Friday, August 07, 2009

BDSM versus Abuse dedicated to Christina

What is abuse?

The oxford dictionary defines abuse as "treating cruelly or violently - to speaking in an insulting and offensive way"

Conservative estimates show statistics of 1 million women suffering nonfatal violence by an intimate each year.

Nearly 1 in 3 adult women will experience at least one physical assault during adulthood.

How to Recognise Domestic Abuse:
* hitting, slapping, threatening.
* forcing sexual acts
* isolation from family and friends
* constant drain on your finances
* constantly having to watch what you say
* you feel worthless
* you are blamed for all their misfortunes
* extreme jealousy
* inappropriate outbursts
* verbal behaviour of interrupting, threats, name calling

(Note: any or all of the above may be present in a relationship suffering from domestic abuse)

How does Domestic Abuse differ from BDSM?
* S/m is based on SAFE, SANE, CONSENSUAL
Abuse is not

*S/m is a controlled environment
Abuse is an out of control environment

*S/m has safe words to stop the scene
Abuse does not use safe words

*S/m - the dominant looks out for the well being of the submissive
Abusers do not care about the victim

* S/m is about trust
in abuse - there is no trust

* S/m builds self esteem
Abuse destroys self esteem

* S/m builds the spirit of the submissive
An Abuser destroys the spirit of the victim

* S/m there is mutual respect
in Abusive relationships there is no respect


"if thou dost ill, the joy fades, not the pains.
if well, the pain doth fade, the joy remains.
- Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
please note: the above was written for a BDSM information web site, as well as published in a local BDSM magasine.

i feel i am qualified to write the above - by the degrees hanging on my office wall and the number of years i have spent counseling abused women and children - as well as the number of years i have spent in the Lifestyle.

Please do not use this article or any part of it without permission from myself or my Sir.


7 comments:

selkie said...

succinct, to the point and BEAUTIFULLY underlines the differences! BRave morningstar!

BlazngScarlet said...

Excellent morningstar!
Clear, concise, to the point.

Christina said...

I have a Mentor friend, morningstar who has dabbled not only in Hedonism and D/s but has many degrees hanging up on his wall; he counsels abused men & women. And when I told him about how you chastised me for having an opinion on what I considered Abuse in BDSM and how your very sadistic Master carved a figure 8 upon your buttocks; his comment was: Christina you certaintly have a penchant for finding "crazies" on the Internet. And that the multilatee and the multilator aren't working with a full deck of cards!!!!!...

selkie said...

Christina, I am sure your friend meant well, but he very obviously has 'dabbled" only lightly into the world of BDSM. I would also venture that he has very little familiarity with D/s or M/s associated with sadism/masochism - as S/m is not, by any means, ALWAYS linked to the dynamic.

However, I do find it surprising that if he has counselled abused individuals, that he is not familiar with the mindset that accepts that sometimes emotional pain engendered by past abuses can find a healthy outlet in a safe, sane and consenual manner - and that abused individuals are NOW given credit for sometimes understanding more so than the one who counsels, what works for them.

Having said that, there are many of us out there WITHOUT any history of abuse (of any sort) that enjoy a certain degree of physical pain (or sensation - its all semantics) which acts as a focus and a release. I would argue that simply because our bodies and minds process certain physical realities differently than others does not make us by defintion "crazies".

That indeed is a narrow-minded interpretation of choices made by rational human beings and smacks of paternalism and a touch of fanatcism.

Both myself and others have written often of what we get from the masochistic designation and why we enjoy what we do (I have many blogs on it - if you want links or look you'll find them).

Also, the term "mutilation" in this context is erroneous - as mutilation carries with it the connotation of loss of limb or permanent loss of body part.

Christina said...

No Selkie, my friend has lived the life of a hedonistic and had 'slaves' in his 64 yrs of life.
So he knows from 1st hand experience. I fail to see why you would question his qualifications to counsel abused men and women but you don't the qualifications of littleone? Either you have the qualifications to give out 'psychological' advice or your just a 'closeted' shrink!!!

selkie said...

actually, I didn't speculate about his qualifaictions as I have no idea what they are- and I AM actually very familiar with morningstar's (as I know her offline as well as on) - regardless, my point didn't address his "qualificaitons" or lack thereof, but rather, his rather narrowminded interpretation of two rational individuals who follow an alternate lifestyle.

It is, under any circumstances, judgmental and VERY obviously from someone who has very little experience with the consensual practice of sadism/masochism - whatever he tells you. And that is not "professional" advice but simply my view on the information you have given me and his reactions - an opinion, nothing more.

I am and never have pretended to be other than what I am - and that doesn't include counselling anyone. However, in MY 53 years and 25+ years experience in one of what you and he term a "crazy" dynamic - I speak only from experience.

However, you obviously are hidebound by conventional viewpoints, and are unable to grasp that there is more than one way to live a healthy life, so in that respect, I can see that it is pointless to continue a discussion where one individual has already set her opinion in stone - and that ain't me.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Christina and her mentor would consider it abuse if the "8" had been inked, branded, or etched on by a professional tattooist.


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