half 'n half

My vanilla Saturday.......
Saturday morning was spent dismantling my secret garden ....... i felt a little sad that the summer was over and everything was being dismantled and stored away till next summer..... But Sir helped "tote that barge and lift that bale" and soon everything was organised inside.......
Saturday afternoon we went off to my eldest daughter's for yet another birthday celebration........ honestly how much more spoiled can one person be?? My two daughters organised a themed birthday party - Halloween of course!!! and between a pumpkin pinata that my grandson couldn't wait to "whack" and a ghost birthday cake.... they fully succeeded. The gifts for "mom" were declared a HUGE success because both girls managed to make mom cry....... first with a Hallmark book (doesn't everything Hallmark make moms cry??) and a beautiful framed collage of family pictures .......
all in all the day was a huge success.. very vanilla .. but still a HUGE success...

BDSM Sunday..........

After all that vanilla.......... Sir decided bright and early to hang me from the chains in the basement and have a good hard session....... and boy did i need it !!! Being the center of attention all week tended to make me cranky....... i really needed to be grounded again..
BUT as much as i needed to be grounded i wasn't all that sure i wanted a session.... a funny thing happened to me on the way to the basement.. i got silly....... and i believe a good part of that silliness was due to my feelings of wimping out last weekend......... whatever the reason .. whatever the cause.. it took some doing on Sir's part to get me centered..........
Somewhere between the soft flogger and the whip....... i had this feeling of total complete collapse........ there was nothing to be done except accept the pain.... and fly with it........... i was surprised (why i don't know.. cause it almost always happens) by the wetness flowing down my legs....... it was like this amazing revelation (again - for the umpteenth time) that i really DO love this pain........at that point the silliness returned... well i think it was silliness... i had this picture in my mind of a water slide......... and there were all these fairies sliding down the wetness........ laughing and splashing and calling to me..........

And the silliness continued... because i wanted more than anything to snuggle into my Sir's neck and nibble on Him......... who would have thought !!??? nibbling is not usually high on my "to do" list when i am being flogged ............. anywayyyyyyyyyy at one point i do remember moving closer to Sir and His holding me...... and the devil made me do it... i swear it was the devil !!! i bit Sir's neck !!! Now i do NOT recommend this as good subbie behaviour....... BUT then the reaction i got from Sir was almost worth it !! the look on His face !!! and then He laughed..... and that laugh was music to me............ Mind you .. i did get a severe biting session in return ......... my neck / shoulders and even my back were bitten ....... today i still have tender spots...

Later in the afternoon Sir decided to use the little rubber flogger He purchased at Venus Envy a while back......... break it in actually .. as it hadn't been used since.........Sir decided to continue the work He had begun earlier downstairs on my breasts..... they were already marked and sore from the wooden spoon........ but that didn't stop Him...He even flogged the underneath side by pulling up on the nipples and holding them extended..... when the flogger no longer interested Him He used the cane on my breasts.......... i kept hoping that i would have stripes but they didn't last........... though the wooden spoon has left some pretty nasty marks ..........

And so my weekend was rounded out............. half vanilla and half BDSM........... and i went off to bed grounded again...... and ready to face my week !!!

online names

Sometimes my mind goes forth with a theme and ends up so far from where i started that my Sir calls it a "bouncing ball"........ today's post is probably going to be one of those....... so reader beware......

i found a really well written blog yesterday Madness, Musings and Melancholy. The author, The Michael had left a comment on my birthday blog.. and with the wit and wisdom of a sub i went looking and found his blog... (well ok he has 2 blogs but i really liked the MMM one)......

Like all of us who write blogs he was - in one post - bemoaning the fact that no one left comments....... and i was feeling very much like a "peeping tom" at that particular point.. so i decided to leave a comment. Now the problem was... this was a vanilla blog...... my usual signature on comment pages is "morningstar (owned by Warren) followed by the url for my blog (it pays to advertise - cheeky grin)...... i stopped at the signature thinking ... what if someone very vanilla reads this and goes looking for MY blog??? Poor The Michael.. do i want the responsibility of "outting" his private side..the side that peaks into the lives of submissives and their Masters and perhaps tweaks His own kinky side?? do i want that responsibility?? and yeah yeah i KNOW The Michael writes a fictional BDSM blog...... but at that point i just wasn't sure what was the right thing to do..........

i sat and stewed...... the whole topic of censorship in the States was nagging at the edges of my mind too... but the main thing was ........this was a vanilla blog....... how to sign my nick without causing too much of a ripple in the waters of blogdom...........

light bulb moment!!!! i signed my comment "the vanilla morningstar" .. Brilliant i thought!! The Michael should recognise the nick....... and maybe .. if i am lucky.. catch the humour in it.......... i was so proud of myself.......... then sometime much later.. i realized that at the top of the comments - on blogspot - is the nick you use for your own blog .. in my case "littleone" and a direct link to your own blog............ (slap me upside the head now !!) so much for my careful plotting and scheming to protect the innocent.........

And all of that got me thinking about nicknames ......... and i realized how easily it is to become someone else... a flick of a button (so to speak) and morningstar can become someone completely different!! i know many who use the internet do indeed have many different nicks - to suit their mood - their persona of the moment....... or just to trick and hide....... smoke and mirrors i call it. i have never been anyone on line except morningstar... until i started to use "littleone" on my blog (Sir's name for me).......

But getting back to the vanilla morningstar... it felt funny to sign my name that way.......i haven't been JUST morningstar in a long long time.. over 5 years now.......... and in a funny way i almost felt like i was doing a dis-service to Sir..... but on the other hand...... Sir would want me to be vanilla in a vanilla situation.. but then on the other hand i am not vanilla... not deep down inside.. so did i lie when i wrote "the vanilla morningstar"........ sighhhh..it can be a little confusing sometimes...

and the ball bounces on..........

re-inventing the wheel

Have you ever felt that you are simply trying to re-invent the wheel??
i have a feeling that is what i have been trying to do these past few weeks.... let me explain........

First off .. back in the early spring...Sir purchased a book The Better Built Bondage Book. It is truly an amazing book......... it is full of instructions for building / creating your own BDSM toys / equipment.

After all this time i really hadn't ever opened it and explored it...... Sir and i had gone to a book signing .. and an exposition (of sorts) of the types of things one could produce.... i was impressed BUT as we have a fully loaded play room i just didn't see the point to building anything more..........

Then one evening our friend Cloud mentioned he had been trying to understand the directions for a braided flogger..... i tried to make a pattern from a piece of newspaper .. and landed up with dirty grubby hands and not much else to show for my effort......... BUT.. my "creative" side was tweaked. Shortly afterwards as luck would have it.. i purchased a spool of suede lacing. Out came the book and i started working on this braiding project.

Now i CAN braid.. i can even do french braiding....... so i ask you .. how difficult could it be to braid some leather lacings together to form a whip??? Once i got the hang of braiding out a strip every so many inches so that there was a natural tapering.... everything went along swimmingly ... until i looked at the project closely. i was NOT impressed with my braiding. So i unbraided and started all over.... again.. and again.. AND again!!! i tried braiding without any tension.. i tried looping the end over a door knob to help keep the tension.... i tried looping it over my big toe (that one is actually the one that worked best for me).. but still i was never satisfied with the outcome.

Finally last Sunday evening.. after napping and being totally lazy for the entire day.. out came the braiding project. Looping it over my big toe once again.. i braided it to the very end.. refusing to check my braiding until it was finished.. completely and totally finished !!! Now i do believe the BDSM gods were more frustrated with my quest for perfection than even Sir was.. because as i put in the last bit of braiding and knotted it .. the lacing snapped off in my hand. Fate had decided it was braided well enough - thank you very much !!!

i trimmed off the extra strips ...... and turned to Sir and presented Him with the new whip. Now friends.. you have heard me talk about THE whip.. the leather tawse.. the purple people eater... Miss Christine the cane.. all the evil wicked toys that Sir loves to use.. and i love to hate....... why may i ask did i have to try and re-invent the nasty toys??!!!! Sir on receiving the new whip had to - of course - try it out and see how it worked and how it felt in His hand. After a handful of swings i was dancing an Irish jig and wanting to rub my poor bum..... It turns out that this braiding project of mine..... had produced a toy that not only hurts like the devil..... BUT it also raises welts on my ass!!!!! ughhhhhhhh... will i never learn??!!!!

Note to self: do NOT try to re-invent the wheel ever again !!!

on feeling special......

Yesterday was my special day......... but truthfully in the past i have hated the 25th of October......... for many different reasons.......... and i had learned to build walls around me leading up to the 25th..... so i couldn't be hurt.. so my expectations wouldn't get too high.. so i could pretend it was just another day..........

BUT like all my walls... Sir wasn't going to allow them......... and like all my walls He just went about taking them down one brick - one stone at a time.. till i hardly noticed they had gone.....

Yesterday i did my very best to sabotage any attempts at making it my special day...... oh yeah... those walls were built tall and strong.... i organised a staff meeting for my morning.. i made a hair appointment for after work so i would be late home... i filled my calendar with lots of busy work.......... the day would pass and i would hardly notice it had been here......

Wrong again lil subbie !!!! Sir arrived at work just after 10:30 bearing flowers and Melissa Etheridge's new cd.. filling my office with flowers and music and smiles and love......... the rest of my day was spent receiving hugs and well wishes from all the staff who had seen the flowers arrive ........... like the Grinch my heart had started to grow.......

Even the hairdresser greeted me with hugs and best wishes.. and because my hair had finally grown i even got a super hair cut.. styled .. pretty.. making me feel special.... finally after months and months of bald spots and short stubby ugly hair i once again had my hair back..........i had a spring in my step when i left his shop.. and my heart had grown a bit more........

Arriving home Sir was waiting for me .......... no quick dinner by myself .. not on my special day.. OH NO !!! not with my Sir around........... a little rest.. feed the kitties and out the door in the wind and the rain for a drive to my favourite Irish pub Cunningham's for a special dinner... with my Sir ... all through dinner Sir had this devilish grin on His face.. when i had finished my dinner... a white box appeared in front of me... i gaped at it!!! BUT i had had my presents in the morning.... this dinner was another wonderful treat... this was just too much !!!! i gingerly opened the little white box.. and laying inside was the most beautiful pewter fairy .......... my heart exploded... the tears ran down my face.... my very own fairy !!! for ever and always............

Never before has this day been as special for me.. for me alone........ and these feelings aren't because of flowers and music filling my office.. or dinners.. or even fairies....... these feelings come from a man .. a simple man i call Sir taking time from His busy day to be there for me.. to fill my day with His essence.. making me feel special...... i am one very lucky subbie........

sticking my 2 cents in....

On a couple of blogs that i read.. there has been some discussion about BDSM and kids.... i nearly posted a comment on one site...... then after reading kaya's blog.. i decided it had been handled............ BUT.. it kept nagging at the back of my mind...

Before i begin.. just a little short introduction...... i have been involved in the education of children (and to some degree parents) for the last 20+ years..... i have never much liked the idea of "sex ed"... to me it has been and always will be the job of the parents to instill in their children their family values and morals.......... BUT every so often i am asked to speak to a family re appropriate behaviours.... so over the years i have done more than my share of "educating" families on appropriate behaviours....... and i was asked a few years back to write an article on BDSM and families for BDSMCircle...... if you wish to read the article in its entirety it is here.............Parents and BDSM

Both of my children know about my lifestyle choice... both were told when they were young adults.... and i know both have struggled with the lessons i taught them growing up and the seeming contradictions of the lifestyle. i taught my girls to be strong women.. to be independent.. to be free thinkers... to stand up for what they believe in....... i taught them about the value of religion .. the strength of family.. the wisdom of the ages...... i taught them everything i thought they might need to grow up to be wise beautiful women...... and i do believe i succeeded... i made mistakes (ohhhhhhh don't we all make mistakes - especially in raising children!!) i wanted to give them enough raw material (so to speak) so that they could make educated decisions about what to do with their lives when they were ready to fly the nest.. i never ever intended them to believe that what i taught was carved in stone.. no no.. more like written in sand.. to be edited and changed and yes even occasionally totally washed away........

life is about change.. and making decisions.. some good some bad.. and learning from them and moving forward.. not getting stuck in the past and fermenting there. And in a recent discussion with eldest daughter..... i said that i believed to be submissive one had to be a VERY strong character..... to give the gift of submission there has to be some strength of character to make it an actual gift. i think she understood.. i hope she understood.... this mom is just as strong willed / stubborn and determined as ever... just now i have someone to share the load with...........

Through the looking glass...

Have you ever felt like Alice through the looking glass??
i did .. this weekend......... what a weird weekend....... weird and weirder....

It really came to a head Saturday evening...... Sir and i and two friends went up to Ottawa (the capital city of the Great White North)....... to attend a Hard Play Night at the new club Breathless.

i had been jittery over going....... Hard play night......... anything goes night...... total nudity .. insertables.. any form of hard play allowed........ my imagination had been running wild with images of what this evening could/would hold.......... i didn't even beg Sir for permission to wear a pair of thongs..... no reason to.. subs were supposed to be naked right??? sighhhhh

When we all arrived the party had already started.. each station was occupied with people playing...... i looked and looked... no naked bodies.. no hard play.... it looked like any other night at any other club......... i started to get more jittery... and i had no idea why....... i leaned against the wall and wished i could just disappear into it......... my tongue felt thick and my head foggy when folks stopped to say hi and catch up on our news........ weird and getting weirder.. i was most definitely NOT my usual social butterfly self..... i was fast spinning a cocoon to hide in.......

Sir decided very early on that we would take the cross and start playing....... i was very nearly choking on the butterflies in my stomach......... i stripped off my silk shirt....... and put up my wrists for the cuffs......... Sir put them on .. too loose.. Sir tightened them .. now they were too tight but i didn't say a word .. not even when Sir clipped them to the cross and i could feel the numbness already setting in.........i kept wishing i had put on at least a pair of thongs....... i felt so exposed.. so naked .. so vulnerable..

Sir picked up my favourite flogger and i tried very hard to relax into the rhythm...... it was afterall my FAVOURITE flogger!!! a good warm up flogger... but life through the looking glass just got weirder....... the lights went up bright and Sir reached for my blindfold so that it wouldn't distract me.. (too late ... i was distracted and starting to feel like the white rabbit....... "i'm late i'm late for a very important date")... all i could hear was the thud of some toy being used on the sub next to me.. and hear his cries ......... life through the looking glass was most definitely out of sync.......

Sir was moving from toy to toy.. working His way up and down my back.. my ass.. my thighs....... in my head i was screaming for Him to stop........ i didn't "feel" Him only the sting of each different toy.... at one point i do remember telling Sir my hands had gone numb.... and Sir stopped the play long enough to loosen them up..... then He resumed with a vengance.... and i was 'breathless' not able to catch up.......

i remember screaming for Sir to stop (at least i am sure i was screaming.. though no one else heard me)..... and somehow managed to get my body off the cross and get it wedged between the side of the cross and the wall.. (i do not advise anyone to try this....... it tends to wreck havoc on one's wrists and shoulders) At that point Sir came to me and held me and asked me what was wrong.......... i was crying like a baby........ did i want Him to stop Sir asked?? no of course not.. but it didn't get any better.. only weirder...... no fairies were calling me... no rainbows were guiding me........ only pain......... Sir took me down a little after that.... and i was devastated.. i wimped out !!! i never wimp out !!! Life through the looking glass is very weird indeed. Later on Sir put me on the bondage table for a little simple sparkler play....... He had two sparklers flying over my body in different directions.. yet the only thing i really remember was the feel of another Dom's trousers against the soles of my feet.

(from Alice in Wonderland)

Who are YOU?' said the Caterpillar.This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, `I--I hardly know, Sir, just at present-- at least I know who I WAS when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

life can be very weird through the looking glass...................

lost and found

i have felt as though i have been in the "lost and found" for the last 3 days or so..... i have been going through the routine of my days but i haven't really been there... know what i mean??? i think.. a big part of me was .. is still .. finding it's way back from Sunday......

i wrote in my private journal to Sir that i have never felt like that before .. EVER! i was so completely and totally at His mercy. i do believe most of that feeling came from the fact that He took me high... and left me there.. i have been musing over how fragile / vulnerable that place made me.. and to some degree has left me.... it is a place that both scared the devil out of me.. and entices me back....... i am scared of going back there.. and scared not to.......

Once upon a time a lover scolded me because i never ever completely gave up total control during orgasm...... she was right.. i am multi orgasmic and yet i would always stop a love making session .. stop it quickly and without much warning.. just a "stop stop i can't take anymore".. she often wondered what would happen if she pushed for just one more....... i did too.. but we never found out........

i wonder now if Sir pushed me to that one more.. oh it wasn't sexual per say.. i wasn't having multiple orgasms.. but i had reached my limit ... and yet He pushed me just a bit farther........ and total control was gone....

it has been a weird few days.. a part of me sits on my own shoulder and watches me working.. and wonders who IS this woman at the computer .. on the phone counselling parents.. playing with children.... Just over there is a memory of a woman hanging on to her Sir.. drawing strength and grounding from Him... looking to Him to make all the decisions.. not wanting to move from that space.... who is the real me?? will the real me please stand up???

oh i do believe i am now out of the "lost and found" but i am still pondering.......

Woodstock???

You are Woodstock!


Which Peanuts Character are You?
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The Test

Sunday was a test....... i know it was a test.. it had to be a test ............

Sir took me downstairs to the play room... and put me up on the cross.. Sir had a plan.. He was going to send me off to the land of fairies and rainbows....... but before i went He told me .. TOLD me... when it was over He was going to leave me on the cross and go out shopping. So while He was using the buggy whip on my back, thighs and ass i kept thinking this is ok.... i can get off the cross.. i only have to unhook the hooks and poof i am off..........
When He changed to the long handled crop and continued His work on my back, my thighs, my ass, i was still feeling pretty confident of the outcome.
Then followed the floggers .. and the whip.... and honestly i do not remember what else...... i just remember hearing the call of the fairies and seeing the colours of the rainbow............

Then i felt a rope winding around my middle, peeking i saw a white rope (we have a white rope??!!) snaking around my waist .. round and round and round my waist and the cross bar of the cross...... feeling Sir's hands pulling it between my legs.. making sure it went up tight into my pussy......... round my neck....... around my breasts.. tied off. Nipple clamps attached to first one nipple then wound round the cross and fastened to the other nipple. If i moved my head up....... the ropes pulled tighter into my pussy... if i moved even slightly sideways the nipple clamps pulled on the nipples....... i couldn't move... there were no knots!!! Sir had made invisible knots!!! and He was gone !!!

The music played on ... my beloved Melissa finished and Enigma came on........ eery ... dirge like Engima...... and i was left facing the demons... the dark.. and the fears all alone.....

i have no idea how long Sir was gone.. 10 minutes?? 20?? an hour?? i only know i was left twisting in the wind....... howling darkness swirled around me... Sir came back.. took me down.. cuddled me.. held me.. laid with me on my little pillow when i couldn't move.. couldn't get up.. didn't want to get up.......

And then we went to the munch...... and there were people loads and loads of people all around.. noisy people.. and tremendous heat.... and i longed for the quiet of my pillow.. the safeness of being wrapped in Sir's arms....... not cast upon the crowds.. the multitudes... i felt small and lost.

Now today Monday i wonder what happened to me yesterday?? i am a grown woman.. i live 75% of my life alone in this house. i feel safe here.... there are NO demons allowed in this house !!! It is my santuary of calm and quiet. Yet .. yesterday.. hanging from the cross something happened to me.. i understood .. fully and completely understood that my life IS in Sir's hands.... i am His to do with as He wishes.........and He alone can bring me safely back.. anchor me securely ... and make my world bright...........

it was a test........ and i think i passed......

my gold star

For some reason when i am sick i always feel ... welll... just a tad broken. In my private journal to Sir on Friday morning i asked Him not to come to the house. i knew i was gonna have to work a full day..... and i knew my strength was still not 100%. Sir, after much deliberation, agreed not to come Friday but would arrive Saturday morning.......

And so our weekend started a day late and a dollar short. When Sir did arrive.. His energy filled the house....... i could feel it !!! Sir gave me a choice... bring Him the butt plug..... or bring Him the pretty tawse.......... (blushing furiously) i most definitely was NOT up for a session of hold the subbie down while stuffing the butt plug up....... so it really wasn't any choice...... the pretty tawse it was:

now i am thinking "He can't be seriously thinking of using THAT on me"......... but you guessed it!!! He was not only thinking of it.. He did !!!! The afternoon went a little like this...... i would lie quietly curled up under a comforter on my pillow watching TV.. but as soon as an advertisement would come on.. Sir would order me to roll over and present my ass. Then He would pick up the tawse and go to work on my ass for the duration of the advertisements. Then i would roll back over snuggle again under the comforter and watch till the next set of advertisements........ i assure you that Sir didn't go easy on my lil ass....... even if i was still feeling a 'tad broken' ........ He wanted to play and i am His toy...... simple equation!!! At one point Sir exclaimed that the cut outs in the tawse were leaving such pretty markings on my ass....... geeeeeeee isn't that sweet !!??? At another point i was remembering kaya’s #1 lesson to be shared which was "STOP Motherfucker" is not a safe word. i have no idea how long this whip the subbie's ass / watch some tv / whip the subbie's ass went on.......... i do know i got to see the fog..... but i didn't get to swoop through it and come out the other side in the land of rainbows BUT i did catch a gold star and held onto it tightly........ i know that at one point Sir had me get up on all fours and proceeded to fuck me silly - all the while i am thinking i can NOT possibly have an orgasm.. i can't !!! i am too weak......... but .. well.. Sir rarely if ever takes NO for an answer to anything...... so there i was hanging on to the sofa for support and thrusting back onto His hand begging to be allowed to cum....... and of course permission granted i did cum........ and my body shook and trembled and twitched from it.....

i was allowed to go and put the finishing touches on dinner and to serve it..... before being ordered back onto the pillow. For Sir's evening entertainment, i wasn't allowed to roll over.. this time it was my pussy and inner thighs turn to feel the sting of the tawse.... same routine though.. watch the TV show and during the advertisements off came the comforter.... At one point to get a better aim?? or a better swing?? (i am honestly not sure which) Sir stood between my legs.. forcing them wider apart.. definitely giving Him a better chance of hitting my clit jewelry.

(just a little TV editorial here......... the new show COMMANDER IN CHIEF....... has more ads than actual TV show !!! trust me on this one.. i could barely catch my breath before the ads were back on!!!)

Sir decided it would be good fun to use the tawse on my breasts... He delighted in swinging and hitting and trying to catch the nipple in the cut outs. And then as the day was drawing to close .. Sir decided a final challenge........... how many clothespins could He put on my pussy lips!!??? For anyone interested.. 16 total!!!

This day of play went a long way to putting this subbie back together again........ i was not feeling broken..... and though i didn't find the land of rainbows...... i did discover a kind of gold star.......... that i softly floated upon........... while Sir healed His subbie who had been feeling a "tad broken"....

Oh yeahhhhhhhhhh i almost forgot... Sir told me that He expects to get a good whipping in BEFORE we head off to a munch here in the Great White North on Sunday...... i will hold on tight to my gold star...........

Changes

i do NOT do well with changes. i like routine .. i like things just the way they are.. i hate CHANGES!

Yet that is what life is about no?? changes. Life is always changing.. not always improving but most definitely changing..... so why after all these years haven't i learned to cope with changes better??

i didn't think i was a rigid person.... considering my job and the need to be flexible and change things at the last minute.... but i am discovering over and over again i do NOT like changes .. they upset me.. they stress me.. they make me want to come home, close the door and disappear.

Changes.......

People change...... one day a friend walks by and doesn't speak ...... and i am left thinking WHAT IS THAT ABOUT???? another day a group that flourished and was fun (at least i thought it was fun) just stops functioning......... and i am left wondering WHY??

Changes..........

BUT i change too don't i?? i know for certain that Sir has brought about changes in my life.. He tends to institute them with small baby steps so i hardly notice the change and can cope with them...... and there are folks that can't figure out my changes and feel lost and isolated from me.

Changes........

i read a blog this week.. where the submissive was talking about lines changing.. and moving forward in the lifestyle.. and how she was losing friends .. or friends were moving away from her (something like that).... and i have been mulling over in my head what friends Sir and i had 4 years ago.. and who are friends today....... it amazes me the ones that have backed off..... disappeared into the mists of change.

Changes.......

i am sure there are a number of reasons for this............ one is so blatant it kinda slaps me upside the head...... Sir and i have become more and more D/s....... more and more of a power exchange has happened. At a gathering of "like minded" people one night, a Dom sat with me and chatted for a bit. He kept asking me if i was happy now? really happy? really contented? All the while He had this quizzical look on His face as though i was talking a foreign language. He didn't get this relationship Sir and i have... just didn't get it.. it isn't His "kink" for lack of a better word. Now He and His partner rarely if ever even acknowledge Sir and i...... it makes me sad..

Changes.....

There was another Dom that Sir and i included frequently in the things we did. But one event - we did not include this Dom and feelings were hurt - badly hurt. Neither Sir nor i intended hurt.......... we just wanted some freedom to meet new folks alone folks we hoped would share our love of D/s and the power exchange..... this Dom didn't share that same love / need .....it made sense to Sir and i but not to the Dom obviously....... and that was change that hurt someone else

Changes........

Memories haunt me these days .. of clubs that were crowded to the rafters..much laughter and music and whips and floggers and chains and good conversation........ now gone...
Friends who would come by the house and visit and play and laugh and chat .. now gone....

Changes........

i am thinking it is time for Sir and i to try and find new friends, new activities that include more like minded folk.......... but it is not an easy task... D/s - power exchange folks seem plentiful on the web - in blogs - but in real life .. in the Great White North....... as rare as sunshine these days..........

Changes ..........

bouncing balls

i am back......... sort of.. i climbed out of bed this morning and realized i was gonna live.... i did spend just one more day at home.. just to make sure .. but yeah i am gonna live....

Now tonite's blog is just gonna be a whole mess of random thoughts..... (comes from spending time in bed with no energy and a whole mess of time to solve the world's woes) My Sir tends to call these random thoughts "subbie's bouncing ball"........

* i was thinking today having read a blog where the submissive was a little ticked at her children's teachers....... how difficult sometimes it is to be a teacher!! and how sometimes the good Lord just didn't give me a whole mess of diplomacy or tact. Take friday for example...... i had parents dropping off children for the trip and LEAVING when they hadn't even registered their child for the trip! Parents sent children in pants and tshirts - no boots no rainwear nothing and it was forecasted to be a rainy day! i love the kids.. i just tend to find the parents a bit wearing........ some days..........

* i was thinking how Sir after reading a number of blogs on Sunday declared that there seemed to be a bit of a subbie revolt happening...... i went and read the blogs and realized i am not alone in my stubbornness.. my fighting the vanilla side .... my cheekiness.. all my bad traits.. there are a whole mess of subbies out there feeling pretty much the same things.. wow.. it is nice to know i am not alone........

* i was thinking about the article i read in the Washington Post about the FBI Porn Squad and how many web sites / blogs might be threatened by this new squad. And it made me sad.... and it made me wonder why the government feels the need to censor our lives.......

* i was thinking about the emails and ecards i received from subbies all around the world who read about my flu bug / cold / slow death...... whatever it was i have had since Monday.. and how lucky i am to have made those connections. Made me realize we are a whole lot more than words on a page... we can and DO make connections across the miles...

* and i read some Lessons to be Shared written by kaya which i just had to share with those who read my blog......... they made me laugh out loud...... my personal favourite was 18. Don't keep blowing out the candle. They see no humor in that......... to which i added.. "do not sing happy birthday to ME while blowing out said candle".

and with that ...... the bouncing ball comes to a stop.................

my inner child

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.You cherish all of the details in life.Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How is Your inner child

off balance

This was most definitely a weekend of "keep the sub off balance"...

Friday my mind set was "dinner party" .. BUT .. i had a nice long session with Cloud and Sir - before being sent off to the kitchen to cook and prepare.....

Saturday my mind set was Thanksgiving with eldest daughter ... BUT.. Sir paddled me into oblivion and then sent me off to shower and dress for said party..

Sunday my mind set was a quiet morning then off to youngest daughter's Thanksgiving party.. BUT ... Sir sent for the vibrator and had me on my back masturbating hourly ..... one orgasm per hour......... while Sir snapped pictures for His amusement and entertainment........ and by the 3rd hour 3rd orgasm when it was getting a wee bit more difficult to produce any earth shaking sort of orgasm.. and this lil subbie was thinking "enough is enough already!!" Sir pinched and pulled on my nipples till i had yet another earth shaking orgasm...... and when the next one was due and i was SURE that Sir really was asking wayyyyy too much .. out came Mr Snake and i was told to spread 'em even wider........ and while i worked the vibrator in and out... Sir was slapping my inner thighs in rhythm.....then a family phone call interrupted the schedule and as i was dashing up the stairs to hit the showers .. Sir pushed my head into the corner of the stairs on the landing and managed to administer a rather sharp and stinging hand spanking .. just to keep my ass warm... and subbie in her place.........

When Sir and i finally returned home from the 3rd and final massive Thanksgiving dinner in 3 days...... i curled up on the floor at His feet content to digest the good cooking and just relax....... Sir had yet one more orgasm demand... this time with the KY warming jelly ........ i was really doing my best to dissuade Him ... my tummy was too full... my ass was still nicely bruised and marked from the floggings/paddlings/spankings and my pussy was feeling used and abused and dry.....which is why the KY warming jelly was applied liberally to the vibrator AND to my clit and every other nook and crevice ...... no longer dry... and now every stroke of the vibrator brought heat .. almost a burning heat ... Sir took the vibrator out of my hand this time... and went to work on me... making sure that He got the most out of the warming jelly...... my pussy and clit were on FIRE !! but still He continued until i came with a body arching orgasm....... and ejaculation which left a puddle on my pillow........ sighhh... and i was left to lie in the puddle for the rest of the evening .. a reminder of who and what i am...........

yes it was most definitely a "keep the subbie off balance" sort of weekend.........

(and pssssssssst - whispering - i loved every minute of it !!!)

Saturday's fog

i do believe this weekend is about keeping me off guard .. in the dark... and very fogged up..... just as the fog from friday was lifting... and i was able to sing out "i can see clearly now"................ Sir had me fetch the wooden paddle from the basement

when i returned to the living room lying on the sofa beside Sir was Mr Snake.. originally purchased for punishments only - obviously it was going to be used for some other purpose..........
i was told to lie on my pillow ass up......... and Sir examined the bruising on my ass from Friday's session.... He delighted in using the wooden paddle to point out exactly where the bruising was...... and to inquire if it still hurt??!!! Bruising when it is even tapped with a wooden paddle hurts YES!!! but when it is whalloped with a wooden paddle??? don't even try and explain the world of hurt.......

It did not take long at all for this littleone to lose total and complete track of time and space........ and the interesting thing about lying on one's stomach on the floor (even on a pillow on the floor) is that there really is no wiggle room.. no place for an irish jig or two... just continous thudding whallops... and screeching pain.........

i remember whallop after whallop.. i remember feeling soooooo sleepy and thinking how nice it would be to just close my eyes and drift off to sleep and i remember wondering if Sir would find it insulting if i actually DID fall asleep..... i remember a phone call and Sir assuring the person on the other end that He was indeed paddling my ass as He spoke.. and even agreed to land a couple of nice HARD ones so that i would shriek and the party on the phone could hear........... i remember soon after Sir standing between my legs .. forcing them wide apart....... and i remember Mr Snake being used on the backs of my thighs and pussy lips and ass with steady continuous stingy hits...(Mr Snake is actually in another life a shoe horn......... and has that natural bend to both sides for a heel to fit into) i felt the natural curve of the shoe horn fitting nicely between my pussy lips....... stinging inside me!!!! i was whimpering and wiggling.. and i do believe pleading.......

Shortly after Sir sat back down on the sofa and picked up the wooden paddle in one hand.. Mr Snake in the other....... the paddle worked on my ass - Mr Snake on the backs of my thighs and tender underneath bits of my ass....

Sometime later Sir ordered me up into the shower before heading out to eldest daughter's Thanksgiving celebration........... through the fog............

A view through the fog

i have been sitting for the last little while thinking about what to write in my blog.. so much of what i am "seeing" in my mind's eye is a bit like peering out into the fog......

Yesterday when Sir arrived here at the condo, He had brought along our friend Cloud. Immediately i was ordered to the basement.. barely time to catch my breath.... downstairs strung up to the chains in the ceiling.. both Doms eyeing me up and down.. Sir picking up one of the floggers and going to work pretty fast and hard on my breasts / nipples.. i remember some discussion - and i do remember i was able to offer some coherent thoughts on the subject of the sensitivity of my nipples - and then there are blurs.. blurs of Sir using toy after toy of Cloud's - discussions between the two of them concerning the pros and cons of each one..... i remember Sir offering Cloud the pretty tawse.. i remember glancing over my shoulder and seeing Cloud swinging that pretty leather tawse and feeling the burning thud as it bit into my ass...... i remember doing an irish jigs of sorts over some other toy......i remember some discussion about what i thought of the idea of Cloud coming over regularily to the condo to work with me.... umm now was it "work WITH me"?? or "work ON me"??? i don't remember.... i remember feeling scared at the thought... then i remember the feel of the wooden paddle..... i remember bending over .. thrusting my ass out.. wanting to feel the cool of the paddle against my burning ass.... and yes indeed feeling the coolness...... then hearing the thud whallop as it struck me...... feeling my body jerk forward... the chains holding me upright .. moving back .. bending over .. wanting more... i remember Cloud half leaning half sitting on the spanking bench watching.....i remember Sir's fingers searching out the wetness between my legs.. sliding into me.. teasing me .. finding THAT spot inside me.. i remember feeling extreme embarassement at the thought of orgasming with Cloud watching.. i remember making some excuse about the need to pee so that Sir would stop (and He did!) and then i remember coming down.... laughing from the pain in my shoulders... going down on all fours to kiss Sir's feet and thank Him.. crawling across to Cloud's feet .....

remembering an over flow of emotions fogging my brain.. squinting hard to try and bring it all into view a little better....

Holiday Time in the Great White North

It is Thanksgiving time here in the great White North........ a long weekend... 3 whole days... i should be excited right?? anxiously awaiting my time with Sir??? BUT as luck or fate would have it......... we are booked for Friday Saturday and Sunday with vanilla friends family and turkeys.....

i was trying to find some humour in the whole thing last evening with Sir.. and i said,... "how can i turn a blog about thanksgiving into something BDSM???" Then i let my imagination run a bit and started listing off everything that popped into my mind - like......
tying up the turkey....... sticking a thermometer up it's ass....... carving the turkey....... and Sir mentioned the above picture He had sent me and suggested that for Friday evening's meal i could be the centerpiece...... EXCEPT for the fact that Friday evening's meal is with some vanilla friends......... so i will cook a nice roast of beef, yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes and veggies....... (no one - in my opinion - needs or wants 3 consecutive days of turkey dinner.. ugh!!!) and Sir will bring a nice floral centerpiece that will sit in the middle of the table... maybe Sir and i will look at the centerpiece and see me trussed up well oiled with a cob of corn in my mouth - instead of the flowers........

BUT traditionally Thanksgiving weekend is about giving thanks for all the good things we have........ and so it is right and just that we spend this special weekend with family and friends -
* i AM so grateful that broken bridges have been mended between eldest daughter and myself...... and that Sir and i will be sharing a thanksgiving meal with her and her friends and extended family on Saturday
* i AM so grateful that a broken relationship between youngest daughter and the father of their child has been mended and we will all be sitting down together to share this meal with them and their extended family on Sunday
* i AM so grateful that i have a healthy spunky lil grandson -
* i AM so grateful i have a kind and loving Sir who allows me to serve Him and kneel at His feet....... even when i get bitchy and cranky and way toooooo vanilla.......

and who knows....... sometime this weekend.. squeezed between all those turkey meals and all those social times with family and friends maybe.. just maybe ...Sir and i will be able to find some quiet time just for U/us .. for the healing of our relationship.... and a new beginning................

maybe i can be Sir's own turkey (literally and figuratively - cause i can be SUCH a turkey sometimes!!!) and i will be trussed up in ropes.. and be stuffed and heated up and carved and be left as sated as those that stuff themselves on turkey and dressing and potatoes .........

Happy Thanksgiving to all our friends in the Great White North..........

endophin junky

Like all good junkies.. i am going through endophin withdrawals this week.... spiraling down.. craving... deep desperate cravings.......

i have read how some submissives on orders from their Doms, inflict pain on themselves... beating various body parts. Some days i wonder if i could do that (with permission ) to ease the craving........ but could i give myself the pain i crave??? i honestly sincerely doubt it. i am sure that these submissives who spank various body parts do indeed inflict pain on themselves.. and a part of me admires them... i am not sure i could do that..... BUT i am 99% positive that they get no where near the amount of pain that i enjoy/crave. i do not believe that you could honestly sincerely give yourself that amount of pain.

When Sir lifts a flogger and hits me that very first hit...... my mind rebels.. it yells OUCH. When the first needle slides effortlessly into my skin and even though it is giving me the pain i crave i still wince and my mind yells OUCH. When the hot wax drips on my soft cool skin my mind again rebels and yells OUCH. Often times i wiggle and squirm and try with all my being to avoid the pain........ that is what the body should do - right?? avoid pain. BUT Sir continues.. i need Him to continue...... to bring me past the screeching and wailing of OUCH.... to that place where the pain is pleasure - where there is no OUCH.. but only explosions and bright lights and pretty colours ..... to the point where i let go.... totally and completely let go and fly............

And when i return ..... i am soft and cuddly.... and complete.... and right with the world once again............

But now.. now i am craving........ and it hurts.........

on training........

i have been reading a book called 'The Marketplace' - it is fiction but deals with BDSM and the obvious (from the title) selling of submissives/slaves. It has brought me a few moments of weak kneed responses....... and a definite longing. BUT it IS fiction and real life is so far removed from the story line. Nevertheless it has made me think... ponder.. dream and fantasize.

No not fantasize about being sold.. BUT.. more about being sent away to be trained. To spend day after day .. hour after hour .. focused solely and completely on my submission. Somewhere between the fantasy and the vanilla world is the real world of D/s - i am sure !!!!

Here are just some of the things i think would go a long way to training a submissive/slave..... or retraining as the case may be........

* physical inspections - a rather humbling/humiliating experience... bound to put anyone in a submissive mind set - nothing is hidden - everything exposed ..

* made to kneel - or lie - or sit - in a manner which leaves all of the submissive exposed to the Dom's view at all times - and easily within reach for the Dom's amusement

* being put on the floor for meals - fed from the Dom's plate - or fed later

* orgasm denial

* being made to masturbate using vibrators /dildos or other items to amuse the Dom

* voice training - soft quiet voice - speaking only when spoken to - use of gag to quiet an overly talkative sub

* posture training - movement training : a yardstick tied to the back of a submissive will teach her to sit and stand and walk tall - a training collar will teach her to hold her head high - ankles shackled together will teach her to take small steps - no chains clanking will force her to learn to walk quietly

* shaving the submissive - will re-enforce that nothing is hidden from the Dom..... made to lie very still open and exposed

these are just some of my thoughts on training or retraining a submissive......... things that can be done behind closed doors away from the vanilla world.. to reinforce the submissive's place...... to chase away the strength needed out there in the vanilla world - what i call the big bad world....... submissives need to feel the boundaries .. the chain link fence around the play yard that keeps the inner child safe.

on thinking....

i have been doing a lot of thinking this weekend..... not in a cage or in a box like other submissives but i might as well have been locked away....

It all started friday........ feeling a distance from my Sir.. feeling in trouble..... Saturday Sir told me that i had become too "vanilla" ........ there have been no sessions this weekend.. there has been no sex.. there hasn't even been the nightly rituals with Miss Christine (the cane) or the crop as i lay chained in bed......... a distance... a space to think about being "too vanilla"..

and this morning it was all so very clear to me.... like being locked in a box or a cage with nothing cluttering up my mind.. clear to focus on the problem.... i can't explain it.. but this enforced abstinence from pain and pleasure has cleared the way for me to really think....... and Sir is .. of course.. right.. i have become too vanilla!!! i have become way too cheeky and too familiar with Him.. with others.. with the lifestyle..... i guess i needed the quietness in my head to be able to sort things out.. D/s is not physical per say.. it is mainly - basically - mental........ and therefore being given this time to think.. has helped me refocus on the D/s.......... on my role within this D/s relationship.

Now i wonder ....... i know what Sir wants from me.. He told me often enough during training...... a good submissive is quiet, obedient and invisible. i used to be that subbie...... i will fight to become that subbie again.......... i will learn to delicately balance my personal life with my professional life (at least until such time as i am independently wealthy and can stay home permanently) .. i will bite my tongue HARD when Sir commands me to do something and NOT hestitate....... and as for the jealousy?? wellllllllll i didn't think i was.. but if Sir says it it must be so........... 1st Rule of D/s - the Dom is always right......... (second rule.. when in doubt refer to Rule #1)

i guess i have some goals to set out...... some thinking still to do..........