Closing the Book

This is a BIG weekend!

Tonight Sir Steve and I are heading off to a barbeque munch at a friend's house.  Most of the people that have stood beside me -- propped me up when I needed propping -- laughed with me and played with me -- will be there.  It will be my chance to say my "good byes".  Some of the goodbyes will most likely be pretty tearful.  But all of these people will be in my heart forever.

Then Sunday we are loading up my car -- locking the door on the apartment -- and I will be following Sir Steve down the 401 to our new life together.  For the next few weeks I will be staying with him until my new home is ready and my furniture arrives.  

I thought I would have more emotions about leaving Kingston.   But there are so many reasons to close the book on this city.  Despite the fact that Kingston has been a fun city for the last 4 years .... it has brought me much sadness too.... and it never felt like home -- I was alone here -- far from my family and their loving support.  My new city of choice holds adventure for me -- new places to explore -- almost 2 hours closer to my family -- my own lil home with a front yard -- and of course (big grin) Sir Steve.  So I close the book willingly with little regret.

I used to fear change - but not these days.  I have grown so much over the last 2 years -- discovered I am much stronger than I ever believed...  much more confident than I ever thought possible -- and I have come to realize that life is meant to be lived to the fullest.

And I have every intention of living the fullest life possible  -- and that dear readers is a VERY good thing! 

Stand up

I thought I had made such strides forward over the last almost 8 months.  I really did.  

Last week mini me told me she thought I would be getting a letter from W.  I said "forewarned is forearmed" and basically forgot about it.

The other day the postman brought me a registered letter.  Yeah so much for forewarned.  

The letter was wordy - legal speak sort of writing - but what it boiled down to was W wanted me to confirm that I had taken everything that was mine out of the house and what wasn't claimed by the 15th of March was his to dispose of as he saw fit.

It riled me up ..... I don't know why - except I thought he was gone - POOF!  gone - blocked and deleted and gone.  AND yet here he was again - poking into my life.  

BUT by sending me this letter he opened a door for me.  

You see - when I moved out 8 months ago - my toy bag got stuffed in a cupboard cause truthfully I never thought it would see the light of day again.  (Yeah right!!)  When I did open my toy bag - there was almost nothing in it.  I was so upset.  So many beautiful toys gone....... forever.  Or so I thought.

Ok W you want me to take what is mine??!! (my spine straightened just a little bit)  I sent him an email and said "right - this is a list of what I want" and list I did. When we were together - a lot of the 'toys' bought were bought by me... yeah they were given to him BUT they were for me (do you follow my logic??)

And there were 3 specific toys I wanted.

I wanted the steel spiked flogger

The circus whip - the first whip I ever bought

and the cane. 

 Well a couple of emails went back and forth between us - what it boiled down to was I was an "Indian giver" taking back gifts I had given him.  Technically yeah he's right - but he has 3 canes - umpteen floggers (and this one was given to him FOR me- protocols and all that) and the whip - well i had bought him at least 2.  

So I didn't back down - and I didn't beg and I didn't cry - I demanded them back.  He threw them into a garbage bag and told me (in the late afternoon) that he had thrown the bag out on the front deck and I could pick it up whenever I wanted!

After dinner I decided to go and pick it up.  My heart pounded (literally pounding against my chest - I thought I was gonna be sick) as I drove down the street.  I was gonna park on the opposite side and slink up the stairs but at the last minute I parked right in front of the house and walked proudly up the stairs - head held high.  I saw him watching me through the darkened window.  I didn't flinch.  I didn't hesitate.  I picked up the bag and slowly with strength and grace I walked back down the stairs and to my car.

As I drove home I realized this was probably the very first time I actually stood up to him - demanded what I wanted - instead of begging - instead of jumping through his hoops and damn it felt good!!



The first thing I did when I got home was take the toys out and stroke them - silly eh?? 
then I took pictures and then I picked up the damn letter he sent me and tore it into little pieces.  DONE - I am done ........ oh he may lurk around the edges of my life - but he is torn into tiny pieces .. forever gone now ! 

Now my toys are home - ready to be used by my new playmates and I am so ready to stand tall and strong again !

     

Last Blooms

One of the things I have been fussing over/thinking about - are my gardens.  I wonder what will happen to them once I am gone.  They were -- after all -- my doing - my passion.  I can hardly go out to look at them now..... like leaving behind kids in a divorce.  Yeah I know it sounds weird - but some days that's how it feels.

Now mostly my back garden is Asian themed - so lots of different textures and different shades of green - tall wispy grasses and flowering vines that cover (or will one day) the side fence.

But there were two bushes left by the previous owner.  When I started the back garden project - I didn't want them removed.  One is at the corner of the house - just before you actually enter the back yard...... so it was left.  It always bloomed in late July / August with the most spectacular purple blooms.... I have NO idea what the plant is...... but I loved it.

This summer it started to bloom - and I thought something was wrong.  The flowers were white!!  I have watched and over the last two weeks more and more and MORE buds have appeared........... and some are white and some are purple.  My lil bush - almost forgotten in the corner - is putting on a spectacular show this summer ........ weird isn't it?? maybe it's giving it all it's got to bid me farewell...............

 The front garden has been the bane of my existence.  When I got here it was mostly weeds and tons of rocks.  It took me 2 summers of digging up the weeds and removing the rocks  - fertilizing it - babying it - to actually get a garden bed worth working in..... But truthfully nothing seemed to flourish.  There was an ugly green bush (tiny bit of a thing) in the corner.  This spring I vowed if it didn't do anything this summer then it was going in the compost bucket.

A week or so ago I swore I saw a tiny wee bud on it.   Lo and behold - there were 2 buds on it!!  AND it would appear that tiny wee do-nothing bush is actually a hydrangea or as my father called them "snowball bushes".  Usually they bloom (in my experience) in the early spring with BIG white round flowers.  I have seen purpley blue flowers (even tried once to create them - as you must add a special acid to the soil) But for the most part they were always white.  Well the buds on my wee tiny bush in the front garden started to open a week ago ........... and lo and behold the flowers aren't white - they aren't even the purpley blue............ they are ........ well you tell me I say pink but then for the most part I am coloured blind ...........

I took some last pictures of the flowers in the gardens..... something to take with me to my new home.... a fond memory of "my gardening days' 

  

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 Note to "Downunder Don" I got your comment about pictures and promise there will be more ... soon... I have a photography friend who is all but kidnapping me to get me back out there with my camera...... so yeah - soon I promise more artsy fartsy shots :) For now you will have to content yourself with the mundane :)