Processing

i have noticed over these last weeks .. months.. that i am processing pain differently. At first i thought it was a phase that would pass... but it hasn't passed..... it looks as though it is here to stay....... and i am not that happy about it.


When the toys would sit in the living room across from me.. i would drool over them.. (ok ok.. i wasn't drooling in the real sense of the word.. more like dripping) and i was anxious to "get at it"........


Now the toys sit across from me in the living room and i try to ignore them. When a session starts it hurts.. plain old fashioned hurts....... but that's ok cause it used to hurt before too..... i would deep breath my way on top of the hurt and float away...... Sir would ask me "who loves Me" and i would quickly answer "me!!" and with enthusiasm.

Now when He asks who loves Me..... i almost want to say 'not me'.... in my head i am calling Sir every name in the book - it hurts.. He has no sympathy.. i am white knuckling my way through it.......

i thought it was the toys He selected.. the lexan cane..the blue floppy ruler... the whip.. the crops.. i realized it didn't much matter what toy He selected it just plain hurt.

Last night Sir was using the blue floppy ruler while He watched TV... the old game of watch the show - hit the subby's ass during commercials....... i was grinding my teeth..... Oh at first it was ok.. sort of a game.. but then i don't know what happened.. it wasn't ok anymore.. Sir even asked if i had had enough...... NO i hadn't had enough....... but i hadn't had anything good either. In my head i was using kaya’s safe word "stop motherfucker"... and it wasn't even remotely funny.

Somewhere between the anger and the pain......... and honestly i haven't a clue where........ it was gone.. everything was gone..... i didn't feel sensual.. i didn't feel horny or dripping .. i didn't feel the paddle (Sir had switched to the wooden paddle somewhere between one show and the next) i don't even know IF i was dripping.........

This morning my left ass cheek hurts....... a nice reminder.. of course there is no bruise..... never is...... and i have broken memories...... of giggling about Dopey and Doc and Grumpy (3 of the seven dwarfs for those of you not up on Fairy Tales) .. i remember laying against Sir's chest and running my nails over His nipples as His entwined His fingers in my hair.. a little reminder to 'behave myself' and then i remember being in bed.. of managing once again to yank the chains (that bind my ankles during the night) out of the frame...... And this morning......... well this morning i am left wondering about how i am processing pain....... and what happened.......... and will i ever get the old way back..........