25 Days

There are 25 days (give or take a day) till Christmas.  

And as planned I spent a part of the weekend decorating my lil apartment.  I have always - well since the girls were small - had a Christmas theme.  This year I decided to go "glam" - so silver and white is the theme.  As much as possible the apartment is done up in silver and white.

When I dragged all the containers of decorations out - Missy the cat had to get in on the confusion.............. she really just wanted to help !!!  (yeah right!)

Come take a little walk around with me..........

The Front door announces the Silver and White (I think)

Then as you look down the hallway to the living room/dining room - there are silver branches adorned with white lights - and I filled the vase with silver balls.

Then the dining room has a silver table cloth and silver candles - and white snowflakes hanging from the china cabinet........

The bathroom has Christmas hand towels and a bowl filled with silver balls and a white and silver candle - for those stress relieving bubble baths........

Even the guest room is decked out with my Christmas houses...........

And finally - the crowning glory - the Tree - complete with silver and white balls - and sparkly silver and white tree skirt.........

It was a mixed bag of emotions decorating - by myself.  I found myself feeling sad at times - but I worked hard to see the joy that will be my Christmas this year - mostly cause I get to spend time with my children for 4 days or so........... and will be having friends in on New Year's day - to celebrate the beginning of the New Year - celebrating the start of a new life for me - celebrating my new home.

But I won't try and pretend that there wasn't the occasional heart pangs.......... and some anger.  BUT that is not for today - today is for sharing the joy of Christmas......... 

Sunday Sentiments

YES!!!

It's finally arrived!!!!  Grey Cup weekend AND the weekend I decorate the house for Christmas.

I am SO excited!!  It's the best part of the season - dragging all the lights/decorations out and bringing joy to the house.  Mini me and I were talking this morning and she pointed out that the lights of the holiday season brighten up the long dreary dark nights (good lord I closed the curtains at 4:30 yesterday!!) And I think she might have hit the nail on the head - at least for me.............. 

Last weekend I went shopping at our local craft store and bought a plain artificial green wreath and a couple of pokey decorations and a big silver bow..... all at 50% off - YAY for sales!!  I pushed the pokey decorations into the greenery and tied the bow on and hung it on my front door!!  Even the building manager gave it a 2 thumbs up..........

But this is THE weekend when I fill each room with a touch of Christmas.............. and by Monday "The Journey Continued" will be decked out for the holidays as well.  

I promise to bore you all to death with pictures next week ........... 

Wait !! Wait!!

UGH!!  I slept in this morning............ I NEVER sleep in!!! and what a panic I was in... it was 8:20am ....... I couldn't believe my eyes!!  Even Missy the cat was sitting on my night table starring at me...... when I opened my eyes she yipped at me in that tone she gets and stalked out of the bedroom as only a cat can.

I jumped out of bed and dashed around ....... finally settled on the sofa with my coffee and the computer -- took a breath and realized it really didn't matter if it was 8:20 or 6:20.  I don't have a set in stone schedule !!  (though I do like going to the gym for 9:30)  My heart slowed to a normal rate and I mentally looked at what I had planned for the day.

1) go to the gym
2) .......................................

Ummmmm so seeing as the only thing on the agenda is going to the gym and seeing as there is no one at the gym checking my arrival time............ what's the panic??

I could ........... COULD .. skip the gym -- have a lazy day........... 

BUT nope I have given up lazy days - except for the weekends.  It does my soul good to follow a routine.  And besides I am working so damn hard to do 5 days a week - 10,000 steps a day - I am not gonna make excuses just cause I slept in!!

I know why I slept in.

At 3:00am sharp - my eyes popped open and I started planning Christmas menus........ what to take to Montreal for Christmas Eve - what to make for the Open House on New Year's Day - what time to hold the party on New Year's day ....... maybe 7 to whenever is better - don't have to worry/stress over feeding unknown numbers of people dinner.....going over my baking list (whittling it down - way down from past years) ... checking my shopping list - only a couple of things left to purchase - when to buy the foods for the parties - how soon - do I have space to freeze it all......... the list of questions was endless.  I gave up and went to the living room and sat on the sofa and let my brain do it's wanderings........... Missy the cat sat looking at me like I had lost my mind.  

At 3:30 am I started yawning and realized how stupid this all was.......... not unusual for me .. I do tend to get so excited for Christmas that my sleep patterns get all screwed up for a month or so before the festivities........ always been that way - guess it always will. It's not a bad thing (not great - but not bad) I am excited and loss of sleep just goes hand in hand with that excitement ............. 

AND at least now - I can sleep in - my schedule is mine to tweak and adjust to fit my immediate needs - just so long as I get to the gym and do my 10,000 steps in a day........ 

Another positive to living alone - being the "boss of me"............

Making a List and checking it twice.........

Nooooooooo I am not talking about a list to Santa Claus........ 

I am talking about a comment mini me left on yesterday's blog Turning Corners........ she said:
 "Since August you have made many large leaps. You should start a list of them, beginning with when you decided it was time to move. I will add the things you might miss "

It was a cute comment and I smiled and moved on - not giving it  much thought.

But this morning I had a small problem with my mouse (the left click button didn't work) and I managed to fix it.  I sat back smiling....... and then I realized how many minor problems I have solved all by myself...... from the DVD player that didn't work - to my phone that wouldn't dial out - to the fire in my living room base board heater.

I have driven alone long distances to unknown cities and didn't die doing it.... I have managed to drive in the dark .. I have gone to munches by myself ... I have taken responsibility for my weight - for what I eat or don't eat - I am feeding myself food I actually like - I faced my cancer test by myself and survived it - I have had my car's emission test done - finding a garage that would do it - I am learning it is ok to decide to do things any time I want to do them - 

I am learning to live alone - and LOVE it !!

And it's interesting to me - when my therapist told me that it was too soon to find someone to share my bed - or my life - it was freeing.  I like - really LIKE - being alone.  And it was like she gave me permission to enjoy this part of my life.  

I am gonna keep adding to this list of things I have accomplished on my own!  I am gonna keep a list of the joys of living alone.  I am gonna be proud of who I am becoming............. cause I think I really truly like this person ! 

Turning corners

I visited with my therapist on Monday this week.  She asked about my anger - at him - but more importantly with myself.  

I told her that the big step / realization I had had this month was that there doesn't have to be a lot of drama anymore - that I can handle things the way I think is best - there are no voices telling me / ordering me to do things this way or that way.  

We talked about how excited I am that I am going home for Christmas - and that I can stay as long as I want - or as short a time as I want - no more catering to anyone but myself.. that I am able to put myself first - and my needs/wants first.  Now that is definitely a learning curve :)

We talked about the positives in my life - like loosing all the weight - the cancer free diagnosis from last week - to good friends who support me and are there for me.   

And we talked about how lonely it is sometimes.  And how folks (some folks) are telling me to get myself out there again - find a "fuck budddy" find a new significant other - make use of my big bedroom ........... and I filled up with tears - cause I told her I don't think I will ever trust anyone ever again to get that close to me....when I look down the path I am on now - I don't see myself EVER being with anyone again.  It just feels so much safer being by myself.  No one can ever hurt me again - not like he did.

She jumped in immediately (usually she just lets me ramble on and on -- but not over this) She said it was way too early to be thinking of finding someone - be it a fuck buddy or a significant other.  That was why I can't "see myself" with anyone - it's too soon - I have too many wounds that need to heal - I need to find my courage and my self esteem and learn to love myself again. 

I wish I could believe her - that sometime - somewhere down this path - long winding path - that there will be someone who will love me and appreciate me and want me as much as I want him............... but right now - in this place that I am - I don't see it.  I am feeling too old - too used up.  I didn't tell her that.......... but it is muddling around in my head..... who would want this old lady??? and it makes me very sad... like I have wasted so much of my life........ and now am facing being alone till the end.

As our hour together wound down - she said she thought I had turned a corner with my healing ........... those words have stuck with me........ I don't feel like I have turned any corner!  I will admit to making strides forward - but turning a corner - nope I don't see it.

Reality Check

Ok - by now most of you know I am working hard to lose weight..... improve my self esteem - and now get my sugar levels under control before diabetes sets in.  

I have increased my gym visits to 5 days a week - am getting really close to walking 10,000 steps a day - during the week (have managed for the last two weeks to do over 50,000 steps a week) 

I have noticed that my clothes are getting bigger and bigger and have shared a few giggles with mini me when my jeans slipped down....... and she suggested I might need a belt.  I have watched the weight slowly ( VERY slowly) disappear.  And the scales tell me I have todate lost 35 pounds.

I made noises about getting some new pants / underwear but hadn't really done anything about it.  Mainly cause I would like to lose another 25 pounds or so.... and why spend good money on clothes that will just be too big ............. AND I don't think I believed my clothes were THAT big on me.

Anyway that being said ... we seem to have developed a custom in our family where the kids get new Pjs for Christmas.  Last week I was out shopping and landed up in the Pj department of our local Walmart. I had seen they had goofy Pjs on sale and thought I would take a look.......... (though I was sure they wouldn't have a size that would fit me)
I found a "onsie" complete with feet AND the best part - the pattern was Elmo.  Absolutely perfect for granny for Christmas morning - no??? and SO sexy!!!  But they didn't have what I thought was my size.  (le sigh) I took the largest one they had off the rack and held it up to my body.  I thought it might fit ........ and maybe by Christmas I could whittle off a few more pounds and it would be "ok".  

I bought them - but it took me 2 days to try them on........... I had my fingers crossed that I hadn't wasted my money.  These Pjs were 4 sizes smaller than what I had been wearing before my health kick started.  4 sizes!!  Could I even lose what was needed to get them to fit by Christmas??? I pulled them on - zipped them up - and looked in the mirror.  My jaw hit the floor!!  Not only did they fit -- they are a little big!!!

I am clearly down 4 dress sizes!!!  Who knew?? Certainly not me!

So yesterday I went and found the one pair of jeans I have left in my "small" size and a small turtle neck and discovered they fit quite nicely - a little big but do-able.  I felt so proud of myself!!  Who knew I could actually do this!!  I still keep saying "4 sizes smaller -- wow!" 

Now for your viewing pleasure - here is a pic of my sexy Elmo Pjs ............. taken at night with my cell phone - so not the best

Now I am off to the gym - cause there are still 25 pounds that need to go !!

Choices

I had a bit of an "eureka" moment this weekend.  (part of the healing process I think) I want to try and explain - to put it down in words so when I waiver I can come back and read this - and set my feet firmly under me and continue on MY path.....

This eureka moment started when I realized how much drama has been in my life for the last few years.  Let me say this first - I do NOT like drama - at all.  It ties me up in knots and makes me literally and figuratively sick to my stomach.

And it started with a simple malfunction of my DVD player on Saturday night.

There was nothing on television on Saturday night, so I decided to put on Netflix and find a movie or show to watch.  Netflix started to load then the DVD player just locked up and wouldn't work - wouldn't turn off - wouldn't turn on........ it was just in limbo.  I sat staring at it............. what to do?? My stomach knotted up - and I caught myself holding my breath.  I was waiting for the anger - the complaining - for the "woe's is me" for the lashing out verbally and on line.   

BUT  wait................ 

This was my choice now.  I could chose to be angry and upset - or I could choose to walk away and find my peace - and not stress over it.  

That's what I did..... chose peace and calm over drama.  I watched mindless shows on television and ignored the fact the DVD player wasn't working.......... it was not the end of the world... it did not have to create drama - it was my choice how to handle this ............

On Sunday evening - after a fun day at my grandson's birthday - I came home to the peace and quiet of my home.  I looked at the DVD player sitting on the shelf - and decided to try unplugging it and plugging it back in........... EUREKA - the DVD was again working fine - and Netflix came on.

AND a lesson was learned.

It is now my choice how to handle problems - I  can create a whole mess of drama and stress - or I can choose to take the path that leads to calm and quiet.  There are no more voices telling me how I should react to things.. who I should give hell to .... how things should be handled.  It is truly my choice now.

And I discovered I could chose calm and peace - toss the drama out the window and wow what an amazing feeling!!

My life - my choice - my path!

Sunday Sentiments

Ramblings of a conflicted submissive

There was an educational event last evening - "Protocols and Rituals".   I honestly didn't plan to go... after all -  I am not exactly the poster child for D/s, Power Exchange relationships.  But around 3pm I decided I would go ........... it beat sitting home alone for sure.

It was a very good discussion about Protocols and Rituals...... I don't want anyone to think it wasn't.  But when it was over I was angry - and all I  could think was "get me out of here!!"  I spent the hour drive home raging inside.  

I was fairly quiet (for me) during the discussion but a couple of times I had to speak or blow up........... One thing I wanted to get straight in my head was ....... all evening I kept hearing how it made the slave feel - how it grounded him - made him feel safe - all the things I used to feel - but I wanted to know what the Dominant got out of it.... how having this much power over someone made them feel.  All I can see / think now is (and I said this last evening) "Absolute Power corrupts absolutely".  And to be honest I don't see it much differently this morning.  

At the end of my relationship with him - I was accused of being a "bad submissive" and yeah - after last night I think I probably was. It came to the point that I was doing all the protocols/rituals in a vacuum - or it felt that way.  My self esteem started to deteriorate and I felt more like a failure than anything else.  And yeah I stopped doing the protocols/rituals slowly - one by one.  
 
I don't know - maybe it's the feeling I have that giving complete control over to someone else make me less of a person.... maybe it's the feeling of humiliation that a lot of the protocols bring out in me - and I do NOT do humiliation well at all.  Things like having to be naked (and cold) all the time - not being allowed to sit on a chair - having to ask permission to use the bathroom - asking permission to enter or leave a room...... maybe I was wrong all the time about my being a submissive....... but then what am I??? I am definitely NOT dominant ....... so what am I??? nothing - keeps coming to mind... maybe I shouldn't have ever  tried to be in the "lifestyle"..... maybe it's not me.

OR

Maybe the secret to a successful power exchange relationship is the submissive finding their freedom - the dominant taking responsibility and there being a whole lot of love on both sides.

and now for something completely different....

BUT I do have to add to yesterday's NO CANCER update........ The doctor is running a couple more tests as some of my symptoms were suspicious.  He however is very positive that the problems are minor and probably nothing to worry about.  I will hear in 10 days if there is anything unseen going on........... 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I got home yesterday I realized that my heart didn't feel so heavy anymore - there was a skip to my step (well as much as is possible after being poked and prodded from the inside out) And I thought -- I really can honestly get busy with Christmas - let the child-like excitement out........ and oh it felt SO damn good!

For some reason... a memory of the Christmas just after my dad died came swirling up ... and I remembered a beautiful basket of white poinsettas and Christmas greenery an Aunt sent me.  It was HUGE and gorgeous and dear lord in heaven was still blooming at Easter!!  and I knew I wanted one just like it to fill my apartment with Christmas smells and beauty.  

So I went on line to see what the florists had to offer.  The closest I could find was this...........

which isn't exactly it ........... and after much surfing I was a wee bit disappointed.  I want it NOW - but most Christmas floral arrangements have mums, roses and other short lived flowers added.  That wouldn't last to Christmas - never mind Easter !! 

Then I was talking to mini me last night and she suggested a shop in Belleville - a relatively close city.  I found it on the net and yes yes yes it shows much promise!!  Maybe I will drive out there and have a talk with the florist - maybe they can custom make a basket with white poinsettas and Christmas greenery.  It's certainly worth a try.. 

Today though I think I will give the apartment a good cleaning - a Christmas cleaning - a tradition from way back when .......... and yeah I know it is a month till Christmas and the house will need to be cleaned again - but it is so ingrained in me to clean BEFORE the decorations go up that I will do it........... 

And then I think I will drag all the Christmas boxes out to the guest room and sort through them - finding all the little treasures I want to display this year and get them ready,  It's still TOO early - but next weekend should be ok........ 

Yeah life is starting to look up............ starting to hold hope and promise for a new beginning............ which is a very good thing!!!

 

Today - updated

I leave in 15 minutes and the overwhelming feeling is "I am gonna throw up"

Gotta love nerves -- NOT! 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NO CANCER !!!!  AND he doesn't want to see me for 6 more months.......... I am doing the happy dance all around the apartment ......... Thank you everyone for your positive vibes and good advice ............. 

 

Cancer

We all know that breast cancer is pink -- breast cancer gets a lot of attention.  When I was first diagnosed with bladder cancer I was shocked when my doctor told me that it is one of the top 5 killers in Canada and yet you almost never hear about it.  

One of the sore points with me was an ad for "depends" and how it made a leaky bladder seem normal in older women.  I wrote them a letter - I was angry - very angry.  My only symptom was a leaky bladder and I kept thinking it was just an "old lady's bladder"........ which obviously was not the case.

Just recently I have started seeing an ad on television that shows a "Johnny on the Spot" and one by one people exiting it.  I thought it's about time someone started to talk about the signs and symptoms of bladder cancer.  

Almost 2 years ago was when I was first diagnosed with bladder cancer it felt like a death sentence.  I was operated on ...... and managed to go 18 months before it reappeared.  It was removed - again.  Tomorrow I go in for my 3 month check - I am scared and possibly have good reason.  I have a leaky bladder again.  I have noticed other symptoms........ 

I have a friend who has bladder cancer.  He has the most admirable attitude.  He said to me once - "worrying/stressing about it won't make it go away........ it won't change the diagnosis.  You just have to live each day to the fullest and only worry / think about it when it is time for the 3 month check up.  You CAN'T let it rule your life".  

I wish I could have his attitude.  I really do !!!   Going 18 months without reoccurance gave me hope that I was in remission,  I didn't worry when I went in 3 months ago - it wouldn't be back - how could it be??!!  I was 18 months in.............. and yet there it was again.  There is a television screen that shows the doctor -- and me -- the inside of my bladder - I saw it - this cauliflower type lump growing in the middle of my bladder and my heart stopped.  It was back!!  it didn't seem fair........... I had just moved to my new apartment - I had just started to find my feet - claim back my life ............. 

I am sorry to go on and on about this........ for now it is foremost in my mind.  It scares me......... it makes me angry .... I even (god try and understand this logic) blame it as part of the reason he didn't want me anymore....... After all who wants to be a care giver to a cancer patient????!!!  

Sue was right the other day in her comment on Fear -- when she said that I will find the strength to face whatever I have to face.  Oh I'm still scared - but I will go through whatever I have to ......... and then get my feet back under me  - and continue on............ 

This is MY cancer ribbon................

Finding Positives

There is one event that has always raised my spirits - and that is Christmas! 

For some reason I have always "aligned" myself with Grinches/Scrooges........... and nothing I did ever changed them.  (make note - you can NOT change someone) 

This Christmas I am really truly on my own............. I am free to celebrate with all the joy and enthusiasm I have tucked away inside.  

I have started my lists - not for Santa - but for me - things I want to do - things I want to make - parties I want to have - decorating and baking and the best of all - traveling down to Montreal to spend not one day - but DAYS with my grandkids!!  

I have little craft projects already started - and others tucked away in the cupboard till the time gets closer - wait till you see!!  I will share everything with you all as the time gets closer.  

I have planned out in my head where all the decorations are gonna go - especially the tree - and then taken it all down and done it again ........ and again.  

I have already made my guest list for my New Year's Day open house - and a temporary food list ........... 

I have made a list of things to take to Montreal - like a gingerbread house that the kids and I can decorate on Christmas Eve to help fill the day with memories.

I have already started making my own Christmas cards - something I used to do all the time - embossing them and adding sparkle and heartfelt words on the inside - my words from the heart.

Kids can't wait till Christmas Eve - I can't wait till the 1st of December when I can start dragging out the decorations and turning my home into a festive holiday space that will warm my heart and bring joy (I hope ) to all who visit ............... 

Only 14 more days till I start ............ I can't wait !!!

 

 

Fear

I had a wonderful weekend - really good weekend!  I felt comfortable in my own skin - my head was clear - my heart beat normally - I was excited about the future.

And then dusk came on Sunday and the fear started to slowly creep in.

A line from a television show I watched this week kept running over and over in my head.  "You may have all kinds of support/friends.  BUT at night when you lay your head on the pillow - all you have is you"   It spoke to me cause that is what I am living.  No matter how many friends I have  -- how much support I have from friends and family - the bottom line is  -- when I go to bed at night - I am all I have.

I have my cancer test this week.  AND I am scared... really scared.  I don't want to go alone - I don't want to sit alone - get the results alone - face the results alone.  I have thought about all sorts of alternatives.............. even him.  BUT I realized that even if I asked him - even if he agreed - it wouldn't be the same.  I would still be alone at the end of the day to face ...... whatever.... by myself.

That's one of the things that hurts the most I think........... I thought we would support each other - through thick and thin - sickness and health - forever.  Like everything else it was all a lie - an illusion.................

and it hurts.

The fear hurts.

Maybe one day I will find the ladder to climb out of the hole that is fear.

 

Sunday Sentiments

Dipping my Toe Back In

Last night I went to Kink 6 here in Kingston.  After 3 years here I finally managed to go.  Mini me and I made the plan - bought our tickets  - had our "wtf are we doing" moments and went.

What fun we had.  It was held in a beautiful conference center - all monies collected went to Aids work.  

but I am jumping ahead of myself.  I was looking forward to finally having somewhere to wear one of my corsets.  I had it in my mind to wear my black leather corset.  I figured now I had lost some weight it would probably fit. Yesterday afternoon I pulled all the corsets out and tried on the leather one. I had to lace it up as tight as it would go - and still it was way too big on me!!  I could almost slide it off over my head!!!  I guess I hadn't realized how much weight I had lost !!

I finally settled on my "newspaper" corset - even though it is getting big on me I was able to get one more affair out of it. I wore a long black skirt and knee high black suede boots.  Mini me wore a hot lil skirt with top and knee high leather boots.  Off we went.......

It was a night of sense and sound (OHHHHHH the sound -  loud louder loudest music!!  I must be getting old ) Downstairs there were flogging demos, hot wax demos - upstairs there was bondage galore - boot blacking - and pony play - and MUSIC !!

One of the Tops demonstrating flogging is someone I was interested in "trying out "  (yeah yeah I know - the demos were meant to let newbies experience the sensations from certain forms of play - but in my case - I wanted to experience new Tops - cheeky grin)  So I climbed up on the spanking bench - lifted my skirt up over my head and wiggled my ass.  She leaned down immediately and whispered in my ear "you do realize I can't scare the audience right?"  I had a nice sensual spanking - with a promise for a "session" some other time (marking that down on my dance card)

 Mini me had been talking and talking AND talking about visiting / experiencing the boot blacking booth.  Later in the evening we both made our way to the boot blacking booth and I watched as she had her knee high boots done.  It was something she had been lusting over.  Not me so much - but I did agree to let him brush down my suede boots.... best part was I got a mini leg foot massage - and oh my god it felt heavenly - my feet were killing me.

I guess we got home around 1 am and sat for another hour talking about the folks we had seen - the different fetishes - just rehashing the evening......... 

What a fun night it turned out to be....... mostly because of the great company!! 

and if anyone is interested - here's a pic of me just before we left 

 

 

Trying to be Strong and Independent

One of the most dificult things for me during this learning period - learning to be strong
and learning to be independent and learning to stand on my own two feet - is learning to ask for help.  I always feel I am imposing ................ and so I don't ask.

BUT there are times that one really should ask for help.  Like now.  3 months ago I had my regular cancer test.  A friend took me.  (I knew he was squeezing me in between family obligations - but despite my pleas to forget about his promise he took me) AND of course the doctor for the first time was running 30 minutes late AND then he had to perform surgery which made me even later I was SO stressed.

So when this appointment appeared on my calendar I looked for someone else who might agree to take me.  I asked a friend who had volunteered before.  She said yes.  BUT now it turns out she has obligations and she is stressing over how long the appointment will be and will I be out of there for sure by 10:30.  I don't FUCKING know! 

and I am stressed - to the eye teeth. 

I am scared enough that they are gonna find another tumour - and I will require more on the spot surgery.  Now I am stressing that it can't take more than an hour because she has to leave ................ so I am gonna thank her and say next time - maybe.

Which means I am now left with no one to take me.  

and that is scary .......... and makes me feel alone.  I could take a taxi and will probably have to....... but there is something about having a friend there to hold your hand - and if god forbid - they find another tumour - to rub your back or give you a hug.

This being strong and independent sucks donkey balls.  BIG TIME

 

11-11-11

May we always remember

BUT  may we also continue to strive for peace

Weekend in Review

It was a good weekend .............

On Friday mini me came to town and she and I went to the local munch.  Not a bad one - a good turn out - lots of chatter and laughter and good food. (Still no single Doms looking for a slightly used sub - but am I ready for that?)

Saturday I decided to tackle the linen closet here at the apartment.  When I moved in there were two areas where I just shoved boxes/stuff and to hide them until I was ready.  One was the storage cupboard (sorted that out last weekend) and the linen closet - which I did this weekend.  And then feeling energized and wanting to be more organised I even tackled the spare bedroom and all the baskets/shelves in there.  Basically I spent the days tweaking the storage areas to my satisfaction.

The one kinda scary thing............... 

A couple of times last week I caught Miss Ashes studiously studying the baseboard heater in the living room.  I figured there must be a bug or shadows or dust in it - cause I couldn't see anything!!  

On Sunday morning I was sitting on the sofa, drinking my first cup of coffee with Missy curled up beside me.  I heard a funny sparking sound - I was busy looking around for the source of noise - Missy hopped off the sofa as though her ass was on fire and moved to the opposite end of the living room.  

I followed the sound and turned my eyes to the baseboard heater.  It was glowing red!!  It looked as though there might be a fire inside it.  I jumped up and turned off the heat.  The smell of burning wires filled the apartment.  My heart was pounding until I realized this wasn't my problem - per say.  I called the apartment management.  Fortunately the supervisor on duty lives next door.  He was there in a flash.  He turned off the circuit breaker (which I had forgotten was in my apartment!)  

We decided I could wait till Monday to call the electrician and get a new heater installed.  Thankfully we are not in a deep freeze !!!  

Once the excitement was over - I kinda shook.  I felt alone and a bit scared.  BUT then I realized living in an apartment is better than having a man living with you.... I didn't have to listen to the stress / swearing about finding an electrician - or the bitching about how much it was gonna cost to replace.  YAY! for apartment life.

The other less than stellar thing I did was go off my eating plan.  OH how I pigged out on the weekend - AND - didn't go to the gym to try and handle the extra calories/sugars. BUT today is Monday - and I will simply climb back on that exercise horse and continue on........... 

And that was my weekend  - in review. 

 

Sunday Sentiments

The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day

Yesterday was not a good day.  It was a "terrible horrible no good very bad day".  I was busy - I went to the gym - I ran some messages - bought some more Christmas gifts - walked 10,000+ steps - BUT - when the dark descended and I closed the curtains  -- like a monster creeping out of the shadows - my day became a "terrible horrible, no good, very bad day".  And I cried - a lot.

And I can't explain why.

My therapist tells me this is to be expected.  I am not losing my mind - quite the opposite - my mind (and body) is healing.  I am to learn to accept these feelings - work my way through them - and the bad days will eventually become farther and farther apart.  ( I would like this improvement to be instantaneous - but it's not)

Yesterday fear was the ruling emotion.  It started with a Christmas party I have been invited to for the company I have been working for since last June.  It is being held 4 hours away from me.  The "boss" rented rooms in the hotel for us out of towners.  I was sort of ok with the idea at the beginning - but it has been rolling around in the back of my mind.  Truthfully I just don't have the extra cash anymore for splurging.  And trust me a $170 hotel room - and two days of meals - and the gas required to get to and from this party is not in my budget!!

AND then - four days after this party - I have another cancer test.  The last one - three months ago - I wasn't worried - didn't even think of it - and yet the cancer was back.  I have lost my confidence.  So I am scared again.  Terrified is a better word.

And so last night once the curtains were closed to keep the dark out - I curled up on the sofa and felt my world closing in on me.  Fear eating away at my psyche....... turning my day into a "terrible horrible no good very bad day".

Healing IS a long process - a painful process.  

The Dreaded Plateau

I think I have always been on diet .... I have never been "small" ....... and always wanted to be "small" ........ and always seemed to be working on getting "small" and always........ ALWAYS....... seemed to hit the dreaded plateau where the weight just stopped coming off for weeks !!  And I would get discouraged and say "oh fuck it" and there went all the work.

And as you all know - here I am again dieting.  Well not exactly dieting this time - just changing my eating habits - and being more aware of what I eat.  When I say "being more aware" it's not as easy as it sounds - I record every morsel of food that goes in my mouth.  I watch the calories slowly (and sometimes fast) click down to 0.  

I have been going to the gym 3 times a week and walking for 3 miles - aiming for 10,000 steps a day - falling short every day (well nearly every day) but watching the weight come off.  The one thing about walking on a treadmill - it counts how many calories I burn off.  Which I see as adding calories to my daily intake.  I am allowed 1100-1200 calories a day.  IF I burn 300+ calories on the treadmill I can have a treat that day.

Suddenly though - I noticed that despite the fact I was still walking 3 miles per session at the gym - the number of calories I was burning had dropped.  WTF?? At first I blamed the machine - must not be calibrated properly.  But after changing machines and still burning less calories my frustration/curiosity hit an all time high.

I talked to one of the trainers.

It turns out that the more weight you lose - the less calories you burn doing the same work out.  Hmmmmmmmmmmm..... really???? and my mind saw the "dreaded plateau" and there was no way I could cut any more calories.  Truthfully I am barely eating 1100 calories a day - and the program I use to track these calories yells at me - yes YELLS at me - in red - in capitals when I don't eat my 1100 per day.

So how to prevent a plateau that will discourage me - and have me saying " fuck this".  I have come so far............... 

The trainer suggested 1) increase the number of days at the gym 2) increase the speed of my walking - OR if that doesn't seem possible (and it doesn't right now) add an incline.

SO 

I am now striving for 5 days a week at the gym.  I have increased the speed a wee tiny bit...... and added a wee tiny incline.  (Incline tends to strain my old knees) 

and lo and behold - the calories are being burned off faster again - and the weight is slowly coming back off again.  The Dreaded Plateau didn't last more than 5 days!!

Who knew how easy it is to beat the Plateau syndrome!?  Well I guess a lot of people - definitely the trainers at the gym.  

And the other plus to this work out routine - I earn more sugar grams every day - which makes my sweet tooth very happy !!!

Ok now this probably isn't a big AH HA moment for most of you - but hell it was for me!!  It explains years and years of plateaus and yo-yo dieting.............. onwards and upwards - or in this case - onwards and downwards !!

Will Power

It's funny how people see us differently than we see ourselves....... at least that has been my experience.  

It's also interesting to me how influential someone's words can be - for good or bad.  

On the weekend mini me gave me a gift - she doesn't know she did - but she did.  I don't remember when/how she said it - but she said "you have will power".  I had never thought about it before.  If you had asked me I wouldn't have said I have "will power" - but since mini me said it I have been very aware of my own will power... from going to the gym every morning and climbing on the treadmill and doing my 3 miles whether I feel like it or not - to logging every bit of food that goes in my mouth and watching my calories. (  I will admit my "will power" gets a big boost cause the weight is coming off)

Now I am fighting to bring my sugars down (because I do NOT want to become diabetic and have to take pills or insulin) I am not only counting calories - but counting the carbs and sugars I eat.... which has meant I have cut the sugar in my coffee by half - yeah I don't enjoy my coffee the same but hey!!  it only makes sense. I have stopped ALL sugary drinks - especially my one can of coke a day.  I had people say "well one can can't be that bad" .............. Yesterday I checked there are 30grams of sugar in one can - my daily allotment is 50 ........... so it was an easy decision to cut out the can of coke a day.   

It was an easy decision - but not so easy to stick to.  Yesterday for some reason I craved a coke - was climbing the walls wanting one............. there is coke in my fridge easy enough to grab one and have a mouthful or two - or three........... but I didn't.  I heard mini me's words "will power" over and over in my head.

I have managed to bring my daily sugars down from being in the red every day - to safely in the green zone.  YAY me!  

Now some have been less that supportive in my efforts to cut out extra sugars and stop this downward spiral into diabetes.  I have been told there really is nothing that will work - IF I am gonna be diabetic - it will happen.  I have also heard a number of people whine and whine about being diabetic ....... but really do very little to turn it around.  

I am hoping that these positive steps I have taken to bring my sugar under control - and the steps I have taken to loose weight and be stronger will work.  So many things in our lives are not under our control.  I am willing to work hard to cut back my sugars, to loose weight - to take responsibility/control of the things I CAN control!  I am not going to sit back and whine about how unfair it is........... not over this.......not over something I honestly truly believe I can turn around.

I have will power - mini me says I have it!  and I will successfully do this !!!