A week ago the doctors sent me home for two weeks to give me a rest from the hospital and being poked and prodded and nagged.
The first few days were heavenly - freedom from hospital smells - hospital routine - from tests and knots in my stomach about what the tests found. (mostly inclusive results)
Then reality set in........ I wasn't getting any better - I was tired all the time - I didn't have much interest in anything. BUT I was making myself get up and make 3 meals a day - that was the promise that had sealed my discharge - that I would EAT......
If someone had told me six months ago - hell 2 months ago - that I would have no interest in food I would have said "I wish!!" I love food - mostly the bad stuff - you know fast foods with lots of grease and calories..... sweets with tons of calories ....... junk food with tons of calories.
I am on a high calorie diet to try and get some weight and muscle mass back. So I am not really limited on what I can eat or not eat........... just so long as I eat 3 meals a day with at least one snack thrown in for good measure.
At first I stocked up on all the foods I usually liked to eat - chicken fingers - hamburger - meatballs - but when I cooked meals with those foods they stuck in my throat - tasted like crap and weren't the least bit appetizing.
So now I am eating bland boring foods - hamburger patties I made up from the mess of hamburger I defrosted....... hamburger patties with potatoes - with noodles - as a hamburger...... I am eating shrimp (usually a splurge around here - but hell they at least taste good!!) precooked chicken I bought in sandwiches and with potatoes....... and chocolate milk........ I can't keep chocolate milk in the house !!! and the strangest thing is - I don't much like chocolate - but yum chocolate milk tastes sooooo good now. I am also drinking gallons of apple juice..... haven't had that since I was nursing my babies.......but it tastes good now. And my beloved cup of coffee first thing in the morning is tasting good too. Oh yeah and real bagels !!! I had gone to the skinny bagels to try and cut back on calories - they never did taste the same - so back to the doughy yummy bagels for breakfast and sandwiches !!
For anyone interested I have lost over 3 inches over my entire body - which means nothing fits - I am soon gonna need suspenders for my underpants. I have managed to find some small jeans that fit comfy now....... and a couple of turtle necks that work. But for the most part I am slopping around in loose way too loose clothing.
My other complaint is a total lack of energy. I can do small chores (like cleaning the bedroom) then have to lie down and rest - if not nap - for an hour or so. That bugs me... no - more than bugs me - it scares me. I used to be this ball of fire........... but the fire has whittled down to a small ember. My brother called me yesterday - my brother the health nut. He made a valid point - one I am holding on to. If I have lost so much muscle mass then I won't have a lot of energy till it comes back. The muscles are what give me energy - no muscle - no energy. Made sense to me.
So I am gonna try walking a little bit each day - if only this winter weather would cooperate a tad... or else do the stairs more. Try walking around the house more - I did shovel the wee bit of snow we had this week - and I didn't die from doing that.
One doctor said it was going to take a long time to bring me back to where I was - I am guessing he meant more than a couple of weeks.
Thursday this week I see my surgeon again. I have a strong feeling he is going to refer me to an internist to get to the bottom of this problem. Part of me welcomes this referral - maybe someone will be able to fix this elusive problem. Another part of me is scared stiff - more hospital time? more tests and prodding and poking??? More surgery???
But for now the challenge continues to find food I will eat - and to try and find some energy and a bit of my joie de vie.