now............ and it scares me.
There is nothing physically wrong with me - I know why I am tired - I have been here before. The future looms ahead of me with more questions than answers - I want guarantees.... I want to know I am going to be OK. But no one can answer those questions for me...
I am like the little kid on the diving board - staring down into the blue water below me - not knowing if I will be ok if I take that final step off the board - take the step over the edge. Will I sink to the bottom - or will I float??? (forget swim - I can't even wrap my mind around the fact I might just be able to swim!)
And the problem stems from - I want to retire. I always said I would know when I was ready - and I am oh so ready........ now.
But I never found time or the finances - to put money away for this day. I always joked I would work till they carried me out feet first.
Working is safe. I know exactly how much money is coming in every month - I know I can pay my bills .... I know I can take care of myself.
But retirement??? not so much. I have worked and re-worked the budget every which way ..... trying to find a way to retire and pay my bills - cutting every single minute frivolous thing out - trying to make it work. And for now - it doesn't......... work that is.
Maybe if I didn't have a mortgage - didn't have condo fees (extraordinarily high condo fees I might add - almost as much as my mortgage high)
But I DO have a mortgage and high condo fees - and there is nothing to do about it. That is the way it is.
I have to find a way of reconciling that I am not going to be able to retire now...... maybe not for a good many years.......... maybe It would be better if I put my energies into finding a way to cope with long days - and kids that tear my heart out - and systems that make no sense - and muddle along earning good money (yeah yeah I know I am lucky to have a job that pays good money!!) until I gain the courage to stop being scared and take that step off the diving board - and see if I can at least float ..... and maybe even swim.
A life preserver would be nice..............