Over the years I have had my share of "sad" Christmases - from the one the year my Dad died - to the one after I was divorced - the one after my mom's death - yeah there have been more than a few sad Christmases.
The best advise I got after my Dad died was to change Christmas. Well not Christmas per say - but how I celebrated it. Because Christmas could - would - never ever be the same again.
So I changed it.
And I changed it again after my divorce - that was a major change cause my ex and I had to share the children
And I changed it again after my mom died.
And now I am looking at yet another Christmas that needs changing. It is truthfully next to impossible to duplicate even parts of the Christmas celebration after a major upheaval....it's never the same.
I have been struggling with being so far away (ok ok it IS only 3 hours away) from my kids and grandkids and close friends. I have changed Christmas so many times - so many different ways - that - honestly - I have run out of ways to change it..............short of disappearing until it is all over.
The first decision I made - a long while back - was no Christmas tree this year. We are going to go to Montreal for a couple of days (at most) - the 24th and 25th - so why go to all the fuss and muss and struggle of putting one up???
And despite W and youngest daughter trying to figure out how to import my grandsons for their "decorate granny's house" event early in December - I think I am going to have to put my foot down................ it won't be the same - it won't even be close - so let's not try to duplicate a good thing ......... that will just be sadder than not doing anything at all ................ let's just move on ok???
So what new traditions was I gonna find for this year???
Well last Saturday W and I went to the Santa Claus parade.. First one EVER for W - first night time one for me. It seemed like a good idea at the time..............BUT it was so cold - a whole mess of families left before the Santa float even got to us........... W said "I was cute" hopping around in the cold trying to keep warm and yelling "Merry Christmas" to all the folks on the floats..............reminded myself of my mother - god how she would get into the spirit of the parade - every single year!!
I am going to cook up a mess of food and drag it all down to eldest daughter's house so we can have our traditional Christmas eve dinner all together and have Christmas day at youngest daughter's house - in all the confusion of two families crammed together pretending to get along for one day...................
And then we can come home to our quiet lil house...............
Maybe next year will be easier - just this year - it seems right now - is filled with memories that are making me sad..............
And being sad is ok - Christmas can be a sad time of the year with all the ghosts of Christmases past.