Epiphany

Actually I had a couple of 'em yesterday......

One is that his wife reads here -- hell she has been reading here since before we even met -- since the beginning -- since The Journey.  I knew that -- and have been censoring myself a little bit....... except for yesterday...... yesterday the words just exploded out of my head......... and the world didn't come to an end (see my happy face?)

The second one is much more important.

I have talked about this a wee bit before...... how submissives always set the ground rules -- with their hard limits.  It's something I have always done -- from the very beginning.  There were things that I put on the list that were not really hard limits -- no they were more things that scared me.  Things that I was sure would define me -- by the standards I was raised.  

And then Hands came along.  And He asked about the things on my hard limits -- and made me think about them.... really think. And I agreed to ask some awkward questions -- and then I agreed to drop some of the hard limits.

And then I had a mini melt down.  I thought I was suffering from sub drop -- but deep down inside I knew it was so much more.  I was hearing all my 'friendly' voices that talk to me in the dead of night..... I was fragile ..... and scared.  Hands had a talk with me yesterday -- and He said something that really struck home with me... 

" A lot of people are happy to be submissive if they are submitting to doing things that they want to do anyways. It takes a lot more to push limits, especially ones that can be scary in their own way"

 I sat staring at those words -- he was so right!  I have always been a 'good submissive" but how hard was it when it was all the things I wanted to do anyway??? 

This time we started doing something HE wanted -- HE liked and it felt very uncomfortable for many reasons.  Mostly because of the lessons I learned growing up .... my favourite phrase from those years were " they won't respect you in the morning"  In my muddled state yesterday I asked Hands 'do you still respect me' (small smile) and I told him about the voices and how scared I was.  He made me smile by saying he would take my voices and have a nice talk with them over tea. 

It's really hard to push one's comfort levels -- and there's still a whole lot of pushing to do -- but I know that I am pleasing Him -- and that he will be there when I get fragile.