i have never EVER understood people who dabbled in the lifestyle and didn't tell anyone.. even more so i didn't understand people who had vanilla families that they kept their secret life from.......
ohhhhhhh i am not saying that you have to give the family all the details... but my god they should know.........i have never understood people who cheat on their spouses...... or people who lead double lives and don't tell......... what do you think ?? that no one but no one is going to find out???
Way back when.... when i first found out about this lifestyle ..... i was married.. i wanted to explore and learn.. my hubbie wasn't all that interested.. BUT i told him about it.. i told him when i was going out to munches.. i told him when i was meeting people in the lifestyle.. going to a party...... it just isn't in me to cheat or lie... about anything. (which doesn't make me very good at diplomacy - even in my job - but i will do a blog on that theme another day)
On the weekend...... i read an article from the NY Post about a gentleman who had been at a private club in NY city .. how the scene he was involved in had gone all wrong.. how he had been found hanging ...... unconscious... not breathing.. how 911 had been called... how he had been in a coma for 3 days...... how the police had no idea who he was as he had no papers on him..nothing to identify him by.......... It was an interesting article on how bondage can go very wrong very fast......
Until yesterday ......... when i found out i know his wife........ how his wife flew down to NY City not knowing what had happened.. only to find out at the hospital....... from the doctors and nurses who had been caring for her husband for more than 3 days. i can not imagine the shock she must have had.. i can not imagine how she is coping with "information overload" .. she had been married to this man for 30 years..... she never knew.......... he had a wanderlust - we all knew that !!! and when he retired he was always off here and there skiing or cycling ........... and as she was still working she stayed home...
Now his little secret is all the talk in the press down in the states.. and yes in some of the papers up here in the Great White North......... Now the gossips are talking and speculating.. and all those dirty little secrets that people think are coming out.. how sick BDSM is.. how the dominatrix he was with was really a prostitute.. how if he hadn't turned to professionals he would have turned into a rapist or pedophile..... it makes my blood boil !!!
Good god they used to say (some still do ) that gays were the pedophiles....... does no one read statistics?? !!! So now the BDSM community has become the gay community of yesterday......... we are the bad ones.. the perverted ones.. Once again i am left thinking we are only seen that way because we stay so closeted .. like the gays once were....... we hide.. we deny.. but shouldn't we be educating?? Shouldn't we be saying "we're here we Queer (substitute "kinky") .. get used to it!!"
So today i am going forth to do battle........ a small battle.......... to defend the rights of everyone to do and be who and what they are........... without the dirty little secrets and gossips spreading lies..........
and all the while i will hold this man and his family close to my heart.. and say a little prayer that they can all work this out - come to terms - and that the love they have for each other will be strong enough to heal the wounds... that when he is well enough to return to the Great White North that the community will welcome them back.. that they will hold their heads up high and show the world that they are a family with much love and understanding and acceptance ...............
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I agree with you... and I don't. I agree that I'm as equally baffled by the whole spouse-lying-and-cheating stuffs. I cannot imagine how people live that way, nor WHY they would live that way.
ReplyDeleteBut when it comes to family, kids, etc. I see more as a matter of privacy than of lying. The intimate details of my relationship with my husband are private and only of consequence to us. My children, my parents, my siblings... they don't need to know. So they don't. Maybe if they asked, if they picked up on something and asked a direct question, I would answer it honestly. But what they don't know? Can't hurt them. :-)
I read that story too. Sad stuff. I do feel bad for the wife.
kaya
A lot of pain and sorrow here, morningstar. I'm sorry you're hurting.
ReplyDeleteI had similar feelings when Floyd, the best friend of my youth and possibly of my life, came out of the closet and was dead of AIDS in a very few years. Knowing that he had kept his true self hidden from everyone for 40 years hurt. That he lost all of his family and friends when he could no longer live that way hurt even more.
I agree with kaya though. Remaining mute is just as easily a desire for privacy as it is "living a lie."
No, society as a whole does not accept BD/SM as natural and normal. I suspect that even within the community there are those who believe some aspects of BD/SM are not natural and normal.
I suspect a significant slice of the population still views homosexuality as unnatural. Significant numbers still believe gays are pedophiles.
When someone stays "closeted" from a sense of fear of reprisals from society it is a damned shame - as is remaining mute because a person is secretly ashamed of their desires.
When someone chooses to remain mute from a sense of privacy and discretion it is entirely a different thing.
Understanding as come a long way, but it surely has a long way to go.
Acceptance would be nice and I understand your feelings on openness. Acceptance must first come from the individual before presenting it to others. He as many others might not of accepted that this was okay to do he might have seen it as a dark desire some thing that does not belong but that he is a flicked with. As of now there are still many gays in the closet they still want to seem men in front of others . As being gay would destroy the image in front of family and friends so is some one who enjoys being spanked or put in bondage.
ReplyDeleteIt is fantastic for those that can be open or in my relation where there is knowledge not all are lucky in that way . SO I do not judge his desire for keeping quite I am sorry for the family and for the obvious lack of trust and communication they had as a couple.
i agree with kaya. i see no need to tell my children that 'mommy is a slave' or that daddy whips my ass. They just don't need that kind of info.
ReplyDeleteAs for the rest of my family....i am estranged from most of them, and i really don't think that they would understand. i might tell my sister, if she asked.
i am not ashamed of my lifestyle. i never lie to my Master. Ever.
i feel for that lady that found out the hard way about her husband. It must have been awful for her.
ok.. first of all i never meant - that the whole KINK community should rally up and march down main street !!! good grief no!!!
ReplyDeletei would like to suggest that at least one person know where you are going and what you are doing - preferably your wife so - god forbid - something happens - she doesn't have to hear it from strangers - doctors and vultures known as the press !!!
and i do feel that some of us.. a lot of us .. those who can - should make an effort to educate.......... you don't have to do the "I'M BLACK AND I'M PROUD" kind of announcement.......but when statements are made that are blatantly wrong.... people can be corrected in an educated fashion...
a good example is when someone said to me that people in BDSM are pedophiles and rapists - and i just smiled sweetly at her and said.. oh my i was so sure you were more informed than that !!!
simple.. a put down encouraging more education.... shrug.. i don't know if it worked.. but we have to try !!
morningstar
morningstar,
ReplyDeletei am married and have a family- my Master is married and has a family. we came together with the desires we had, both knowing our spouses would never understand and never want to be a part of.( Master approached His wife on the subject and was told flat out "no"..i approached my husband with things over the years and was laughed at and told"no") i love my family as Master loves His- our families come first before our "relationship". niether of us will ever leave our spouses or families..maybe it is 'lying and cheating"- but its a risk i am willing to take. i have given and continue to give my family every part of me, this one little part is mine- mine to share with Master, and i wont make any apologies for it. i have a friend in the lifestyle who knows when i go to Master and why- Master has friends in the lifestyle also..when i am away, i am in contact with my family.
im not asking for acceptance from anyone, i guess im still a little confused when people claim to be open- minded but still label others. i dont hurt children or animals- i dont shove anything in anyones face... i just want to be able to fulfill this need i have inside me and Masters, without being made to feel that i have to give up my whole life- everything that i have worked for- to do it. please dont think im writing this in anger or anything, because im not...i read you daily and i really enjoy the things you write about... i just felt i needed to respond.
Hisflower
Hmmm... to make a change in the commenter's point of view.. .I do agree with you... even if you added that you didn't mean this or that...
ReplyDeleteMy son is 22 and knows what he needs to know... there is no details about it... but, just in case of problem happening out of nowhere, he knows that our sexual life isn't one of all quietness... and I suspected that he is following this path too... The little one have nothing to know about that for now... It is about common sense... a protection... nothing more...