lost and found

i have felt as though i have been in the "lost and found" for the last 3 days or so..... i have been going through the routine of my days but i haven't really been there... know what i mean??? i think.. a big part of me was .. is still .. finding it's way back from Sunday......

i wrote in my private journal to Sir that i have never felt like that before .. EVER! i was so completely and totally at His mercy. i do believe most of that feeling came from the fact that He took me high... and left me there.. i have been musing over how fragile / vulnerable that place made me.. and to some degree has left me.... it is a place that both scared the devil out of me.. and entices me back....... i am scared of going back there.. and scared not to.......

Once upon a time a lover scolded me because i never ever completely gave up total control during orgasm...... she was right.. i am multi orgasmic and yet i would always stop a love making session .. stop it quickly and without much warning.. just a "stop stop i can't take anymore".. she often wondered what would happen if she pushed for just one more....... i did too.. but we never found out........

i wonder now if Sir pushed me to that one more.. oh it wasn't sexual per say.. i wasn't having multiple orgasms.. but i had reached my limit ... and yet He pushed me just a bit farther........ and total control was gone....

it has been a weird few days.. a part of me sits on my own shoulder and watches me working.. and wonders who IS this woman at the computer .. on the phone counselling parents.. playing with children.... Just over there is a memory of a woman hanging on to her Sir.. drawing strength and grounding from Him... looking to Him to make all the decisions.. not wanting to move from that space.... who is the real me?? will the real me please stand up???

oh i do believe i am now out of the "lost and found" but i am still pondering.......