I have had a lot of words rolling around in my head these last few days..... and have had (am still having a hard time) sorting them out and accepting them.
words....... mother, hot, sister, sexy, grandma, hot, friend, cold, sensual, horny, photographer, retired, submissive, masochist, blah blah blah... the list is endless. IF you put "I am " in front of any of those words you have my truth or someone else's truth about me.
Intimacy is another word that has been gnawing at me... I am thinking everyone has a different definition -- ok maybe not definition but importance attached to that word.
Sometimes - can't a form of intimacy be much stronger -- have more impact on one party than another?? much like words can have more of an impact on someone?? (and remember I really REALLY struggle with the lessons I learned -- good girls DO NOT....(fill in the blank)..... without a commitment)
And how do you explain that a word (and perhaps an intimate act) is leaving you limp and emotional?
I think it starts off as fun - exciting - arousing - because a word, an act can be a private secret between two people...... in theory. BUT in reality when it is no longer just a theory being tossed about -- when it happens -- it can leave you feeling fragile no???
And then I think of all those words I have read - or heard -- or even debated -- about how women react differently to intimate acts than males do........ women can feel them deeper can be more invested in the act than the male.
How do I get pass feeling limp and fragile? How do I move from here 'X' to -------- feeling I have been pleasing and a good submissive, a good girl ..... that I haven't done something wrong???
As stupid as this sounds -- and trust me even as I write this I feel stupid -- how do I get pass feeling like I have lowered my personal worth ???
Yeah like I said -- I am feeling just a tad fragile right now...
I journal a lot, specifically something called a bullet journal. What that is, is almost irrelevant (if you're interested, you can google it) but what IS relevant is this: One of the things that I've learned about through that is the idea of affirmations: of daily (almost daily) writing down important things about yourself that you need to gain confidence in. The theory goes is that the more you write it, the more you believe it. I know it sounds a bit crackpot, but scientists are finding that writing (by hand) drives information into the brain in a way that typing does not (hence the move to get students to write lecture notes, instead of typing them!). And this plays into that process. I've been doing this since April of this year and I have to say, my confidence is now at an all time high. Whether that's confidence in my work or in how I look... doesn't matter. I feel happy with my body for the first time in my life, accepting it as it is, yes I can lose weight, that's not the point, even if I lose weight i will probably always have big boobs for example. and I'm starting to love the general shape i am. Loving WHO i am.
ReplyDeleteI strongly recommend doing something similiar, exploring some of the ideas that you're struggling with, and hopefully, over time, your brain will let go of all the negative good girls don't... and reconcile yourself to some of the issues.
*huggss* ... no easy answer, but then, I think you knew there wouldn't be.