One moment

I am bent over a table - knuckles white clinging to the edge. He is in me - not moving. Then .. then I feel the cold tip of steel against my warm skin. Feel it sliding down my back - skin separating - blood oozing - dripping slowly.

The cold steel moves on.. slowly.. tantalizing me.. drawing me into it... feeling the warmth of the blood drying against my back. I shiver

He starts to move .. slowly .. in time with the blade.. back and forward... slowly .. more tantalizing.....

I moan softly ... clutch the table edge tighter... my breath quickens.. my heart pounds............




The bell rings and the children tumble into the room laughing and talking and the daydream evaporates into mist before my eyes... I join them .... in reality.

Confusion

I received a message the other day with "I am SO confused" in the subject line. I didn't know the author of the message but her question was valid.

I'm new to this so forgive me if this is a stupid question but what is a public play date? and if there's no sex just what do you do? I warned you, I'm new to this so it may be really silly but I don't get it

This was in response to an opinion I left on a fet life discussion group. I have promised to answer her privately .. and I will. BUT I was thinking this morning how much information is missing for newbies to the lifestyle. This woman who wrote me is not inexperienced in 'life' (sharing as many years on this earth as I have) BUT is new to the lifestyle and trying to pick her way through the mine fields of information.

I received another email from a friend (much younger than myself) who had questions based on my blog entry "The new S&M?" . Mostly questioning why not some sexual play to go along with the pain play.

And my answer to that one.. hey .. if it is what you are looking for then by all means go for it. It just isn't something I fully understand.

Which is not to say I don't want sex after I have played... most of the time I do.. badly.

I guess a lot of this reluctance to engage in sexual play publicly stems from my upbringing. Sex in any form should be private.

But truthfully folks IF I am gonna pay good money to go out to a club with all sorts of neat equipment to use, why would I spend my time having sex there?? Why wouldn't I be using all that lovely equipment for what it was meant to be used for.. spanking, flogging, whipping oh my !! (but then as it was pointed out to me .. I am a masochist and not quite the same as everyone else)

BUT hey folks...... I still want sex. Yes I do !!! crave it even. But I am single now. And OLD. And sex partners aren't exactly knocking down my door. And I realize I am running head on into belief systems that stem back to my teen years.

First .. you don't just give it away to anyone. If you do .. then you will be labeled a slut.

Second.... safe sex is paramount. BUT it has been so damn long since I had to worry about safe sex I don't even know how to approach the subject. I do know if someone tried to insert anything in me at a public/private play party un-negotiated, I would be tearing them a new one.. or if negotiated, making damn sure there was at least a glove on a hand or a condom on the vibrator.

So here I sit.......... happy with just getting pain.. and missing the sexual release from having a full time partner. Morals and principles can stymie one's 'fun' for sure....... but the voices in my head are very difficult to silence.

I still believe that public play should be fit for public consumption.. not for the voyeurs who want to masturbate in a dark corner while watching........... I believe there is something very spiritual and beautiful about a good "scene" ...... for both the giver, the receiver and the watcher.

But then I am beginning to think I am a dinosaur - soon to be extinct. But until that day, I will continue to preach my beliefs that S&M is more than standing around looking pretty, more than anonymous sex in a darkened club and more than what I am seeing today - pointe finale !

Just for fun

It is a dark and dreary Sunday - I am so bored!! So I took another of those quizzes we come across now and then.....

No surprises on the results for me....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are submissive.

It feels good to serve. A lack of control in the bedroom can be fun and relaxing. Being with a dominant person wouldn't be a bad idea.

Submissive

89%

Experimental

82%

Masochist

82%

Degradation Lover

79%

Bondage

75%

Exhibitionist / Voyeur

36%

Switch

25%

Sadist

25%

Vanilla

11%

Dominant

0%

Over the hill

Thirty years ago I was cleaning the bathroom and glanced up looking at my reflection in the mirror. I had my hair in two pig tails and I thought to myself, " oh my god !! I look like a kid. I am gonna be 30 !! I need to grow up".

I was almost in a panic. I went out and got my hair all cut off, had it permed and styled and came home looking like my mother. I don't know how long I acted all grown up.. fussing and fuming over the necessity of being an adult, but I do remember the angst of that 30th birthday.

Last week I glanced up at my reflection in the mirror... and was shocked at the woman looking back at me. Who the hell was it??? I look old. I have gray hair and wrinkles and creaky bones. SHIT !! My birthday looms around the corner... and I realize I AM OLD!!

It has been 30 years since I felt such angst over a birthday.. but I am feeling it now......

I look around at the people in my life.. or on the edges of my life.. and I realize I am probably the oldest one. Sometimes I don't even get half of what they do .. or understand half of what they believe in... I feel like it is time for me to step aside... to disappear into the shadows.

I was sitting quietly last night, and I thought 'I just want someone to say I don't look old... that I look good...... that I am not old.... Lie to me.... make me feel better'.. and yet I will know it is a lie.. what's the point???!!!

Baby daughter said "It is only one day in your life... these feelings will pass" but for the first time in my life I am not sure these feelings will pass...

Cause..

every time I look in the mirror now I will see the truth looking back at me.

I wonder why.... when I was turning 30.... I was so worried about "growing up" - when the day of being grown up - would come oh so fast.

guarding the gate

I had heard ........ even before I arrived at the new school......... about the school secretary. She was a being to be reckoned with. She was as terrifying as any witch in any children's story. She was mean and nasty. She was queen witch of the front office.

I wasn't worried. I have always had the attitude that the school secretary had probably one of the toughest jobs in the building. Soooooooooo.. before school started..on my first day there... I went to introduce myself. I was as charming as I could be..... and finished off by saying IF at any time there was anything I could do to pitch in... just let me know. That was the wrong thing to say !! I was told in no uncertain terms that SHE didn't need MY help.

So. I have simply stayed out of her way. AND when I did need to interact with her, I always bowed to her expertise (so to speak) I thought maybe I was winning the battle.

No I didn't want to be her friend - god no !! she is still a nasty miserable cranky woman - why would I want someone like that in my life??!! BUT I was hoping we had a sort of armed truce.

But I realize trying to work with her is a bit like picking one's way through a mine field. And it is unnerving and stressful

Yesterday when I returned to the building for the lunch period, she called me into her office with THAT tone she has. She announced I had missed a meeting !! AND god forbid... she had had to deal with the woman. I was at a loss for words, in my agenda the meeting had been set for Wednesday at 9:00.... not Tuesday at 9:30. I went back to my office .. found the original email with the date and time and sent it off to the monster in the office. She didn't even apologize.

Now she is on the war path because she wants me to get my own mail box... I have a perfectly good one in the main office... BUT .. she doesn't like how much mail I get.. I don't understand why it bothers her so much .. BUT.. she has decided I need one outside MY office. NOW.

Except.........

My office is being painted. My play room for the kiddies is being painted. I have no access to those rooms during the day (except to crawl over everything and plunk my ass down at my computer and work in a 2 foot square work space) Nothing on the walls.. all furniture moved into the middle of both rooms.. WHERE in god's name am I supposed to put this mail box she insists I have. Never mind where am I supposed to get said mail box?!

As I sit here this morning downing my first cup of coffee and plotting the day ahead... I wonder if this monster in the main office has any idea how close I am to exploding! I have exactly 7 days to get the numbers ready for the government.. as well as learning a new accounting program.. as well as planning a play day (which I am leading cause I am a total nitwit ) on Friday.... as well as getting all the other little jobs that must be done each month, done.. as well as preparing for a big meeting on Monday night.

I am wondering if there is any truth to the myth that water makes witches melt........ cause I know exactly where to find a bucket.. and I can still get to the sink in the play room............

The new S&M??

There is a club here in the Great White North that in my humble opinion has "class" (or did) Unlike the other clubs with flashing lights and gaudy coloured walls, loud music and not much room ........ This club is in an old Victorian home fully restored. The lighting is muted.. the rooms with their high ceilings and wide moldings and subdued painted walls offer play spaces second to none. (again in my opinion). The main level sitting rooms offer the grace and tranquility of the time period.

And the guests who frequent this club once a month come dressed in exquisite leathers and latex and carry toy bags. Everyone eventually wanders upstairs with their toy bags to claim a play space and spend an hour or so playing to their hearts delight. Most guests return to the sitting rooms to snuggle on the sofas and chat / discuss/ sometimes debate. Sometimes you might see some foot worship going on discretely. BUT the word that best describes this club is discrete. Seldom do you see the stand and model types.

I have spent some of my best play times in this club, feeling at home, safe and welcomed.

This past weekend was the weekend this club was open. This past weekend a submissive (and I say that a bit tongue in cheek) friend of mine was celebrating her birthday there. I had agreed to go .......... and come Saturday despite having been under the weather all week..... decided I would pop down for a couple of hours .. at the very least to wish her a happy birthday .. at best maybe get a play time in.

I was shocked by the scenes that greeted me upon arrival. There were couples in various state of undress in the sitting room... there was a young submissive naked from the waist down over a Mistress' knee (and trust me I use the term Mistress very lightly) having her bottom spanked while she was also being finger fucked. People were standing around gaping.

Truthfully I didn't know where to stand or where to look. I landed up standing in the hallway taking big breaths.

I am not a prude. BUT I don't expect to walk into a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah in a BDSM club.

I wandered upstairs to find all but one play room with the door closed.... one assumes more sexual play was taking place behind the closed doors from the moans that were emanating from within.

During the evening I watched as subbies were handed off to other "Masters" and "Mistresses" for sexual play. The music of the evening was not spanking or floggers or whips, but the sexual moaning of hot and horny submissives and Dominants.

The musky scent of sex filled the air.

And I did not see one pair of latex gloves or one condom being used....... NOT ONE... use the sub pass her/him along ... don't wash hands.. don't use protection.. just use and pass.. rinse and repeat. Sloppy seconds.

I did get a play time in .. on the cross in one of the rooms upstairs.. the door was left open! It was a double cross and another submissive and Dom that I know asked if they might use the second half of the cross... we gladly welcomed them to share. At least someone else was going to play - the way I am used to.

Not long after the submissive was fastened to the cross, I felt the cross vibrating. I opened my eyes. What the hell was going on??!!! I glanced in the mirror hanging on the wall to see the Dom using a vibrator on her. OH GOOD LORD !!! Even here in the sanctity of the cross room, there was sexual play going on........ talk about distracting !!!

My scene was rather short lived. The vibrations (excuse the pun) from the room / from the club had put me in a bad mind set. The bug that had ravished my body all week had left me weak too and it was enough. I wanted down.. and I wanted out... gone.

I will think twice about returning to that club. I will yes, because it is still my favourite place to play. BUT if it is again filled with sex starved individuals who don't have the common sense most teenagers do (about safe sex) I won't be returning.

Is this the new S&M - sex and musk? If it is, I may very well say goodbye to the lifestyle that has made me feel I belonged for so many years. It is evolving into something I do not understand.

What now?

I have been through so many different stages/phases/trial periods in the last 6 1/2 months that you'd think I would be more settled and knowing what I want and where I am going.

I tried bottoming to one couple....... and well... that did more to tie me up in knots than any good bondage session. Way too many emotional mine fields to navigate.. too many emotions running high... too many "he said" .. "she said" and the other "she saids" to be able to feel grounded. And I do know I need to feel grounded !!

I have tried going out and being the bon vivant ... but that hasn't done much for me.... I have been left feeling like the odd man out..... a bit of an enigma.... folks don't quite know what to "do" with me now I guess... and the day after I usually land up feeling as though a huge piece of me is missing. I am not your A typical submissive... I don't kneel just cause you tacked on "Mistress" or "Master" or "Sir" to your name. nope .. sorry can't do that. In fact last weekend when I went to the closing party at one of our dungeons here in the Great White North.. I wore a tshirt that said "Bossy Bottom"........ best to put it out there and give everyone some warning !!

I have set about trying to mend some fences with Warren (don't all choke and faint away on me.. don't come screaming after me.. just don't !) I like to think we have reached the "lets be friends" stage........ but truthfully I feel a little foolish... I feel as though - maybe - perhaps - stupidly - I may have "thrown myself" at him... been a little overzealous ?? Anyway... I had my comeuppance and am now behaving myself..... being friends is good.

I have placed ads for a Top/for a Dominant........ and have had my share of responses... most involve kinky sex....... which would be nice - don't get me wrong.. but I have higher aspirations than that. I have been told I am way too serious !!??? I have been told I am not serious enough??!! I have been told I am too old (don't they read profiles??) and I have been told I am too scary - being a masochist and all.. (like I said - don't they read profiles??!!) AND don't 'they' get that I am much more than all those pieces ??? !!

I have re-discovered I love my own company..... I am content cooking when I want to eat... cleaning when I want to clean.. working till I am ready to come home... I am content running my life....... and dealing with my worries ......... but sometimes it does get a wee bit lonely.

Tonite I am going to a BDSM birthday party. I am supposed to wear something pink.. I don't have anything pink...... and have been obsessing over that fact for a few days .... this morning I decided to paint my nails pink.. that will have to do. I have been trying to organize a hook-up between myself and a Top/friend from out of town to go to this birthday party. Last night I frustrated the hell out of her in an email - trying to write down plans - and falling over myself and stressing in the process. I finally landed up writing... "I am sub.. I do NOT do plans!!" Can't you just decide??? "

So I guess I really am still very submissive. I really don't want control of things... I really don't!!

BUT I have also noticed that I no longer do my "jonesing" thing........ in fact I hardly think about pain anymore. And I rarely get horny anymore.......... because of the pain thingy...... Pain really was my foreplay. BUT even with Warren - in the last few months / years - pain wasn't foreplay then either...... sex rarely followed pain....... maybe my body has completely forgotten the patterns. And quite truthfully pain without some sort of "release" - sadly - is just pain.

So .. taking another look at the picture I put up this morning... I guess I am all wrapped up ready for the taking........ only no one is taking.

And I am left asking "What now?"

Different yet the same

For those of you who don't know.. for most of my career ... I have worked in special schools. Well we aren't technically allowed to call them "special" anymore.. everything and everyone is integrated here in the Great White North............. but we do have schools that have a high population of "coded" children. And for the last 30 years or so those are the schools where I worked.

These schools have full time psychologists, social workers, and resource teams. These schools have always practiced team work ...... sharing... everyone was asked for their input - everyone was part of "The Team".

This past spring I was offered a job at a "normal" school. We have hardly any coded kiddies. We do not have a school psychologist, or social worker or resource teams. We just have regular staff.

EXCEPT

we have one special needs child in Kindergarten. He is severely autistic. (well that's not what his parents say.. or what the ABA team say.. or what the Board says) BUT by my definition - for what it's worth - he is severely autistic.

I listened - on the first day of school - to his parents singing his praises. To his ABA workers singing his praises. Oh he might be a little trouble at transitional times, BUT, the old standbys of "5 more minutes" or at worst a "time out" worked.

EXCEPT
On the first day of school he had a total melt down and threw rocks, kicked and screamed and head butted anyone who tried to remove him from the climbing equipment in the yard.

EXCEPT
every time he doesn't get his own way he has a melt down with aggressive behaviour.

So the old me, the trained educator, jumped into action. I started documenting everything. And finally after more than a week of these melt downs, I spoke with his ABA therapist when she was in....... calmly and quietly explaining what I was experiencing, and suggesting (god forbid!!) that perhaps it was only the change in school - but he was showing more than mild symptoms of autism - in my humble opinion.

That short sharing of information has been blown hugely out of proportion .. I have been accused of saying that he doesn't belong in our school, I have been accused of discussing confidential information with a stranger... Oh I have been accused of a number of things.

Fortunately - it all seems to have blown over. I got my wrist slapped in the principal's office. I apologized - in my own special way - I was sorry I had followed my training and considered myself a part of the team. They needn't worry it wouldn't ever happen again. And so the problem has gone away.

EXCEPT

It hasn't. The boy is still in my daycare program... still having melt downs. I figure one of these days he is gonna hit another child, or his screaming will upset a parent and then someone other then myself will speak up and out.

But for the most part this is a normal school - with normal happy fun loving children. It is a new experience for me. I almost - ALMOST - feel redundant. I sit at my computer for most of the day doing my computer stuff. Every once in a while a child will come in to chat. But for the most part, life rolls along smoothly without any need of my expertise.

The only thing that I can see that doesn't change from one type of school to the next is................



Yup........ snotty nosed kids = bugs. And I managed to pick up my first bug of the year......... UGH !!! I have been dragging myself through my days..... swallowing hand fulls of Tylenol and spoonfuls of cough syrup. I haven't given in to it yet..... I can't actually. This is staffing week and I still need 3 more staff members. So I sniffle my way through interviews, come home and curl up under piles of blankets and shiver my way through to the next morning.

What's the old saying......... "the more things change - the more they stay the same"???

Here's to a rough start to the new school year

Diplomacy

Many - many - years ago when I was a new teacher, I had a principal tell me that the only weak spot I had was diplomacy. I tended to say what was on my mind, and damn the consequences.

Over the years - I like to think I worked on the diplomacy - but truth be told it probably came with experience and age.

But my brand of diplomacy is more along the lines of saying nothing. Ya know .. "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all".

Just because I didn't say what I was thinking - didn't mean I wasn't thinking.... cause oh dear god was I !!!

Over these last 6 months or so, I have been encouraged - more than once - to say what was on my mind. Many many times I wanted to....... but didn't because it seemed to me to be none of my business. And once or twice when I was pushed to speak out.. the words came out all tumbled up and messed up and not really what I meant.

And I have discovered that I don't much like speaking my mind. It seems to me that it causes hurt feelings. Something I didn't grasp all those many years ago when diplomacy was suggested.

I tried diplomatically to say something to a friend a day or so ago...... and I fear I have hurt their feelings. Quite truthfully I would rather be hurt.. than hurt.

I think I am going back to the say nothing philosophy...... and hope that my friend will forgive my blunt honesty.

Oh my !!!

I had the most exciting scene yesterday!!!

Remember the email I wrote about that started off "Do you trust me?" Well that scene is the one that took place last evening. Miss Maxye of L'Oubliette was my top for the evening. I was a service sub for the closing Corn Roast Party at L'Oubliette and during the afternoon Miss Maxye asked me if I had ever had needle play. My immediate reation was "yes" .. Warren did from time to time do acupuncture needle play with me. BUT .. I always considered that a bit of a wimp's version of needle play the real thing - in my opinion - was when the needles are actually threaded through the skin. that would be a huge test of my masochism!!

I thought our busy time was never going to end. Miss Maxye kept up the anticipation through the afternoon. Finally - lighting upgraded, needles laid out, Miss Maxye took me into the dungeon. I was so damn nervous. Like always - I worried I wasn't masochist enough to do this!! Afraid I was gonna wimp out.

Miss Maxye started by telling me that for the entire scene I was not to talk or move. Then she started putting clothes pegs on various parts of my body.. the one that bugged me the most was on my belly button.. it didn't really hurt.. but it made me feel silly. AND it kept my mind focused there for a bit.

After washing my breasts down with alcohol (yes yes I used to be allergic but sometime over the last year or so - there doesn't seem to be the severe adverse reaction to it) she began inserting the needles. I could not believe how fast the endorphins kicked in. And I remember after a rather painful one, Miss Maxye stroking my face and saying that was the look she liked.

For most of the insertation process I kept my eyes closed, but did at one point open them to take a peek - and all I could think was " OH MY GOD!!! I have needles in my breasts !!"



Once they were all in, Miss Maxye had me stand and move to the cross where she helped me into the restraints and started working over my ass and back and legs. The rule of no talking and no moving was shouting loudly in my head. It was a difficult rule to follow. I was scared to lean into the cross because of the needles and don't forget the clothes pins. She went from a gentle hand spanking, to a heavy flogging, to something that felt like it was tearing the skin off my ass. OH MY GOD it hurt (so good!!!) At one point I started my lil subbie jig and Miss Maxye reminded me firmly "not to move". It had to be one the hardest things I have done, holding still knowing that the stinging bite of the flogger was gonna keep up until Miss Maxye decided it was over.

Finally when I thought I couldn't possibly take anymore, Miss Maxye was taking me down and leading me to a chair to remove the needles. As Miss Maxye put it, she had to leave just a little bit of energy in me for the removal process.

When I had my wits about me enough to focus on my surroundings, I realize Miss Maxye's scene had attracted quite an audience. To Miss Maxye's credit one of the Dom's came and complimented her on the scene.

I am hoping that Miss Maxye had as much fun as I did...... she was an amazing Top to play with !!!!

This morning I am left with some very special souvenirs of the closing party of L'Oubliette!!!

Sad

About a week ago I plotted a new route to work. One that would keep me off the busy main streets and allow me to meander down tree lined streets filled with lovely big homes with even bigger flower beds. I play my classical music on my trips to and from school.......... and have found my stress levels are greatly reduced.

I pass 2 big churches, two other schools, and one big synagogue. It is a relaxing enjoyable 10 minute trip now.

Thursday and Friday were the Jewish New Year's celebration. (Shana Tova to everyone who celebrated!!)

On Thursday morning though, I was shocked as I came up on the synagogue to find it surrounded by fierce looking security guards. I thought something had happened. As I stopped at the corner I surveyed the situation and realized that nothing had happened. Religious observers were still filing into the building smiling and nodding at the guards.

I am assuming these guards were there as a precaution.

What has this world come to that we need security guards to surround our places of worship??? When I was a young girl and attending church every Sunday I remember having a sense of peace and calm and security.

This week as I watched the small children with their families filing into synagogue I wondered if they would ever feel the same sense of peace and security and calmness from worship.

It made me very sad that we have come to this....... in a quiet peaceful neighbourhood - so far off the beaten track!!

I can not help but think the world has gone to hell in a hand basket. And people wonder why I do not read newspapers or listen to the news broadcasts !!

There is a black smear along the peaceful road I take now..... that all the classical music and all the sunshine and pretty flowers will never be able to erase.

Teach peace - but surround yourself with guns.

It makes me sad.

Confetti

Confetti......... yeah confetti! I have had all these little colourful snippets of thoughts floating around in my head for days now.... I kept hoping one if not more than one would manifest itself into a half decent entry......... But it would seem these little bits of fluff aren't manifesting into anything more than a whole mess of white noise........

So......... in the hope that all that white noise will dissipate if I dump it here........

* is it a lie if someone promises one thing and then turns around and does something completely different?? should one trust someone like that... or is it just human nature ???? Maybe I put too much stock in promises....... in people's integrity....... Maybe I allow people's behaviours to disappoint me too much even when their behaviour has nothing to do with me directly.

* I was told that men think of sex and having sex every 7 minutes or something like that........ don't you think that could be controlled if they seriously wanted to?? and don't you think that is a sexist type of comment?? I wonder who did the research on that one. I wonder how often women think of sex.

* Egos - I was once accused of having an ego (not in a good way) and it has bothered me ever since. IF I do indeed have such an ego........ I want to get it under control - I don't believe having a BIG ego is a compliment. I have been examining my interactions and watching for any hint of ego...... if I don't see this ego - does that mean I do indeed have one.... or does it mean I don't have one

* Some people are so afraid of failure (or failing again) that they won't take a risk. It makes me sad. I wonder if I am ever so afraid of failing that I refuse to venture forth and take a gamble.

* Sometimes I feel like a kid in high school again..... watching the "in crowd" bustling around and feeling envious - but also glad I am not part of the group... I hate expectations.. and it seems to me.. being in the "in crowd" brings with it a whole mess of expectations.

* Some days I feel like an ass for opening my heart up (again and again) and finding out I probably misread the intent.

* The stupidest complaint I have received since starting work is "There are too many parents picking up children" ....... Am I supposed to shoot the extra parents??

* I like the term "pain slut" much much better than "masochist" .


White noise be gone !

Sadist

As you all know by now... or should... I am a masochist. I enjoy playing with Sadists. BUT unfortunately Sadists are few and far between (despite what other well meaning sadists tell me)

In my experience a sadist picks up some toy or other - a crop or a flogger or a whip... and enjoys themself beating my ass. I on the other hand rather enjoy having my ass beaten.

And as you all know .. I have been on a little sabbatical from play parties......for a number of valid reasons.

However I am going to a party this weekend. And I am looking forward to it.

Then I got an email message that said simply "Do you trust me?"
To which I responded with a simple "Yes I trust you"
Then I got another email message that said " Prepare to suffer my way - sadistic smile"

"my way"?? what the devil does that mean???

So for the last week or so I have been pondering all the ways a sadist can play...... and I am coming up pretty empty.

As the weekend draws ever closer I find myself anticipating the party more and more... AND .. yes I will admit it... I am getting nervous.

Every time I play it is like the first time. I always wonder if I will wimp out... if I will disappoint and not live up to this reputation I seem to have acquired. Will I be masochistic enough??

And every time I come away pleased with myself.. I didn't wimp out.

This time I have no idea what is in store for me. That makes it even more fun. You see.. for me.......... BDSM play starts in my lil addled brain... and works out from there... the anticipation is as much a part of the play time as the actual play time.

3 more sleeps till the party...... 3 more !!

Labour day Weekend

I always thought that Labour Day Weekend was a holiday for the "workers".

Wrong!!!

"Granny" cooked and cleaned and had the clan over for a barbecue. I was more than a little disappointed with the desserts I made though............

The Peanut Butter Cookie Cake was ugh.. dry and crumbled all over the place !!!



Though I noticed the girls did argue over who got to take the left overs home... guess they didn't mind the crumbly mess. They settled the argument by dividing the Peanut Butter Cake AND the Raspberry Cobbler between them.



I didn't mind losing the left overs on either dessert. The cobbler was just a bit tart for my liking...... and for some reason I thought I liked raspberries - but it turned out I was wrong!!

As much as it seems that all we ate were desserts......... not true... I had piles of corn on the cob............



And piles of new potatoes and barbecued pork fillet (thanks to swan from the Heron Clan for firing off the delicious recipe that we shared when I was visiting this summer) Unfortunately the "vultures" devoured the main course before I got to snap any pictures. I can confirm it was absolutely yummy - far better than the desserts!!

Today I am left with a pile of dishes to wash ......... and laundry - who knew the raspberry cobbler was gonna land up on everything - besides the plates !!

And just 'cause I am a proud granny............ here are my 2 youngest grandbabies gobbling down their corn.

Walk on Water

Or........ believing the hype......



Ever since I came to the realization that BDSM existed... I heard (and yeah believed) the philosophy (maybe more like hype) that the Dom/Top is always right. In fact there is a joke about rule books... Rule #1 the Dom is always right. Rule #2 refer to Rule #1

Since March I have to come to realize that Doms/Tops do not walk on water ... they aren't always right... sometimes they don't even come close.

Know why??

They are human.... with all the pitfalls / weaknesses / temptations of being human.

I have heard it all.. or nearly all....... and watched as Doms/Tops have "fallen from grace" had to eat their words, had to back pedal and rethink/re-evaluate their positions.

So where does that leave the submissive who has turned over / given up / immersed themselves totally and completely to this power exchange??
Or what happens to the submissive/bottom who simply believed all the hype and lived to learn that it was mostly all smoke and mirrors??

I am not saying this is a bad thing!! I am not saying that Doms/Tops aren't allowed to make mistakes.... change direction... stumble and fall.

I just think one should be aware that Doms/Tops are not all knowing... walk on water "gods".

I for one am reading profiles/ listening to discussions and taking it all with a grain of salt. Don't tell me you are doing this for joy of BDSM.. when you really are looking for a good bed fellow.. or looking to climb to the top of the popularity charts.. or because you just want to make a name for yourself. I hear the words.. and can't help but wonder what is really behind the hype??

I have always maintained.... that the submissive had better be strong.. had better be aware of the dangers (both physical and emotional) because the bottom line is...... no one can be responsible for you - except for YOU! It hasn't earned me any brownie points.. it has even (possibly) lost me some play partners/possible new Doms... shrug... I won't apologize for making sure I am safe - emotionally and physically. Or for believing we are all human......

But then that's just my addled opinion!

Not SO Adventurous

It is "Fetish Weekend" up here in the Great White North. It started on Wednesday evening (I believe) and continues through till Monday evening.

It almost feels like a massive sub frenzy taking place around me. Everyone talking about who's going to which event.... what they are wearing.. and oh my god - let's not forget the hard work that is going into banishing those nasty tan lines!!!

Now I will admit a goodly amount of my ambivalence to all this frenzied activity is that I am not now.. have never been.. and will never have a fetish that rules my life......... such as latex and leather and rubber and feet and shoes ... It all sounds pretty much like a big fashion show of who's who in the BDSM community.

My plans for the weekend are a whole lot more mundane.. and very much vanilla. I am going to do laundry, clean the house, go out for a coffee date with Warren .. and have a family Labour Day weekend barbeque on Sunday. (Monday I expect I will rest up for the onslaught of school next week)

Pretty mundane........ boring...and anything but Adventurous .. right??

I commented on FL (where the Montreal Community seems to gather and plan and plot and gossip) that I am ready for a nice munch. Yes a nice vanilla type munch would suit me just fine right about now......... BUT all this hectic activity is not on my agenda.

I realize during the spring and early summer months that kind of hectic frantic partying WAS on my agenda. I have also come to realize that that type of partying doesn't give one time to process... or come back to earth.. or do anything much more than get through one event and start thinking about the next. Leaving a huge hole where all the other less adventurous .. more mundane things should go.

I must be getting old........... or jaded....... or both. I am hand picking the events I want to attend now... and they are very much few and far between.

I am realizing this is much more "my" style. And I am more centered and focused and happy this way.

So ....... it may not be an adventurous journey every week - but it is having more meaning ... and is a whole lot more personal.

Everyone have a happy safe Labour Day Weekend - whether you are frantically planning umpteen parties........ or just looking forward to a family barbeque.

Here and now

Yes I have taken down two blogs.......... one was the tongue in cheek drinking one.. and the other one was about my agoraphobia.

I realized ... as much as this blog is my personal journal.. and journey...... some things do not translate well from my addled brain to "paper". Some folks got a little (to put it mildly) bent out of shape over the agoraphobia one.

My mother used to say "if you can't say something nice don't say anything at all" ... and I realize that sometimes I can do a TMI blog entry that shouldn't be meant for everyone else to read. (I am gonna keep those entries to real time journals)

So you all know.. I am fine.. I am not retreating (anymore than usual that is) into my space....... I am not drinking to access....... I am not having a mental collapse or depression.

I am suffering from heat exhaustion though - but this too shall pass. The weather man says the temps will drop from the high 30's to the high teens come the weekend.......... Hallelujah!!

The picture I posted today is pretty indicative of where I am right now in my journey. I am centered.. ready and waiting for whomever or whatever comes along.

I used to know (think I forgot there for a bit) that sometimes the very best things come when we wait.

I am happy.

I am centered.

I am waiting.