Wednesday, October 05, 2005

endophin junky

Like all good junkies.. i am going through endophin withdrawals this week.... spiraling down.. craving... deep desperate cravings.......

i have read how some submissives on orders from their Doms, inflict pain on themselves... beating various body parts. Some days i wonder if i could do that (with permission ) to ease the craving........ but could i give myself the pain i crave??? i honestly sincerely doubt it. i am sure that these submissives who spank various body parts do indeed inflict pain on themselves.. and a part of me admires them... i am not sure i could do that..... BUT i am 99% positive that they get no where near the amount of pain that i enjoy/crave. i do not believe that you could honestly sincerely give yourself that amount of pain.

When Sir lifts a flogger and hits me that very first hit...... my mind rebels.. it yells OUCH. When the first needle slides effortlessly into my skin and even though it is giving me the pain i crave i still wince and my mind yells OUCH. When the hot wax drips on my soft cool skin my mind again rebels and yells OUCH. Often times i wiggle and squirm and try with all my being to avoid the pain........ that is what the body should do - right?? avoid pain. BUT Sir continues.. i need Him to continue...... to bring me past the screeching and wailing of OUCH.... to that place where the pain is pleasure - where there is no OUCH.. but only explosions and bright lights and pretty colours ..... to the point where i let go.... totally and completely let go and fly............

And when i return ..... i am soft and cuddly.... and complete.... and right with the world once again............

But now.. now i am craving........ and it hurts.........


  1. what a lifestyle we are in where no pain hurts and too much just feels great

  2. ahhhhhh but Cloud - not everyone in this lifestyle enjoys the pain... different strokes right?? (cheeky grin)

    morningstar (owned by Warren)

  3. Anonymous10:31 am

    You are absolutely correct in saying that you cannot give yourself that level of pain. No matter how much you can make it *hurt*, thats all it does.. is hurt. It doesn't even come close to *meaning* the same thing.
    I'm often instructed to 'hurt myself' when Master is away on business. He simply enjoys the pictures, He understands that it won't bring me to any level of pain-induced subspace. I *do* however get off on the fact that He is getting off on the pictures... and it does take me to a deeper level of submission to know that I will inflict anything upon myself at His bidding. In turn it gives Him a level of satisfaction to know that I am doing something to myself at His will that I really don't want to do and don't enjoy doing. Sadists, huh?
    The downside is that you can become accustomed to your own level of pain. After extended business trips where I've been left in charge of my own masochism, I have some trouble adjusting back to Master's level of pain. I stop when it He don't!
    It's so nice to be back in blogland! I have alot of catching up to do.


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