Miss Ashes

 Miss Ashes July 2000 - May 31 2017

UGH!

One of the headaches about using moderation on comments is that I don't always get a notification that a comment has been left.

I didn't see any comments on my post about Miss Ashes... until this morning.  And I feel badly.  If you are gonna leave a comment I want to stay on top of them and make sure they are published as soon as possible.  BUT I never got a notification.  I know I have heard a few folks in blogland complaining about the same thing... am thinking it might be a setting.  So later this afternoon (when I get home) I will take a look.

Until I figure it out -- please be patient ....... and don't stop commenting please!  I love getting them...

Miss Ashes

This is "Miss Ashes" .... she turns 18 in July 

She is one bossy bitch.  When we moved to Cornwall -- she bossed the dog (a lab for god's sakes! ) so much so that now the dog submits to her.  

She climbs up on Sir Steve's lap every opportunity she gets.  And every night at bedtime she walks up the bed between us to get her 'snuggles' from him.  She has snuggled with me when I was alone and feeling lost ... She has laid beside me while I recuperated from surgery..... And she has tried bossing me around too -- demanding her dinner at 5:30 sharp!  and fresh water every morning.

5 years ago the vet was worried about a lump in her groin area.  I put my foot down -- no tests -- if it was serious she would come home with me and I would take care of her.  

And still she has carried on.... eating sleeping playing (occasionally).

But recently she has started poohing on our bed.... or on the sofa... she is throwing up more.... and the latest thing she is chewing the fur off her belly.  This morning she asked to go out and I took her -- but she didn't show much interest in exploring the grass / yard.  She laid down at the top of the stairs and cried 

I brought her back in and she has gone off to hide.

It might sound really hard but I don't want to take her to the vets.... they cost so much money and honestly I don't have it........ and she is 18 years old!  

I remember when Squirt (my male cat) got sick some years ago -- I spent over $1500 on vet bills in the period of 5 days and then I still had to put him down.

I don't know what to do ya know?? I feel like a terrible fur mother because I can't afford a vet....... and a worse fur mother for not being able to decide about her quality of life.

Recharging weekend........

As is often the way -- the weekend didn't turn out the way we had planned

It was supposed to rain all weekend -- with thunder storms thrown in for good measure.  We had alternate plans -- like watching movies, reading and sex and more sex.

As it turned out -- other than Friday evening -- it really didn't rain.  The sun didn't shine but it didn't rain.  I did get some reading done -- we watched one movie --- I coped with an icky tummy..... soooo ..........we  recharged our batteries sleeping.

On the plus side though -- I did get the last of the Lobelia planted for the deck.... and on the way home on Sunday we stopped at TSC because we heard they were carrying garden fairies.  Last summer saw one of my favourite fairies broken by an unruly 4 year old.... AND..... I did want to add a couple of new fairies ......
I may have gotten a little carried away with the number I bought -- but I couldn't resist....... 

I am already sorting out where they will go in the fairy garden next weekend .  Of course there will be pictures coming once they are placed!!

OH and I summoned up some courage (for lack of a better word) and dragged Sir Steve into the bedroom when we got home on Sunday for a little 'appetizer' before dinner.... as my icky tummy was feeling a little better.

So all in all -- it was a good weekend.........

Sunday Sentiments

and I am SO very lucky to have found a man 'with bigger hands' !

The Truth of the Matter

After my post Fully Aware ......... I had a comment from someone who wanted to know how I would handle my "infamous Anonymous" poster.   

Interestingly enough it was posted by an anonymous commenter......  not to be paranoid or anything ...... BUT........... I'm honestly not sure it wasn't the original poster.. (no way of telling really when one posts anonymous)

I have had nasty commenters before on here -- mostly connected to my old dom ..... and the only way to handle them -- really -- is to ignore them..... which is why I put moderation on.  This way their sick comments can't be seen ... they can't get a reaction from anyone.... and I don't have a knee jerk reaction to answer them.  (when they come in -- I simply hit 'delete forever'...... and POOF it's gone)

BUT for the record... 

I was accused of being childish -- and mean to my stalker (awwwww my heart bleeds)

Anonymous told me if they were Sir Steve they would have kicked my ass to the curb for posting about his child! NEWS FLASH -- I don't post anything - ANYTHING - about Sir Steve's family without his permission -- and when it involves pictures I always make sure her face isn't fully visible and again he ok's it.  

I was told they could trace me from here to my facebook page and I call bullshit.

Actually I call bullshit on all of it.

And moderation stays ...... 

Friday?? Already??!!

I can't believe the weekend is here........ between Sir Steve's new hours at work and the lil one's allergies and my icky tummy -- the week has flown by.

And here I am packing up to go to the trailer for the weekend.  A rainy miserable weekend according to the weather forecast. 

BUT I have a good book...... we have some films we want to watch....... and a nice big Queen sized bed for some play time....... 

Hope you all get what you need this weekend........... 

Glamping

That's a picture of a part of our camp grounds -- if you follow the road that runs up the middle - all the way to the top and go round the corner.... you found us! (more or less)

The weekend didn't start off too well weather wise.... we awoke to rain on Saturday and cool damp temperatures.  We had some messages to run in Quebec so off we went.  We popped in to visit with youngest daughter and family.   Eldest daughter was there as well -- as their father had had heart surgery a week prior and had just been discharged.  
Eldest daughter had brought us girls a gift -- a "not for any special reason" gift..... 

It's rather neat actually -- similar to all the 'best friend' necklaces -- this is a sibling and mom necklace.  The girls fit the pieces together and discovered without Mom in the middle it didn't fit.  Proof positive that Moms do hold the family together (grinning)

Sunday dawned bright and warm.  Sir Steve helped eldest daughter and her fiance  pull out the ugly -- rickety stairs to their trailer and put in a new 
set ........... 

Monday was hot and gorgeous........ a day spent sitting in the sun reading.... feet up.. no stress.  Even the dog got into the spirit of "lazy days of summer"..... 

By 4 o'clock we had packed up and headed back to the city ........... Sir Steve started a new work schedule this week -- 6 am till 4:30 ......... we're gonna need the weekends at the campsite to recharge our batteries more than ever now !!

 

Fist Pump

I collapsed into the pillows and whispered "I think you broke me" ... and he laughed and answered "broke eh?? well then ...... no more sex for you"  

And I whimpered.

The next night he whispered in my ear -- 'still broken?' and I whispered back "no definitely not still broken" ........... 

And he took me back to bed.......... 

my memory has only disjointed words to describe it....... 
teasing....... needing.......... pounding....... and mouth screaming into the pillow ... hands grabbing the bars...... arching back....... more pounding.... finger nails biting into my hips......

No not broken.......... 

AND........

 He's back - better than ever !!!

Sunday Sentiments

Fully Aware

My 'friend' Anonymous has been back on my blog.... leaving poison pen comments.  Don't bother looking it got dumped almost as soon as it came in........

I am putting moderation back on my blog (sorry to all of you who learned the lesson 'if you don't have anything nice to say..........' )  I just don't want anyone else to read the garbage that some folks leave.  I don't mind disagreements/debates but I do take offense to name calling..... and trying to push my buttons!

Now on to the latest news around here.......... 

Last night we spent 5 hours in emergency with the lil one -- the joys of no family doctor and walk in clinics closing early.  Unfortunately due to budget cuts we didn't get to see a doctor -- and we decided to bring her home to bed.  This morning I was up early -- got her all ready for "Royalty Day" at school and took her myself to the local walk in clinic.  It only took us 3 hours to see a doctor and get a new prescription for the rash.  It is indeed an allergy and he is pretty sure it is from walking through the woods at the campground.  (joy oh joy!)

She's now safely ensconced at school and then off to her mothers.  Sir Steve and I will have 3 days to ourselves (it's a long weekend here in the Great White North -- YAY!)

Here's to 'wine time' tonite .......... I need it!

Crazy Life

It would be really REALLY nice if life would settle down and become normal....... but I am thinking THIS is my new normal!!

Yesterday morning the lil one woke up with swollen eyes and a rash around her mouth........ ALLERGY ALERT!!  Because no one in this house has ever had allergies before... there were no meds to give her......... So.......... Sir Steve called the school told them the lil one would be late (if she showed up at all) and left for work.  When the drugstore opened I took the lil one over to pick up some antihistamines ... dosed her in the car...... took her shopping with me to see if things improved or if she fell asleep on me.......... After about 40 minutes her face looked better and she hadn't fallen asleep -- but was fussing because she was missing school - so I drove her to school.  Then I went and finished the shopping and running messages.

I had a project I wanted to do on the computer -- which took a couple of hours at least -- and then I tried to print it.  Of course the printer refused to work ... and it took me another hour or so to sort it out... only to print one page of my project and have the printer shut down and tell me I needed more ink?!!!  

Today is better -- but not by much.
The lil one woke up with swollen eyes again ....... so more meds and put her on the bus.  I am stumped what could be causing this.... yesterday I thought it might have been the almonds in the salad we had for supper -- but I don't think she should have still been reacting today...... 

I am baking up a storm trying to get sweets baked and frozen to take us through the summer ....... and of course I picked a  couple of new recipes -- and they're finicky -- not just mix and dump on cookie sheets ......... le sigh.

On the bright side -- I think we are gonna have a lesson in nature and birthing ..... this morning when I was outside I could hear this 'cooing' sound.  But it wasn't a normal cooing -- it sounded stressed.  So I started scanning the roof tops and wires.. couldn't see anything.......... 

Then a pigeon flew in and landed on the wires between our house and next door and was peering into the rain gutter.  

Suddenly a head popped up.... Momma?? ....... she was making the weirdest cooing sounds I have heard... certainly sounded stressed... and her back was moving up and down like mad 

I honestly don't know much about pigeons -- she could just be hungry or hurt.... but something tells me she's laying her eggs.......... we could have some new 'neighbours'..... now that will be fun!!

Life is good even when it's crazy .........

Project Weekend

I am sorry I just kinda disappeared from Blogland for a couple of days last week.  The words wouldn't come....... life was (as I said) kicking my ass.  BUT on the positive side for the FFF I did lose a whole pound -- YAY!

But we had a really good weekend.  I made my lists and virtually everything made it from the city to the campgrounds.  (well except for a salad which we picked up early Saturday morning)

This was 'projects' weekend.  I had ideas!!  (Sir Steve will learn to duck and run in future when I say 'I have an idea') 

In my mind the campsite should be rustic -- and cosy -- and well, kind of 'rustic chic'.  Last summer when we walked around the sites - everywhere I looked were christmas lights strung all around the campsites -- decks so BIG and overbearing they took over the lot - and some sites looked like 'hoarders' lived there.  

So over the winter I developed 'an idea'.

On Saturday morning we went and ordered some stone for the fire pit area.... we found a lovely indoor/outdoor rug I wanted for the deck and the price was too good to pass up!!  And I had my mason jars and little battery operated tea lights........... 

So........... 

the stone was delivered............. 

Sir Steve removed the fire pit -- spread the stone -- leveled the area and rebuilt the fire pit.......  

We had been given a patio set by Sir Steve's parents -- but the patio table that came with it was way too big for our city deck....... I had this idea to combine it with the park bench that was sanded and painted last summer --  

We moved the park bench down to the fire pit -- put the glass table behind it -- and added a lantern and some plant pots (the plants will come later when it warms up ) 

Then I had this idea for twinkling lights in the trees (something I stumbled across on Pinterest  ......... I picked up some old fashioned mason jars -- hemp -- and the hot glue gun.............. 

The final result was this............ 

I didn't have my good camera with me -- so no pictures of them lit at night - but hopefully you can use your imagination............... 


Then - finally - I wanted to sort out / organise the deck.  Last year it was a jumble of furniture with no flow -- and no defined areas........... 

I had brought up my wicker furniture and bought some new blue cushions........ the blue rug went in the round corner as you come up the steps to the deck -- creating a nice 'visiting' area -- great for morning coffee and even better for afternoon wine......... 

Then move forward a few steps and you have the eating area with the table and chairs....... 

And tucked into the back corner of the deck is the barbeque -- right beside the steps down to the fire pit area.........  

Sunday was spent thoroughly enjoying the new organisation outside (and inside -- I have put everything into labeled containers in the cupboards -- my OCD is very pleased and under control!) 

Now everything is ready for the summer........ 
and that is a good thing !!

Grating on My Nerves

On Monday I wrote about 'my stalker'......... and I posted an edited version to Fetlife.

I never once mentioned his name on here or Fetlife -- but he came back (on Fetlife) with a diatribe about me -- using my name. I expected it so no surprise.  What did annoy me though -- was how he versed it.. calling me a liar and saying I was talking bullshit.  How he 'the good guy' was simply returning something I had left behind when I left.

I thought I could ignore it -- that's always been his modus operandi -- trying to make himself look good -- just doing the 'right thing' etc -- but it's been grating on me ever since.  I am so tired of his acting all high and mighty -- the wounded one in all this. 

So let's set the record straight.
A month after I left him I got a legalese worded letter telling me I had 10 days to remove my belongings from his house (like I had left stuff!!)  and if it wasn't removed he would dispose of it as he saw fit.

This all important package he just HAD to return to me 3 years after the fact -- contained 2 ears of popping corn.... and it might be interesting to note they are 4 years old and probably as stale as stale can be.

He is not fooling me -- not one little bit.  He was not doing a good deed - he was not returning my things......... he was showing me he could still find me!  He knew where I spend my summers -- if that's not stalking me I don't know what is!!  

oh yeah -- I almost forgot -- just like every other time I have called him on the rug for stalking me he has yelled to the heavens that he was done -- through -- never contacting me again............ every single time!  Yet he continues to do so...... why?? because he wants me to know he's watching me -- he wants back in my head.  Because he can't admit to himself he never had any real control over me -- I didn't swallow his excuses for the other women -- I didn't swallow his woe's me attitude ... AND I didn't let his threats of suicide sway me - anymore. 

AND I have made up my mind -- that a restraining order /police involvement might be necessary to finally put an end to this.   

I am done!  

 

Old -- just plain old

Last night as I climbed into bed I realized I was exhausted -- more than physically tired -- mentally and emotionally 

The other day Sir Steve said 'you only have the lil one for 3 hours a day by yourself -- that's not too much'.  And he's right -- in numbers it isn't too much. But in between those hours I am cleaning the house ... baking.. making meals... planning meals... doing budgets... buying the groceries....doing the laundry....and now planning for the weekends at the campsite -- what foods we need - what clothes -- what little things need to be purchased........... 

Twenty years ago I did that and more -- working full time.  

But twenty years ago I was 20 years younger. 

And this weekend I discovered my youngest daughter is bent out of shape -- because according to her logic -- her birthday is never special.  never not once.  We'll just forget all those kid birthday parties I did for years and years..... or all the birthdays I drove 3 hours to attend and turned around and drove 3 hours home.  We won't discuss the fact that this year she went on a cruise for her birthday only arriving home on her birthday. 

Now eldest daughter is bringing up all the times she didn't feel special -- when her feelings were hurt.... and me -- the Mom -- I just keep nodding and saying I understand you are hurt..... 
Anyone want to take 1 minute and remember all the times I was ignored -- left alone -- and not made to feel special??? I keep thinking -- 'suck it up buttercup -- that's life!' But it's all draining me - and making me feel like the worst mother EVER!

Sir Steve has asked more than once over the last few days what he can do to help....... 

But he works long hours and is exhausted -- I am not going to add to his day.

I'm just getting old........... forget 'getting' .......  AM old.

And season 2 begins...........

It was for the most part a beautiful -- almost perfect -- weekend!  We packed up the car with bins and bins of 'stuff' that turns the trailer into home for the summer.  I was not looking forward to the cleaning of said trailer........ I was terrified we would find dead mice or even worse baby mice.  I "suggested" if Sir Steve really loved me -- he would go up to the trailer on Saturday and clean it up before texting me the 'coast was clear'.......... but that didn't hold much water in his books (cheeky grin)

So I packed 4 pairs of rubber gloves -- buckets and cleaning supplies and we headed off early Saturday morning.  

After all the bins were unloaded 

the cleaning began....... 

I am pleased to report that there were no dead mice -- no baby mice -- and no damage to the trailer.  There was however lots of mouse poop -- UGH! -- so there was lots of cleaning!

Once the cleaning was done -- and the bins unpacked - bed made -- food stored -- AND measurements taken for my new ideas on organising the awkward storage cupboards...... Sir Steve and I went for a long walk - visited with old friends -- spent time with eldest daughter and her soon to be husband -- we were delighted the lil one ran over to visit with us freely ... and she even spent time visiting with her new Aunt and Uncle.

We had our first barbecue of the season and an absolutely wonderful night in bed.  I teasingly told Sir Steve he must have a 'trailer fetish'.

Sunday was a lazy day -- reading in the sunshine -- making plans for a reno to our fire pit area......... and then the drive home in time for dinner and prep for the work week ahead.

Here's to our entire summer being as wonderful as our first weekend !!!

My Stalker

Many many years ago I had a Dom very interested in me.  We had negotiated and played and he was fun... he was!

He once told me he could find me ...anywhere... even at work.  (now remember I was a teacher -- under a board that had many schools) I laughed and said 'good luck with that'.   Imagine my surprise when he showed up at my school and got in........ and showed up in my office.   BUT there was a part of me that was flattered that he would actually hunt me down.  No warning bells -- no red flags.  Colour me naive.

Time passed and we were together for many years... He collared me - he even registered me on the slave registry.  When it was good it was very good -- when it went bad -- it went very bad.  

I moved ... out of his house but still in the same city.

And I thought he was out of my life.

Until he wasn't.  I had blocked him on the net....... blocked his phone number -- blocked and blocked.  So he mailed me letters.  Mailed me gifts.  I called him a stalker and he got very insulted -- and very verbal.  But he disappeared.  (for awhile)

But seriously in the back of my mind I still wasn't free from him.... I could and did bump into him at local shops.

Then the opportunity arouse for me to move to this new city.  And I took it.  AND I refused to give anyone -- ANYONE -- my new address. 

I felt safe finally!  I felt free finally!

Then in March Sir Steve got a message from the owners of the campgrounds.   A package had been delivered there for me.  HUH??? I had NO idea who would send me anything there.... So we ignored it.  

On Saturday we arrived at the campgrounds to spend the weekend opening the trailer.  When we checked in - the owner passed the 'package' that had arrived in the mail for me.  I stared at the envelope and felt a flash of emotions -- shock.... anger... and a tinge of fear.  The package was from this Stalker Dom.  Both Sir Steve and I were dumbfounded.  How the hell had he found me?!

BUT I posted pictures last year on Facebook on Sir Steve's wall -- of our camping experience -- and it was tagged with our location.  For me the scariest part -- was how much he knew about my new life......... right down to the lil one's name!!!!

The worst part -- ignore the fact I left him over 3 years ago -- ignore the fact I have called him a 'stalker' before and he was butt hurt ......... the worst part is he honestly thinks he's doing a good thing.  Each time he has mailed me something he thinks he's doing something N I C E !!  He doesn't understand how much of a stalker he is -- how f**king sick it is.  Let's not even talk about how many in the community have told me of stalkerish behaviours of his against others in the community... how many consent violations he has committed under the guise of "joking".  AND he blames me for his being ostracized from the community (le sigh)



One last attempt at getting the point across..............

(this has been cross posted in part to Fetlife)

Sunday Sentiments

which one are you??

I'm working on "intelligent people"

The Challenge

Well we are off to the campgrounds this morning.  

All week my stomach was fluttering -- this morning it is tied up in knots (and not the good kind of knots) 

It's weird really -- last summer I understood my nervousness as I hadn't come face to face with the mother or grandmother since Sir Steve and I were together.  This summer should be different -- I have seen the mother and grandmother every time we have gone to court.  I have endured the grandmother's cold shoulder and childish behaviours towards me.

But the thought of almost 5 months of living two doors down from them is almost too much.  And the memories of last summer and the nonsense I (we) had to endure -- and let's not forget the grandfather's threatening behaviour to me one night -- are the stuff my nightmares are made of these days.

Nothing in my life has prepared me for the mentality of these people!  Nothing in my life has taught me how to handle these people.  I do NOT do confrontation -- or confrontational people -- I just don't !  They definitely bring out the fight or flight reaction in me -- and it's the flight reaction that wins every time.

I did have a meme come across my Facebook feed the other day.  Something that made me stop and think........................

Maybe -- just maybe -- I will be smiling a lot this summer ..... 

Busy Week

What a busy week !!  Sir Steve started his new job on Monday (YAY!!) and I was in charge of the lil one - getting her on and off the bus -- doing her homework and all the little things that go along with amusing a 5 year old.  

In between times - I got the house cleaned - the laundry done -- made umpteen lists for camping - pulled the camping gear out of the basement and reorganised it and got it all packed neatly in nice large plastic bins........ OH YEAH -- and I went shopping for food for the trailer and for home -- and decided a trip to the liquor store was in order for some liquor/wine.

When I had a few free minutes I tried to organise my youngest's birthday party and a Mother's Day celebration for next weekend.  (Unfortunately it seems it won't happen -- the girls' father is scheduled to go into hospital for open heart surgery on the Friday)  shrug -- another missed Mother's Day...... 

Then there was the animal episode... the day the dog had an ear episode -- I tried to put in ear drops which didn't end well -- I had more ear drops on me than she got in her ears...... and during the melee I thought my indoor cat Miss Ashes -- 17 years old - had escaped into the neighbourhood.  My heart broke.  
Fortunately when the lil one came home Miss Ashes reappeared magically sitting beside her begging for some of her snack.  I wasn't sure if I was gonna kill the cat or hug her to death.  Her reaction was more a "what the hell is your problem!?"  

And now today -- the lil one has been shipped off to school and then to her mother's for the weekend ... I am baking muffins to take to the campsite (and praying for warm sunshine for the weekend)  

Sir Steve has some minor oral surgery this afternoon after work -- a night to recuperate then bright and early tomorrow we drag all the 'stuff' to the campgrounds and open the trailer for another summer of fun in the sun 
(if the sun decides to show up this year!!)

Tis the Season.......

It's camping season again...... well officially it starts this weekend.  How thrilled am I??  Well let's be honest -- 2 weeks ago we had an ice storm and snow on the ground.  The temperatures are hovering around 15 - 17 degrees ( around 59F to 62F) ...... doesn't that just make  you want to pull out the shorts and swim suits??!!

It is 'list' season for me -- list of clothing and bedding that needs to be packed up for the weekend -- lists of meals and food -- lists of shopping that needs to be done (like for bug spray -- cause the spring is 'no see 'um' season and dear god!!  I still have the scars from their bites/my reactions from last spring)  

It is planning season for me -- I like to think I am pretty good at 'minimalist' living -- but minimalist living in an RV is a far cry from minimalist living in the city!  Last year I was so stressed over things just being dropped everywhere -- food thrown into the pantry where ever it fit - piles of shorts and tops and underwear neatly folded one on top of the other in the small wee cupboard beside the beds -- finding space for paper towels and toilet paper ....... for shoes and boots (dear god we needed boots more than sandals ALL last summer!)  

Today I am going shopping -- I need to buy food for the week at home and food for the RV ....... I need to find the bug spray so I may just survive this spring season.  And bottles and bottles of javel to clean out the mouse poop and mouse pee -- and dear god maybe even dead mice bodies!

AND
I am making a list of all the lil jobs Sir Steve has to get done -- like fixing our bedroom door so we can actually have some privacy -- and when we are out -- we can actually keep the animals off our bed...... fixing the campfire area with crushed stone so we don't have to dodge the mud puddles after the rain......... 

oh........... yeah............ 

and then there is the joy of being 2 campsites down from the mother and her parents.  They were just such a ray of sunshine in my life last summer.

On the bright side -- my eldest daughter and her soon to be husband will be just across the road from us .... and that is a very good thing! 

Honestly  though -- once I get things organised and under control -- once the sun comes out and the weather warms up -- I'm gonna love camping!