Whimpers in the dark

Whispering in the dark "I need you - you know -- need you badly"

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Later ...........He was propped up over me -- his eyes staring down at me

I was holding my breath -- feeling his cock inside me -- not moving -- just plusing 

Heat building 

Biting my lip 
Wanting to feel that first thrust so badly

His eyes smiling at me 
Knowing what I needed / wanted
BUT waiting - making me wait for that exquiste moment............. 

Then he plunged deep inside of me 
Making my eyes open wide with the intensity of the feelings that washed over my body 
And through my body

My brain screamed 'thank you thank you " over and over 
As finally the orgasms hit 
My body arching off the bed to meet his thrusts

And his eyes - the same - staring down at me -- 
holding my gaze
Until the tremors slow down
And my body is just a shivering twitching clump of clay in his hands

Lastly
He rolls off me and pulls me in tight against his chest
soothing me with soft touches 
and even softer kisses
 

Character is Important

Yesterday, as planned, Sir Steve and I went to visit 3 'apartments' in the hopes of finding something that would be the perfect fit for me.

You have to know I tend to look at the 'cuteness' of a home -- like the first home I found (after my divorce) had a round kitchen (you had to see it to understand) I NEVER noticed all the faults with the house just the round kitchen.  

Sir Steve and I had an agreement -- I would look for the cuteness and the uniqueness and he would check things like structure and mould and other assorted problems. 

The first visit we had was to a 4 plex -- two on top -- two on the bottom.  The one we were looking at was one on the main level.  The minute we walked through the door I fell madly in love!  Talk about cute!  It has this smallish room you walk into -- that opens up into the living room.  The bedrooms and bathroom off the living room.  The kitchen is through the living room.  Lovely dark wood everywhere you look.  

It was hard to tell the size of the rooms because the tenants are in the 

process of packing -- so picture boxes everywhere -- as well as their furniture.  BUT it has a nice big eat in kitchen with a walk in pantry!!!  and laundry hook ups -- AND AND AND a basement!  Ok it's not a finished basement -- or good for anything much - other than storage and the cat's litter box -- but I have a basement!!

And the best news............ it's $400 less a month in rent compared to what I am paying now. When we got in the car Sir Steve gave it his stamp of approval and I bounced all the way to the next appointment.  We saw the other 2 places but my heart was in the first one....... it is perfect !

So I have filled in the tenant forms and wait to see if I am approved.  I have my fingers crossed ............ 

oh and I almost forgot -- another plus to this lil home is -- it's a 5 minute walk to Sir Steve's -- colour me one happy lady!!!

Moving Forward

The house/apartment hunt has officially begun !!!

Today Sir Steve and I have an appointment with a management company to see 3 different properties.  The exciting thing about Cornwall is they have a lot of duplexes and side by sides.  The above picture is of one that has caught my eye.

I am not going to jump on the first place I see - I am looking for unique and something that is me.  AND for those that know me -- you know I am gonna be feng shuing every property (grinning)

Keep your fingers crossed for me -- the search has begun !

Missing

Well I finished my last re-certification course and despite my high anxiety over the testing I passed with flying colours.

When I got home -- like usual -- I had way too much time on my hands.  I went to Fetlife and did some browsing...... folks were talking about a munch they all attended on Friday night and I felt a tug on my heart strings.  I miss the friends I have made over the last 3 years....... and I know my time with them all is fast coming to an end.  I need to be with Sir Steve -- I need to be closer to my children -- but it doesn't mean I am not gonna miss my friends who are like family - ya know?

Maybe some of it is -- circumstances have kept Sir Steve and I in the vanilla world too long.  I am missing being with like minded folks.  Maybe it's time I start looking for some parties to go to ...... maybe even a munch or two back in my old stamping grounds of Montreal....... 

Today I am headed back to Cornwall to be with Sir Steve when he sees the surgeon for his post op appointment.  I have taken this week off work as well -- one last week of being together 24/7 then back to the norm............ 

Life is good -- even with the small glitches.

Sunday Sentiments

Weird Feelings

Sooooooooooo I came back to Kingston yesterday because I have one more re-certification class to take this weekend.  AND I got bored last night -- so I was browsing through friend's profiles on FB -- rechecking their pictures etc.......... and something made me go to Sir Steve's ex's pictures.

Have you ever gone and looked at an ex's pictures / read their page (on whatever website)??? It's weird to see the happiness that was and is no more.  

I don't know why -- but I went through their wedding pictures .......... stupid mistake... it made me feel sad ya know -- that their love didn't last 
 
I thought my life was settled 4 years ago when I moved here with W -- thought it would be happily ever after...... when I look back on my pictures I feel incredibly sad .. kinda like I felt after looking at Sir Steve's pics

I don't honestly know where I am going with this thought process -- something about taking the risk to love again after you've been hurt....... that it's worth the risk of a broken heart to feel that love -- even if it's only for a short while........ that there's nothing more precious or wonderful than feeling loved and cherished and valued and something about the world being a little darker if  there was no love............  

SUPER NURSE!!

I couldn't jump over buildings in one leap 

I couldn't fight super villains

I couldn't fly 

BUT I did my best super nurse impressions -- making meals -- fetching coffee -- wiggling his toes -- and bringing him his pills.

This morning my patient declared he was walking his daughter to the bus -- so he crammed his foot into his shoe -- put on his hat and coat -- and limped off to the bus stop with her.

Me thinks my work here is done!!

Tomorrow I will return home -- get things up to date there -- take a First Aid course all weekend (the last - thank god - of my re-certifications needed to work here) and spend some alone time in my apartment.

Monday I will come back -- not as super nurse -- more as nosy girlfriend - 'cause he has an appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday morning -- and I really want to know how the surgery went -- what restrictions he has if any -- and just be there for him ya know -- 'cause I'm like that when I care for someone.

Jealousy Strikes

 With Sir Steve laid up with a gimpy foot -- it has given me lots of time to think.  I pride myself on being understanding and accepting of other people's feelings... and in return I expect the same understanding.

When relationships end -- and sometimes as they are ending -- jealousy rears it's nasty head.  It's not a pretty emotion.  It is a black hole that just swallows you up -- forget green eyed monster.  

Every new relationship comes with a mess of 'extra characters' -- it's certainly not a 'one man show' so to speak.  And the more 'characters' involved the more chance of jealousy showing up like an uninvited guest to a dinner party.

We are dealing with some jealousy .......... despite all our efforts to prevent it.  Sometimes it just can't be helped ya know??

There's been a fair amount of whining and acting out.  
There has been a fair amount of pushing me out of the way. 
There's even been some foot stamping.......... 

I suggested to Sir Steve that some extra attention and loving might be in order... 
I have been stepping back to make sure there was room for snuggling........ 

And slowly but surely I think things are turning around............  the jealous one is Lady ... Sir Steve's black lab -- it has been funny watching her push between us -- whine and yes even stamp her feet from time to time....... who knew a family pet would become jealous of the 'other woman'  ??? (grinning)

  
 

 

Sir Gimpy

Sir Steve was scheduled for surgery yesterday...... so I extended my stay with him to 'play nurse', as he will be (should be!) off his foot for a week or so.  I am thinking his image of morningstar the nurse was a bit like this............. 

when in truth morningstar the nurse is more like this.................

It was a wee bit stressful yesterday -- sitting around the waiting room waiting for the surgery to be over and to be able to bring him home............ that's all I wanted ya know to get him out of the hospital and home safe and sound.

It took just over 4 hours then he was mine to bring home and nurse back to health....  which might just involve some rope and quick ties to keep him in his chair with his leg elevated.  AND to keep him home from work!!!  (he's such a stubborn man!)

The hospital staff did what I have been threatening to do -- painted his toe nails (well ok his whole leg -- but his toe nails are a pretty pink too!!)

Now I am off to make gallons of coffee to keep my 'patient' happy and caffeinated (rather than sedated) and maybe hunt up some rope (cheeky grin)

Practice

 We had a good weekend Sir Steve and I.... we did everything we planned to do -- well almost.

We did a quick run to Montreal to have a small birthday celebration with eldest grandson -- we picked up some groceries -- and came home to bed.....hours together in bed...... I even got my picnic lunch of grilled cheese sandwiches and chocolate milk in bed on Sunday.

 BUT

we had planned -- *I* had counted on -- having some anal play.  Sir Steve had told me way back when -- that I had to "practice" so that I would be ready.  And I did practice for awhile !!!  BUT it got boring doing it myself -- and it never seemed to be on our agenda -- and so I stopped -- gave up??? 

Sir Steve had suggested - or I suggested -- honestly I don't remember who suggested - that I bring my 'toy' with me this visit ...... so it was on the agenda and still I didn't practice before coming.  

Saturday driving home from Montreal -- I was aware I had HUGE butterflies in my stomach -- I was anxious / excited / nervous for this time alone with Sir Steve -- for the anal play.  I wanted soooooooooo badly to do this with him.

Sunday morning after some rather hot sex Sir Steve told me to get the toy -- I didn't exactly jump at the idea.  Suddenly it was not a fantasy - it was gonna become reality and I was shy and scared ......... Sir Steve said that we didn't have to  and I shook my head -- I wanted this -- I really did!!!! so I rolled over and grabbed the toy and gave it to him.

He was gentle and patient -- and more than lovingly understanding -- but it didn't work -- almost worked BUT almost only counts in horseshoes.  I was so disappointed and felt I had let Sir Steve down -- or disappointed him -- something......... cause IF I had kept up my practicing it probably would have worked right??!!! and because I got bored and didn't practice it didn't work.  

And round and round my brain went -- no matter what Sir Steve said -- no matter how reassuring he was -- no matter how much he snuggled and pampered me -- I felt like I had failed him  

AND

I do not handle failure well -- at all !!! 

The toy has been put in a drawer by the bed -- he totally understands bout the boring solo thing -- and has said we will practice together -- and it WILL happen one day....... 

I'm just sorry it didn't happen this weekend ya know -- we get so little private time together. 

Sunday Sentiments

Quiet Day

oooooooooooops I think I wore Sir Steve out .... or broke him -- not too sure which it is ... 

BUT to give him a little break -- I went back to Kingston yesterday to check on Missy the cat - refill her food trays and have a snuggle .......... and then back to Sir Steve to cook a wonderful pork loin for dinner -- I have given up trying to do 'food porn' entries cause I always forget to take pictures... (can I say "distracted"?? )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I told Sir Steve what I was writing -- about wearing him out -- and he gave me THAT look -- you know the look -- and asked if the 11 1/2 hour days at work might just have a little something to do with it??!!!  There is no way I am gonna admit to that -- I rather like the idea that *I* wore him out ya know??? 

Today we are heading to Montreal to celebrate eldest grandson's birthday -- Then I am supposed to get the rest of the day and most of Sunday in bed with Sir Steve -- but the important part of that is grilled cheese sandwiches and chocolate milk for Sunday lunch IN BED !!!  a picnic in bed ......... YAY!!!

Life is good when your subbie is contented -- and ok maybe just a little bratty.

Hot hot hot !

Last night Sir Steve (after torturing my nipples for the second night in a row -- because - we've established - he really really likes nipples!)  brought out the knife... the one from so many years ago that I teased wouldn't cut through warm butter but which actually sliced off my thongs.

Knife play for me is hot -- so very hot! 

The point of the blade traced patterns - pretty patterns - across my torso -- stopping to press against my hard nipples -- I hold my breath -- then the patterns continue -- across my chest ...over my shoulder... down the length of my arm tickling the tip of my middle finger then sliding back up again.  Across my chest again -- stopping to tease and torture the other nipple then sliding over the shoulder and down the other arm.  

Slowly - tantalizingly slowly -- the blade slides down my belly -- I wait -- expecting to feel the tip of the blade poke at my clit jewelry -- but not this time.  This time the blade slides all the way down my thigh - my calf to my toes.  

My mind is dancing in the sparkly lights -- my body is twitching and arching -- wanting / needing to feel the blade against my clit -- sliding over my pussy - knowing one wrong twitch and the play turns from sensually hot to real ouch!

I feel the sharp tip slide into the ring through my clit hood -- it's tight -- pressing against the delicate tissue -- time and space evaporate.......... then smack smack -- the blade of the knife is hitting the jewelry making me whimper (Sir Steve says whine -- but PLEASE -- I do not whine -- I whimper!)  ohhhhhh it feels soooo good - so hot!   and then the blade is playing between my pussy lips -- the occasional sharp pang of hurt -- I wonder if I am bleeding....... but it doesn't worry me -- Sir Steve's knife continues to arouse and tease me -- my hips are thrusting against the blade .... the heat burns inside.............. 

And then the blade is laid aside -- and I slide down Sir Steve's body and take his cock in my mouth -- such sweetness !! 

And now the curtain closes on the end of another delightfully wicked evening in Sir Steve's bed.............. 

 

Play Time

We played the other night -- played really!  in bed naked !  

Yeah yeah I know -- no one else is surprised -- folks do that.  But we haven't -- played in bed I mean.  

At first I couldn't quite wrap my head around what was happening (yeah I am slow on the pick up sometimes!)  BUT when the quirt bit into first one nipple then immediately after the other nipple -- I knew this wasn't teasing -- this was 'game on!'

I kept watching his face -- the small evil smile that just touched his lips -- his eyes starring at me when I instinctively covered my nipples -- and god how I loved when his hand would push my hands away and lift my breast for easier access.

Even better when he moved the quirt's biting hits down to my clit jewelry -- the smile became absolutely wicked!  and I thought (as it started) 'no worries Sir Steve never pushes my limits THERE'   
Can I say WRONG ?!  ohhhhhhhhhhhh so very wrong!  And it felt so very very good!

And then when I was bruised and swollen and aching -- he pounded into me -- banging against my swollen clit until my body shook with total earth shattering release.

We played the other night -- and it was glorious!

Hello Darkness my old friend

There's never any one reason that anxiety hits me like a 10 ten truck -- and it hasn't happened in a very long time....... BUT yesterday yeah bad anxiety day 

It might have been the combination of the snow storm -- being at Sir Steve's and not in my own home (my safe haven) and the fact that Sir Steve worked all day and came home exhausted.  I honestly don't know. I just know it was a bad day -- a terrible horrible no good day.

To keep my mind occupied and my hands busy -- I baked a ham -- and made cheesy scalloped potatoes for dinner............ (and like usual completely forgot to take a picture of the plate )

And funny enough -- once dinner was over the anxiety eased -- Sir Steve was back to his old self -- I got contact phone numbers in case of emergency (the storm was THAT bad) -- and there is hope this is the last winter storm.

On Passionate Love

too good not to share!

I will not Love you comfortably, I will take you out of your safe places and into a Wild heaven that you have not even touched with your dreams.

My Love will most likely be inconvenient, and show up when you think you are not ready for me.

I will arouse your Spirit, not just your body or heart. I will take you back to where we first met, all those deserts and skies ago, but you will not realise it until later.

My Love will disturb your routines, your laziness, your escape mechanisms, the comfortable sink into habit and predictability.

I will stir your distant soul memory, so deeply and with such swiftness and lightning-bolt clarity that you will feel you have been arrested by some Mystery you cannot name.

My Love will take you into such reveries, dreams and fantasies for sensual, sacred and creative adventures that you will sometimes wonder if you are still living in the normal world. You may suddenly find yourself waking up at 3am, yearning for a Wild Life that had eclipsed itself from your consciousness.

I will flood your mind, body and soul with energy that seems to be from a Radiant New World, but is simultaneously exquisitely Ancient and Lost.

My Love may make you want to walk away from everything mediocre, average and normal that you have ever known in exchange for the Wildest of nights, the starriest of kisses, the most enduring of conversations and the most mystical of gazes.
I will not be easy to Love in the conventional sense, because I have arrived to show you your own Divine magnificence. I will spark the fires of transformation. I will wrap my unconditionally-loving heart around yours until you cannot do anything else but grow in Love.

My Love will require you to walk the hot coals, move through the dark forests of the Soul, take off your heavy garments and ride naked through the Stars. You will need to confront all the ways in which you resist and harden yourself to Love, to Purpose, to Power and Passionate Living. I will always show you the mirror.

I will not fit into your schedule, your daily planner, or your carefully thought-out strategies for security. I will show up one day, unannounced, lay my glorious, sweeping curves upon your desk and demand that you worship yourself into ecstatic oblivion with me. I will remind you that you are not in control of this Universal Magic-Carpet Ride, and that you need to let go…..Now.

My Love will feel to you like refreshing dewdrops of starlight, after the plunging dark of an endless, star-less night.

My love will feel to you like incomprehensible, heart-stopping warmth, penetrating the soul of your cold bones with a patience and devotion that causes your eyes to suddenly prick with tears.

My love will always be here for you, even when you don't want it, because it is confronting you with the silent, midnight truth of just how achingly precious and sacred you are to me.

My Love is your salvation, because your Soul asked for me, Wildly.
My Love is your truth, because your Body cried for me, Ecstatically.
My Love is your destiny, because your Eyes have always been searching for me, Blindly.
My Love is finally Here, because You are ready for me - and the Wild Ways of my Fiery, Wandering Heart.


~Sophie Bashford

(from a Wildwoman Sisterhood)

Sex Ed

It was a good weekend meeting Sir Steve's family - a little overwhelming at first -- but we all got through it in one piece.

The most fun part - - and for me the most educational part of the weekend -- was when Sir Steve and I headed off to bed.  We shared our room with Sir Steve's lil one.... so being quiet and 'well behaved' was definitely a necessity.  

But Sir Steve had told me a couple of weeks ago -- that when I wake up in the middle of the night and feel the need for some 'loving' then all I have to do is 'reach out and touch someone' (to coin a phrase).  I haven't done it -- never have actually reached  out  and played with a sleeping cock... EVER.  (yeah I know my sex ed is sadly lacking!)  

On Saturday evening the devil was in me -- I was feeling just a little bit bratty (I think it came from being SO well behaved all day long!)   So as Sir Steve snuggled under the covers I reached and grabbed hold of his cock -- all the while whispering sweetly to him.  And with little effort it started to harden and grow.  What a feeling of 'power' .. of control .... of teasing!!  I know I had this cheeky grin on my face the bigger he got.  He was grinning back at me - and every so often would try to sound stern and say "GO TO SLEEP!" but I just ignored him and kept playing....... until he was rock hard   (I am such a sweet lil angel) 

There was no way this play time was gonna go any further than some teasing -- even if his cock was rock hard and straining against my hand.  After all the lil one was asleep right beside us!!

Finally he gave me a firm "go to sleep" and my eyes were heavy -- so I rolled over on my side -- snuggled my ass up tight against his pulsing cock and drifted off to sleep with a big smile on my face.

I will be with Sir Steve all this week (I am on spring break) and anticipate more 'reaching out and touching someone' this week -- learning more about the hidden skills I have -- even Sir Steve's threat that I am SO gonna be teased unmercifully cannot deter me -- I want to learn more about this thing called a cock -- and the wondrous things it can do !!

Really !! it's all to advance my sex education which is truly lacking and Sir Steve is such a good teacher !

Sunday Sentiments

Meet the Flockers

We are on the road again.  This time heading west to meet Sir Steve's family.  

Now in all fairness he met my whole ham dam family at the end of January.  Sir Steve handled it like a pro -- even met my ex husband and didn't flinch.

I need to channel his vibes......... cause I am flinching.  BIG TIME!   I wasn't supposed to meet them officially until Easter and figured I had time to prepare myself ya know?  Only thing is Sir Steve's sister from out west is in visiting his parents and he hasn't seen her in 11 years.  So we're off to meet the family this weekend.

I spent most of this week thinking about what I would wear -- and praying my hair will behave and not have a "bad hair" day -- and then on Wednesday I remembered I had wanted to get my new winter coat (which is white -- and yes I was warned about buying a white coat!)  cleaned.  GAH!!  the cleaners promised they would have it done by Friday night...............cutting it just a tad close.

I think the thing that is worrying me the most is that when Sir Steve told his dad he was "seeing someone new" his dad said "don't rush things" and Sir Steve said "too late for that".  GAH!  Then I asked how old his parents were and literally held my breath (please please let them be older than me!)  Thankfully they are older -- not by much -- but still they are older.

Anyway I have packed enough clothes to last a week -- have armed myself with all available hair products to hopefully prevent 'bad hair' days -- and if all else fails I am sure I can find a nice dark corner to hide in............ 

Size Does Count

OR - explaining sex with a masochist to a Sadist

Back when I was playing with the 2 Sirs -- She would love to tell the story of how she shocked some gay males one evening by demonstrating the size of Sir Steve's cock by plunking a water bottle on the table -- and saying "yup -- pretty much that big".  I am guessing I probably blushed and took my mind elsewhere.  It wasn't for me to dream about. 

Except now it is mine and I can dream and fantasize to my heart's content.  Just for comparison purposes -- for science (yup that's it -- for science!!)  here's how a water bottle fits in a hand..............

yup that big!!

Now as much as the saying goes "it's not about the size -- but what they do with it" let me reassure you all -- in this case Sir Steve has both covered -- size and what to do with it.  (and often)

I told Sir Steve -- after the first time we had sex -- that I was NEVER gonna tell anyone how big he was -- or how good -- cause I wasn't anyone's PR person (cheeky grin)

And honestly that is not what this blog entry is about -- honest!!!  

Last weekend Sir Steve had my legs over his shoulders and I kept repeating "ouch ouch ouch" with a couple of "oh my GOD's" added in for good measure. And he stopped!  

YES stopped!!!

and put my legs back down on the bed.   Fortunately he didn't give me much time to pout.  BUT I have been wondering why he would stop -- and how to approach the subject with him.

The other night I was being a bit bratty (yeah I know that's a HUGE shock - morningstar a brat!!??  )   and said I was gonna have to start poking his internal Sadist.  From there it was a fairly easy jump to asking why he stopped.  Turns out he didn't want to hurt me.  WTF?!  I tried to find a comparison -- so I said "if you are beating my ass and I say ouch would you stop" and he said 'that's play -- we weren't playing that time I don't want to hurt you" 

B I G   S I G H !

He's such a wonderful Dom -- such a caring man !!  BUT I am not a china doll -- and honest true I won't break.  I had to find a way to explain that to him - or learn to stop saying "ouch" .......... an explanation seemed the easier way .......... 

So I 'introduced' myself to him one more time -- reminded  him I am a masochist... and pain turns me on -- the more pain the more turned on I get.  It's really a simple equation. He hesitantly said he got it.  So I made him a promise -- I would still say ouch ouch (cause dear god it DOES hurt!)  BUT that if it is 'bad' hurt I will make sure he knows...... no safe words please -- just plain english -- something along the lines of "wait stop -- that's too much! "  

Size does count -- especially for a masochist -- and communication  counts too so everyone is on the same page.
And that is a recipe for a good relationship!